Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

614 replies

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2012 23:04

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight Shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 25/09/2012 20:10

Chase CEOP. It's their job and they'll be able to deal with it. Call them them now if needs be as they're 24/7. You can even contact them via their FB page. DH works in Comp Security and his dept have close contacts with them.

IamtheZombie · 25/09/2012 20:15

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

AZZ, might it also be an idea to email the woman from CEOP again just so she's also fully in the picture.

You are doing so well. Just keep hanging on.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 25/09/2012 20:24

I've got a number for the woman I talked to in ceop earlier, but I've got an extension number for her so the number might be a main one with someone there?

It's what I think they could do though, they'd contact the local police or the internet unit who aren't going to do anything until tomorrow, it's not an emergency or anything, this person's not threatened DD in any way.

If that's the case I may as well leave it up to this detective to get back to me. I'm supposed to be seeing him at 6.30 tomorrow evening so DH can see to the very loud DD2 while I'm talking to him, but I think I'll tell them to come round as soon as so they can get the ball rolling on the phone.

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 25/09/2012 20:25
Shock

I can't believe he has done this.

I have no real advice AZZ but I would want to do something tonight, as CSIJanner and other posters have said.

catstail · 25/09/2012 20:37

get on the phone to internet unit and ceop first thing tomorrow - and dont get off the phone til youve spoken to both of them

CSIJanner · 25/09/2012 20:43

CEOP will have all the pertinent contacts for internet grooming etc for your area, so if you have been fobbed off with green around the ears policeman, they can talk to the real relevant person. Call them. Please. The man has your DD's school, name & photo. Plus if he is a groomer, she probably won't be his only target.

Keep strong - you're doing great!

Badgersnatch · 25/09/2012 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

GrannyRat · 25/09/2012 21:10

Wow! I am aghast at the Officer's incompetence. Why the hell would he consider it appropriate to contact this stranger without properly investigating him first is beyond me. The excuse of not having enough time simply isn't good enough. And leaving him message......warning him the Police are on to him is crazy.

I am Shock So sorry for you Agent best of luck to you and your family.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 25/09/2012 21:16

Sigh

Saw this coming as it was exactly the stupid shit the police in our case pulled.
For fucks sake.
What a spanner.
None of this is your fault btw, and i would make sure when its all over to make a formal complaint to the PCC do not let the police deal with it in house as that will be their first offer, and it goes nowhere.

Its beyond incompetent.

I hope it hasn't screwed things up for CEOP and 'properly trained' police officer.

DoMeDon · 25/09/2012 21:19

Oh Agent that is shocking. I would be stunned to hear he did no checks really - he must have PNC checked him - MUST have, surely?? To call this guy blindly is incompetence. And even if he is 19, it is JUST as bad. Your DD is 11 FFS not 15!!

NormaStanleyFletcher · 25/09/2012 21:21

Keep in touch with crop is the best way to go I think.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 25/09/2012 21:58

Am just Shock Shock Shock at pc plods attitude and actions in phoning.

I do hope CEOP and Internet detective are Shock as well and haul his ass over the coals for such recklessness.

Hope tomorrow goes better for you.

aufaniae · 25/09/2012 22:19

Please, make sure you make a copy of all evidence on her phone / computer before handing it over, just in case.

Is it a smart phone?

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 25/09/2012 22:31

Just PMd you aufainiae Smile

OP posts:
GhouliaYelps · 25/09/2012 22:44

What an absolutely monumental fuck up Sad

Sarraburd · 25/09/2012 22:46

Seriously cannot believe this ineptitude. Hold on in there. Hope CEOPs comes through for you. Sorry that I have nothing particularly constructive I can offer, just sympathy and admiration. Keep going, you're doing brilliantly and your DD is so lucky to have you as her mother.

NorksAreMessy · 25/09/2012 23:01

Almost the exact same incompetence happened with my DD when she reported inappropriate touching from a teacher at school.
School insisted on all sorts of palaver and police involvement. Of course the teacher said 'oh no I didn't ' and so it ended up with a 'he said she said' and my DD needing therapy and Prozac. Police were unsympathetic and did NOT believe her.
The lesson she came away with is that if you are sexually assaulted, you don't tell the police. crap really :( and we are still dealing with it.
Teacher has left the school, but who knows what he is up to now.

Sorry AZZ to hijack your thread, but I hope you get a better result than we did.

NorksAreMessy · 25/09/2012 23:29

Thank you for all the supportive PMs
Thanks

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 25/09/2012 23:40

'Teacher has left the school, but who knows what he is up to now.'

And that's the most frightening bit, you've had to see your DD suffer and the 'person' who did it gets off scott free to start all over again. It must have been so painful for you to have to watch them minimising your DDs experience.

I've read some of the thread about the 15 YO who's in France with her teacher, and the amount of teachers who do this is revolting.

It's almost like they're graduating towards a job they know they can have contact with children - like any other 'bog standard' child abuser.

OP posts:
doingupthehouse · 25/09/2012 23:47

I find it frightening that someone I know for a fact is on bail for multiple charges of rape of and sex with a child is currently living with his children, because his wife believes he is innocent, and therefore he has access, not only to his own children, but everyone else - and the victims family have been threatened with harassment charges if they say anything because "he is innocent" until proven otherwise.

StuntGirl · 26/09/2012 01:02

Agent I am Shock at the attitude from the police. Calling him? And then leaving a bloody message?! Good grief. I hope CEOP are more helpful tomorrow.

sashh · 26/09/2012 04:56

AZZ

Sorry the police are being crap - unfortunately I'm not suprised. Keep talking to CEOP.

Just an aside to everyone on here, something I thought about while reading this thread.

How many people have a wii? You can use it to access the internet, but it (as far as I know) doesn't retain a history.

lizardqueenie · 26/09/2012 06:10

agent I've been reading this thread through the night & I'm so so sorry that this has happened your DD & familySad

A couple of things:

  1. You were so very right in contacting CEOP- they are the specialists & will give you & your DD the time & attention that this deserves.
  2. Please do not feel bad or any other negative feelings about going over this PC's head- his latest action although absolutely shocking shows you were right to trust your initial instincts.
  3. CEOP have trained investigators/ techies/ special trained officers to assist you & your DD & support you so please do not feel unsure about contacting them- this is what they do, this is what they deal with.
  4. They may also be able to advise you or could advise you through nspcc about who to liaise with in your dd's school & give you proper practical advice on keeping your dd safe (on way to school etc), I am sure that you don't want to let her out of your sight but can on the other hand see how return to school might actually be some good normality for her.

Bloody huge hugs to you all

lizardqueenie · 26/09/2012 06:16

Sorry knew there was something else I meant to say. Please don't feel like you are hassling the police or blowing it out of proportion- I know you haven't said that but I'm trying to find the right words. Very sadly what has happened with your dd could be a part of something bigger related to this individual. You just don't know. So, it is important, not only of course for the sake of your dd & your family but also for others that you feel able to question, pass information on, clarify things & call people back of something doesn't seem right or there is something else you feel they need to know because even if it doesn't make a difference to the situation with your dd, it could well do with a other dc. I hope that makes sense

QueenofJacksDreams · 26/09/2012 11:23

Agent Shock I am truly disgusted by the way the police are treating this case, you and your DD. You all deserve far more respect than is being shown to you by this officer. Keep fighting for her as it doesn't sound like they will without you 'getting on at them'.

You're doing amazingly please keep up that strength your DD needs to see that right now, especially that you won't let them get away with this brushing off of what has happened.

Hope CEOP can pull through for you today. Thanks Brew