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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum planning long haul holiday week my first baby is due - genuinely not sure if AIBU! Help!

114 replies

squeakymac · 22/09/2012 10:36

Looking for a bit of objective advice please!

Due first baby at the end of January - very excited! DM and I have had a reasonable relationship down the years, wouldn't be super close by any means, but has definitely improved recently, talk regularly etc. She and my dad are excited about their first grandchild.

She casually mentioned that she is looking into going on a planned trip (with a club she is in) to Africa for 2 weeks, the week after I'm due. She said that because the baby is going to be 'tiny' I probably won't need that much help. Wasn't exactly asking me would I mind her going, more probing. I was a bit bamboozled when she brought it up, but did say that I'd appreciate some help around the house at that time, but maybe wasn't clear enough that I would like her to be around, both for a little bit of practical help (but DH is taking a bit of time off work), but also because I want family to share in the whole special experience.

Want to bring it up with her to make it clearer to her that I want her around, but really unsure whether I'm being U!!?? (Also, she travels loads and has done this exact trip before, so not like it's a 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity....)

Thanks in advance! Smile

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 22/09/2012 11:14

The first special days are for you and your DH and your baby. That's your family. My parents cleared off as soon as I got back from the hospital post c-section because they didn't want to intrude on that time.

BoomerGold · 22/09/2012 11:17

YANBU to want your mother around to experience your first child together. I wouldn't expect her to help you, but it sure would be appreciated.

If my mother decided to do the same thing I'd think she was trying to hurt me on purpose by making sure she was away when my FIRST baby was due.

But then my mother wouldn't dream of doing that. Why does yours?

Decco · 22/09/2012 11:18

I think you are not unreasonable to feel this way, totally normal to want her to share in the excitement of the first few days of your first baby. Guess you just feel a bit sad she's not in that excited frame of mind yet.

She's not wrong either though. Difficult because my mum could not have gone away long haul (she did short haul) knowing a new baby was imminent. Maybe you could just say it would have been lovely to share the early days of the experience with her but you have plenty of other support so enjoy the holiday.

iwantsomepeachcookies · 22/09/2012 11:18

Oh of course YANBU! Ignore those who are saying yabu, if your mum had posted on here they'd tell her she yabu too, some MNers will argue with anyone. It is completely natural to want your mum around!xx

Inertia · 22/09/2012 11:19

Another one agreeing with posts above - for the first couple of weeks you'll just want it to be you, DH and baby until you start to feel human again. Last thing you want is mother and MIL taking it in turns to cuddle baby while you act as hostess. When DH goes back to work, you'll appreciate the company then.

The leaking milk and blood is something you're going to have to face up to BTW, possibly along with piles and stitches - you'll want a bit of privacy to deal with all this.

MissConstrued · 22/09/2012 11:19

YANBU I would hope that when my children go on to have babies of their own i will be here to help out and I wouldn't dream of taking a holiday at that time. It suprises me how many mumsnetters always say "its her life" "why should she help" etc. Family values have been lost somewehre along the line what is so wrong with a mother being around to help her won daughter with a once in a life time experience?.

Original poster
squeakymac · 22/09/2012 11:22

I don't think she's trying to hurt me on purpose but my sister thinks that she sometimes doesn't think that she's 'wanted'. Like when I had a miscarriage and was going out for lunch with my sister she was worried I wouldn't want her there, despite me saying to them both that I'd appreciate a chat.

Tricky balance between letting her know that I definitely want her around, and not demanding that she gives up a holiday....

OP posts:
frankie4 · 22/09/2012 11:22

YANBU

I have no idea why on MN everyone is so against the close extended family. I would have been very upset if my DM was not around when I had my ds. In particular, when my SIL had her dc she problems and her dc was in special care for a few weeks, she therefore really enjoyed having the moral support of her DM as well as her DH. For me, I will never forget the excitement when my DM and MIL came to see my DC who was only a few hours old, it was very special. I had a traumatic birth and was pleased my DM was around.

In many other cultures it is very normal for mothers to be around after their daughters give birth, just for moral support if nothing else. Of course, some women may prefer their DM to go on holiday!!

AThingInYourLife · 22/09/2012 11:28

YANBU

What kind of mother fucks off on holiday at such an important time in her daughter's life?

I guess you aren't as close as you thought.

You should adjust your expectations accordingly.

wisecamel · 22/09/2012 11:32

YANBU - but your mum will do what she wants to do, and there's no point in arguing with her at a time when you want her to be closer. My mum became distant when I had my first and I think it was because she was unhappy when she had me, suffered from PND and didn't want to be back in a place with a newborn around. She just didn't see the pleasure in it although she was really happy to write a cheque to help with nappies etc. That was her way of 'being there'. Since becoming secondary school age, my Dcs are of much more interest and have a good relationship with their grandparents, but she wouldn't babysit or anything until they were 8.

Cut your mum some slack and see how she is when she returns. It is sad for you though, particularly if you have friends with 'hands-on' parents. I found it hard to come to terms with. Good luck!

mayaswell · 22/09/2012 11:32

I didn't have a great relationship with my DM before I had DC's but she was worth her weight in GOLD when my first baby arrived, just having someone who had been through it was so reassuring. My DH was lovely but as clueless as me, and it was a very special time for all of us, thanks to her, my Dad, and my MIL.

