to think that if they really want ds to go to a fee-paying school they should put their hands in their pockets and help out?

[FalseMonica]

First-time AIBU so be gentle(ish).

Ok, so it's secondary transfer time. I'm looking for schools for ds. There is a good comp up the road which most of his friends will go to. There is also a super-selective grammar just out of area, and a fab but wildly expensive independent school.

My parents sent my brother to the fab but wildly expensive school, 20 years ago. They had a significant amount of financial help with the fees from my mum's wealthy parents. It's a great school, no argument. And tbh I'd be thrilled if ds could spend his schooldays there. But it's £15,000 pa (at the moment!) and that is totally and completely out of my reach. Not a chance.

So here's the thing. My parents are very, very keen to see my ds go to this school as well. They've made it very clear, in their way, that they think any other school is second best. They also know that there is no way on Earth I can manage the fees without a lottery win (single parent, renter, low income etc). My dad then frequently says things like 'oh, I know, I wish we could help but we're not in a position to'.

They live in a 5-bed, 4-reception room house in the south-east with the kind of garden that makes people gasp. It's worth a fair bit and they've always been mortgage-free (thanks again to my mum's parents before they died). They talk constantly about how they need to downsize. It's too big, it's too expensive to heat. They've never been happy there. It's an 'unlucky house'. They can't manage the garden. They actually pretty much live in two rooms and the kitchen. They don't use the garden at all. Etc etc etc. You get the picture. It's a white elephant, and they've said so themselves.

In these circumstances, would IBcompletelyU to suggest that, if they are so keen to see ds at Fab School, this would be the ideal time to consider downsizing, thereby freeing up enough capital to make a considerable contribution to their only grandchild's potential school fees? Do these thoughts make me a horrible, selfish, snobby person, or are my parents actually being a bit tight? After all, the only reason my bro and I went to fee-paying schools is because our grandparents funded it.

I don't want, btw, a public/state debate. This is just about whether the IWBU to raise the matter of the considerable equity in their house to help send ds to the school they so dearly want to see him attending...

i think they are being unreasonable to keep going on about it if they know it is not a option.

however i think ywbur to expect them to fund it. i also think its very unreasonable to concider anybodys assests or money to be inheritence untill they have passed away and its given as such in a will.

i also dont think anybody has an obligation to pass on assets they inherited to anybody else unless it was in the terms of the original inheritance. if i heard any of my dc's or future gc's refering to my money or anything as there inheritance (unless joking)in a entitled way i would very swiftly make sure they didnt have it.

however if they offered and it wouldnt have strings attached if you prefered to send your dc to that school then gladly accept.

If they pay for your DS you should expect them to be giving the same amount to your DB to do with as he will (as theoretically, the house is the inheritance for both of you). They may not be able to afford 'double' fees, even with a downsize. They may have planned to use the house as security for a nice residential home in case they live to be ancient. You don't know.

Even if they dote on their grandchild I think it's a lot to ask or expect. The only thing I think you are being reasonable about is to tell them to stop going on about it, as if it was the be all end all of education.

I would suggest that they fund it, not because I think that they should or that they would, but because it is a pretty much guaranteed way to get them to STFU about it!

If you mention them releasing the equity from the house by downsizing and paying the fees with that every single time they mention his schooling then I am sure that they will soon stop going on at you!

you'd be unreasonable to expect them to pay,

and even more unreasonable to ask.

IMO

Your DParents can spend their money how they like.

They also must think about their old age,and how they'll afford care etc.

I am against inherited wealth for this very reason - you always get some unreasonable twat who thinks they have 'earned' it - your parents did not earn this money, they have benefitted from a giant (probably 500%) increase in the value of their house, bought for them in the beginning by someone else - and still they hold on to it.

Loving the idea that they're that selfish they don't even want to pass on the good fortune their own parents did by funding their grandchilds private school - they should put up the cash or SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The fact that I think you sound like you're fab parents and your kid will do fine at the comp because he has you as parents is something entirely separate

such bitterness and resentment everywhere.

that is so sad.

if the comp was dreadful and your DS bullied I could maybe see your point. But that's not the case.

How about a third option - suggest DS goes to the private school for his GCSEs and (hopefully) A levels?
This gives you:

a/ only two or four years to pay for
b/time to set up a fund for it if you, DS' dad and your folks are willing to contribute

This is something we're thinking about for DS and DD - DS is six next month and DD will be four next year, so lots o' time. We're going to talk to a chum who's a tax/property lawyer - there's all sorts of ways to do it, apparently.

If this doesn't appeal, then you do need to ask your dad to wind his (well-meaning but annoying) neck in.

Good luck with it all.

Hmm. I can think of at least two cases of people I know or know of who've inherited money genuinely not being able to figure this kind of thing out. I know it seems completely obvious to all of us what they could do if they really want your DS to go to this school. But I really think they may not have thought of it. People in that situation have this strange blind spot about money sometimes and think it happens by magic. A bit like children really - there are certain things they haven't had to confront.

I don't know what I'm suggesting really. I suppose the thought in my mind is, how would you feel if, years hence, you mention jokingly that you wondered about asking them to sell the house, and they look at you with thunderstruck expressions and say "But of course we would have if you had asked!"

YANBU to ask, however do you really want your dps having such control in your/sons life?

