To consider moving over 3 hours away from soon to be ex DH with baby DD?

[tigerbear]

The situation is this (in short, or as short as I can make it!): I've recently split up with H (he doesn't want to break up) and the original plan was for him to stay in our marital home and for me to buy somewhere new within approx 10-15 min walk for ease of getting to nursery, schools in a few years, etc. The plan was to alternate the weeks each of us have baby DD (16 months), so we both have equal custody and she has 2 homes.

Up until now DD hasn't been in nursery (been looked after for past 6 months when I went back to work by both sets of grandparents who have all travelled from their homes hours away and stayed with us for a few days each week. Over the past 6 weeks she has also been looked after by a childminder).

The problems are:

• we live in a very expensive area of London where 2 bed flats are a minimum of £260k (very small, on edge of dodgy area) and I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere nice. The thought of DD growing up somewhere rubbish isn't a nice one
• For me to be able to afford anywhere, I will have to get a permanent job at least 4 days per week (my work for the past few years has been own business and freelance work) therefore DD will be in nursery 4 days per week, at least 10-11 hours per day.

We have a flat we can sell and can take equity out of our current home.

My family have suggested me moving back to them (NE England) for the following reasons:

• Decent home -could be mortgage free up there
• Family support and DD can be near grandparents and cousin
• I wouldn't need to work full-time (would only need to do 2 days per week if I remained freelance) so DD wouldn't have to be in nursery
• Better schools
• Better quality of life - clean air, near beach and countryside, less stress all round

I have proposed the idea to ex DH for us both to move (he would be able to buy somewhere out-right too, and wouldn't need to work so much) and he's completely opposed to it, saying his life is here. My family are saying he's selfish not to want a better life for DD.
He's saying I'm selfish for wanting to move away. My alternative plan is to move and bring DD back every week so she can have her week with him, and I would do one day per week of work in London. When she starts school, we'd have to reconsider things as would have to obviously live near each other.

AIBU to consider this move?

YABVU!!!!!!!!!

Very gracious OP, glad to hear you're taking people's views inboard even though they don't agree with you.

Don't really understand the "less time at nursery" angle though- surely whatever time she doesn't spend there (or after school clubs in later years) is made up in the back seat of a car or train being ferried around visiting her Dad?

Really, 3 hours from London to NE? Really? why not compromise, move out of the home counties, somewhere you can afford a house but your exH can get to easily and possibly move to himself while still working in London? (thinking Bedfordshire area - if you don't need to be on a fast train to london prices drop dramatically and you're the right side of London for a regular drive up to your parents). I would draw a circle of an hour drive/train journey from London and look round there - you should be able to afford somewhere a lot bigger for the money.

Agree, where your PIL live might be interesting, they obviously live relatively close to be able to visit so often.

But also, you might have to give up the idea of your exH being able to keep the flat, he might have to sell it and either buy something smaller or move out of the area.

Don'tmind -PIL don't live near - over 3 hours away. Mine are 4 hours away.

H has no problem keeping the flat, he can easily afford it, plus it would be difficult to get anywhere smaller or less expensive in this area.

Have already mentioned that I've accepted IABU, however H and I will be discussing all options again with a counsellor this week.

tiger you've taken this very well, I really hope you can find a solution that suits you all and gives your DD maximum stability.

sock 'I really do believe that kids belong with their mother'. Thankfully the courts don't agree with you any longer, and shared custody is becoming the norm.

Alibaba, thanks for your kind words.
To you too, Sock, and for the PM, I appreciate it.

I'm really glad you're prepared to re-think this and to discuss it in mediation OP.

I think that in itself says a lot about you as a parent.

Good luck and I hope you can all come to a compromise that's best for your DD.

Thanks Worra.

Op how would you feel if stbxh had primary residence of dd, and decided to move 3 hours away from you, maybe fine whilst your dd is not at school (and even then, really?) but you'd totally be looking at the long term and wondering wtf would be happening once your dd started nursery as you'd hardly get to see her! How about given stbxh primary residence and then move away 3 hours, and you can collect your dd once a week, making a long journey there and back, and hope to god that you are able to move back before your dd starts nursery! YABVVVVU

the OP has failed to give any sound reasons for disrupting her daughter and fathers relationship - apart from wanting to be mortgage free and not having to go to work much

I think being debt free and having more time to spend with your child are pretty bloody good reasons personally, and that the OP has received an unfair pasting, however...

...on a practical level, and particularly in the long-term I think moving that far away could be fraught with problems, both logistical and emotional. Plenty of children grown up quite happily in small houses/flats in central London, and having both parents involved in their day-to-day lives, even if they are not together will be a bonus.

So many people have raised points about how much more difficult it will be as your DD gets older. She will have school commitments and friends who she wants to see at the weekend which will be problematic. In the short term, to-ing and fro-ing between yourself and your ex will be unsettling enough for her, even if you are living close enough to maintain the same childcare arrangements. The set-up you are suggesting would be extremely disruptive for a child your DD's age, even if your ex could find childcare arrangements that would work around it. Apart from all that, if your DD is with your ex and (God forbid) something happens and you are 5+ hours drive away - how are you going to deal with that (or vice versa). I know it's hopefully unlikely, but it's still something to think about.

That'll teach me not to read the last page of a thread!

Hope you get it all sorted .

I think OP has taken this VERY graciously !!

she was accused of being a piss boiler! thats a new one

OP you have said you are BU, so thats why this website can be good

Dads love their children just as much as Mums, and for me to have my children 3 hours away, would be like a death, I cant even fathom it

I appreciate we dont have background, so best of luck with mediaton. this must all be very painful

It's always nice to hear people take on other's views and review their own original view and think about things a little more.
I really hope you manage to come to an agreement that works for you all. Good luck.

As others have said (perhaps less kindly), I think you should leave your parents out of any discussions. You say you have always wanted to relocate but obviously you didn?t hate where you are so much that you demanded a move. Therefore it?s completely unreasonable to end the marriage, ask you?re now ex to relocate with you anyway and then suggest he?s selfish for not wanting to do it now (or rather your parents did).

I?m afraid I agree with others. Your daughter lives in London, as does her dad, therefore you need to stay fairly local. If you wouldn?t consider making the move alone then I?m afraid you have your answer.
Good luck with the mediation.