Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to keep my dd out of school until they sort out the bullying?

108 replies

ddbullied · 22/09/2012 18:45

DD is 12 years old and in her last year in primary school. She has been bullied for over four years now and nothing productive or preventative has been done to stop it in the longterm. They lay off for a few days but it all boils back up again when the storm blows over in a matter of days.

The most recent thing is exclusion by the whole class without sayin why so rather than have her go through every break time on her own I've removed her from the school, lost the plot with the principal (who I've been calm with for four years!) and told him he fixes it or I'm going to take it to the police, the health authority and the national papers.

Here is what she has endured during those years:

*property has been emptied from her bag onto the floor

*she hung her coat every morning - every lunchtime it was on the floor

*constant nasty comments and names regarding her appearance - she had prominent ears and
teeth but has had corrective surgery and now wears braces

*property stolen

*property damaged/defaced

*nasty remarks written about her on the desks and on the walls and doors in the bathrooms

*Her clothes have been written on and uncapped markers left in her pockets staining them.

*she was hit so hard on the head with a pencilcase it broke her hairband in half

*her lunch has been taken from her in front of her while the child taking it laughed at her daring her to challenge

*she is hassled for her lunch and called names when she refuses

*she has been set up to be riduculed - pretending to be her friend and laughing at her when she falls for it

*lies told about her to other children to turn them against her

*they have told lies about me so the other children will not play with her because her mum is horrible (Thankfully proven to be a lie now, devastating at the time and even when the truth was outed she was isolated for getting the other child in trouble)

*Treated far more roughly in a game than the other children but ridiculed because 'everybody else can take it' even though she has been physically hurt)

*her hair ties have been pulled from her hair and disgarded

*physical/verbal threats but when she stands up to it the whole class take the side of the bully

*whispering/sniggering while pointing at her

*kicked/pinched/pushed to the ground 'in the game'

*ridiculed at sport

*isolated and ignored during break times/walked away from when she asks why

*lies told to her best friend to turn her against her

*cyberbullying/prank phonecalls calling her names

These are only what I can think of off the top of my head. It has been relentless. We obviously wanted to move dd to a different school long ago but she won't have any of it because of the friends she does have and also because the secondary school she'll be going to will be attended by all of them anyway so she feels better not to leave and then have to return next year and face them again anyway. I also feel it would be a further punishment, making her suffer the loss of friendships, a final blow from the bullies. The other parents refuse to believe their angels are doing anything and that dd is misunderstanding them!

I've recently found that dd has searched suicide on the internet and been asking me about death and what happens when people die. I'm scared out of my wits.

I want to keep her out of school until something official is done but dd is so far behind the rest of the class academically that I'm worried the time out will only make things worse and increase the gap so much that she will have to repeat giving more fuel to the bullies who taunt her for being 'stupid'.

What would you do? Send her back and hope that the principal will do his job this time even though he has let us all down on several occasions in the past or keep her out and try to keep up with the work at home which won't always be supervised because we'll both have to work and she'll be with grandparents who won't be able to assist like we would.

Mil has just walked in, better go make her a cup of tea. Be back shortly.

OP posts:
Fishwife1949 · 22/09/2012 20:14

www.bullying.co.uk/advice/parents-advice/make-complaint

Please use this, the letter template i used to complain its from bullying uk they gave us so much help

kilmuir · 22/09/2012 20:19

4 YEARS and you still let her go to this awful place?
You are the adult, remove her and home educate for a while if necessary.

3littlefrogs · 22/09/2012 20:26

Bullying always escalates.

Ds was bullied for around 6 months,

All the staff colluded - the bully was the son of the chair of the PA.

This boy pushed ds down the stairs.

The bully controlled the whole class. He was enabled because none of the staff were prepared to deal with him (or his parents)

When the bully threatened to push ds into the road under a car I took him out of the school.

The HT was hopeless. In her opinion my ds was "responsible (for being bullied) because he was clever, and therefore different, and the other children did not like someone who was different".

