Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

614 replies

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2012 23:04

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight Shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 23/09/2012 20:02

Are you she won't use DHs phone to contact this man and warn him?

I don't want to say anything negative but it did cross my mind

Glad the police are keeping in contact and really hope all goes well for you and DD

cheekybarsteward · 23/09/2012 20:03

Well, you know what? After all is said and done, your dd is one of the lucky ones thanks to your quick response. You may have also 'saved' other children from this 'person'.
[Thanks] from me.

LemonBreeland · 23/09/2012 20:04

Just come across this thread and glad to see you have phoned the police.

Also although you came on here for advice your thread has acted as a stark reminder to many others that we really neex to keep on top of even the most 'sensible' dc.

TheMonster · 23/09/2012 20:07

Please keep us informed, zigzag.

mamij · 23/09/2012 20:11

Didn't want to read and run on this. I'd definitely get the police involved as you don't know the person/man involved, especially with the sexual messages. You don't want to end up with a situation where the man wants to meet your girl.

ratbagcatbag · 23/09/2012 20:17

So glad you've supported your daughter how you have, I was abused and groomed by my uncle from the age of three and the worst thing was my parents not going to the police as they'd look like bad parents when I was 13. I finally went to te police at 23 and he's still on the sex offenders register. Police were amazing and lovely and you can request a female police officer if it helps

cheekybarsteward · 23/09/2012 20:19

You are so brave rat I can only imagine how hard that was for you

GoldShip · 23/09/2012 20:20

You're a bloody good mum :)

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2012 20:30

Are you she won't use DHs phone to contact this man and warn him?

catgirl that crossed my mind too.

I do hope not but she might have some sort of misplaced loyalty towards him if she has feelings for him.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 23/09/2012 20:35

AgentZZ, why does your DD need a phone for school? This is not an accusatory question - really just curious.

EasterEggHuntIsOver · 23/09/2012 20:40

Ditto catgirl and WorraLiberty

I'm also worried the OP's dd may contact this man to warn him. Her feelings must be all over the place at the moment. Thank God she has a great mum to help her through this.

FizzyLaces · 23/09/2012 20:42

OMG that is so scary - could happen to any one of us. My eldest is 15 and I had massive reservations about her having any kind of internet access. Now she is pretty savvy, I think, but not as savvy as the predators out there.

You have handled this well. A cautionary tale for us all.

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 20:44

Zigzag I think you are doing great, but I'd be tempted to take the phone away completely for the moment, did you not say earlier you now think she's been in touch with him before she got the new phone? So he might have the old number.

I don't mean to worry you, but I know she will be very confused at the moment and not processing things like an adult, and might feel the need to try to contact him, he has been a big part of her life for the last wee while as vile as that feels just now. By taking the phone completely for the moment you might save her feeling like she should warn or explain to him?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 23/09/2012 20:49

This is a good video

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2012 20:51

I'm guessing the OP is worried about letting her DD out without a phone now?

But if you walk her to school and pick her up until this is sorted, she won't need one.

If you still think she does, you could always get a PAYG sim with no credit on it. That way you can call her and she can call the Police (if need be) but she absolutely can't call him.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 21:03

Her contacting him crossed my mind too. Because I'm walking behind her I want to be able to call her (like if she's walking too fast, or I'm telling her I'm going when we get there) or her me. She's got 40p on it, so even if she's written his number down somewhere we're going to see. But then it'd be too late then wouldn't it because he'd have been tipped off. Hmm.

Of course she doesn't need the phone, she didn't take one to primary, but I'm loathe to take it away if her having it could sidestep something happening. If that makes sense. It's the cause of this, but the sense of security it gives me, even if it's misplaced, does make me feel a bit of a connection with her if she needs me.

The blokes silence is as creepy as if he'd been texting all day. I wonder if he's waiting to start it up tomorrow morning thinking she's off to school. His last message said he only had 6 minutes left on his phone and if she gave him her name he'd add her to his profile on the dating site, so maybe he's out of credit. No sign on her email or the site either.

I've seen the OPs who say they're sorry they can't reply to every post and know how they feel now. There are so many things I've read on this thread that I want to talk about, the way this can slip into your life even when you're watching is horrifying. You don't want to disadvantage your DC not letting them take part with their peers, but you've got no control over the net. Impossible.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/09/2012 21:12

You see the thing is AZZ (and I really don't want to sound alarmist) all she has to do is text him from a friend's phone and ask him to call the number of the phone you're giving her.

If she's inclined to speak to him, you can guarantee she'll clear the call history/delete any texts.

If it's a contract phone, you'll only get the numbers that have been dialled from the phone, but not the calls received if you see what I mean?

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2012 21:12

I mean you'll only get those numbers on the bill.

catstail · 23/09/2012 21:18

have you let the police know about the sudden lack of contact? It might be important.

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 21:26

It's so tough. You can't sit with her every second they way you could with a toddler. And she's been manipulated so far, so you can't be sure she still won't be.

I get why you want her to have a phone. I don't know if you could contact the phone provider, explain what's happened and ask them to block all calls and texts in and out except to your and DHs phone. I don't know if they would even do that.

The thing is, even with no phone, if she is hell bent on talking to him she could do as worra said but ask him to call back on her friends phone. I'm sure you have impressed on her how important it is she doesn't contact him again, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Are you sure she hasn't warned him alreadym thus the radio silence?

Moominsarescary · 23/09/2012 21:31

The thing is if she wanted to contact him she could do it using a friends phone, she doesn't need to have her own

Moominsarescary · 23/09/2012 21:35

Xpost withRhonda

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 21:36

That's true, she's given me no reason to think she couldn't take the decision to contact him. She said earlier when we were talking about how usual it was for him not to text, that she wanted to text him so he wouldn't be pissed off. My face told her what I thought of that idea.

Even though she's been shit up by it, what you say rhonda, makes sense. Similar to on here when you want other posters to know something so they don't think badly of you, even when you know it doesn't matter. She's had a 'relationship' with this person, to the extent that he's been able to override what we've taught her about coming to us if someone makes her uncomfortable or being OK about breaking the social niceties if she feels something's not right. Unless she's giving us flannel, she didn't want to text him, but carried on regardless.

OP posts:
SuzySheepSmellsNice · 23/09/2012 21:43

Would it be possible to keep her off school for a few days? I'm sure the school would understand, and she could tell her rl friends she has flu or something

EasterEggHuntIsOver · 23/09/2012 21:56

I didn't want to suggest it, but I agree with SuzySheep about maybe keeping her home for a couple of days.