Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

What sort of idiot sets up a dating site for teenagers though? It's just an invite for 'them', isn't it?

Her friend is very good friend.

She's so on the ball with some things, and so totally off the chart with others.

I was reassured she had some common sense, but knew it could randomly disappear when you're least expecting it.

Have I given her too much too early? Been too over protective so she hasn't been able to fathom out how to deal with smaller things before getting more independence? If it's all different for different children, how can you possibly measure that?

Her friend is lovely, just like DD and wanting to mess about, but kind and thoughtful.

You just have to go ŵith your instincts.
You are questioning yourself, but she came to you and many wouldn't.

You are getting it pretty rights, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Every child is different. I'm still taking my 13 year old ds to school! It's so easy to get carried away when they are on the web, how many of us on here have divulged more information about ourselves that we're comfortable with? If you did a search on me you'd find out a lot. She's still a child, still working out how the world works and this has been a huge wake up lesson for her as well as for you. Don't blame yourself, blame the man who's put her in this position in the first place.

Hank you SO much for posting and sharing this with us.

My dd1 is 12.5 and only got a phone 5 weeks ago for going to secondary (she gets 2 buses across Glasgow to get there).

But I've just chatted to dh and we are going to check her phone and email tomorrow and have a chat - though she's done nothing suspect, we need to check!

Hoping all goes well for you all xx

I know Sybil, that's what I said earlier! Utterly stupid idea unless it was set up by someone dodgy themselves (in which case urgh, EURGH!)

"My dad set it up for her, and I didn't think or know the hotmail.co.uk thing was any different to any other email account you can set up in yahoo etc."

I´ve got email with hotmail & have never had anything other than emails from friends!

No requests from people I don´t know, no unsolicited adverts/links.

Yeah, nothing intrinsically wrong with hotmail, mine's a spam trap now, but all email addresses get like that after a few years don't they?

Don´t think I get much tbh.

But anything not in my contacts doesn´t go to my inbox & gets deleted anyway.

When i was 12 i had a 'relationship' with a man with kids older than me...

She's just a baby who needs protecting

I think DC have way too much access to things they are just not emotionally mature enough for. Having a phone is a big responsibility and sooo tempting to do things you shouldn't at that age. My parents worked A LOT and I used to use the home phone constantly, I shudder to think what I would've been up to with a mobile, let alone the net.

Mobiles do give a sense of security but a totally false one IMO. I think they do more harm than good. They open DC up to so much when they need a gentle introduction to the world.

I think you're doing great Agent - really. My heart goes out to you all.

My hotmail is the same. I never ever get junk mail on there. I have a yahoo account too and I get about 50 junk emails a day on there. I'd much rather use hotmail.

AZZ i totally applaud the way you're handling this. I also want to thank you for posting about this because it has really highlighted just how hard it is to police the way our children use the net and how insidious people can be when they want to contact our kids in this way.

I hope you don't mind but have posted on the Mumsnet Acadmey page asking if, in response to this situation (and also the many others listed here), perhaps they can provide a course that will help keep concerned parents ahead of the game regarding the technology out there that can help us keep our children safe online.

Claire there's some great information if you scroll back to the post by MrsHerculePoirot Sun 23-Sep-12 13:31:31

Read this in horror, AZZ. Eldest DS has just loaded open DNS on to our router to keep his ten year old sister safe (usual 'been meaning to do it for ages but not sure how' from me ) - he tells me that it will work on everything that accesses the internet via the home wireless system, and that it constantly updates. Not sure that's relevant to anyone else but thought I'd share. AZZ its been a wake up call for me too - hope the police help today.

Cider the Microsoft software is Microsoft Family Safety

We've found it fairly comprehensive so far. hth

I think it's important to have constant conversations with your children about safety on the internet, rather than relying on technological parental controls which your children will probably know how to work/get around far better than you. There are some mechanical controls that you can do....1) Do not let dc's have access to the internet in private (ie no surfing in the bedroom and no data on the mobile). 2) Log in regularly to your dc's Facebook page and make this a prerequisite to them being allowed to have a Facebook page. 3) Get a copy of all your dc's email sent to you (this is quite easy to set up on gmail....I don't know about the other providers) and 4) Talk with them a lot about what they are doing on the internet and who they are talking to.

You don't need to buy anything to get deleted texts. Police should take the phone and sim to forensics. They have some fab software that gets texts and messages that have been deleted. Same with stuff from various sites.

Let the school know about what is happening. When it happened to one of my dc's I let them know, and they kept an eye out.

The police have been round and read the messages, he didn't think any criminal offence had been committed, they were just crude, but he's going to check out the man's details (and 'make sure he's not a master criminal') and then ring him and get back to us.

He's got to make a juvenile report to pass on to SS and another organisation to do with family protection? Apparently they have to do this for contact with every child under 16, and either of them might get back to us.

He gave her a good talking to which she looked suitably sheepish about.

But she told him she'd sent him this other photo of herself which I took last week! and then tried to argue with me in front of him that she'd told me about it - which she definitely hadn't!

He said she was partly responsible for what had happened because she'd lied to him about her age to begin with, and then carried on texting. Which although you could argue she was being manipulated by an older person, given her age she 'should' have known better. She does know better. (but if this was in a different situation, like contact in RL with someone who we'd introduced her to, and they'd talked to her like that, would I blame her? Some victims of abuse (not saying she's been abused) do carry on going back to their abuser, that doesn't mean they're responsible for their abuse does it?)

He said there was no reason to escort her to school, but then said if the bloke approaches her to ring 999 and find a trustworthy adult So I'm going to see her there until we can make a more informed decision about the risk when he's been checked out by the police. If he's a young lad then I think we'll have to put it down to experience and try to work out what to do from there. If he's got previous convictions/cautions for stuff like this, the police will have to come back and take some more details.

He went to another call after here, so depending on how long that takes he might be able to get back to us tonight, if not he'll do it tomorrow.

Perhaps contact the CEOP group too, they might be able to give some more constructive advice.

I think the police response is appalling to be honest. I would ring and ask for someone else to come round. My in laws lent 3k to some people who kept sending begging letters for more, we rang the police, officially there was naff all they could do, but they were amazing and put the frighteners on the people involved.