Please get your child out of this environment.

purplehouse · 22/09/2012 20:29

Remove her now. I really doubt she is learning anything at all if that is what you are concerned about. I would send a letter to the head and governors saying why she isn't attending and get her to the gp so they can cite suicidal thoughts and use that to get the lea to change school ASAP, definitely before secondary. She shouldn't go back to that school again IMO.

Gimblinginthewabe · 22/09/2012 20:34

I would take her out NOW and find a different secondary school with new people.

The move during primary would be a good opportunity to practice making a good first impression and making new friends for secondary. If it doesn't go quite right then they will have a second chance starting secondary. If it goes well then they have some good friends to move up with.

ddbullied · 22/09/2012 21:00

Sorry I took so long to get back.

I've had a read through all your messages and will try to respond to them.

Yes we're in Ireland. DD would have finished primary last year but she repeated senior infants so is only in the final year now.

I can understand why so many of you are shocked by this going on for four years but it's really not just as simple as it seems. We live in a very small community. We moved here only in the last four years so dd was late to join the school. She had such a hard time fitting in and being accepted that she has been and still is terrified we will put her through the same thing all over again. I may come across as I haven't given much of a shit but when your child begins to shake and cry and look at you with sheer terror all over her face begging you not to move her wtf do you do? She has some friends but on the odd occasion they have been fooled into believing lies about dd and ignored her. Some friends yes but they're just kids too who are not as clued in as the main instigators and also they don't want to become victims themselves.

She has been involved in dancing, sport outside school and knows some of the children from the only other school she could attend and she has been treated badly by them too, she doesn't want to move and go from the frying pan into the fire and start all over again. Yes there is only one secondary school on our area. There's another one a few miles away but it is rife with bullying. I know the secondary school she'll be going to have a zero tolerance policy on bullying so I'll be happier for her to be going there anyway.

I've suggested I'll homeschool her or get her a tutor no matter what the cost and told her I'll make sure she still gets to see the one or two friends she is close to but again I get the look of terror and the pleading. When I took her out of school the other day the only thing she said to me was "please let me come back mum, don't take me out please" and she began to hyperventilate. She was so disraught, not by what had happened but by the thoughts that I would never let her go back. I can't do it to her which is why I'm here. I don't know what to do. Someone said earlier about going in and beating the living shit out of all of them - yes I'd love to but my child needs me here not in prison.

I've advised her of all the different tactics I've seen on the many anti-bullying advice websites and when all them failed I did the unimaginable - I told her to get physical. She hasn't because she's a soft little thing. She doesn't like being rude or aggressive.

I have a path worn to the school. I've been as calm as possible, I've cried my eyes out and been promised something would be done. Nothing.

I've contacted the some of the other parents and all bar one has denied their child has done anything wrong outside of normal playground stuff. Three of the parents are on the parent commitee. They're a tightknit group of snobs and they stick together. They all get on very well with the principal outside of school because he is a local man. He's also noted for being a very good teacher and they won't have a bad word said about him. It's like banging my head off a brick wall which is why I'm considering going to a national paper as opposed to a local one.

We cannot move to another area. We are up to our necks in debt with two mortgages and just about keeping our heads above water. It's a financial impossibility. I've considered declaring bankruptcy but that would further upset dd's world. I can't do that to her. Yes I am between a rock and a hard place.

She's seeing a therapist now who I have begged to help us. She is lovely but it's early days I don't know how it might change how dd sees the world and herself within it.

I'm sorry I'm too upset to write anymore for now. I'll come back again in a while.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 22/09/2012 21:01

Fire

Doesn't really. I was just surprised. I am not familiar with Scottish/ Irish ed systems

expatinscotland · 22/09/2012 21:03

You're the adult here. Homeschool her. Go bankrupt and move asap. I'd rather be bankrupt than have my child go through that.

She doesn't know what's best for her. YOU do.

