Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

OMG I cannot BELIEVE that response from the police, what a mediaeval wanker

Like an 11 year old is responsible or being groomed by an adult

I'd take that further.

That's shocking! I'd call the station back and ask to speak to his boss.

"He said she was partly responsible for what had happened because she'd lied to him about her age to begin with"

WTAF?! Even given that, the age she pretended to be was way below the age of consent and still a criminal offence for a supposed 19 year old!

I started a thread on this sometime ago in teens I think. My DD's phone has been taken by CID for investigation. I found out she was doing similar things at the OP's daughter. She was getting vile messages from lots of 'boys' and they wasted no time in telling them what they'd like to do to her, or have her do to them. The's only 12, but had put her age as 14.

The most worrying one was a 'boy' who said he was 14, and he was squeaky clean, I mean just not normal for a boy of 14. He had her trust completely, and on one day alone I found over 60 messages that had gone backwards and forwards. We told her we believed she was being groomed, and it looks like he may have spent up to 9 months grooming her before he would have got round to anything untoward.

The most worrying thing is that she still thinks that we are OTT and that he is genuine. We just want to ruin her life.

Most of my friends don't appear to monitor their daughter's (or in fact their son's) mobile or computer activity, and indeed to know their passwords would appear to be an infringement of their human rights.

I can't believe that attitude, if I can't monitor their activity then they don't get mobile or internet use.

Like the OP, I didn't find out about the innappropriate usage until 3 weeks after it started, and it was only because she had left something open - I am not very savvy.

Please everyone, check your daughter's mobiles - no password for mum, no mobile.

That's an appalling response from that officer. I would contact your local force again, repeat to them the advice that you were given, and ask if they agree that this is an acceptable response. If they state that they do then (if I were you - though I realise you have enough to think about at the moment) - make an official complaint, the procedure for which will be outlined on your county force's website.

That's not good enough. Your daughter is a child. This man is aware of her age now even if he wasn't to begin with. He sent these 'crude' messages whilst in possession of the fact of her true age. He is a sex offender and should be treated as such.

Please don't allow this to be the final word from the police. It is simply, absolutely not good enough and I say that as someone who was proud to work for them for a number of years. That is unacceptable.

Awful response from the police She is an 11 year old child, he is a 19 year old adult. To put blame on her and be so wishy washy in response is shocking :( PLease take it further, ring CEOP, ask to speak to someone else, anything.

If he's got previous convictions/cautions for stuff like this, the police will have to come back and take some more details.

Sorry just seen this. Is this the advice that you were given by the officer? Because it's bollocks. For two reasons.

1. The police would not base a decision as to whether to investigate further on whether or not the 'offender' has been cautioned or convicted for similar offences before. By that reasoning, nothing would ever be fully investigated, and no one would ever be convicted. What is he suggesting, that if he's a 30 year old bloke with no previous then he's just going to shake his head ruefully and tell him not to do it again? That's ridiculous.

1. An investigating officer should not disclose to you or your daughter whether or not the person they are investigating has a criminal record at all, let alone for similar offences. This would be a breach of the Data Protection Act.

Oh AZZ this seriously isn't right.

I am not going to alarm you and tell you what happened to my dd and her mate. But IGNORE the shitty advice from the police, I was treated the same as was her mates parents, even blaming teenage hormones.
So fucking what if she lied about her age, ffs, all she did was add on 2 years and that still makes her underage.
Exposing a child (under 16) to sex is a criminal offense. Talking about wanking etc is not just crude but it is crime because of her age, and comes under child protection.
Contact CEOP who will take this seriously. Do contact the police again and ask for someone who specifically deals with child protection, not just some random officer. If that person was from there, lodge a complaint about his attitude of blaming the victim. Her only 'crime' was to lie about her age. DO let the school know what is going on, they should keep an eye out because you don't know what info he has got from her.

The response from the police isn't great however you've spoken about giving her her phone and feeling able to trust her to use it responsibly. Given this, she does need to understand and accept responsibility for her part in how she used the phone, it doesn't excuse what happened next but if she doesn't understand that giving information that makes her older can put her at increased risk, she possibly isn't ready to manage the complexities of unmonitored Internet access.

While 13 is way under the age of consent, it does put her out of the age bracket where sexual contact would automatically be an offence so those 2 years make a difference. If she had given her actual age I'm guessing the police would feel differently about whether an offence had occurred as sexual chat with an 11 year old is very different legally to sexual chat with a 13 year old.

Very surprising response from the police; I thought they would take this a lot more seriously.

AZZ I echo others. I am aware of a case somewhere in this country, without going into details where the older male was caught doing exactly as this person has been doing to your DD. He was charged, and convicted with a grooming offence, I won't tell you the exact charge, and received a custodial sentence. that male was in fact 'grooming' an undercover police officer and from there he was linked with other actual young girls.

