Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

Agent I could bore you at length about my many dealings with the police - work and personal- including the several occasions I have met totally unprofessional officers. If he was young, new to job, he may not know what he is doing. I have some dear friends who are in the job and even they admit there are some dreadful things happening. Police officers are just people, stands to reason some are not on the ball as they should be.

Oh and my DD was 9, had answered a Skype chat call on her older sisters laptop and got chatting to a man she believed to be her sisters friend. She pretended to be 15 on the chat.

The police, at no point, suggested that she was culpable because she lied about her age.

KillerRack, the thing is, he was talking to an 11 year-old as if she would or should be thinking like someone of around 16 or 18 years of age....

Oh yeah, the other thing he said was that if the bloke kept getting in contact then they'd have a case for harassment or something else, but I can't remember what it was.

But he's not contacted again.

We were told to shut down the profile on the dating website too, (and change her number) but maybe we'll hang off doing anything until we're sure they won't be needed for anything.

From what I'm reading the officer said he might ring the offender? If I have that right Agent - I would call/go to station and ask to speak to someone from the CPU. Say you've thought on what the officer said and it raised questions for you. Putting it that way, it is not a complaint and if he hasn't fucked up/tried to shirk, you are just a mother with questions.

I can remember being much younger than that ,12/13/14 going on chatrooms and it was made very clear 'lying about your age is an offense' it wasn't that long ago but it may have changed.

I didn't get that impression from what she posted Surburb but agree to disagree, I think people are misunderstanding what I mean so I'll leave it there before it gets turned ugly the some previous replies.
did they actually say no offense had been committed though? That's a bit

He did say no offence had been committed, just crude language in the messages.

Did he send any pictures? I know he spoke about sexual things but images is a different thing.

I think the officer should have been clear why he felt no offence was committed. If it was that he had only text so far - he seems to be missing the point. It is an offence to meet a child after grooming them with the intention of having sexual contact. I thought they would at least try to get this man to come to a meet and then arrest him.

'I've just spoken to my husband about this thread - he is an experienced police officer about this thread - he's horrified - you need to make a complaint NOW immediately by phone because otherwise this crap officer is going to tip off the offender. Ask to speak to the duty sergeant.'

This from fuckwittery is a very powerful post, I think.

AgentZigzag I think your trust in the police is misplaced. There are some good ones and some crap ones.

Grooming a child is an offence AFAIK (surely it is?!)

The things he's suggested (shutting down the account, phoning the guy) are ridiculous, it shows he's not taking it seriously.

What's he going to do, give him a stern talking to over the phone?

It's absolutely obvious that he's out of his depth here, he doesn't understand the issues. I agree you should contact someone senior and talk to them about the concerns about how he handled it and specifically his suggested course of action - before he does any further damage.

He only sent one picture which wasn't in any way sinister.

Could the ringing him/not seeing it as an offence be because of the stage it had got to? That if explicit photos had been sent by either of them or he'd asked to meet up then it would have been different.

I don't think the response is good enough Azz to be honest.

But I do agree with you that the 'partly responsible' bit was probably a ham fisted way of telling your DD that she's not entirely blameless in the whole scenario.

However, he could have put it a much better way and told her that she should shoulder part of the blame for joining a dating site in the first place and lying to her parents.

I think that would have been a more direct and clearer thing to say...rather than letting her believe she's responsible in any way for a 19yr old man being sexually explicit with a child.

He is handling it very badly. From what i understand they can only act on things that have happened.
He could potentially screw up a possible court case by contacting the offender in the manner he has suggested.
Definately contact the police and ask for a child protection unit officer, they usually work 9-5 hours so if you contact now, make your concerns clear and that you want this officer not to contact the guy until CPU officer has been in contact.

please do consider what fuckwittery's dh said.

I know you are being bombarded with opinions and information at a time when you are overwhelmed but please do think about contact CEOP and taking this further.

Have you reported this to CEOP? They may be better placed to tell you what the legal position is and what police should be doing. I can't believe that no offence has yet been committed. The police officer you saw can't know that yet, when nobody knows who this person is who has been contacting your DD. Keep a tight hold of all evidence and go above this idiot's head.

Agree with ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm, you should be speaking to a Child Protection Officer.

In your shoes I would call them first thing. Be honest about the concerns about the original officer.

It could be a legitimate question to ask them what would they have to see in the blokes details in order to make the decision to ring/not ring him. What would it be about the man which would make it OK for them to ring, like his age or convictions/cautions (which don't say anything really). The officer was talking like he had a 'profile' in his mind, ie he was going on the information the bloke gave about himself as 19, and if he was this he would ring him.

And something mentioned earlier, what exactly would be the object of ringing him? To tell him off over the phone?

Its a joke TBH.

Please speak to someone else.

Please please please contact ceop, they are the experts. Even if your family don't have a case to go to court, I think the chances that he is doing the same thing with other girls is nearly 100% and goodness knows either how far he has gone or how far it will go in the future. No normal 19 year old (if he really is 19, I doubt it but even at 19 you know better) he shouldn't be talking to a 13 year old like that let alone when she admitted she was 11. Not all girls have parents they can tell (even if it was by leaving a phone where you could see it), we have no idea what he might be doing to others. Trusting the police is fine but you need to contact ceop too, if the police are doing their job properly then no harm one, if they aren't then contact ceop could help protect or save other children

Is there a statistic about how many children are abused until a peadaphile is found out, let alone cautioned or charged, the number was so high it was utterly shocking. We have some great police officers in this country but we also live in a country where the conviction rate for reported rapes is under 5%, no that isn't a typo.

My DH is also a policeman, and he isn't happy with the service you've had so far. By all means contact CEOP, but as far as your local force is concerned you should wait a day or so, then ring the non emergency number, quote the incident number for your report (if you haven't got this you'll be able to get it by ringing the non emergency number and getting the operator to find your initial call) and ask who has been allocated to investigate it. Response officers deal with all calls from the public, and typically don't investigate crime. They record the allegations and someone else decides what happens to them. Hopefully, in this case the child protection unit will see the report of your complaint and do something with it. However, if the officer you dealt with was very incompetent or lazy he may not have put the necessary details on the system, hence the need to check up in a couple of days. In the meantime, keep hold of and do not use the computer and phone in case they are needed as evidence.

I remember at about fifteen or sixteen thinking that the new year sevens who were coming up to secondary school were "cute" because they were so tiny, there's a massive difference between a 19 year old and a 13 year old. No normal 19 year old would be the slightest bit interested in a 13 year old, let alone get to the point where they were thinking "I'm not going to go there - she's too young" - because they wouldn't even see them that way in the first place IYSWIM? When you're 19 anyone below about 15-17 (depending on how they act) is a child, not a peer.

Also, phoning the man in a totally unplanned and unofficial way is insane. Hopefully he told a supervisor that he was going to do that and they told him not to. Quite loudly.

Is telling CEOP going over this officers head?

Is it OK to ring them to ask their advice, or should I be asking, like you said Fluge, the 101 number people tomorrow and say I'm not sure about a couple of things could I talk to someone about it?

It sounded like he was going to ring the bloke tonight/tomorrow, doesn't that mean he'll be the one making the decision and not the child protection team?

Are the CPU different to CEOP? I've looked and can't see any numbers for a CPU for this police area, are they just a local unit or something?

Child protection work alongside the SS but can also investigate sexual abuse/paedophiles ect, they are a unit within the police, most stations have allocated specially trained officers, mind you with all these cuts going on i'd be surprised if they still exist. They won't be listed as a seperate entity, you'll have to speak to the switchboard and ask to be put through.