For this little girl to have put me off sending dc to private school.

[reallythough]

Name-changed as I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed and I'm a bit scared.

We are unsure of whether to send our dc to private school or state school at the moment, we have one starting school next September.

DC who will be starting school next year attends pre-school at a nursery attached to a private school which we really love, the staff are brilliant, dc is very happy and has lots of friends. Last week I picked dc up and walking out of the school an 11ish year old girl and her siblings ran out shouting 'oh Daddy you've got your new Range, look at Daddy's new Range everyone' on repeat about 5/6 times whilst looking around to show everyone that she didn't know (it was a particularly nice car).

I don't want our dc growing up surrounded by people who place importance on materialistic posessions at such a young age. It made me wonder whether a state school will be a more organic surrounding for dc to grow in rather than the quite narrow selection of people they will be socialising with at an independent.

I read something the other day about how we try to re-create our own childhood for our children and I went to private school but after juniors was desperately unhappy there and felt trapped. I am not criticising the girl at all but it did remind me that on the whole a lot of the people I went to private school with were very materialistic and quite narrow minded. AIBU for this to have jolted me to have a serious re-think?

It depends on the personality of the child too. One of mine wanted a blackberry and the other never touches a phone, same house, same parents, same school.

(Islands don't cost much. I don't know why people go on about it. Your average holiday home in Spain would cost more). I don't think anyone I know in terms of neighbours or school people would have any idea I own an island. )

What you saw was an over excited girl looking at something new after a long day at school imo. My DD came out ths week, looked at her baby sister and announced several times in the highest squeakiest voice you have ever heard "she's got a new tooth! Look (name of 10 friends, teachers, everyone in the sodding playground) she's got a tooth!"
Girls do that. And maybe this girl likes cars? Nothing to do with private school, just squeaky girls,imo. YABU to let this one incident put you off.

My niece is the most label/brand obsessed kid I've ever met. She won't wear M&S and told me that she is saving her pocket money for a Miu Miu bag. She's 11 and goes to an inner city state school.

I think it would very much depend on what school and the attitudes of the parents are. Not all wealthy people are materialistic. Old very traditional prep schools round Here from what I have seen the children are not in designer clothes, parents not picking them up in brand new cars the other prep school are a little more mixed

indeed, islands are cheap as chips.

compared to a 3-bed semi round these parts anyway.

one of the state bog-standard comps i went to had a fiercely materialistic vibe. the other two less so.

this isn't a state vs private thing, it is an individual school thing, and generally kids are just materialistic.

Experiencing an education with either the Alan Clarkes or Heseltines of this world is hardly going to give you a fully rounded understanding of 'real life' is it? I think the cushioning from reality is what would worry me about an exclusively paid for Education not materialism per se! New money or old money can buy you an Education and the sets those apart from those who don't have the money for that choice. Buying an expensive house in a good catchment is not the same thing as even at an outstanding state primary school you will have a cross section of society. My DS's school is predominantly middle class, very expensive house prices but some people live as families in 1/2 bedroom flats with housing benefit, some people bought the properties before their value rocketed and have got a windfall from this bit of luck but they have pretty low paid jobs- they could not afford private school for their children.

My Niece and nephews attend private schools and are very privileged and have no understanding of the realities for most people. My DN is a very advanced reader and gets books bought for her as and when they are needed because, 'books aren't toys it is their Education and is necessity' insists SIL. Of course books are important but myself and DP can't just buy them whenever we like, we have to use the library. I don't think my niece has ever been to one. Recently, she had a new, expensive book shelf bought for her as she was running out of space on her old one. If it is needed it is purchased, no saving required, or waiting to get something. This is all my nieces and nephews have known so they don't understand why we can't say yes to seeing 'Matilda' at the weekend in the West End @ £60 a head. I don't think this is an advantage in life. They are very nice and don't ask for things all the time but that's really because they don't need to.

Golden bear

I understand what you are saying. But what you are actually describing is parenting.
Two of my dc go to private school but they do understand about saving up for things and not being able to afford things because we do not simply give them everything they want.

Ds1 is at uni and budgets and works out what he can afford. He has saved to contribute to things like rugby trips since senior school. His post a level bike trip across Europe was funded entirely by him.

Their schools may reinforce a sense of entitlement but tbh those responsible for your nephew and niece are her parents. It is only 'all they know' because of parenting.

Am I the only person who thinks the OP has a point?

It's true that you can't judge a whole school on the basis of one child. You can, however, take children's behaviour into account when choosing a school. The way a child behaves in school is not just a reflection of that child's values but a reflection of the values of the school. Has the school ever told children that it's bad to gloat or boast? Or do they encourage it? At my local state primary, competitiveness and boasting seem to be things the school encourages, whereas at other primaries I know, kindness and modesty and consideration of the feelings of others are the values promoted by the school.

OP I think you had a moment and it's sent you into a bit of a spin.

