Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

And tough titty if its going over the polices' head .. i'd trample over one myself if it kept my child and others safe, too.
There is a guy who walks about outside our school who is 'suspect' .. the police can't really do anything, or so they said until they removed him the other day for his own safety.. before he got lynched

No, CEOP's multi-agency. Not going over the officer's head at all - although frankly he sounds totally clueless anyway.

I thought CEOP's videos quite preachy & obvious, but my y7 tutees thought they were spot on last year.

They're good. Well worth contacting for advice,

Ringing 101 would be quicker if he was going to ring tomorrow and someone higher up or whoever said that would be a daft thing to do and stopped him, but there'd be a risk I'd just get more of the same (if calling him would be the wrong thing to do).

CEOP are a part of the Serious and Organised Crime Agency, and are dedicated to the detection and prevention of online child abuse. They are not part of any police force, so calling them is separate from informing your local force and isn't going over the officer's head. As I said, ring the 101 number to check who is investigating your com plant. This will ensure further action if the officer who dealt with you hasn't done anything with the report. In every force my husband knows of response officers do the initial enquiries and others take the investigation from there. Calling the bloke seems to be just a particularly daft initial enquiry. I doubt it will be done tonight, so there's time for common sense to prevail.

The CPU (or similar acronym) is the part of your local police force (they all have them) which deals with child protection work. You wouldn't find their number in the book as they don't take calls directly from the public. That's what response officers do (well or otherwise).

That makes it a bit clearer fluge, thanks.

Don't worry about going over his head, now is not the time for manners and etiquette, now is the time to contact ceop and hopefully save others going through the same or worse. We are brought up not to question authority and to be polite so it goes against our nature to do something like that but I think nearly everyone on here thinks you should xxxxxx

Actually, as stupid as it sounds, they can't actually charge the man with anything. Under the Sexual Offences Act, it's not enough that he groomed your daughter online. It's sickening really. You should still contact CEOP's though, it's very likely that there's other children out there and one of these may not be as brave as your daughter.

This is grim reading, but explains the legalities

It's not so much that I don't want to go over his head because of unquestioningly respecting his authority, it just feels a bit shitty because at the time he was saying it I was nodding away and being OK with him doing that, to then go and 'grass him up' behind his back seems a bit - I'm not sure what really.

Although asking questions about what he said would be different I suppose.

Going to CEOP's is a very reasonable thing to do. In order for your Police to follow this through they would have to continue to talk to this man, pretending to be your DD, then arrange to meet him. He could still escape prosecution if it was an 'innocent' meeting IYKWIM. This man does need investigating though, if there's images on his computer then he can be charged with the offence of having the images, not of grooming though. Does this make sense?

I'd 'grass' first and feel shitty later.

Really, you are probably going to be a defining moment in his career. A police officer i know commented to me not long ago regarding one of his first cases, how so much time has been spent collating evidence and making sure the case was watertight, and because he did 'something' (i don't want to out him but it was minor, silly) yet got picked up on by the defence, and the case was thrown out.
The guy was a bad 'un, repeat offender, you name it.

How frustrating, i said. :( .. Yes, he replied, i cried.. and if i could have smashed every window on the way back from the court i would have.
But i made my mind up that that would never happen again.

Don't let this case or one like it be the 'one mistake' this young police officer makes. I guess what i'm saying is you may feel you are doing him a disservice at the moment, but it may take him along a different path or mindset in the future.
Look at the attitudes of the police and SS in the abuse cases in north yorkshire.. time for a change

I've filled out the CEOP report online, and I'll ring 101 in the morning.

Nackered now - bed

Oh yeah, in the report I questioned about the officer saying it was partly her responsibility, and what the call to internet bloke would achieve, and his advice about her being OK to walk to school even though the person knows her real name, where she lives and has a photo of her.

See what they say.

I hope they are suitably pissed off shocked

Well done Agent, CEOP are lovely, very dedicated and very supportive. They usually get back to you very quickly.

Please be aware that every contact you make with the police is noted and handed over to the defence barrister - if you are complaining - or indeed simply upset - this can and will be used by the defence barrister to undermine the prosecution case. This will include quetioning police procedure. Nothing you say to the police or do is confidential.

I have recently discovered this to our cost.

livid based on the advice we were given - I would say - yes this thread needs to go.

As this is all anonymous and no information on local has been used I don't see how the case could be affected?

We were told no forums, no Facebook, no electronic private chats,, no texts about the matter to each, nothing that could potentially be traceable back to us. The most private method of communication electronically apparently is Skype.

It makes you feel isolated and even more alone, but when you are talking about something this serious who wants to act against police advice?

You need to inform the Police. His pic and the words he uses are irrelevant - sex offenders are practised at sounding like a teenager. A teenage dating site sounds like ripe pickings for a sex offender.

If he does turn about to be a genuine young person then no harm done. If he doesn't - you've protected your daughter and probably countless others. Simple.

Yes I would say this thread could prejudice a case.

Unfortunately the way the policeman was talking there doesn't sound like there is actually going to be a case, is there? As he reckons no crime committed

But yes, probably a good idea to get this pulled if they do seem to be taking it seriously.

LikeSilver if you read the thread you'll see she has informed the police already, and so far anyway they seem to being spectacularly useless

Someone from a bigger town nearby rang back from my 101 call. He was trying to get me off the phone in a very obvious way (but I hung on in there).

He said the officer I talked to last night was experienced and knew what he was doing, there were comments on the log in front of him which he couldn't discuss with me and he'd get the officer to ring me back when he came on duty today.

He was talking as though the officer was going to ring this bloke as well, depending on what the persons details threw up, but he couldn't tell me what they'd have to see/not see to make that decision. I asked whether even if he was 19 would that still be OK him texting like that with my DD and wouldn't it be him grooming her if that were the case, which he couldn't answer, but he did say if he turned out to be a 30 YO they wouldn't be ringing him. (so 19 YO OK to talk to a 13 YO like that, but not a 30 YO)

Even if it's a 12 YO, surely his parents need telling?

The thread is a bit of a catch 22, and if I don't question the officer then there's no chance of anything other than a telling off on the phone, and without the thread I'm not sure I would have gone back to him.

But nothing's happened as yet, so not something I need to think about right now.

You need to back off and let them do their job. I know from personal experience that you wanted everything sorted by yesterday - so please don't take it the wrong way.

They are absolutely inundated - and I know this is massively important to you - the Only thing that mattered to me was what had happened to my family.

The person at 101 is a call handler with no legal knowledge. Honestly you could harm the case (if there is one). I wish someone had told me what I am telling you - rather than find out when the defenc barrister accused me of harressing police and trying to influence the officer - to that officer when he was on the stand.

Until you have been a party to a trial of this nature, you really have no idea how much scrutiny you as parents will come under (and that's when your not a witness).

These things are a long, drawn out and painfully slow process - nothing happen with speed.

Do you know something, AgentZZ, you may not get anywhere with the police on this, the fecker may not even get a warning, and I'm really, really sorry your daughter has got caught up in something so horrible.

But if there is one bit of good news that has come from this, you have made many of us even more aware of how quickly bad things can happen.

This thread should be compulsory reading for all parents of ten year olds and up. It's shocking.

So thanks for that (even though it's awful that you are having to deal with it).