to think that if they really want ds to go to a fee-paying school they should put their hands in their pockets and help out?

[FalseMonica]

First-time AIBU so be gentle(ish).

Ok, so it's secondary transfer time. I'm looking for schools for ds. There is a good comp up the road which most of his friends will go to. There is also a super-selective grammar just out of area, and a fab but wildly expensive independent school.

My parents sent my brother to the fab but wildly expensive school, 20 years ago. They had a significant amount of financial help with the fees from my mum's wealthy parents. It's a great school, no argument. And tbh I'd be thrilled if ds could spend his schooldays there. But it's £15,000 pa (at the moment!) and that is totally and completely out of my reach. Not a chance.

So here's the thing. My parents are very, very keen to see my ds go to this school as well. They've made it very clear, in their way, that they think any other school is second best. They also know that there is no way on Earth I can manage the fees without a lottery win (single parent, renter, low income etc). My dad then frequently says things like 'oh, I know, I wish we could help but we're not in a position to'.

They live in a 5-bed, 4-reception room house in the south-east with the kind of garden that makes people gasp. It's worth a fair bit and they've always been mortgage-free (thanks again to my mum's parents before they died). They talk constantly about how they need to downsize. It's too big, it's too expensive to heat. They've never been happy there. It's an 'unlucky house'. They can't manage the garden. They actually pretty much live in two rooms and the kitchen. They don't use the garden at all. Etc etc etc. You get the picture. It's a white elephant, and they've said so themselves.

In these circumstances, would IBcompletelyU to suggest that, if they are so keen to see ds at Fab School, this would be the ideal time to consider downsizing, thereby freeing up enough capital to make a considerable contribution to their only grandchild's potential school fees? Do these thoughts make me a horrible, selfish, snobby person, or are my parents actually being a bit tight? After all, the only reason my bro and I went to fee-paying schools is because our grandparents funded it.

I don't want, btw, a public/state debate. This is just about whether the IWBU to raise the matter of the considerable equity in their house to help send ds to the school they so dearly want to see him attending...

dontmindifido how do you know they expected it, for all we know it could have been a very unexpected unasked for gift.

how very entitled.what happened to the dont have children if you can fund them school of thought that is mostly rife on mn?

op i do totally agree that they shouldnt go on about it if they know you cant afford to fund it,unless they were intending to as whats the point in waving a pipe dream infront of your ds.

Sock - they might not have expected it, but they condisered it an acceptable thing to do, as they accepted the offer, they put their DS in that school knowing they couldn't pay for it, they could have said "no thank you" they thought it was reasonable to take the money. So that, along with living in a house that GPs have bought does lead to raising your DCs to believe this is a normal and acceptable way to arrange things.

I think MoreBeta is quite perceptive too.

If you have told them repeatedly to stop mentioning it and they continue to ignore you, I think it would be okay to "snap" and say something like, "Look, I have told you so many times I would love it but I can't afford it. STOP MENTIONING IT - unless you are prepared to go ahead with downsizing and put some of the money from that towards the fees, like Granny and Grandad did for DB. Because otherwise this is completely impossible and you are just upsetting me bringing it up."

Guarantee they will not mention it again

BTW - I come from a family who didn't get financial help from grandparents, but there is an expectation about caring for older generations (not financially, there's not the money), DH doesn't - my parents would consider they are entitled to expect either me or DB will take them in if they need care in their old age because we watched them take my Nana in and care for her for years, and from when I was very small, I remember "the poorly Nana" (my great grandmother) living at my Grandparents' house.

A lot of families don't have this expectation, and other people might think my parents are being very 'entitled' - but that's how things are done in our family, you learn your 'normal' from the way you were brought up.

OP's parents have created a 'norm' of family financial assistance by accepting the money (or more, letting their DCs know that's where the money came from). It's hardly surprising the OP feels annoyed they aren't offering the same. (esp while insisting on similar standard for their DGS, which they know she can't afford)

I would remind them that A) cannot afford the £100k B) The school might have been good when your db went, but things change C) Chances are the teachers from 20 years ago are no longer there D) He is going to XX school, and that's the end of it. You child, your family, your life.

I don't see why they should sell their house to fund your DS to go to private school. On the other hand they should shut up about it if they know quite well you can't afford it. Just say to them I would like to send DS to the school but you know absolutely well that I cannot afford it. So will you please please stop going on about it unless you are prepared to pay the fees.

i find that quite shocking. if a gp decides to gift a gc with private education it shouldnt mean that the parent accepting the obligation also has a obligation to do so for anybody else.

but then again i always stood on my own two feet and the one thing i inherited came with a massive obligation to protect and upkeep for future generations i was the only one who could take on that responsability.

i concider a gift to be a gift if i give one i dont think it should place an obligation on the person who i give it to.

fwiw, i also think when my parents need looking after one us should do it. and i compleatly agree that they should stop going on about it.

Hmmm.

My ILs accepetd whatever was given to them by their parents (money and time and help). And now look to us for whatever they can get.

Some of that generation never grew up.

Sorry to say it again OP but you have told us what you would like , what your parents would like and what your exP would like - what would your DS like ?

wordfactory - that is my repeated experience too.

Yabu not to tell them to butt out and mind their own.

