Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

614 replies

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2012 23:04

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight Shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

OP posts:
TheGoldenKnid · 23/09/2012 16:43

How awful for all of you. :( I did wonder if she wanted you to find out.

As others have said, I am so glad you have posted this because it has prompted me to be more vigilant with my 12 YO.

Nagoo · 23/09/2012 16:45

Agent I think you are dealing with this really well. Your DD is able to confide in you, and your balanced and resoned response has been an example in how to cope with this kind of thing.

Your DD has acted well to try to divert him. At 11 it is understandable that she would not know how to deal with this.

The only person to blame here is the man who was contacting your DD.

You have acted in time to prevent her from getting hurt.

pigletmania · 23/09/2012 16:48

Thank you Smile

ShellyBobbs · 23/09/2012 16:55

As others have said, you are dealing with this fantastically and it's a credit to you and your husband that she can talk to you so openly. Good luck.

TheMonster · 23/09/2012 16:57

I wish the police would treat it as a priority.

AmberLeaf · 23/09/2012 16:58

How awful.

Definitely let school know what has been going on.

McHappyPants2012 · 23/09/2012 17:02

What a horrid situation :( a unMN hug ( )

edam · 23/09/2012 17:05

I agree with all the comments about how well you are handling this, btw. I know you were doubting yourself and blaming yourself earlier, but you are clearly a great Mum.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 23/09/2012 17:11

What Edam said. you are handling this well OP and you are a great mother. Im just a bit appalled at the slow response from the police.

CaliforniaLeaving · 23/09/2012 17:18

It just goes to show doesn't it how much this really does go on, so many of us with very similar stories. Gives me a chill wondering how many kids don't tell the parents or get found out and these men get away with it. I feel so bad for those kids, no one to confide in about it embarrassed to tell Mum and Dad and afraid he'll turn up.

UnChartered · 23/09/2012 17:25

just thinking, i would tell school too

DD may tell someone, who tells someone who then takes it upon themselves etc etc and a member of staff might not get the full story, or spend an agonising hour working out how to broach it with you, OP, or worse make decisions on action that you would have no control over

not saying this is what happens in every school, but i'm sure it does Sad

CiderwithBuda · 23/09/2012 17:29

I think it would be a good idea to tell the school too. Most schools teach Internet safety these days I think and they need to know that the message isnt getting through sometimes.

madhairday · 23/09/2012 17:46

What an awful situation for you and your dd. You've handled it so well and obviously are such a lovely mum. Hope your dd is ok, and do hope the police come soon.

I want to thank you for flagging this up too. My dd has just turned 12 and it's so easy to think of them as young children and not realise what may be happening. We've installed the microsoft thing which sends emails to you about what sites they have gone on - very relieved it was only youtube and history homework sites this week, but I can see how very easily something like this can happen. :(

LadySybildeChocolate · 23/09/2012 17:57

I'd take her to school tomorrow, for your peace of mind rather than anything else.

thornrose · 23/09/2012 18:02

UnCharted - you are so right there. My dd made up an outragrous lie to impress her friends and it spread across her year group. To cut a long story short I had to convince school they did NOT need to involve Social Services!

thornrose · 23/09/2012 18:04

outrageous even!

CiderwithBuda · 23/09/2012 18:07

Madhairday - what is that Microsoft thing? Anyone know if it will work on a Mac?

fluffyraggies · 23/09/2012 18:30

agent - just adding my voice to say you're handling it perfectly. I have a 13yo DD too, and i know i'd be feeling the same as you now. None of us ever think it's going to happen to us!

The police will be very understanding and sensitive when they come round, i promise.

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 23/09/2012 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHerculePoirot · 23/09/2012 18:50

gettingeasier. YES!!!!! Boys are groomed as well. Two examples are here: and .

Boys are often 'got at' via gaming websites, or when exploring their sexuality and feelings online. They will be talked into perhaps sending pictures of themselves topless (for example) or doing 'stuff' and then this is used to blackmail them in further activities. As a sweeping generalisation boys are more susceptible to doing something stupid and then being blackmailed into further activity.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 23/09/2012 19:06

Just talked to my DS about this (he is 13)

He has seen Tom's story at school. But this thread has given me the opportunity to re-enforce stuff about internet safety, and that if anything happens that he is not comfortable with he can talk to me.

So zigzag, so sorry what you are going through, but I think you may have really helped other people with your thread.

MyCatHasStaff · 23/09/2012 19:36

Just wanted to add my support really... you are handling this so well, I am sure that at the end of this you and DD will be closer than ever.
My friends DD was groomed (and abused) in RL, it was awful. Her experience was that the police did take it all a bit slow, and while I know that can be frustrating, it meant her DD didn't feel railroaded by the people trying to help her. Bear in mind, your DD has already had this bloke pressuring and manipulating her, she has felt pushed into saying things she didn't want to say, and having to tell you and the police all the details will feel similar to her - ie having to talk about things she'd rather not. She'll probably want to play it down so it will all go away - totally understandable. Carry on supporting her and be kind to her, she has a bumpy road ahead Sad
Please don't feel you are responsible in any way. It could have happened to anyone of us.

sleepybump · 23/09/2012 19:38

Sorry to drop in on this thread as i dont have the opportunity to read it all but when i was 17 i sated an 18 yr old guy who had had a previous relationship with a 15 yr old. Ok, not so bad BUT this relationship he was havibg was actually because he was 'in love' with her 11 yr old sister. He eventually told me he slept with her as a birthday present when she turned 12. He said it was ok because she looked older... The pic he showed me though didnt.

He thought what he did was perfectly normal. Knowing how he worked, if the parents had found out he, quite lilely, would have just encouraged her to run away with him ...'forbidden love/us against the world' type thing.

I'm just telling you this because i recognise that only someone getting the police involved to check it out may have detered him (at least frombseeing her). I really hope you tell the police (who may not be able to give you further information on what they find) and let them check it out.

X

catgirl1976 · 23/09/2012 19:53

Um - tell me you reported that sleepy? Shock

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 23/09/2012 19:57

The police called at about half six to say they wouldn't be round until tomorrow when DD comes back from school, hopefully they'll have had time to poke about and perhaps be able to say something about this person.

They're good at keeping in contact letting us know what's going on.

I honestly haven't done anything any one of you wouldn't have done given the same circumstances. I'm trying to keep all the shitty things you think under wraps until I know better what's been going on.

She's a bit perkier and has got her old SIM (with no net access) with DHs old phone to take to school tomorrow.

The frighteners the police will put on her tomorrow (even though I know they'll be gentle) will ram the seriousness of the message home a bit further (not that I'm relying on the police to do my 'job' for me).

OP posts: