to think that if they really want ds to go to a fee-paying school they should put their hands in their pockets and help out?

[FalseMonica]

First-time AIBU so be gentle(ish).

Ok, so it's secondary transfer time. I'm looking for schools for ds. There is a good comp up the road which most of his friends will go to. There is also a super-selective grammar just out of area, and a fab but wildly expensive independent school.

My parents sent my brother to the fab but wildly expensive school, 20 years ago. They had a significant amount of financial help with the fees from my mum's wealthy parents. It's a great school, no argument. And tbh I'd be thrilled if ds could spend his schooldays there. But it's £15,000 pa (at the moment!) and that is totally and completely out of my reach. Not a chance.

So here's the thing. My parents are very, very keen to see my ds go to this school as well. They've made it very clear, in their way, that they think any other school is second best. They also know that there is no way on Earth I can manage the fees without a lottery win (single parent, renter, low income etc). My dad then frequently says things like 'oh, I know, I wish we could help but we're not in a position to'.

They live in a 5-bed, 4-reception room house in the south-east with the kind of garden that makes people gasp. It's worth a fair bit and they've always been mortgage-free (thanks again to my mum's parents before they died). They talk constantly about how they need to downsize. It's too big, it's too expensive to heat. They've never been happy there. It's an 'unlucky house'. They can't manage the garden. They actually pretty much live in two rooms and the kitchen. They don't use the garden at all. Etc etc etc. You get the picture. It's a white elephant, and they've said so themselves.

In these circumstances, would IBcompletelyU to suggest that, if they are so keen to see ds at Fab School, this would be the ideal time to consider downsizing, thereby freeing up enough capital to make a considerable contribution to their only grandchild's potential school fees? Do these thoughts make me a horrible, selfish, snobby person, or are my parents actually being a bit tight? After all, the only reason my bro and I went to fee-paying schools is because our grandparents funded it.

I don't want, btw, a public/state debate. This is just about whether the IWBU to raise the matter of the considerable equity in their house to help send ds to the school they so dearly want to see him attending...

I'm not going to be having any more kids. My brother - I don't know. He's not anywhere near there yet, put it that way! Of course I'd understand if ds was one of three or whatever.

I just hate the idea that if ds ends up going to the comp they'll be weird about it. With their help me and his dad could probably manage the rest between us. It just grates, I guess. Like it was good enough for db but not for ds.

I feel your pain. PIL (who is not a lovely person, not by a long shot) keeps making suggestions of how we educate our twins. They're one, by the way .

He knows we can't afford to send them both private, he knows that we know that he could. He has previously paid for non-related children to go through private education because he was hoping there would be something in it for him (wife no,17 or something). He is otherwise tighter than a gnat's bottom. I suspect he would like us to beg. I ain't gonna! It's just maddening because if he did genuinely want to contribute, a relatively small amount in savings each year now would actually make a real difference when it comes to secondary school - even if just for sixth form years or similar.

I just can't be doing with the power games - do you think your parents are genuinely trying to help or rubbing your nose in it a bit?

If they start being weird about it, you're certainly going to need to shut them up!

I don't think you should ask your parents to sell their house!
To be honest, if they wanted to do it, they'd have thought of it themselves and suggested it.

I think you would BU to ask. In fact, even if they offered, I think YWBU to accept. There are alternatives which you can afford, and which you yourself think are sufficient for your son's education.

I think anyone who keeps going on and on about you taking steps to do something they know you simply cannot afford needs to have it pointed out that it is highly insensitive and importantly utterly pointless and be asked to put an end to the subject. especially if they do this in front of your ds in whom their opinions may be stirring all kinds of unhelpful thoughts.

The house thing is not something you should suggest - a very big step indeed to take and not your place to suggest it. However if you point out their error and ask them to drop it but they don't you could tell them what they can do about it as a way of making your point and getting them to back off.

Seems a very dead-end conversation for them to keep having.

I just hate the idea that if ds ends up going to the comp they'll be weird about it. With their help me and his dad could probably manage the rest between us. It just grates, I guess. Like it was good enough for db but not for ds.

But...your DB was their son. Your DS is your son. Why shouldn't they have provided more for the former than the latter...? Or expect you to provide for your son, as they have already provided for you and your DB?

I would honestly never want to be reliant on someone else paying for something like this. If I couldnt afford if for my kids, then they wouldnt get it.

I would also say, if paying for it was going to mean doing without holidays, household items, and other things in life, I would not do it either.

Every child in this country is entitled to a free education, and going to a public school does not mean that the child will do any better than one at the local high school either.

TwelveLeggedWalk - I honestly don't think they are trying to rub my nose in it. We are very close in lots of ways (it's been a shitty few years family-wise) and they've been hugely supportive of me and ds. They love him to bits and I know they just want 'the best' for him - whatever that is!

It's just the combination of being unhappy in this great big, expensive house and seeing me getting stressed about ds and school - it seems weird. They are in a position to help. But they won't, for some unfathomable reason.

Maybe I should just jokingly suggest it and see what happens...

I know that, squeaky. This isn't about free education or not.

