Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

You phone the police.
They are geared up for this sort of situation whether it's a stupid boy or a paedophile.

Do not let your DH phone him, let the police deal.
They will also be able to explain to your DD how to keep herself safe in future.

And read ceop.police.uk/ for futher info.

Hope all goes well with the police.

Thank goodness you found out when you did.

Omg that's horrific,I too think he's much older than 19 good luck with the police.

Goodness. I really do hope your DD is OK. She must be relieved that you know and you're helping her, but embarrassed and ashamed at the same time. The Police will help you with this, they may need to take your computer so that forensics can look at the information on there so I wouldn't search too much, just tell them what you know now. You're right in saying he's probably older than 19, and it's possible that he's done this before. You really do need to let the Police handle this now.

All the best x

OP that's terrible but at least u found out now, it could have been much worse and at least your DD might learn from it and is unlikely to put herself in any more situations like this when she is older.

I know this isn't quite the same but my ds had his msn and Facebook account hacked.
We reported this to the police because the hacker asked one of my ds's female friends to show him stuff on cam.
Unfortunately the police didn't manage to find the person. Luckily the people the hacker spoke to could tell it wasn't my ds.

19? Good God. So pleased you are reporting it.

Your DD is very fortunate to have such sensible parents.

Good for you for ringing the police, AgentZZ.

Hope your DD is okay.

Glad you are ringing police - he is grooming and may be doing it to other children too.

Sorry she was exposed to that at such a young age. But it's a good time to build a relationship with her so she knows she can talk to you about this stuff, talk about boundaries in relationships online as well as in RL.

Well done on ringing the police. Hope you are all OK. As promised last night some info and links you might find useful.

We need to teach children internet safety in the same way that we that we teach them road safety because it is impossible to prevent your child from using the internet in the same way it is impossible to prevent your children from ever crossing a road. As parents you are the best people to teach your child to stay safe online. Most of the rules that you teach your children to stay safe in the real world are the same as in an online world - the internet is a public place. Being aware of the issues will make it easier to deal with and discuss them.

CEOP/ThinkuKnow. Sign up to monthly e-mail updates, which will provide you with information on new and emerging technologies and tips to keep your family safe whilst online. The website also takes you through some technologies so if you don?t know what is meant by social networking or IM then this website will take you through what it is, what is good about it, what is bad about it and what you can do.

NSPCC

DirectGOV Click Clever Click Safe

Internet Safety Zone

Get Netwise. This site has instructional videos that range from setting your search engine to filter pornography in its search results to activating your computers? security setting, a section on learning about the risks children face online and looking for internet safety products, a section on stopping unwanted e-mail and spam, protecting your computer and keeping personal information safe online.

KidSmart. Lots of fact sheets and other information.

Childnet International. Lots of info available in a variety of languages as well.

We try to use the SMART rules at school and for our parents to help children remember what they have been taught.

S - Staying Safe:
Be careful and think about if it is safe to give our personal information online? The answer is usually NO! Personal information includes information about you and others and can include names, addresses, messenger IDs, e-mail addresses, mobile phone numbers, pictures of yourselves and others anything at all really. You can never be sure where this personal information will end up and once uploaded you can never be sure to take it back completely.

M - Meeting:
Try to keep online friends online. Meeting up with someone you have only met online can be dangerous. If you really must meet up with someone, take a parent or trusted adult with you. Some people will spend months (or longer) gaining your trust ? this doesn?t make them a safer bet.

A - Attachments:
Don?t open e-mails or attachments from people you don?t know and trust as they may contain nasty messages or viruses. Make sure you have up-to-date anti-virus software and a firewall on your home computer.

R - Remember:
Remember that when online you are in charge, you can choose who you talk to and who you don?t talk to. Remember that people may be lying online and may not be who they say they are. If you feel uncomfortable when chatting or messaging, end the conversation, block the person and if necessary report it. Remember that companies, organisations and websites can also mislead you and that not everything on the internet is true.

T - Tell:
Tell your parent, teacher or carer if someone or something makes you feel uncomfortable or worried. If you aren?t sure whether to tell someone or not, it?s always better to be on the safe side.

I also wanted to say that it sounds like you have dealt with your DD very well. We strongly advise parents to listen and not to 'tell off' their children once something has come to light. Parents who shout at their children, tell them it is their fault and 'ban' the internet are in danger of their children being too frightened to tell should they end up in a horrible situation for fear of getting into trouble. Remember in all of this the perpetrator who has been grooming your daughter is the one at fault and you and your DD are victims.

Sorry this was so long.

Just wanted to say thank you for posting this and being so open? hopefully you are ok to keep updating as I feel many of us will learn from it and hopefully not have to go through the same thing that you are. My daughter (7) has just started using the Internet, she goes on a popular game site (but I won't let her add any friends- RL or not) and has looked up some barbie movies. She is also directed to some games/educational resources from school. All very basic stuff but I know this is just the very beginning of a steep learning curve (for me?). At least you have managed to find out before it went any further, try not to be too hard on yourself.

