Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to keep my dd out of school until they sort out the bullying?

108 replies

ddbullied · 22/09/2012 18:45

DD is 12 years old and in her last year in primary school. She has been bullied for over four years now and nothing productive or preventative has been done to stop it in the longterm. They lay off for a few days but it all boils back up again when the storm blows over in a matter of days.

The most recent thing is exclusion by the whole class without sayin why so rather than have her go through every break time on her own I've removed her from the school, lost the plot with the principal (who I've been calm with for four years!) and told him he fixes it or I'm going to take it to the police, the health authority and the national papers.

Here is what she has endured during those years:

*property has been emptied from her bag onto the floor

*she hung her coat every morning - every lunchtime it was on the floor

*constant nasty comments and names regarding her appearance - she had prominent ears and
teeth but has had corrective surgery and now wears braces

*property stolen

*property damaged/defaced

*nasty remarks written about her on the desks and on the walls and doors in the bathrooms

*Her clothes have been written on and uncapped markers left in her pockets staining them.

*she was hit so hard on the head with a pencilcase it broke her hairband in half

*her lunch has been taken from her in front of her while the child taking it laughed at her daring her to challenge

*she is hassled for her lunch and called names when she refuses

*she has been set up to be riduculed - pretending to be her friend and laughing at her when she falls for it

*lies told about her to other children to turn them against her

*they have told lies about me so the other children will not play with her because her mum is horrible (Thankfully proven to be a lie now, devastating at the time and even when the truth was outed she was isolated for getting the other child in trouble)

*Treated far more roughly in a game than the other children but ridiculed because 'everybody else can take it' even though she has been physically hurt)

*her hair ties have been pulled from her hair and disgarded

*physical/verbal threats but when she stands up to it the whole class take the side of the bully

*whispering/sniggering while pointing at her

*kicked/pinched/pushed to the ground 'in the game'

*ridiculed at sport

*isolated and ignored during break times/walked away from when she asks why

*lies told to her best friend to turn her against her

*cyberbullying/prank phonecalls calling her names

These are only what I can think of off the top of my head. It has been relentless. We obviously wanted to move dd to a different school long ago but she won't have any of it because of the friends she does have and also because the secondary school she'll be going to will be attended by all of them anyway so she feels better not to leave and then have to return next year and face them again anyway. I also feel it would be a further punishment, making her suffer the loss of friendships, a final blow from the bullies. The other parents refuse to believe their angels are doing anything and that dd is misunderstanding them!

I've recently found that dd has searched suicide on the internet and been asking me about death and what happens when people die. I'm scared out of my wits.

I want to keep her out of school until something official is done but dd is so far behind the rest of the class academically that I'm worried the time out will only make things worse and increase the gap so much that she will have to repeat giving more fuel to the bullies who taunt her for being 'stupid'.

What would you do? Send her back and hope that the principal will do his job this time even though he has let us all down on several occasions in the past or keep her out and try to keep up with the work at home which won't always be supervised because we'll both have to work and she'll be with grandparents who won't be able to assist like we would.

Mil has just walked in, better go make her a cup of tea. Be back shortly.

OP posts:
Bumblequeen · 25/09/2012 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

demisemiquaver · 25/09/2012 23:55

get her OUT ,OUT! of the whole set-up !!!!!!!she needs a FRESH start AT A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SCHOOL with all new people : list all of it GO TO THE AUTHORITIES ,THREATEN , and they'll HAVE to give in to you Meanwhile get something she can do like a wee dance/music/drama class SOMEWHERE ELSE where she can be a different person who acts different , it's all gone on so long she's learnt to be the victim with low self-esteem ,and she can see her friends out of school if she wants surely

KarenHL · 26/09/2012 00:17

I was bullied for 13yrs at school - all primary & secondary. At primary it was mostly physical. Nothing was ever achieved by complaining, so I gave up telling anyone (altho' it was damned obvious to anyone at my schools).

I am suprised how many people are advising OP to go to the police. It is possible things may have changed, but one day I was so badly assaulted (in the presence of one of the bully's parents - who did not stop her precious DC, or the other sh1t battering me for hours) I ended up at casualty. On that occasion my mum called the police, to be told that at primary age the children were under the age of criminal responsibility - and as the attack happened in the bully's parent's car (on a school trip), the school & the parent could not be held liable. I would hope if the school act in loco parentis, they would be responsible.

