To consider moving over 3 hours away from soon to be ex DH with baby DD?

[tigerbear]

The situation is this (in short, or as short as I can make it!): I've recently split up with H (he doesn't want to break up) and the original plan was for him to stay in our marital home and for me to buy somewhere new within approx 10-15 min walk for ease of getting to nursery, schools in a few years, etc. The plan was to alternate the weeks each of us have baby DD (16 months), so we both have equal custody and she has 2 homes.

Up until now DD hasn't been in nursery (been looked after for past 6 months when I went back to work by both sets of grandparents who have all travelled from their homes hours away and stayed with us for a few days each week. Over the past 6 weeks she has also been looked after by a childminder).

The problems are:

• we live in a very expensive area of London where 2 bed flats are a minimum of £260k (very small, on edge of dodgy area) and I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere nice. The thought of DD growing up somewhere rubbish isn't a nice one
• For me to be able to afford anywhere, I will have to get a permanent job at least 4 days per week (my work for the past few years has been own business and freelance work) therefore DD will be in nursery 4 days per week, at least 10-11 hours per day.

We have a flat we can sell and can take equity out of our current home.

My family have suggested me moving back to them (NE England) for the following reasons:

• Decent home -could be mortgage free up there
• Family support and DD can be near grandparents and cousin
• I wouldn't need to work full-time (would only need to do 2 days per week if I remained freelance) so DD wouldn't have to be in nursery
• Better schools
• Better quality of life - clean air, near beach and countryside, less stress all round

I have proposed the idea to ex DH for us both to move (he would be able to buy somewhere out-right too, and wouldn't need to work so much) and he's completely opposed to it, saying his life is here. My family are saying he's selfish not to want a better life for DD.
He's saying I'm selfish for wanting to move away. My alternative plan is to move and bring DD back every week so she can have her week with him, and I would do one day per week of work in London. When she starts school, we'd have to reconsider things as would have to obviously live near each other.

AIBU to consider this move?

My friend's ex did this and it's worked out very well for them. Their DS spends alternate weeks with Dad in London and Mum in the North of England. I'm not sure how it will work when the little boy gets to school age, but for now it's working.

There is no hint at all in the OP's post that her soon to be ex-h is abusive in any way.

to add to my post OP - from the list of reasons you give for wanting to move, I think the desire for DD to spend less time in nursery is valid, and I think this is something you could raise with your partner. If you could manage to work 4 days a week, could he? Then you are looking at 3 days a week with a childminder or nursery, which is better.

Even if you moved, you would still have to work 2 days a week, so there's not that much difference.

FWIW, I think if you are considering radically changing your partner's relationship with his daughter, and forcing a changed pattern of contact on him - I don't think a desire for you to be mortgage free should figure that much. That's a luxury most people don't have - it's ok to want it, but not to change your daughter and her father's life to achieve it.

You are in a difficult position, one I do not envy.

I think some of the above posts are very harsh.

I do not think you are selfish for wanting your dd to live in a nice house, in a nice area, with access to beaches, parks and country side etc, and be close to her grandparents, aunts uncles cousins and so on and have a lot more quality time with her mum .... As opposed to living in a not so nice house in a salourbrious area, in a nursery for 11 hours a day, being shunted around.

However, it is important also for her to have a stable and secure realationship with her father.

Difficult indeed.

Is there no compromise at all? If dad wont even consider moving. I don't know what to suggest really ....

Can her dad not visit weekends, the train from London to northeast is only 2.5 / 3 hours, hotels b&bs are v cheap here, and then dd go to him for longer stints during holidays etc.

To be honest, I think one week in one home and then one week in another is highly unsettling anyway. I believe children should have a permanent base.

"How is it not considering dd to look at ways the primary carer can spend more time with her rather than have her in nursery for 11 hours" but they're going for 50/50 parenting, so there isn't a "primary carer" in this instance. And even if there was, the rights of the child to maintain a good relationship with both parents by far outweighs the parent's right to a house in the countryside. It is also incredibly selfish to suggest that moving a child three hours away and essentially taking her away from her father, and bringing her back every week so she can be passed backwards and forwards between you week on week like some kind of toy will somehow give her a better quality of life.

You have a child together, you parent a child together, IMO. Yes, relationship end and that is unfortunate. But when there are children in the equasion you have to consider that they are still a part of both of you, whether you both want to be with one another or not.

I'm with you CurlyKiwiControl - it's very very difficult.

I also agree that living one week at one house and one week at another would be quite unsettling. Would the child have clothes and toys for each house or have to pack up and take it all with them each week?