Everyone is different, why not tell her how you feel if you can? Good luck with your new family. X

TheBrianRogersConnection · 22/09/2012 11:37

Oh of course YANBU! Ignore those who are saying yabu, if your mum had posted on here they'd tell her she yabu too, some MNers will argue with anyone.

Not everyone wants their mother there but may have a good relationship with her at the same time. It's good to hear how other people think on any given subject, isn't it without being short sighted, don't you think? My lovely mum did come after the birth of my first baby 12 years ago but it was like having a second child to look after so I politely refused the second time.

ShutTheFrontDoor · 22/09/2012 11:40

You sound very needy. Dh, Dmil and Dm - you want them all fussing over you.
How do you think single parents cope. ?

saffronwblue · 22/09/2012 11:41

YANBU

My DM walking into my hospital room 2 days after DS was born ( she lives a short flight away) was one of the high moments of my life and I believe hers.

pixiestix · 22/09/2012 11:41

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would have been gutted if my mum had gone on holiday when my DD was born. Rational or not, PFB or not, I wanted her around for help and advice - and for her to adore my baby loudly and often! Grin

MissConstrued · 22/09/2012 11:43

You sound very needy. Dh, Dmil and Dm - you want them all fussing over you. How do you think single parents cope. ?

How is wanting to spend time with your extended family being "needy"? Some people do get on in life on their own very well but wanting to have your mother around doesn't make you a "needy" person it is a natural thing

JeezyOrangePips · 22/09/2012 11:44

Sounds like she was looking for affirmation that you want her around in that case.

Tell her how you feel and see what she says.

Original poster
squeakymac · 22/09/2012 11:48

Lots of good advice here thanks all Smile

Believe me shutthefrontdoor I'm not needy Hmm, I'm extremely independent, which I think is why I may need to make more of an effort to communicate with DM that I do want her to be involved without expecting her to be if she doesn't want to be

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 22/09/2012 11:50

YANBU. After I had DC1, I was absolutely desperate to show my beautiful daughter to my mum - I had to wait a whole 19 hours! She also came up to stay for a few days after my DH had gone back to work, and although there were a couple of hairy moments (my hormones, her tactlessness) I'm so pleased she was there. I would have been horrified if she'd planned a holiday around that time. And I don't care if that makes me sound needy - I lived by myself for 16 years so hardly the type to "need" people - I just wanted her with me.

cutegorilla · 22/09/2012 11:51

YANBU I find my Mum hard work sometimes but she's been there when I had my babies and she's made herself useful and she wouldn't have missed meeting them asap for anything. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation to get a bit of support from your Mum when you have a baby. The way some MNers go on you'd think it was just a question of nipping out to Tesco and picking one up before breezily carrying on with your life. It's not. It's huge. It's a big deal physically and emotionally and you need help and support to recover from the birth and get back on your feet. Those who sneeze the baby out and carry on like it was no big deal are the lucky exceptions so don't feel the need to measure yourself against them.

I wouldn't push it because you don't want her there under sufferance and with bad feelings. It sounds like you will have the practical help you need and your DH will be around to support you emotionally. It sounds like you will have to manage your expectations wrt to your Mum and the baby. I suspect your MIL will become favourite Grandma!

MissConstrued · 22/09/2012 11:52

I think as long as you let her know you want her to be involved then your part is done. There is then no worry that she could be thinking you don't want her around. If she still chooses to go on holiday then there is no point wasting your energy being upset about it as you can't change her, even if what she is doing might not seem to be the "norm" in some peoples eye. Concentrate your energies on enjoying every minute of your new baby with you DH

EarnestDullard · 22/09/2012 11:53

I think YANBU to be a bit upset and to want her to want to be there; I'd feel the same about my Mum prioritising a holiday over the birth of my first baby. But YABU to expect her to be there. Some grandparents are more wrapped up in their grandchildren than others.

Actually though, is it possible that she's genuinely not sure if you want her there? Some new parents want time to themselves at first; maybe by mentioning the holiday she was also 'probing' to see if she'd be welcome or not.

googietheegg · 22/09/2012 11:54

I think people are being mean and forgetting how they actually felt when their pfb was born.
Yanbu. I would have been upset if my mum did this as it would feel like something so life changing for me wasn't important to her. She has loads of trips. Just say no!

googietheegg · 22/09/2012 11:56

Btw for me mil was deffo not the same as my mum at that time. We got on fine before but she was a total bitch that first week and I didn't say anything Sad and I'll never forget it. My mum excelled herself and I wasnt expecting it at all.

JeezyOrangePips · 22/09/2012 11:58

I know exactly how I felt when I had my first born.

I wanted my mum to come and see the baby, of course I did. But I was an adult, with an oh, and I didn't want my mum there all the time. If she didn't see the baby for two weeks I'd have had no problem with it. I wanted to be holed up in the house, just the three of us, and get to know the new baby.