Do you know, I think I'd be getting ready to ask them something else by now. How about 'dad, why do you keep on about it? You know we can't afford it, and our circumstances aren't the same as yours were, so I don't get why you keep talking about it like this when really we need to be being positive about the options we do have.'

If he is nice, he'd say 'oh I am sorry love, I get carried away because we know your db had such a happy time there but i probably should put a sock in it, you're right' or similar.

Whatever he should or shouldn't sell or reciprocate, he really needs to be challenged on this!

Send your kids to the good comp and ask for help with higher education.

It is not unknown for grandparents to have had everything given to them on a plate. Schooling paid for and help with the mortgage and then to refuse to fork out for their own granchildren when the time comes.

YANBU.

Next time your parents start on about it you need to say something along the line of, 'You know I/we can't afford it so if you're so keen on it you can cough up for it, and if you don't want to cough up then shut up!'

I think you may have to go for the un-subtle approach if they're hassling you to the extent it sounds like, unfortunately.

Why are you still discussing the issue with them at all? You and your ex cannot afford it / are not hopeful about a bursary: their views are irrelevant. Ask them politely to stop talking about it and to respect your situation, then if it continues tell them to shut up! And avoid discussing stuff / seeking their opinions on things that are likely to invite interference.

Just say: Downsize and help with the schools fees, like mums parents did before you. Or not ever again mention independent school and my childs name in the same sentence again!

Sounds familiar. I understand the frustration. My mum says to me " DD why cant you rent (yes i cant even afford a large enough place to rent to suit my mother) a bigger apartment with another bedroom so we can come and stay"
I say " Well i would love to but i dont have a spare £6000 a year , perhaps you'd like to fund the difference ?" She goes all quiet.

I would just say why do you keep mentioning when you know i cannot afford it ? What do you hope to achieve by this ?

Although to be honest if they really are going on i would say well why dont you pay next time. If nothing else they will probably shut up about it.

YANBU, but why not bite the bullet and ask them directly to help by selling the house or releasing some equity. They can say no if they want to.

YABU to ask them to sell their home and fund your child's education. I'm surprised you wouldn't realise that to be honest.

YANBU to tell them to stop suggesting private school when you cannot afford it.

Tell them he's not going to private school - end of story - end of discussion.

It's irrelevant who paid for you and your brother's education. Your parents are perfectly entitled to choose what they do with their assets; they just need to stop harrassing you about an unrealistic dream of your son going to private school.

There are thousands of parents in this country who would love to send their children to private school and they are unable to fund it - and don't have wealthy grandparents to do it either.

Life's a bitch...and then you die!

I think it is pretty tasteless by her parents to keep going on about her spending an annual salary alone on her sons education!

I'm afraid I've rather skimmed the thread, reading only the OP's posts; apologies if I am just repeating others' suggestions.

" My dad then frequently says things like 'oh, I know, I wish we could help but we're not in a position to'."
That is really not a noce thing for him to do. I honestly think you need to have a bit of a hissy fit at him next time he does this. Your parents are putting pressure on you that you could well do without, and they need to be pulled up about it.

I would say something along the lines of:
"It really hurts my feelings the way you keep bringing this up, when you know there is absolutely no way that I can afford this school. And it really hurts that one the one hand you moan about needing to downsize, but never do; when if you did you would be in a position to help out. So please, just stop mentioning it. Or downsize and help out. One or the other, I'll be grateful for wither. I just need you to stop making me feel inadequate."

I do fear that your parents are so used to being handed things on a plate that the idea that they should do the same for others has simply not occurred to them (shame on them for that). Maybe they'll step up to the plate (and get an easier to manage home to boot), maybe he'll just button it. Either way, you win.

and then to refuse to fork out for their own granchildren when the time comes.
God. This is such a nasty way of thinking. Refuse to fork out??? That sort of phrasing is usually reserved for people who are someohow not living up to an obligation - and grandparents are not obliged to do anything for their grandchildren. Zero. Zilch. Nada. If they do, it is a gift. And like most gifts, should be freely given and gratefully acknowledged.

It is actually really difficult to downsize when you are getting on in years. It seems the obvious choice from an outsiders perspective. But when you are old, and used to living in a big house, you have many possessions that you don't want to get rid of. Think about the logistics of emptying a large house. Even obvious things as lawnmowers and gardening tools, they all need to go somewhere! Shall you just dump, or freecycle a whole life worth of belongings you saved up to buy? How do you chose which ornament, or picture to bin, when they all have a history and sentimental value?

I have moved more times than I can count, and each time we have had to do a serious "trimming" session of our belongings. It is a chore. Every item we throw or give away is an item we have spent money on. Then we might have to replace it later, or regret we got rid of it. It is hassle, it takes time, and it cost. Every move has cost, either in money or man hours or frustration.

My sister sold her house this summer, she spent over 3 months chucking out stuff. She moved the rest in to my dads house. It is not just the furniture, but paperwork, and the contents of every cupboard or drawer.

I have given up trying to get my disabled 85 year old dad downsize from a nearly 3000 ft house with a quintuple garage filled with equipment, large garden and an orchard. Instead I support him living their on his own the best as I can, and count myself lucky that we have this fab family home to visit.