Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

actually, if you think there is any chance of a prosectution, you should probably get this thread deleted, we were advised to post nothing, anywhere, just in case, there are already 30 FB recommends on it.

Again in his defence I wouldn't expect for a minute that how he was/what he said when he was here, to betray his actual thoughts.

I see officers as being very controlled in their behaviour when they're 'on the job', they're actors. I presume he played the softly softly approach and used an appropriate approach and language in front of DD.

I want to judge him on what he does, rather than the way he's behaved. I'm not sure whether I'm being naive thinking that I trust them, maybe I am, but if the outcome is not what we feel comfortable with, that would be the time to take them to task.

Going into them to complain now would be me saying I know better than them how to do their job before they've even done it, and as good as the advice and support is on here, I'm not sure I do.

Could him saying about her being partly responsible be about preventing it happen in the future? Telling her not to get herself into another situation like it?

Does anyone know what kind of routine tools they'd have to investigate the internet blokes details? Presumably they'd have access to information we can't get which would be used to just have a poke about in someones online identity.

Athendorf, as I was getting our dog in so she didn't savage the police bloke on his way out, he said to DH that he'd be surprised how many cases they get of this, and he'd be just as concerned if it were his daughter, if it were up to him he'd ban mobiles/internet mobiles for children.

Definitely get CEOP involved - this cannot be allowed to drop.

What sort of information should I be getting from him when he rings back to satisfy myself that they're doing what they should be doing, do you think?

Would the place we're in make a difference? And somewhere else would train their officers differently or have different procedures in place to deal with stuff like this?

And you're all much more than just words on a screen

Agent I think it is sensible to at least wait for him to call you back. He may well have been using a particular approach in front of your DD. if course it is not her fault, and I do agree he shouldn't have said that, but once he rings you back you will be able to ask questions a find out what will happen next.

If at that point you feel that it isn't being taken seriously enough then definitely report it to CEOP and explain your concerns. They will contact you and will be very supportive - that is the experience any parents at our school have had when they have needed to contact them.

you need to know if he has handed it to the Child Protection Unit, this isnt something that would/should be handled by a "bobby".

They can use the PND to look at the number, see if it has been linked to anything similar before (I think) - but it depends how far they plan to go, and that will depend on whether they believe an offence has been committed.

Legislation surrounding tracing online identity is pretty complex and tightly governed, the officer that responded to you won't be the one that makes the decision on what happens next. He'll need to persuade his superiors there's a threat to life or a risk of significant harm to trip the relevant legislation and I'm guessing he knows that's no easy thing hence is v measured response in terms of what happens next. Even the police/CEOP can't simply dig about in our information without very good cause and that being open to legal challenge.

I think you're right to trust he'll follow it up for the time being but keep CEOP in mind if you don't get anywhere.

Wait for him to call you back,and ask him to clarify what he said when he was at your house, then ask him WHY he's taking that particular action.
It does sound like he as underplaying things in front of your daughter, but (as a police worker) I think I can pretty much assure you that his report will go before a sgt before it gets written off, and this normally flags up Amy gaps in the action take by the cop, if that makes sense. The don't work totally unilaterally.

I've just read through this with my DD asleep on my lap. She's only 3yo at the moment but it's made me think through what we'll be doing in the no-too-distant future. Technology is great but it has its downside as well.

I also thought that when the policeman said about it being partly her responsibility it was less about blame and more about making her aware/responsible for her actions in the future.

AZZ it sounds like you've done a great job with your DD and that she's got a good head on her shoulders. Even as adults we can all get into situations, but she's getting herself out of it with your help.

I want to place my trust in him to see how it pans out, but I'd never trust the system 100%, only a fool would do that.

He said she was partly responsible for what had happened because she'd lied to him about her age to begin with, and then carried on texting.

I'm appalled by this actually, his response, putting the onus on her.

She's 11 FFS!

That kind of attitude must be so disheartening OP, never mind making your daughter feel like SHE's the guilty one!! My heart breaks for you both with police attitudes like that.... (Having been similarly appalled at their attitude to my own personal abuse situations years ago, I thought they'd've learnt by now ).

I think you're handling it brilliantly by the way.

Just read this whole thread and I am also and at the response of the police. Appalled in fact. Please speak to CEOP as others have recommended.

I think some posters needs to calm down a little bit,

I very much the police were saying 'this is all your fault'.

I distinctly remember when I signed up to chatrooms as a teen it did say something about lie-ing about your age is an offense? so maybe its in that context and plus As much as you are her mother and want to protect her etc, Lying about her age to get involved in saucy texting does mean she was complicit in some way this is not blaming her for the grooming but being honest?.

AZZ, I know it must be hard to have people telling you to kick up a fuss when you have such a battle on your hands and I can understand that you might want to tell us all to fuck off for pressuring you to take things further with the police but I agree with others that this officer's attitude was rubbish.

We're just nagging because we care.

I wonder if the partly responsible bit was because he thought there wasn't an offence committed?

If the man had stepped over the line into RL sexual assault it would of course be totally inappropriate to blame the victim.

DD knows she was wrong to set up the dating profile, she was also wrong to carry on texting him, she could have just stamped on the phone and it would have stopped. Saying she was wrong is the same as saying she had some part in what happened and she should know to not do that in the future. But sexual assault is a different kettle of fish altogether, and the same would never apply in that case.

Of course it might depend on the internet blokes details, another 12 YO lad also lying about his details would be the best outcome. But anything other than that would start my alarm scale rising again.

Because of course an 11 year old completely understands legal culpability Killer Your post is EXACTLY the problem.

Agent's DD is a the victim in this. She did make mistakes, but the kind of guilt associated with terms like being 'complicit' is exactly what predators use to manipulate DC.

What Fuckwit said - he is trying to ditch this or is not well trained. And believe me there are some very inept officers out there. As in EVERY walk of life.

I'd rather hear it Badger, posters are saying what they make of it as I am. I value the advice a lot.

Can I just ask if the police have taken the phone and the computer?

When this happened to DD the CEOPs team were here within an hour of the police visit. They took away the laptop to maintain all the evidence (and kept it for 10 months!)

DD was interviewed on video by trained officers in a special suite they use for children.

If you have not been contacted by CEOPS by tomorrow then I'm afraid I think that this is not being handled properly- certainly it is very different to our experience.

The officer was relatively young, probably late twenties at a guess.

He thought no offence was committed because.........??? Am really not clear on that. If he is 19, as stated, he was sexually explicit to a child. That is child abuse. If the officer is unsure about that he is inept.

We've still got the phone.

Just to think about it, what would we be complaining about if we rang now?

My post is not the problem I'm simply stating the policeman was probably thinking 'you lied about you age and continued to text him' rather than victim blaming.

I don't think its the same thing, flame away but I don't.