To consider moving over 3 hours away from soon to be ex DH with baby DD?

[tigerbear]

The situation is this (in short, or as short as I can make it!): I've recently split up with H (he doesn't want to break up) and the original plan was for him to stay in our marital home and for me to buy somewhere new within approx 10-15 min walk for ease of getting to nursery, schools in a few years, etc. The plan was to alternate the weeks each of us have baby DD (16 months), so we both have equal custody and she has 2 homes.

Up until now DD hasn't been in nursery (been looked after for past 6 months when I went back to work by both sets of grandparents who have all travelled from their homes hours away and stayed with us for a few days each week. Over the past 6 weeks she has also been looked after by a childminder).

The problems are:

• we live in a very expensive area of London where 2 bed flats are a minimum of £260k (very small, on edge of dodgy area) and I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere nice. The thought of DD growing up somewhere rubbish isn't a nice one
• For me to be able to afford anywhere, I will have to get a permanent job at least 4 days per week (my work for the past few years has been own business and freelance work) therefore DD will be in nursery 4 days per week, at least 10-11 hours per day.

We have a flat we can sell and can take equity out of our current home.

My family have suggested me moving back to them (NE England) for the following reasons:

• Decent home -could be mortgage free up there
• Family support and DD can be near grandparents and cousin
• I wouldn't need to work full-time (would only need to do 2 days per week if I remained freelance) so DD wouldn't have to be in nursery
• Better schools
• Better quality of life - clean air, near beach and countryside, less stress all round

I have proposed the idea to ex DH for us both to move (he would be able to buy somewhere out-right too, and wouldn't need to work so much) and he's completely opposed to it, saying his life is here. My family are saying he's selfish not to want a better life for DD.
He's saying I'm selfish for wanting to move away. My alternative plan is to move and bring DD back every week so she can have her week with him, and I would do one day per week of work in London. When she starts school, we'd have to reconsider things as would have to obviously live near each other.

AIBU to consider this move?

please dont take your DD away from her loving dad. if you did this to me i would fight you for custody. if you really have to go leave her with her dad.

i disagree and think yanbu. if the pro reasons you have listed are correct then i think you would be stupid to not move.better schools to me would have a huge impact as would avoiding such long hours in nursery.

obviously there is nothing wrong with full time nursery but its not ideal if it can be avoided.having a large family support network so close is also a biggy to me.

but i am biased and personally think that 50/50 care arangements when done week by week dont work i also think they can break down frequently when done otherways and think they just pander to an idea i personally think is crap. but obviously that is only my personal view based solely on my experances.

I hope anyone saying yanbu never ever again complains about men not trying hard enough to be good fathers. Hypocrites.

He will be able to apply to the courts for a Prohibited Steps Order which will prevent you from moving that far away.

300 miles is too far. A relationship will be impossible over that distance. Your dd will not thank you for it.

fwiw my eldests childs dad lived miles away (he chose to move not me) was a wonderful dad,the distance never hindered him at all. when he lived nearby he was shite because he placed less importance on dc as in his words 'he could do it tomorrow' when he was far away to him everything seamed more precious and they were both happier.

hidden ofcourse he can apply,dosnt mean he will get it. anybody can apply to a court for anything heavens above i could take you to court because i dont like your socks. but that wont mean a court has to agree with me.

a relationship over that distance is not impossible at all plenty of parents do it with great sucess.

I have to say that in your position op, I would probably move.

Having said that, it is definitely unfair on your DD's father and will limit the relationship between him and your DD severely. I would like to know if the circumstances really justify this - eg has he been an appalling father this far?

You say that you have left him and I wonder why this is. It is not advisable to split up a marriage in the first 2 years of a child's life unless there is a very good reason such as abuse. This is because the first 2 years of any child's life is a flash point for relationships. My personal belief is that you owe it to all 3 of you to work at it if there is nothing out of the ordinary going on.

Try to see it from his perspective - he has been dumped and faces having his child taken 3 hours away permanently. That must be heartbreaking for him and please consider if it is justified.

I agree with those that have said if this situation was reversed everyone would be outraged on the mother's behalf. In a 50/50 custody arrangement surely there is no primary carer and the father's wishes have to be taken into account. If I ever split with dh it would break his heart to move the children away from him. It just doesn't seem fair.

You want to move for selfish reasons.

Having a strong relationship with a father who lives nearby is more important than a bigger house and nearby beach.

Oh, and your family sound very interfering, saying your ex is 'very selfish' for opposing the move? Jesus Christ. He's her father. Father trumps Granny, Grandad, Uncle, cousin etc. Every time.

a relationship over that distance is not impossible at all plenty of parents do it with great sucess

Another reason why imo the OP should leave the child with her Dad.

If she's choosing the distance, she should be willing to be the NRP.

"If she's choosing the distance, she should be willing to be the NRP."

I agree with this.

But I still think what would be best for this little girl would be the original plan of both parents nearby.

I don't really get why 4 days a week in nursery is so terrible that it justifies moving a toddler away from one of her parents.

