to think that if they really want ds to go to a fee-paying school they should put their hands in their pockets and help out?

[FalseMonica]

First-time AIBU so be gentle(ish).

Ok, so it's secondary transfer time. I'm looking for schools for ds. There is a good comp up the road which most of his friends will go to. There is also a super-selective grammar just out of area, and a fab but wildly expensive independent school.

My parents sent my brother to the fab but wildly expensive school, 20 years ago. They had a significant amount of financial help with the fees from my mum's wealthy parents. It's a great school, no argument. And tbh I'd be thrilled if ds could spend his schooldays there. But it's £15,000 pa (at the moment!) and that is totally and completely out of my reach. Not a chance.

So here's the thing. My parents are very, very keen to see my ds go to this school as well. They've made it very clear, in their way, that they think any other school is second best. They also know that there is no way on Earth I can manage the fees without a lottery win (single parent, renter, low income etc). My dad then frequently says things like 'oh, I know, I wish we could help but we're not in a position to'.

They live in a 5-bed, 4-reception room house in the south-east with the kind of garden that makes people gasp. It's worth a fair bit and they've always been mortgage-free (thanks again to my mum's parents before they died). They talk constantly about how they need to downsize. It's too big, it's too expensive to heat. They've never been happy there. It's an 'unlucky house'. They can't manage the garden. They actually pretty much live in two rooms and the kitchen. They don't use the garden at all. Etc etc etc. You get the picture. It's a white elephant, and they've said so themselves.

In these circumstances, would IBcompletelyU to suggest that, if they are so keen to see ds at Fab School, this would be the ideal time to consider downsizing, thereby freeing up enough capital to make a considerable contribution to their only grandchild's potential school fees? Do these thoughts make me a horrible, selfish, snobby person, or are my parents actually being a bit tight? After all, the only reason my bro and I went to fee-paying schools is because our grandparents funded it.

I don't want, btw, a public/state debate. This is just about whether the IWBU to raise the matter of the considerable equity in their house to help send ds to the school they so dearly want to see him attending...

Nancy I don't know, I think he'd be quite cool about it. He's very fond of ds and loved that school. He knows it was gps who paid for him. But yes, otoh maybe he wouldn't be too happy.

They don't have to 'buy it'. They just have to shut up about it and support you and your ds to do well!

FalseMonica - maybe run it by your brother first and gauge his reaction. Coud be ueful to get in your corner.

Your parents are being very, very unreasonable to criticise the only schools you can afford to send your son to, to compare those schools to a fee-paying school they could, if they wished, afford to pay and not offer to pay.

They are not "lovely, lovely people". They have been so sheltered from the harsh financial realities of life by their own inheritances that they do not know how the world works for those of us (the vast majority) who have to pay their own way.

Are you sure they go on about it as much as you say they do?

Or does a tiny part of you think that they should sell their home and pay to send your child to the school because you want him to go as much as they do?

You still haven't said what your DS wants , is he not the important person here ?

Well, that's not quite true, Bonsoir. Not to get too Monty Python about it but there have been plenty of very harsh realities, maybe just not always financial ones. I adore my parents, which is why this is hard.

However, I take your point about them being unreasonable re: our alternative school options. It does piss me off.

I think they would have offered it up already if they were going to. They haven't, in fact they have said they are not in a position to help. I wouldn't mention it.

My dd1 was unhappy at the local state school and there were no other better options locally other than private school. My father immediately offered to pay her fees and I accepted. I am very lucky but my dad says that's what he wants to spend his money on as it makes him happy (makes me happy too!). I would never have suggested it.

It sounds very difficult for you at the moment. I just wanted to say (sweeping generalisation alert) that I have seen several members of my parents generation, who have had a well-funded lifestyle (thanks to their parents), unwilling to reciprocate with their own children. I do not know why this should be - often these are adults who are still reliant on mummy's money for a long time (for example to pay the mortgage and the school fees).
Perhaps becauase they have no concept of how hard life can be without much money they don't appreciate the need to help, but don't have the vast quantities of cash required to sustain their lifestyle and their offspring. The baby boomers remember benfited greatly from dramatic rises in house prices, full employment, large rises in the stock market etc Those that were in a position to benefit really benefited. Those at the bottom didn't do so well.

Anyway, I can see why they are driving you crazy, but unfortunatly it is their money and they don't HAVE to do anything with it if they don't want to. Tell them they are making you sad and you plan to send DS to the local school. Good luck!