This is good, because your child's education should be given much thought.

I like my kids to be in schools with others of a similar socio economic background because I believe they will feel comfortable and connected.

If you are well-heeled but not obsessed with material wealth, then it is likely you can pass this onto your daughter and that she will choose friends with similar values.

If you secretly wanted a new Range for Daddy then she will probably pick up on that too.

No. The op does not have a point.

She saw one incident with no context, no explanation, no background.

To dismiss a school because of one thing one child said on one occaion is dim.

Experiencing an education with either the Alan Clarkes or Heseltines of this world is hardly going to give you a fully rounded understanding of 'real life' is it?

going to school with one of the best political minds of his generation wouldn't have been part of a fully rounded experience?

are you serious?

"They are very nice and don't ask for things all the time but that's really because they don't need to."

this is what you want though isn't it?

very nice kids that don't pester you?

mine pester me because i am a soft touch - for ice creams and bouncy castles anyway. That makes them annoying at times. the price tag attached to the demand isn't important, it is the whiny voice they use to ask...

grr<
my fault though.

Yes I think you've got a point Pagwatch but in a school context they're never going to experience knowing children from a full spectrum of backgrounds. Of course parents may scrimp and save for the fees but having the ability do so means that at the bare minimum the parents are comfortably off.

Fair point, hackmum.

We live in an affluent area so the average child at ds's state primary is quite well off - parents probably accountants or lawyers. I haven't seen or heard any boasting about who has expensive stuff - maybe he's too young (just started Year 5) or maybe I've just not noticed it. However, we walk past a private girls' school on the way to ds's and I have overheard some 'we've got this or that' stuff. And ds's friend who left to go private did start coming out with 'my school's better because I can do X or Y' but I think that was just justifying the move (which is because he wasn't doing terribly well and his parents wanted smaller classes). He also moans about his new school because he gets too much prep and is made to do it at school, after lessons!

"in a school context they're never going to experience knowing children from a full spectrum of backgrounds"

whereas at our local comp, you will?

i don't think you will.

Most people on an average wage of £25k couldn't even dream of scrimping and saving enough to pay average fees of £3,500 per term - that's the bulk of their take home pay!

I went to a private secondary. Most girls were nice but there were a few who were incredibly sheltered and really didn't have a clue, and a few who were quite contemptuous of anyone who didn't have the same background. As we've grown up, everyone I still know, even vaguely, has a normal existence - I don't think you could tell who is state and who is private among the legion of accountants and lawyers. Although I'm sure there are more who earn or whose husbands earn six figures than amongst the output of even a great comp.

pagwatch: "No. The op does not have a point.

She saw one incident with no context, no explanation, no background.

To dismiss a school because of one thing one child said on one occaion is dim."

But you're ignoring the context. What the OP said was this: "it did remind me that on the whole a lot of the people I went to private school with were very materialistic and quite narrow minded. AIBU for this to have jolted me to have a serious re-think?"

She hasn't dismissed the school. She's rethinking it because the incident reminded her of her own experience, which was clearly less than ideal.

"Most people on an average wage of £25k couldn't even dream of scrimping and saving enough to pay average fees of £3,500 per term - that's the bulk of their take home pay! "

true, also true: anyone with any money who cares about education will move out of area to get a better school.

in some comp catchments that makes the school socially monochrome.

My children attend parochial school. We definetly sacrifice many material things for their education. There is a mix of wealthy and middle class students at these schools. We have worked hard to help our children understand that our family resources are more limited than some of their peers. Only one of my children (14 yr old dd) is vexed about our lack of a vacation home, absence of a pony, or shiny new car. It is my responsibility to continue teaching her that money does not make one person better than another. She needs help understanding that people who make judgements based on your house size or bank account, are not worth befriending.
I believe private schooling is the best option for my children, based on a wide range of reasons. You must make the decision for your child based on her needs. Please don't let one squeeny little miss put you off private education, if you believe your daughter would benefit from that option.

comes back to the same point:

the ops school was materialistic. so was one of mine.
some of the people i went to school with were very narrow minded (it is just one of those facts of human nature)

these are not things you will only find at independent schools.

Edgar, in response to your question, yes it is much more likely as you don't automatically exclude a whole sway of people based on their inability to pay for their Education. If you're from an upper middle class background a 'local comp' is an option open to you and it is taken by some. So yes you're more likely to experience a full spectrum of backgrounds if you attend a school where no fees are necessary. My DP's from what would probably be described as an upper middle class Jewish background- grandparents had a house in Hampstead alongside extended family. His Uncle is a director of a very famous art gallery, despite their background all of the cousins went to the local state school. So I do think and know that you can get a full spectrum of backgrounds at non fee paying schools.

The same is not true of Independent schools but often that's what people are paying for or wanting- to rub shoulders with some of the 'best political minds' of their generation and keep the 'Old boys network' perfectly in tact!