Which would be fine Worra except that the ex seems to have worked out his situation based on the 50/50 thing. He will have to do extra hours on the weeks he doesn't have DD to make up for the weeks he does. Goodness knows whether his job is flexible enough to be a RP.

I don't think people consider how fast the time goes. DD will be in school before you know it. Where will she be permanently then?

You havn't mentioned where your Ex's patents live. From your op it seems they have been very helpfull in regards to childcare since you split and you working. Is it possible this could continue so your dd wouldn't go to nursery as you wish. Thus enabling you to be mortgage free.

I think yabvu. A lot of the reasons you give for wanting to move, being mortgage free for example are pretty unrealistic for most people.

Please don't do this.

My DPs ex wife has done this, and his contact with his children has suffered. Then she moans he's not seeing them enough

Don't do this to him or his child.

True MrsTerry but I'm trying to put myself in his position and I'd move mountains to stop my child being taken away from me.

I'm sure that like most single parents he'd be able to sort childcare out while he works.

True Worra. Also, I find some of this hard to understand as in order to keep a decent roof over my toddlers head, I have to work four days a week as it is. DH has to work 5 (actually 6 this week) and we have no family support.

I had a two bedroom flat in horrible Croydon and it is probably 160K so London (ish) is doable if someone wants to.

Also, I cannot imagine alternating weeks with my LO and she is 21 months now. It is a lot to expect a child to do at this age.

worra if the dad is likly to be the better parent then yep he should be the rp,but nothing in the op's posts indercate there are any legit issues with her parenting especially given that the dad (according to the op) could relocate and be in a much better enviroment/suituation for himself and his child but is not prepared to do so,despite messing with the status quo of mum remaining freelance (that would indercate to me that she has worked less to care for dc combined with a bit of help from gp's).

if i lived in a shit area with poor schooling and could only afford poor housing due to the high cost of the area and could change that,i would bust a gut to do so as it would be better for a dc.

I'm wondering why the quality of air, better schools, lack of beach and countryside only became a problem for the OP when her family mentioned them?

They obviously weren't a problem when the OP was with her DH.

Sock why should there be anything to indicate the Dad is the 'better' parent?

What if they're both as good as each other at parenting and anyway, who gets to decide whose best at it?

And why should he relocate simply because his wife decides she no longer wants to be married to him and wants to take his child away?

The area and all the other reasons weren't a problem until the OP's family mentioned them.

If my DH decided to up and leave me and take the kids because suddenly the area we live in isn't good enough, he'd have one hell of a fight on his hands.

Fast forward a good few years:
"So, mum, why did I grow up so far away from my Dad and not get to see him that much?"
"Well, I left him and didn't want to work four days a week. Oh, and the air quality"

I'm sure the child will be delighted with those answers.

often people dont think about these things whilst dc's are still babys people tend to work within what they have without concidering what they can change.

perhaps she didnt think it was previously a viable option but now knows it is.

Hi all, many thanks for all of your responses.
They have made difficult reading, I may have to accept that IABU.
However to those of you who have written bitchy comments such as 'I feel sorry for your daughter' or 'parents like you make me angry...' etc, you know nothing about the type of parent I'm am/have been until now', I'm a perfectly good parent thanks.

All I wanted was to consider a different way of life for ALL of us. Who wouldn't want a less stressful life, more time with their DC, nicer home for them? That's what I was proposing to H. When he said no, I was trying to find a solution that might work for at least one of us to be able to spend time with her before she has to go to school, etc.
Clearly, IABU to most of you.

I just want to make it clear that in no way do I ever want H and DD not to see each other. He is an amazing dad to her. I have to accept I was being un realistic in thinking this arrangement can work, but I was definitely not in any way trying to be malevolent to H (not sure if that's the right word, sorry, head is spinning a bit).

H and I are seeing a mediator and will be discussing this situation again in our appointment this week.

Thanks again for all your replies.

PS- relocation has always been something I've wanted to do, even before we had DD, it's always cropped up. H's response was always 'in a few years I'll consider it'.

I think this is appalling OP, I really do - sorry to say

The mother/child and father/child relationships are primary, always, unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances - which from your OP, there aren't.

You are listing things most of us on this thread would like, but none of us would harm the primary relationships required for a healthy, happy, secure childhood in order to achieve those wishes. You do not need to be mortgage free at the expense of your child's relationship with their father. Your parents should have no say in this at all. Of course they're going to want you to move back up to them!

I can see the appeal but you are blinded by these gains that the majority of people get along fine without. Just imagine if he wanted to take your child away from you. It beggars belief. Maybe the week with you/week with him doesn't work either but both of you should moving heaven and earth to enable the best situation for your child, not you. Your child's best interests are to have good, solid relationships with both their parents - not to live in a mortgage free house!

worra usually a judge when these things are desputed.

i will put my hands up and say that i do belive children belong with there mother unless shes crap and the dad is better so obviously my views will be biased towards this,just as yours are towards 50/50. we just have differing views on this