Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

take her to and from school and anywhere else she wants to go. she only needs say 'my mum worries!' and roll her eyes and her friends will understand. they might even get to like it if you give them all a lift to places...

you have done very well - you faced it and brought in the police and now you are following that through, as well as supporting your daughter.

you and she are not to blame, at all.

Maybe I could walk behind her so it doesn't look like I'm with her, but I can keep my eye out?

She says she's not mentioned which school she goes to, but there are only two for 13 YOs and they're pretty small.

I do think he's more than likely just after an anonymous/safe 'thrill', but I can't be sure.

She may have mentioned it without realising Ziggers

If (and I do mean if) he turns out to be an experienced groomer, he'll be skilled at getting information from people without them even realising they're giving it.

I'm not trying to be alarmist btw, I'm just pointing out that even though your DD is no doubt telling the truth about how much info she gave him...she may have inadvertently given him more.

Agent I'm so glad your DD is talking to you about it now! It must be terrifying for all of you

After reading your posts so far on this thread , my conclusion is that you are a really, good caring Mother, Agentzigzag :) Lucky girl.

Good on you Agent, the man as a paedophiles, god knows how many other children he's grooming. He is an adult whether he is 19 or 90. The police have to be involved. Accompany your dd to school as long as it takes

I am a bit daft what is CEOP btw

pigletmania
Child Exploitation & Online Protection Centre - internet safety - CEOP

I agree at how it's possible to manipulate a child into telling you things without them realising that's what you're doing. Most of us do it with innocent things with the DC all the time, getting to the bottom of what's going on when they're at school, or finding out whether they've been doing what they've said they're doing.

She said one of the texts that has been deleted was him while he was 'up to stuff' (I don't want to say it when it's connected to her) while she was texting him. Apparently it's unusual for him not to have text her so far today, that if she didn't reply he'd be texting her every hour to see where she was. She thinks he might think she's mad at him (which the messages do say from yesterday) but she agrees he won't like it that she's not contacted him.

Are you going to mention it to the SENCO or pastoral manager at school. You don't have to tell them all the details, if they have a school counsellor they could have a chat to her?

Agent

what a great mum your DD has - well done for reporting etc and having the relationship with your DD that she can talk to you

{{hugs}}

I would let the school know so they can be vigilant at their end too.

Sorry to read this but sadly this is a sign of modern times,it might be worth letting her teacher know what's happening so they can keep an eye on her also?

I would definitely tell someone at school; head of year is best, who will then pass it to the child protection officer and the form tutor.they will then look out for any change in behaviour from your dd that could indicate she is more affected than you/she might realise.

I wouldn't get a school counsellor involved until the police have been to talk but I would absolutely alert the school.

What a horrible, horrible situation-hope the police look into it PDQ.

Sickening that these people manage to manipulate & twist so that kids don´t tell their parents even when they are uncomfortable/out of their depth.

When people imagine a man who grooms DC they often have an image of an older, sinister man in a mac type. I am constantly surprised by the sex offenders I come into contact with (through my job). They are usually young and average looking. I think this thread (awful as it is for Agent) is a good way of highlighting how mindsets need to change and how aware we need to be.

Just been showing DS16 the OP and talking to him.

Asked if he had seen the ohmeagle site warned of earlier , oh yeah everyone knows about it. We go on it and in one click there is a guy wanking

DD (aged 12) and I have been having talks this weekend about this very issue. I have used some of today's posts to emphasise the stuff I've been telling her.

I have full access to email/phone/other stuff. She has no facebook, twitter, etc, and I've set parental controls. She knows that as I've worked with computers for a long time (as a user not a programmer, but she doesn't know that ) then I know more about computers than she does, and can easily follow her internet history, which is true.

I told her if she wants me to trust her, she has to trust me.

Agent hope you and your DD get the help you need. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

So sorry this has happened to your dd Zigzag. I must say that my first thought was why an 11 year old girl has a Hotmail/e-mail account. Can you tell me why she needs it? Hotmail accounts are a nightmare in terms of getting unsolicited requests for join groups etc. Maybe there is a reason that I'm not aware of and I don't want to come across as judgmental. At least now it's all out in the open and you have had the chat with her. Kids are so trusting at that age.

Oh hell AZZ, what a nightmare. The main thing is that you've found out and are putting a stop to it. Please don't torture yourself with what-ifs.

I think you should follow your instincts when it comes to walking DD to school. She might well be mortally embarassed but she has to appreciate that her safety is paramount and that she betrayed your trust and maybe needs to earn it back a bit.

It's a good question peedoff, she's had it for two odd years for joining up to things like moshi monsters. It's bookmarked on my computer and I've got the password and regularly check it. Everything up to now has been open and above board.

My dad set it up for her, and I didn't think or know the hotmail.co.uk thing was any different to any other email account you can set up in yahoo etc.

Maybe because I've never seen anything even remotely odd on it I was under the impression there wasn't anything urgent to look at.

I can't believe she thought I wouldn't notice, she knows I look. She left the bloody thing open on my computer which I'm wondering now whether it wasn't a little by by design, wanting to stop it but not being able to tell me outright.

I have to say I did have that thought Agent. The asking you about explicit terms seemed very much like a round a bout way off getting you to find out. She probably wanted you to know but didnt know how to tell you.

Poor her. She must have been really scared!

Your poor DD. It does sound like she left it open deliberately so you'd find out. It must be very hard for an 11 year old to admit what's going on when she's so out of her depth and not sure how to handle things. You sound like a great Mum and I'm sure your DD will be fine with all your love and support.