So, do not for one minute think this ends here. It does not. He clearly has no clue and is not trained proficiently in this area. He should not have been sent to interview you and your DD, it should have immediately been passed to an appropriately trained police officer.

Talk to CEOP as mentioned, and also talk to the social worker if they do send one around, talk about your fears of your DD being manipulated by an older male. While it is never ideal to have them involved, they will be now, albeit potentially not for long once they see you are a responsible mother, but use them to your advantage. Honestly not all social workers are Evil "i want to take your children away' Monsters, most of them are very knowledgable about safeguarding issues, and a child protection officer should have had quite extensive training in Internet Abuse, certainly the officer assigned to your case should have.

Hmm, think we'll have to think on this one.

In the officers defence, he seemed to be going on the best case scenario (so's not to over frighten DD?) but was implying there could be more to it. I got the impression he was going to check the man from the net out and then decide to ring. I think he said to investigate the phone would take thousands, so the people who decide whether the phone would be looked at would probably just advise to ring the number.

If he found it was an older person or had been done for it before, they'd take it further and not just ring.

And he was 'just' a response officer, not from any other unit.

BTW CEOP would certainly be work talking to, they're a multi-disciplinary team consisting of police and social work so will look at both the criminal offence and the potential for harm. They also are specialists in dealing with grooming behaviours etc and may have some intelligence about the teen dating site not known to the local force. I have a fair amount of contact with them in my job role and they're very good.

i should have written there that you are responsible parents, not you are a responsible mother, as clearly you have outlined that both you and her father are involved in her upbringing and how you are managing now, I forget sometimes as we talk in the 'i' so often on MN.

Decide to ring? Omfg his is for real
Officer : Hi is this user 87 from datesrus?
User 87 : Erm maybe
Officer : Well just been to a hysterical mums house saying you are texting her underage daughter sexual contact. Is this true? Have you done this before.
User 87 : Erm you having a laugh right. Of course not.
Office : Oh well that's ok then. Bye.

If they know what they are doing, they will never make a call to a possible suspect and basically tip him off.

My flabber is ghasted!

I would seriously consider making a complaint TBH.

He said she was partly responsible for what had happened because she'd lied to him about her age to begin with, and then carried on texting

She is responsible for being groomed?

That is just so fucked up!

I fully support the police, I am not a police basher but that is not good enough.

So much wrong with that im just

I am appalled by the police response.

I would ring the station and demand to speak to someone senior. And ring CEOPS like others had said.

How dare he try to blame your DD in anyway and how dare he minimise this.

Ring them AZZ it is so far from acceptable it's not true. I have rage on your behalf.

I am FUcKING FURIOUS for you all zig
Really unbelievable

It's so nice of you trying to see the best in his actions, but honestly, please complain AND report to CEOPs.

Even if she did say she was 13, everyone - especially these perverts online - knows girls are upping their ages. If he is a predator, he's looking for someone saying they are 13 safe in the knowledge they are probably 10/11. We covered this in basic online cp training we did as youth work staff ffs!

If, god forbid, she had been lured to meet him and raped, would that fuckwit be round saying she was partly responsible for that too???

I have to go calm down, I'll be back later.

I would possibly go down to the station AZZ and demand to see someone who knows his arse from his elbow. I would make a complaint as well.

I appreciate you may not feel up to this with all you have gone through but seriously , the repsonse is atrocious

Please contact CEOPS. Clearly your local force are really not up to speed on child exploitation - CEOPS are the experts here and if local bobbies are not up to speed, they are the people to turn to.

Very sadly there have been several cases recently that show some local forces have been what you could charitably call slow to investigate even worse sexual crimes against children. Not all coppers are the same or have the same training.

I'm shocked by the response but someway not that surprised, police doesn't seem to have the resources to investigate every claim. I do hope though, that they can manage to do something so the guy now he is in 'the record' and will get in trouble if approaching her again.

clearly your police officer was under-trained. go higher up. contact ceops (because everyone recommends them). i'd also contact the nspcc for advice - they might take an interest. and your daughter's school, if you haven't already.

really, people do not take these things lightly. keep going till you find the right person or people. your mp, if all else fails.

Your Policeman sounds young, inexperienced and un trained. Go and talk to someone more experienced in the Police dept. He didn't have a bloody clue, he's going to warn this guy so he gets a chance to clear or destroy his computer and feign innocence.
I'm sick he was trying to get her to take some of the blame for a potential grooming. Does he also tell abused women not to rile up their husbands so they won't get hit?

Dont know what happened to my post, the officer has stated he is going to notify others, contact him and ask to speak to an officer from the local CPU, they will be more experienced, he should have contacted them already.

DO NOT COMPLAIN, do not sound as if you are complaining, this can and will be held against you but the defence team if this ever hits courts, take it from someone who has been at the coalface.