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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

614 replies

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2012 23:04

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight Shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 22:09

She had the 13th/14th off with a chest infection because of her asthma. It's much more strict there than at primary, I had to ring in each day and tell the welfare officer why she was off and then send a note in when she went back.

I know they'd understand if I told them what had happened, but I don't want to single her out or make 'us' seem needy and demanding. It's so important to me for her to fit in comfortably, not so much that I'm prepared to risk her in any way, but I have to consider how it might affect her.

OP posts:
thatisall · 23/09/2012 22:11

I'd call the police whatever his age. You can speak to non emergency police any time.

Id do it because even if it is another child, he might need someone to talk to. Maybe your dd isn't the only child at risk here?

Fucking hell, technology is scary right? They aren't safe anywhere?! Dont beat yourself up, you found out, just remember that, YOU FOUND OUT. Everything will be ok. x

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 23/09/2012 22:12

AgentZZ, I also wondered about keeping your daughter off for at least a day or two. I appreciate that she's been off recently, but the poor kid is probably all over the place at the moment. Is she, though? How is your daughter? Has she said anything?

I have been thinking of you and yours so much today.

thatisall · 23/09/2012 22:15

Sorry op my screen was only showing first few posts, don't know why. I hope you're ok. x

OhYouBadBadKitten · 23/09/2012 22:18

I think that if she seems ok then I'd send her in tomorrow, I think it's important that she has some normality in her life while this is being sorted out.

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 23/09/2012 22:29

You just need to get through the next few days. If you want to keep her at home with you, just do it. If not, that's fine too. You just need to give yourselves a bit of time to sort everything out. Don't put too much pressure on to 'keep calm and carry on'

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 22:35

Before she went to bed we asked her about whether she was going to try and get in contact with him, and she was adamant she wasn't.

She said the messages had changed over the past three days, with him constantly saying he was wanking while he was texting her. She told him to stop doing it/saying it, but he carried on. She didn't like this at all (even though she carried on contact) and had left her phone on the side with the messages up hoping I'd have a nosey because she couldn't find the words to say it out loud.

The police might ask things from a perspective I haven't thought of.

I've looked at SIM recovery software which would get the texts she's deleted back, but you have to either buy a SIM reader (at only £10) or buy the software you can download now (at £40 odd quid, which we haven't got). You can get free apps which backup your texts so you can recover them, but these are no use retrospectively.

Although I want to know what was said, I'm a bit glad it's not possible, they sound much more explicit than the one's on her phone. I'd have trouble keeping in the rage.

OP posts:
edam · 23/09/2012 22:44

Oh, that's really touching that she left it on the side hoping you'd see the messages because she didn't know how to say it in words. Bless her.

Empusa · 23/09/2012 22:45

"and had left her phone on the side with the messages up hoping I'd have a nosey"

That's fantastic that she feels able to go to you, even if not directly.

LadySybildeChocolate · 23/09/2012 22:47

The Police will do that if they need to, Agent. She sounds like a very frightened little girl. She's so brave to ask for help, she must trust you a great deal.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 22:48

I know. Saying it out loud would make it more real and she couldn't pretend everything was OK because she'd know we'd be upset.

She made a childish decision to initiate the contact, and didn't know how to make the adult decision to take control.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/09/2012 22:50

Yes the Police will absolutely do the sim recovery if they feel the need so don't worry about that.

hihohiho · 23/09/2012 22:50

Keep the phone for the police - they should be a le to read everything.

Badgersnatch · 23/09/2012 22:51

AZZ please tell yourself that the police will get him and protect your daughter from him and that this will get better. Stay strong x

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 22:52

We had family round all day and there are always phones kicking about on sides Sad I didn't notice.

In one text she said to him that I was mad at her, fuck knows what for, but it was very sinister seeing her talking about me and the family who were round to this man. She mentions texting under the table to him, and I saw her doing it and thought it odd, but it didn't enter my head she was trying to do anything secretively.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 22:54

I'm prepared for the police not to find or do anything as well and just be glad with what we've averted.

OP posts:
edam · 23/09/2012 22:57

But she made the right decision to tell you, even if she could only manage it in a roundabout fashion. You should be pleased that she knows she can turn to you in a crisis and asks for help when she's out of her depth. You have clearly done a good job. It's not your fault some aspects of the world are so shitty kids get into trouble - trouble that they didn't anticipate.

Sarraburd · 23/09/2012 23:14

So sorry to read this and glad you have gone to the police and worked with your DD on this rather than just read her the riot act when she must've been pretty scared by this point anyway.

Just wanted to reiterate the point a few posters have made about natural curiosity at that age re the sites she's been looking at as I guess it must also be hard for you that her innocence has been prematurely sullied by all this.

I remember reading with rather horrified fascination porn mags I found in my bachelor uncle's flat (aged about 8), also 'classy' porn of my mother's (Anais Ninn, Nancy Friday) and the erotic book of The Arabian Nights (pretty explicit despite archaic language; aged 10); and in class aged about 11 passing round Judy Blume, Lace etc. I don't feel that my own sexuality has suffered/been sullied by any of this perhaps rather premature exploration.

Your DDs curiosity is v normal and natural. The Internet is a new and more hardcore medium for searching out stuff that probably most 11 year olds are at least starting to be interested in.

This evil man has exploited this and I hope he gets what he deserves.

Really admire how you have dealt with this. Will now set up child-friendly controls on my PC (been meaning too for ages and not got round to it - thanks for the wake up call).

cheesesarnie · 23/09/2012 23:20

zigzag Sad you are being amazing.

can only imagine what you're going through.

i have a 12 year old dd and its so sad get so eye opening to read these posts. i like you believe that im keeping my children safe online but it just shows how easy it is.

hope the police help and hope that you can all get through this.

LadySybildeChocolate · 23/09/2012 23:26

Sorry if you've already said, but did DD say how this bloke made contact with her in the first place?

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 23:44

We've been trying to get to the bottom of that LadyC, it was on the dating site but we can't get hold of the initial contact messages. The police have the user name she was using so maybe they can unravel it.

Looking from his point of view the contact could have been legit at first.

OP posts:
LadySybildeChocolate · 23/09/2012 23:47

She shouldn't have been on it, I agree with that, but he should have backed off when she told him that she was 13. Does she have friends at school who are using the site? They could be in just as much danger as she was. Sad

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 23:50

Don't make excuses for him zigzag - the minute he realised she was under age he should have dropped it like a hot potato, even is he is 19 and thought she was 13.

I didn't mean to sound distrusting of her earlier - she's obviously actually got her head screwed on, and a good relationship with you - but she's going to be very very confused at the moment. They like to think they are grown up at that age - but they are really just little girls with hormones.

I think if I was her age and going through this, I'd be grateful for a mum like you.

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 23:50

Good point Sybil re friends. He won't be the only one on a site like that Sad

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 23:52

She reckons she saw an advert for it on the telly.

I think she's only told one friend who was shocked and told her it was wrong. Thankfully not the reaction she might have hoped for.

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