Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

'CEOP are good and know their stuff. '

For an organisation I didn't know existed this time last week, I think they're pretty impressive.

That sounds much more thorough, AgentZ, glad you've finally got someone competent handling it. Is this guy from CEOP?

I think Mary's probably right, if you have to indicate anything at this stage you don't want to give them any reason to drop the investigation before it's even got started. You can always decide to leave it at cop having a stern word if you discover later on it's a bit less sinister than it appears.

Is dd's school aware? How is dd?

She should be able to make a video statement before and if it goes to court she can give testimony via video link to the court or from behind a screen in the court so she can't see him and he can't see her.
Hope that puts your mind at rest a little x

AZZ great news that CEOP are investigating properly. How are you feeling about DD's security and walking to school? Have they managed to reassure you at all?

Blimey just read your thread,or most of it, and am so shocked at the PC I hope this all gets sorted asap? I really feel for you x

This bloke was from a specialist internet unit, I think they were CEOPs point of contact here because he's from the biggest nearby city.

Haven't told the school (have to think more about that one), she's been going and getting picked up by my mum in the car, and DH is taking her Thurs/Fri morning and I'll meet her surreptitiously round the corner from school.

DD's not too bad I think edam, thanks for asking.

She's asking what's been going on (she's been at mums tonight) and seems reassured and alright about what we've said (we didn't say about the voice mail being left so as not to worry her more about internet bloke). She was hungry, so all's well in the world

What I meant about the video statement was at what point is the statement taken? Would it be taken because she's put in a complaint about the man, or would it only be taken if the decision was made to prosecute him. So if she put in a complaint it would be inevitable she'd have to make a statement whatever they turned up about the bloke?

I'm just thinking on the implications for her making a complaint, and putting her through making a statement would make me think twice.

If you're unsure about what happens, why not ring and ask them to explain the process of making making a complaint, what it actually involves.

It's a very reasonable question to ask them.

Really glad to hear you've got people on the case who sound like they're competent now, by the way.

When I was paraphrasing what he said about it he was nodding and making the right noises that I was following how he'd explained it. But it felt like he was being careful about what he was saying to not influence us because what we'd decide would impact on DD and that was ultimately our decision.

Overall, and DH agrees, he was talking to us as one parent to another. Very quietly spoken and relaxed and understood what we were saying and what we'd done.

(and thanks for yours and your DPs help last night, in the end we didn't want to jeopardise fucking up the messages so I wrote them out by hand (and it took me a solid hours writing ) sorry to take up your time for nowt, but it was helpful to look at the options I'm glad you reminded me we wanted a copy I'd have forgotten else)

Ah, the good old technology of writing. Nothing else as user-friendly or reliable has been invented yet, I'd say :)

Thanks for the update: this seems an altogether more appropriate response. I hope your dd learns from the experience, but is able very much to put it behind her and move on.

The video statement should be taken before they interview the suspect - and prior to a charging decision - they need it so they have a record of exactly what has been said and they have a record of the exact allegations.

The officers taking the statement would be experienced at taking statements from children - my guess is as the main witness she would have to make a statement and give evidence via video link.

As above. The video statement will be taken whilst things are fresh in DD's mind. Most likely though they will decide if they will be investigating and getting enough to charge the guy with something.

IME and i know this will not have been the case for everyone, DD had as pleasant a time as she could have done giving evidence, given the circumstances. They were very gentle about things and there was no pressure.

I wish the same could have been said of the medical examination :( I hope your DD doesn't have to go through that.. The defence can be arseholes in cases like this and pressed for DD to have a second exam taken by their own 'expert' i refused to let her go through it again. I don't think it will be applicable in your case though fortunately x

Certainly sounds like you have had an altogether more appropriate response

This thread has been a real eye opener for me even though I already knew about CEOP (used to work for a telecoms company/ISP).

It has prompted me to have a chat about safety with my 12 year old ds and to think about checking his phone every so often (although it's only a very old PAYG one). He only has access to the family iPad and only ever in "public" rooms and spends his time on cycling websites so so far, that shouldn't be a concern.

So even if this thread is ultimately deleted it has served a purpose for parents on MN.

Last night's visit sounds much more like what you would expect and hope for really doesnt it?

And i agree that this thread has really made me think about what DS gets up to. He tends to shut himself in the tv room with the laptop and gets away with it as he often plays Playstation online with a friend overseas and they chat on Skype on the laptop at the same time. I went through internet history on the laptop yesterday and found nothing untoward. Will be double checking the parental controls too although I think they are ok as I couldn't load his emails on it - kept getting a message that it couldn't establish a secure connection which has happened before and DH fixes. He mainly gets emails from my niece and Match magazine!