At the same age, I was suicidal. Please, please take your DD to the GP and see if they can help in any way. This kind of hell, is a very lonely place to be and does have long-term effects on future relationships etc. Not wanting to leave is probably symptomatic of her fear of the unknown (will it be worse somewhere else? - will the problems follow me?) and there may even be a sense that she is letting herself or you down. I'm not saying for one moment, that is the case, but I remember seeing my mum in tears at the (physical) state of me and her worry that there was no other school she could get me into - and although it wasn't my fault, I did feel responsible. We hoped secondary would be better, but all it really meant was a change from physical to mental/emotional bullying.

I do hope all works out for your DD & you. She has a right to have an education in a safe place where she not constantly undermined. You mention home-ed, and she doesn't sound keen, but it might be worth trying to get to some local home-ed meets during the school hols (lots of people try that, before they decide to leave school, to see if it is right for their family). That way, you can both see what you think - rather than it being this strange unknown.

ddbullied · 28/09/2012 23:20

Hi,

Just a very brief update for now.

We received a letter in the post yesterday, three lines - thanks, we acknowledge receipt of letter, BOM dealing with it at next meeting in a few weeks. Dh and I were livid. No queries how dd was doing, no plan of action, no apology.

Anyway, I had to take dd to her therapist this morning and dh had decided he was going into the school to tell them the reply was unacceptable as it didn't address any of our concerns or requests. As he was walking into the school his phone rang and it was the principal. He was ringing to arrange a meeting later in the day. They talked briefly and met again at 3pm.

He fully acknowledged the contents of our letter, outlined what action he would be taking, said he wouldn't be making an issue of things that had happened with the children involved because that could make things worse for dd and we agree but he will be running an anti-bullying course designed for classrooms and will be making it known that anybody found to be bullying will face sever consequences. He's had a meeting with all the staff, read them our letter and together they have devised a way to ensure more supervision and easy and safe methods for children to report worries or incidents.

Obviously lots more said but I'm trying not to make this an essay. The upshot is, for now we're confident they had a nice healthy scare and will deal with things much more efficiently now.

They must be doing something right when dd received a text from one of the worst offenders apologising for all the hurt she has caused her and hopes that dd can forgive her and they can be friends.

DD is doing great. The week off has been brilliant actually. We've had lots of time to talk and laugh and do family things together. Today was the best of all. A lovely MNer suggested dd and her dd may like to be penpals. DD was ecstatic. The other little girl is in a different country and dd is just tickled pick to be starting what she hopes will be a lifelong friendship and adventure.
I actually feel very emotional writing that, a mother reached across thousands of miles to help another mother and make her little girl smile. My faith in people, women, mothers grew stronger today because of a woman I've never met. Amazing. I'm so very grateful.

To all of you who've shared your stories I thank you. It can't have been easy recalling the hurt you experienced. I hope you are all doing well now.

For all the advice and support, thank you to each and every one of you. I needed it so much this week. I needed that support to keep me strong so that I could be all that I needed to be for dd. We've made some great headway today thankfully, long may it continue.

Changing back to my regular name now Smile

OP posts:
ddbullied · 28/09/2012 23:21

Oops, that was supposed to be brief, sorry! Grin

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 28/09/2012 23:29

Great to hear a good outcome. The only way is to tell people you mean business. Hope it all works out for your DD from here on in :)

Mayisout · 28/09/2012 23:42

Wonderful newS, I am so happy for all of you.

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2012 14:09

I actually feel very emotional writing that, a mother reached across thousands of miles to help another mother and make her little girl smile. My faith in people, women, mothers grew stronger today because of a woman I've never met. Amazing. I'm so very grateful.
Aww, that made me well-up! What a brilliant idea! Such a kind thought.

I'm so glad the school is taking you seriously at last, I do hope that your DD can go on to enjoy the rest of her schooldays in peace.

I was bullied all through secondary school, but the difference with me was that my parents didn't know. Your DD has you and she's very lucky in that respect.

I hope that it's all onward and upward for your family now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page