Yanbu. But, downsizing isn't always straightforward though... My PILs have been trying to downsize from their 6 bedroom house with 1 acre garden for years but have never found the right house to move to. I think they can't really decide what they want in terms of a "retirement house". Selling the big house depends on finding a nice smaller house to move to. Also not many people have the money to buy great big properties at the moment so the chances are it would be on the market for a long time.
How open and honest a conversation can you have with them? What are the bursaries like in the private school? If you did the sums of the costs with a bursary could you sit down and say, this is how much it would cost a year to send ds, even with a bursary, do you feel strongly enough to help out with costs? Then you could put ds in for the exams for the private school but only send him there if he's awarded a bursary.
Also bear in mind the effect on ds of being a poor kid in a private school. What if there are £700 ski trips every year and he can never go on them? He might feel more settled in a comp where he would be like everyone else (I went to one and it never did me any harm .)

What about ds's father? Can he contribute?
I would apply for a bursary, if that goes well then talk to the father about what extra funds both of,you would need to raise, and after that you need further funding then I would approach your parents about maybe releasing some equity, but not selling.

OK, so the general consensus is that IWBU to suggest (even lightheartedly) re: house. And politely tell my dad to STFU. You're probably right. I still don't get it though. They've had so much handed to them on a plate from mum's parents. I can't help but be frustrated, I know that's wrong but I just can't help it!

Sorry, x-posting!

Ds's father isn't in any position to contribute anymore than I am. Between us we could probably manage a third of the fees, say, but not much more.

I wish I didn't even know this place existed! Bloody schools, I'll be so glad when it's all over.

Fab expensive school does not necessarily mean its the best place for your DS . I moved my DD from private to state and she was much happier. Have you asked your DS what he wants , if all his friends are going to the comp and grammar you may find that that would be his preference and that then makes it a mute point about who should pay . Also what does your exP think , he may not want a private education for his DS

I think you need to lose you temper with them, next time you get "oh, the teachers will be so much better at X school" I'd tell them to shut up about it, it's not like they made personal sacrifices to send DB to that school, so unless they are prepared to do what your grandparents did and pay for it, they should stop going on about DS going to X school because you do not have access to the money to fund it.

It's actually increadibly rude of them to put you under this pressure to do the 'best for ds', they didn't have to make the decision to go without anything or choose the 'second best option', they were given the best option for free - if they can't see how lucky they were then you need to point it out. If they don't step up to pay for it, at least they might realise the reason DB went to a great school was nothing to do with them and they are chosing not to do the same for DS.

(And I do think if you have benefitted from a family culture of older generations financially supporting younger ones with either school fees and/or money for houses, it's bloody rude and selfish to take that yourself and benefit from it but then not do the same for the next generation if you are able to.)

I think the problem is that you want the public option. If you were genuinely happy with the local school then you'd have no problem laughing when your dad makes some thoughtless comments.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, that's worth a lot more than them stumping up school fees for your son. And as other posters have said, it's not just your son. What happens if your DB has children? Should they pay for them?

School choices can be stressful - and I think your father's views add an extra thing for you to stress about. Best wishes.

Oh, XH is even more rabid about it than my parents! He's coming with us tonight to the comp open evening and I'm just praying that no-one's going to be smoking behind the bike sheds - he'll be looking for any reason not to like it

But at least with him, he seems more rational about the fact that we just don't have the money.

They sound like dreamers who perhaps haven't had to confront financial realities for a while, given the inheritance.

They'll also know little to nothing about the local state schools. How would they since they sent their children elsewhere? They are therefore in no position to comment on the relative quality of the teaching. Facilities are easier to see or guess at and there will be a difference but the teaching could be equally good.

I'd suggest you do your research and then you can talk to them in an informed way about what the state schools actually offer. Maybe hey'd like to go to an open day with you (unless you think that would encourage over-involvement).

DontmindifIdo - exactly. Exactly. I do feel under pressure. And then I probably pass that on to ds. They don't mean to, but they are making me very stressed about the whole thing.

Where do they expect you to get the money from?

How does your brother feel about it?

Money has a habit of making siblings fall out. Any chance he might think you were spending his inheritance?

Also they may be in a position to fund trips and extras (music lessons, extra tuition etc) later, when, in their own time, they've sold the house. That is a great way to add quality at relatively low cost, without the stress of a seven-year commitment.

Lottie - you're right. Thing is, the comp had a terrible, appalling (and well-deserved) rep years ago. It's massively improved but these things stick, don't they? I was talking it up to them the other day and I could see they weren't buying it!

jeee - yeah I admit it, I do love the idea of ds going there. It's a wonderful school. But maybe I just need to get over it.

I agree - you need to get them to stop mithering on about this, and using it to work hidden agenda.

You need to be clear about what you actually want.

If you really really would like, in an ideal world, your ds to attend this school, then be direct and say 'yes, I think it would be a wonderful school. Would you be in a position to pay the fees for him, in the same way your parents paid mine and dbs?. The committment would be to £15k x 7 years plus inflation, and we'd need to put it in a trust so we knew it was always there', BUT be gracious and cheerful if they say 'no'.

If you don't want to ask them, and are actively happy that the comp will suit him well and is a good school be direct and say 'This conversation needs to stop. There is no way we can afford the private school so there's no point thinking about it, and furthermore I am happy that the comp is good and he will do well. there is no point in discussing it further and it isn't helpful to DS to hear that you believe he is getting second best. So please, let that be the end of it'. And if they do change the subject and refuse to engage. Then they can't use it to play mind games and insinuate subtexts.

Good luck!