I would imagine they will want to take a statement fairly quickly. This really is nothing to worry about too much. In our case it was a video statement and DD was taken into a separate room and interviewed by a specially trained non uniform officer.

They are very nice and go out of their way to relax children as basically upsetting a child would make them clam up. So it really is just like a gentle chat. dD did get a bit upset but they reassured her she wasn't in trouble . I was able to watch it all on a monitor in another room.

It is really hard, when you're in shock and in the middle of it all, to imagine ever being back to normal. I don't want to scare you in any way, but just watch out for any signs of distress in your DD over the next few months. She may need some extra support or reassurance. My DD started having panic attacks when I left her and we were offered counselling but didn't take them up on it as she didn't link the attacks to the Internet thing and we were reluctant to open it all up again. Instead we worked with her school at reassuring her and building confidence. We got through it eventually and so will you. Like I said, I don't want to scare you, just make you aware so you can watch for any after effects.

These are very hard lessons to learn and I know now that if it can happen to us it can happen to anyone, no matter how many safe guards you put in place. You can be vigilant and educate them as much as you can about internet safety but short of never giving them access to a phone or the Internet there is no 100% guarantee that they will not stumble into something like this.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-19739073

OP, take a look at this, the Rochdale report criticises police incompetence in not taking appropriate action at the outset and suggesting girls were in some way responsible - this proves to you and us that the treatment you got from the first "plod" was outrageous and would be at least as harshly criticised as those in this report.

I'm hoping this won't come to her having to give a video statement, but if it does, it's reassuring to hear it's not too traumatic.

I thought exactly the same catstail when I read 'The report also shows some officials believed vulnerable girls as young as 10 - who were being groomed for sexual abuse - were "making their own choices".' WTF? I feel a bit of an idiot for wanting to trust the police to start with, I wonder how many other parents have trusted them to do the right thing only to be fobbed off?

I'm going to make an appointment to go into the school because some bullying has followed her from primary. It's four girls mostly, and because I'm thinking now about what might have caused her to do the internet thing (although it could just have been random stupidity) I wonder whether the two are linked. They're saying stuff like she's a 'bum raper' and if she walks up to them they run off like fucking 5 YOs who don't know any better. I can tell them about the police as well.

The school website has a link to CEOP, and Think You Know which is affiliated to CEOP, but not one thing on bullying.

It never rains but it pours, I may as well try and sort them in one foul swoop.

agent, I'm glad you've got a better response from CEOPS, and like everyone else I'm shocked at PC Plod's incompetence. I hope you, your DD and the rest of your family get over this experience soon.

Just to add - because I didn't find out about this until v recently and wonder whether other people may not know either - children can access the internet on playstations, wiis and some ipods too. I thought I was taking adequate steps to monitor my boys' internet access by keeping the family PC in the living room and having the laptop password protected so they can't use it without my knowledge, but I had no idea DS1 was then going upstairs to his room and accessing the internet - including porn - at night. He's now 17, so it's not such a concern, but finding this out has allowed me to make some changes and be more vigilant with DS2, who's only 12.

agent if helpful we share this website with our parents www.bullying.co.uk

My Ds saw this at school. Apparently its a bit slow to begin with, but is very good. Narrated by David Tennant its done as a fairytale then goes into a story about what can happen on the internet. Aimed at 8 -13ish

Sorry can't link but look on

You tube internet safety caught in the web

Sorry

You tube internet safety newsround caught in the web

The bullying thing looks like it's just going to be ongoing, but I hoped a new school meant a fresh start.

It makes me so, so angry, really frustrating.

I've sent a short email to the schools admin email questioning why there's nothing for parents or children if they suspect bullying ( I couldn't help myself) I've kept it short and to the point without mentioning DDs name or year, so hopefully it'll stay a bit anonymous and not make me seem like a needy, demanding parent.

Thanks for that, and the bullying website

Agent, all schools should have a anti-bullying policy (often part of a bigger policy), you should have access to a copy of this or ask for one if not. At our school the form tutor is the first point of contact for most situations - if a parent contacts me, then I will either deal with it myself (if minor), or ask for advice or pass on as appropriate - either way a record of what has happened/actions/sanctions etc... is kept. Contacting the form tutor and/or head of year is probably a good place to start - keep a log of all incidents (dates,times, place, quotes, who was involved etc...) as well is always our advice at the beginning otherwise it is difficult to see the scale of the issues. Having said all that if a parent told me boys in my form had been saying the things you mention above and behaving in that way, I would be escalating it right up and would expect serious repercussions for the perpetrators.