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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum planning long haul holiday week my first baby is due - genuinely not sure if AIBU! Help!

114 replies

squeakymac · 22/09/2012 10:36

Looking for a bit of objective advice please!

Due first baby at the end of January - very excited! DM and I have had a reasonable relationship down the years, wouldn't be super close by any means, but has definitely improved recently, talk regularly etc. She and my dad are excited about their first grandchild.

She casually mentioned that she is looking into going on a planned trip (with a club she is in) to Africa for 2 weeks, the week after I'm due. She said that because the baby is going to be 'tiny' I probably won't need that much help. Wasn't exactly asking me would I mind her going, more probing. I was a bit bamboozled when she brought it up, but did say that I'd appreciate some help around the house at that time, but maybe wasn't clear enough that I would like her to be around, both for a little bit of practical help (but DH is taking a bit of time off work), but also because I want family to share in the whole special experience.

Want to bring it up with her to make it clearer to her that I want her around, but really unsure whether I'm being U!!?? (Also, she travels loads and has done this exact trip before, so not like it's a 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity....)

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

Leena49 · 22/09/2012 18:15

She probably did it for a reason. You sound a bit too dependant and needy. Your mum has had her children give her a break. They decide when they want to chip in and help and try to be grateful when they do!

lovebunny · 22/09/2012 18:20

the bane of most new mothers' lives are the grandmas who try to 'take over'/help out!
your dh will be around. its precious bonding time!
your mother is an absolute diamond. tell her you hope she enjoys her holiday and comes back rested and ready to give you a hand over the next few months. :)

sweetkitty · 22/09/2012 18:24

YABU with our first we were miles away from everyone and had no one to help around the house and didn't need anyone.

With no 4, born when we had one at school, one at nursery and one under 2, we still had no help (probably could have done with some) but we coped just fine.

As you will do just enjoy the time with your new baby.

redwallday · 22/09/2012 18:26

I don't think YABU at all. I'd have been gutted if my mum missed the birth of my children! She was there for both births and then came around lots to help afterwards. Her support was amazing and as much as I love my DH, he's a bloke and didn't get the female side of having a baby!

MistressIggi · 22/09/2012 18:39

Your mum has had her children give her a break

Op could give her a break alright, no need to have her round at all in that case. I'm alsd amazed asking for help round the house is seen as presumptuous - it is commonly accepted that if you visit a home with a newborn baby, you offer some help - whether that's bringing food, sticking the kettle on or hanging out some washing. Presumably you are visiting someoen you care about.

Chestnutx3 · 22/09/2012 18:47

She may be in denial at becoming a granny. Have you thought of that?

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2012 18:48

YANBU.
It's nothing to do with 'help', I just could not imagine not being there for the birth of a grandchild.
I would be desperate to know that they and my daughter were ok.

I had no family help when I had my DC - my mother had died many years previously - but my dad and my sister came at the weekend as that was as soon as Special Care allowed visitors. You couldn't have paid them to stay away.

I can see why you'd be hurt OP.

noblegiraffe · 22/09/2012 18:53

No one offered to hang out my washing when they came to visit the baby

jchocchip · 22/09/2012 18:57

I can see both sides of this but:

a) baby might be three weeks early or three weeks late and still be on time. It is only an estimated due date after all and first babies are often "late".
b) you may just want to stay in bed all day admiring your baby and do as little as possible while your hormones adjust and your milk comes in.

Just go with the flow and see what happens, your Mum may be around or not but once she is back from her trip she will dote on her dgc!

pugglefan · 22/09/2012 19:48

I agree with PP about having your mum help when your DH is back at work. It's a precious time for you both to get to know your new bundle, and having your mum around when your DH is back at work will be a sensible plan.

halcyondays · 22/09/2012 20:09

Yanbu to want her around to share in the experience. Apart from dh, I didn't have any practical help in the first few weeks after having dd1, which was ok, but my mil and my dad were keen to see her as soon as they could after she was born. And if one of my dds was expecting a baby when they're older, I'd want to meet my grandchild as soon as possible.

Knowsabitabouteducation · 22/09/2012 20:11

My experience of PFB - it was always planned that DM/DF would visit when DS1 was a week old, and PILs around the one month mark (they live abroad and needed time to get good flights).

This worked out fine.

In the first week, you can be quite sensitive to your bodily fluids (as someone mentioned early in the thread). It is no fun trying to latch on with an audience. It's not great to have guests when you have a sore undercarriage.

With a first baby, you don't need a lot of help beyond your DH. Presumably your house will be pretty clean and tidy, and between you and DH you can keep it so. Your DH's job is to keep you well fed as you will be starving and inhaling food. Still, it's only three or four meals a day. If he can't cope, there is always pizza delivery. The washing machine does the washing and you really don't need to worry about having everything ironed.

I found that when parents and PILs arrived, there wasn't anything for them to do to help. It was a case of sitting around or going out. If going out, it is easier to do so when you can latch without thinking about it and are comfortable down below.

I was very fortunate to have my PFB on his due date, but there is something like a five week window of 'normal'. It's a lot to ask of someone to put their life on hold because you want them to see a bit of vernix on the baby.

halcyondays · 22/09/2012 20:16

I don't think it's about the help so much. I just think it's a bit odd that someone wouldn't want to see their grandchild as soon as possible, especially as its a first grandchild. It's normal for them to be impatient to meet them, even if they aren't particularly the hands on, totally wrapped up in their gc, sort of gps.

thebeesnees79 · 22/09/2012 20:19

going against the grain here but I can totally understand why you would be upset.
A first baby is a new and scary experience and you want help from your mum because she has been there done it before.
I agree that it will be great to have her help after your Dh returns to work but the first week is also tough

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