And find a therapist who works with bullied and abused people. She sounds like she could have some form of Stockholm Syndrome.

OrangePlumPie · 22/09/2012 21:07

My pal removed her son from our Primary school during his final year - there had been "issues" since Nursery apparently.

They all went on to the same Secondary which is hot on bullying and there has been no nonsense - they are now 3rd year.

I think the break did them all good.

Helltotheno · 22/09/2012 21:45

why I'm considering going to a national paper as opposed to a local one.

Do this. I guarantee that once you mention the media, these people will shit themselves. Make sure you have a paper trail, i.e. if you've never written to the board of management, principal etc about the issue, do that now, and say you'll escalate if they don't find a solution within two weeks. You can take it they won't, so then report the bullying/harassment to the police, using the list in your OP, and contact the national media... name and shame if necessary.

I don't have personal experience of this, but if I were in your shoes, I would have zero hesitation in doing all of the above and would have done it a lot sooner... Be brave, stand up to them and kick some butt. You are the only one who'll represent your own kids.

ddbullied · 22/09/2012 21:49

Expat We couldn't provide for her if we did that. I could write an essay explaining why but I'm sure you can take my word for it can't you? DD's life would be made a million times worse if we did that, trust me.

If I could think of a feasible way to do what you've suggested I'd have done it long ago. The reality is I'm on medication now to get me through the days so I don't go in and kill all round me.

I've taken her out now and I won't be sending her back until they have dealt with it properly but I want to know I'll have exhausted all other avenues before I do that to her. She's in counselling so that I can have a professional tell me if waiting is wise or to do as you all say and go against her wishes. She may be a child but she deserves a say in her own life surely?

If I'm told she has stockholm syndrome then it would be a no brainer but until she is assessed by the therapist I have to take my daughters word and respect her wishes.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I am more terrified dd would do something awful if I moved her than if the bullying continued. That's not normal is it?

Look, I've put this in aibu so I'm prepared to be slated. Nothing any of you say could hurt me more than I have hurt all these years and am hurting now. I'll just ask that if you truely believe I'm wrong can you explain to me why. Can you help me justify to my dd why I would be, in her eyes, doing the worst thing I could ever do to her.

She's not afraid to go to school. Why? Though she shows some of the other classic signs of bullying this main one is not there. Even when she's not feeling well she'll say "I'll be ok mum, I really want to go"

OP posts:
Themumsnot · 22/09/2012 21:51

What people on this thread need to understand is that the OP is in Ireland and therefore, in my experience, will not have access to the kind of complaints procedure that exists in the UK. Schools in Ireland are a law unto themselves and teacher training in things like bullying and equal opps is nothing like it is in Britain. The OP is facing a much bigger problem in taking on the system than she would be in the UK.
OP - I am so sorry to hear what your DD is going through. I think you do have to take this above the school now - I think in your situation I would approach your local TD and see if they can bring pressure to bear (and certainly threaten to go to the newspapers - the education correspondent of the Irish Times might be a good first port of call).

ddbullied · 22/09/2012 21:52

Do you think the police would take it seriously? I'm going to them anyway but I don't think they'll be much help it's more to get it documented as we've never done that. We assumed all the reports made to the school will be on file but if they fear negative attention they could always destroy any paper trail.

OP posts:
ddbullied · 22/09/2012 21:55

Themumsnot, thank you, sincerely. I'm so glad someone understands the messed up system we have.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 22/09/2012 22:17

I absolutely think it's worth going to the police, I really do. If a random stranger on the street had those things happen to him/her, they would be taken seriously at the police station as some of them amount to assault of various kinds. You need to have a paper trail somewhere; the more paper trail you have, the stronger a position you're in.