No, don't ask them. If they wish to offer they already know they can do so.

Don't enter into any more conversations about it. Just repeat that unfortunately the private school is not an option for you, end of subject. They know the reason and going around in circles having the same discussion won't help.

FalseMonica - quite frankly I think they are being typical 'baby boomer' in their attiude and behaviour who own huge properties thay cannot afford but will not sell to either to make their own lives easier or fund their grandchild's education.

I know I am being harsh but it think they are being rather 'snobby' as I find many people of their class and generation. Their home is a part of their social status and they will not sell it under any circumstances. They are horrified by your renting and your lack of 'homeowner status' and no doubt don't really talk about you to their friends.

Ignore them. They could help but won't.

If its that bloody good why didn't they send you too, their daughter. Or is it for males only

I do hate the whole "Well we managed to do it" attitude from alot of babyboomers. Yes you did, because a) it was hell of alot easier then and b) your parents put their hands in their pockets for you! If my parents were to hand out to me and my siblings the same amount of help that they got then life would be much easier for us! But suggest it to them and we would be told that we should stand on our own two feet as they genuinely think they did!

are there really people out there who think grandparents should have to fund there grandchildren?

Believe me, this is all about them and not about you or your DS.

It is all about what they want. They want to be able to tell friends that grandson is gong to XYZ school. They dont want to say ABC Comprehensive to their friends. Its about social class and status but the reality is that they have run out of cash and are putting up appearances to friends and selling their home would be the very last thing they woudl consider. They can't fund grandson schooling without selling their house and that woudl mean a loss of social status with friends.

I know I sound like I am being nasty but I know quite a few parents being put under this kind of pressure by grandparents who live in far better circumstances and bigger houses than their children do but insist grandchildren should go to XYZ private school without offering any financial help. It leads to a lot of rancour and bitterness.

In fact, you may be surprised to find your parents have already borrowed against their house to fund their lifestyle and actually can't afford to sell.

I don't really understand your point Worra. I've already said I'd love to send ds there. But I don't have the money and they, potentially, do. I don't think they should do anything but equally I'd like to think that if I was in their position (and felt as strongly about it as they appear to) I'd make the offer

My point is are you sure you've not just being a little bit entitled here and hiding it by convincing yourself your parents really want your DS to go to this school?

Sure they'd like him to go if you can afford it, but you can't and they haven't offered....so why not just forget they mentioned it?

are there really people out there who think grandparents should have to fund there grandchildren?

No I dont think that there are people out there that think that, but there are alot of people who think that if it matters that much to them, then they need to either pony up the fees themselves or STFU about it!

Worra she can hardly forget they mentioned it when they keep going on about it. As I said, they should either pay the fees or shut up!

GoldShip, yes, it is for 'males' only. The school I went to was for 'females'. HTH.

MoreBeta to an extent I agree. The house is a bit of a status thing for my dad, I think. He grew up in totally different circumstances to my mum's very, very comfortable, solidly middle-class existence.

I'm not sure that I agree with your assessment that they're probably ashamed of me though...

are there really people out there who think grandparents should have to fund there grandchildren?

Yes, the OP's parents were these sort of people, they thought it was perfectly acceptable for the OP's grandparents to fund her DB's education. It's just not so acceptable when it's their turn... (never accept a favour if you're not prepared to repay it, by accepting their parent's generocity, they raised their DCs to believe this is how it's done - hardly surprising their DD would expect the same for her DS)

MoreBeta - they don't have a 'lifestyle'. I don't want to drip feed but they really barely leave the house. No holidays, no meals out or anything similar. But I take your other points.

Worra - the entire point of my OP is that it's a lot more than just 'mentioning it'.

Worra she can hardly forget they mentioned it when they keep going on about it. As I said, they should either pay the fees or shut up!

Hmm well that's what I'm questioning.

Are they really 'going on about it' despite knowing the OP can't afford it?

What would be the point in that?

OP, if they mention it again just politely tell them that you can't grab money out of thin air and leave it at that.

But if I were you, I'd take your eyes off their home and their money. It's not down to them to pay your child through school.

I think it would be foolish of them tbh. A private education is no guarantee of success. If there's a decent grammar school, get him ready for the entrance exam and also try for a scholarship/bursary at the private school is what I'd do.

I think if my parents had worked long and hard for their nice home, I wouldn't expected them to downsize before they were ready to fund my offspring.

If it's offered, fair enough. But to ask I think is a bit too much.

I agree with bonsoir and don'tmindifIdo if your parents benefited in this way and they could benefit your DS in the same way then they should do so, it is utterly selfish not to.

In both my family and my dh's wealth is seen as family wealth, not individual wealth, you all contribute in the best way you can to the wealth of your family. This is not just financial wealth, but also knowledge, education and expertise, which is another form of wealth and should be shared for the benefit of the family. Some people are more successful than others but we all do better when these resources are shared.

ioness - I absolutely agree that a private education is no guarantee of success. Some may say I'm living proof of that .

However... my point is that whilst my parents have indeed worked long and hard, they have also had an enormous amount of financial support from gps, and I'm just wondering why was okay for them doesn't seem to be okay for me.

But, I'm aware that I'm starting to sound a bit entitled. I don't mean to, honestly. I'm just... a bit disappointed.