Yes, fewer days in nursery would be desirable, although perhaps not so much if the alternative is 2 days per week spent in the car travelling up and down the country.

Are you sure there is not a compromise, somewhere a little further North but still commutable to London for your ExP? If possible, I am sure it is best for the DC's parents to live close to one another in the same town.

Milton Keynes, for example, is only 35 mins from London.

Clearly, you'd rather move closer to your family, and that's totally understandable.

But YABU. Children (especially tinies) don't need material things or nice, big houses nearly as much as they need to have stable relationships with the important adults in their lives. You know this.

Of course when a relationship ends it can be hard to see things from the point of view of the dc, because you've moved on and your Ex is no longer central to your life. But he is still central to hers. Try to be fair to her and keep them together.

I agree completely with edam.

edam since you quoted me earlier... 'I were your DH I would go for overall custody rather than let anyone take my child 3hrs away from me with such flimsy reasons' - shrill and over the top.

Can you tell me what's shrill and over the top about my post?

If you were married and your DH decided to leave you and take your baby a 3hr journey away, would you not fight him for custody?

If not, why on earth not?

Surely you'd realise that as soon as the baby starts school, the arrangement would no longer work and that you as the NRP would eventually get sidelined to weekend/school holiday contact only.

But that's your choice.

a few things: nothing wrong with your child being at nursery full time or four days a week. You make is sound as if it is the end of the world.

You mention you have properties. Sell one and buy something close to your ex!

A rough area could be gentrified in a matter of years.

Finally you are both parents and it is selfish that you are even considering taking your child so far away from his father. She needs both of you.

All the stuff I have looked at (and weirdly I was researching this for a friend last week) says that at this age children should not be spending this long away from either parent. This is one good link. Little and often in recommended by everyone. Once the child is old enough to be spending one week here, one week there, it is almost time for school anyway. The time will fly past and what do you plan on doing about school? Much harder to move back to London when you have been off the property ladder there for a while.

altinkum - when that child is 16 months old and about to have their world turned upside-down, then any good parent does indeed live their life for the benefit of their children. IMHO, of course.

Your poor daughter

Can anyone imagine this is in reverse? If the OP was saying this....

"My Husband has decided to divorce me (I don't want our marriage to end). We agreed on shared custody but now his family want him to take our DD to live in an area that's a 3 hour drive from me. I don't want to be estranged from my baby and even more so when she's old enough to start school in that area because my contact with her will become less and less."

"AIBU to think it's not me who's the selfish one here?"

I'm sure there would be various cries of "Controlling bastard" and "Fight him for custody."

Did you not talk about these issues before you had a child? I told my dp I would only have a baby with him if he agreed that if we split up we all move to the UK rather than stay here in Sweden as the only reason I am here is for him.

What were your long term plans pre breakup? Had you spoken about relocating to the countryside?

Where do ex-husband's family live? Could you all relocate close to them?

Worra - exactly.

YABVVU unreasonable

YABVU, your DD wont even remember being in nursery but she will remember you moving her so far away from her dad for no justifiable reason.

You chose to have a child with your ex, be the adult and stick to the co-parenting rather than break the famiy even more apart.

Why do so many people do the "Oh I have no support network here" thing. You don't think about that when you started your family.

3 hours is far too far to separate a child from their other parent, especially if NRP is not in agreement with it.

honeytea I hope you have a cast-iron agreement drawn up with your DP, witnessed and with an experienced lawyer drafting it. In the case that you split up, I think there is every chance you would not be able to leave with the child. I looked into it because I am in Canada for my DH. The advise I was given was that it would be practically impossible to convince a Court to let me leave with DD if he fought it.

totally agree with Worra

it is not in the best interest of your child to do this to her, IMO it is inevitable that it will change her relationship with her father.

I dont know the answer but I would certainly try to find one where your dd's relationship with her father is preserved,

my ex has recently returned to England which means he has gone from frequently seeing our dd's to seeing them in school holidays. I feel sad for them as his reasons for doing so were flimsy to say the least, I feel that he has put his own needs and desires above those of his daughters, and sadly I think they will see that and feel rejected.

You have to be able to look your daughter in the eyes and say honestly that you did everything in your power to ensure that you helped her have that special father/daughter relationship

The life you describe initially, with both parents living close by and an easy shared custody is lovely.

Nothing you mention in your list of reasons to move to the NE comes close to a better quality of life than that.

YABU and so is your family, the members of which are hardly impartial here.

Of course they want you and your DD to move near them.

But it is very, very selfish of them to try to convince you that moving 300 miles away from her Dad is OK.