Absolutely go to the media--Ireland is a very small country and no school wants that I'm sure. But you have to have a proper trail behind you of written complaints...

ddbullied · 23/09/2012 09:30

Been running all this through my mind most of the night, couldn't sleep. I'm raging we didn't keep a log because I really don't think the police can do anything now. The child who broke her hairband has moved on to secondary school now anyway and that was the one thing I felt the police would take seriously, all the other physical stuff would be impossible to prove deliberate because it was all done in the context of a game. They take turns being blindfolded and have to catch the others. The ones not blindfolded would prod and sometimes push the blindfolded one to the ground but when it was dd's turn they kicked her and pushed her down, pinched her and pulled her hair. When she said it was to much and they weren't doing that to the others she was told she wasn't allowed play because she was complaining and not taking it like all the others.

I'm compiling a a number of things at the moment to send in with my letter to the principal including a list of bullying behaviours, most of which dd had been subjected to. Effects of bullying, most of which dd displays. A copy of a national headline from Friday, bullied to death which tells the very sad story of a 15 year old girl who took her life on Thursday due to relentless bullying. Research documents outlining the link between bullying and depression/suicide. Highlighted extracts of the school anti-bullying policy and the schools obligations.

I have yet to write a letter. I start but then the anger comes in and I come across all crazy. I'm also trying to find something concrete to prove the school has been neglegent in that they have failed to protect my child from abuse.

There is a Children First policy set out by the Health Service which obligates an adult having suspicion or knowledge of child abuse or neglect to report to the authorities so if a teacher suspected my child was being abused or neglected at home they are legally required to report upwards and are protected from accusations of false reporting as long as they did so in the best interest of the child. This doesn't extend to child-on-child abuse in the school setting or teacher neglect in the face of obvious bullying.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 23/09/2012 10:53

I think as someone suggested up thread that you should just bite the bullet and remove her.
I worry that she is so conditioned into accepting this that she fears it will be the same everywhere andthat the predictability of abuse is better than the unknown. My dc has been a changed person since coming out of school.
I really feel for you, I hope you get it sorted x

ChickenTonightTonight · 23/09/2012 11:02

"I come across all crazy" - yes beware of this one - particularly if you are English -( sorry to have to say it ) I left the country years ago and I know a lot of thing have changed, but I'd say people would love to use the excuse that you are coming in trying to tell them how to do things and don't understand how things work here - ("you probably don't even go to mass ffs") The person with the most power in the school in addition to the head used to be the head of the board of management, after that it is the Department. The best advice has to be to start at another school even if it means moving.
That said if you DO know the priest and he happens to be head of BOM AND you think he would be sympathetic that would be an EXTREMELY good place to start. - however I know there was talk about loosening the grip of the church on schools - so that advice might be out of date.
Still say moving is the best option.

lucertola28 · 23/09/2012 11:16

Sent you a pm with some Irish links and info

lovebunny · 23/09/2012 13:42

take her out altogether.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/09/2012 17:48

OP

So sorry this is happening and you feel so trapped. I remember how angry and helpless it made me feel.

I totally understand why you are anxious about taking her out - it would be (apparently) overriding her wishes and maybe feels like taking more power away from her. For you, as well, maybe it would feel like an admission of defeat for the bullies.

I do think though, that taking her out will give her the message that she does not have to cope with this herself - that you, as an adult will protect her. You can then confront the school without worrying about any comeback on her. I think you will feel better to take this action and be able to see the wood for the trees. The simple fact is, she should not have had to manage this herself and the school has badly failed her.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/09/2012 17:50

What children experience at school comes to be what they think of themselves. My DS got a strong message that he was small, weak, and a loser. I noosted his self-esteem as much as I could at home (having friends away from school is very important), but that just isn't enough for a child who is developing their identity to use as a defence.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/09/2012 17:51

boosted

MadameCastafiore · 23/09/2012 17:57

You need to be the parent here and protect her. Four bloody years, I am sorry but I am shocked that you haven't pulled her out of school before now. Poor child will be bloody well scarred for life. Her confidence must be shot to bits and she must be wondering why she has been subjected to such appalling behaviour for so long.