A parent's worst nightmare it has sent shivers down my spine reading that. I really hope you ring the police right away as would hate to think anything terrible happened. i haven't read all of this thread so don't know if you have said she has met with the person yet? Sounds very like grooming to me, make me feel sick these people especially now they know she is 13. Good luck and let us know the outcome.

I hope you are ok OP thank goodness you caught onto this so quickly it must feel horrible right now

Mrs Hercule thankyou for that post. I know my DC are taught this at school ( they were beyond horrified when I organised a RL life meet up from MN !) but I will look through those links and talk to DD later

Can I ask what kind of things should I be worrying about online wise for DS16 yo ? Boys arent groomed are they ?

The officer I talked to was very thorough, took an interest in the content of the messages and in what way they were sexually explicit, all the internet addresses/usernames I had for both of them and how far it had gone (asking things like whether he'd asked to meet up).

They're classing it as a sexual offence and sending someone round to talk to me with her (and waiting for them is horrible, I wonder whether they're checking him out a bit before they come round).

She's bricking herself, understandably, but knows that although she initiated it, it's not all her fault.

Should I walk her to school tomorrow? Depending on what the police manage to do today, the man knows her name, what she looks like, where she lives, I don't want her out on her own if her not contacting him could provoke him in any way to check her out himself. It's unlikely I know, but you worry about them even when there isn't any cause to. It sounds obvious I should walk her, but she'll get flack from the other DC at a time when she maybe can't manage that extra. I'm concerned not to overload her.

Police just rang back and said they're not sure when they'll be round because it's a response officer (?) so they don't know what else will come up, but have taken times we'll be available today, tomorrow and tuesday. I hope it doesn't take that long, can't stand it just hanging there.

No texts from the man today though.

If it will make you feel better to take her, then do take her. If ribbing from friends is a problem, could you drive? That tends to be seen as more of a luxury than an embarrassment. If not, well then I'm afraid that's one of the more minor pitfalls of what dd has unwittingly done - maybe a word about standing up for yourself and ignoring teasing would be in order. You are right that she's vulnerable right now but the horrid thought that he might try to contact her in person is scarier than her being teased a bit, I would have thought.

Yes go with her to school.

"I needed lunch money and mum had to go to the cashline first?"

DD says has used this one before to explain away my presence at drop-off.

well done for making the call. brave of you, and of your DD to be open. I hope you get someone round to talk to you quickly.

I would walk her to school. The flack versus your fears are worth it imo. Is it possible to walk her part way until she meets some friends and continues with them, or just around the corner from school so she walks in without losing face but you can still monitor her until she walks in? Does he know what school she goes to/be able to figure it out? if so, maybe you should tell her teachers? not necessarily in detail, but a description, your concerns, and what you want them to do if they see him approach your DD? not thinking he will, but maybe you will feel more comfortable right now knowing all bases are covered and people are looking out for DD.

Yes go with her to school - Katie's idea is good to explain your presence.

Thinking of you and her and just how lucky you actually have been which sounds weird.

Well done OP.

Yes, take her to school for your own peace of mind but, as I'm sure the police will tell you, these guys tend to just hide behind computer screens. He might have attempted to arrange a 'secret' meeting with her but he is very unlikely to track her down and seek her out.

Take her for your own peace of mind. I am sure she is perfectly safe but you will feel better. Maybe talk to her teacher so they have a heads up and can keep an eye on her (emotionally if nothing else, she is going to be a bit fragile)

I would keep an eye on her for a while at least.

This guy may have brainwashed her, so she might agree to meet him or go off to "talk" to him if she sees him.

He also might be angry at the police being called so might try to scare her.

She is very young, and she isn't really old enough to talk about this with her friends (or get decent advice from them) so I think you need to watch her closely for the immediate future.

I'm sure the police will be nice to her - they actually like having these things reported to them.

I would walk her to school for the week, as one day may not make him seek her out, but two or three of absence might... I realise that sounds like scare mongering.

I honest do not feel that aportioning blame is fair to anyone. I believe zigzag that you were right and balanced to TRUST your dd, you were not aware of this site, so couldn't ban it. She's blown that level of trust, but she's not at 'fault' either. The only person at 'fault' is the person preying on young people and discussing such inappropriate things with them.

Its a lesson learned for both you and your DD (and the rest of the family) clear up, cuddle, move on wiser. x

Yes I would walk her to school, even if the two of you make up a 'reason' for it....like you're taking your 2yr old to a toddler group so you're passing the school anyway.

I was going to suggest she walks with her friend who you said is sensible, but that could put her at risk too (and anyone else she walks with).