It's perfectly possible to adore one's parents but to think they have led a very (financially) sheltered life which makes them out of touch and therefore say and think things that don't add up!

People who have been very sheltered are often very sweet and kind and thoughtful in some ways, and surprisingly thoughtless and cruel in others in a totally unconscious manner.

I don't really understand your point Worra. I've already said I'd love to send ds there. But I don't have the money and they, potentially, do. I don't think they should do anything but equally I'd like to think that if I was in their position (and felt as strongly about it as they appear to) I'd make the offer.

I think you would be way overstepping the mark to ask your parents to sell/mortgage their home to pay £15,000 per year for 7 years to send your son to school.

I agree with Bonsoir, there's something very wrong with benefitting from intergenerational financial assistance to fund a lifestyle you couldn't otherwise afford (big, mortgage free house and expensive schooling for your DCs, and still having all the luxuraries your wage will cover), and then deny the next generation the same thing when you could (with a little self sacrifice) give them the same.

It's not like your grandparents put huge pressure on your parents to send DB to that school and then expected your parents to find the money, so what your parents are doing is so rude.

However, if you would love your DS to go to that school, have you asked about burseries? If your parents didn't need to find the full amount, perhaps a combination of bursery, you and your exH paying a third and then asking your parents to fund the difference, that might be possible. You could get them to change their will to allow for the fact you had recieved X amount over the course of your DS's education so your DB gets a larger share of their estate when they die (which would be fair if he doesn't need assistance to send his DCs to the school of his choice).

YANBU at all I dont understand families like this. My aunt married into a wealthy family, their generation has lots of cash all inherited. The adult children are now late 30s in relatively low paid jobs one is still renting, working full time with two little DC husband unemployed but looking. The money is log jammed with the 60 somethings who arent passing it down - surely now is when its needed .

Other friends from a different culture have a totally different attitude, the money flows to where it is needed young adult DC bought flats, school fees etc. Seems a much better attitude.

Luckily none of these dilemmas will trouble DH and I - what we have we've earned our parents are fab but sadly no "family money" sigh

Look, just get on with your life within your means. There is a perfectly good school up the road which is free a d at which your DS will be happy.

This is none of your parents business and you need to stand up for your decisions as a parent - the school is fine, your DS will be fine.

Don't start asking for money unless it is freely offered. You are an independent adult, make the best of the hand that life has dealt you, let them get on with being unhappy in the big house.

If they sell it and buy somewhere else which makes them unhappy, they will blame you - so don't do it.

other option, if it's a very big house they own and you are just renting, how would they feel about you moving in so that you could spend your rent money on school fees? That way they aren't being asked to sell their house but are being asked to help in a way that they can...

I do feel resentful sometimes. I know that's awful. But the damn baby boomers!

My dad doesn't quite seem to get why (at almost 40) I still can't afford to buy my own home, for example. But his first home when he married my mum was bought outright by her parents!

God, I'm making him sound awful, aren't I? He's the sweetest man, honestly (sorry dad!)

Other than your dad mentioning the good school why is it even on your radar? DH and I could not afford private school, my parents and grandparents could but that has no bearing on my choices. Finding the best state school is the only option for us.

If you could afford 1/3 of the fees could you afford extra tuition for your DS to sit the grammer entrance exam?

You are certainly not horrible, selfish, snobby to think it, but I wouldn't suggest to your parents that sell their house to pay school fees. However, if they go on about how great the private school is again, I would just follow Blu's suggestions.

Parents do this at every rung of the ladder though.

Our parents asked why we don't buy a house like so and so. I say so and so was handed £350k by HIS parents.

They shut up.

Got to head out now but thankyou everyone for a) making so many good points and b) not flaming me for being grabby

I think my only option is to tell them firmly, finally, that it's off the conversational agenda. Trying for a bursary, putting ds through exams there's a chance he might not pass, hoping the school offers the 'right' amount... I just think it's too much. If they don't want to sell, they don't want to sell.

I don't know whether this has any bearing on your parents' situation, but I know any money my parents make from downsizing is going into the 'caring for ourselves in old-age' pot ...

How much do you want him to go to this super whizzo school? And how much does your DS want to go there. Assuming he got bursaries could you then afford it. If not, your choice is made

Where you send you child to school is not really up to your parents and they should not be pressuring you and need to be made aware of this. You are also unreasonable to expect them to sell their house.

FWIW I would go for the comp.

OP I agree that you need to lose your temper with them. If they aren't prepared to put their hands in their pockets, then where you send your child to school is none of their business.