Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum planning long haul holiday week my first baby is due - genuinely not sure if AIBU! Help!

114 replies

squeakymac · 22/09/2012 10:36

Looking for a bit of objective advice please!

Due first baby at the end of January - very excited! DM and I have had a reasonable relationship down the years, wouldn't be super close by any means, but has definitely improved recently, talk regularly etc. She and my dad are excited about their first grandchild.

She casually mentioned that she is looking into going on a planned trip (with a club she is in) to Africa for 2 weeks, the week after I'm due. She said that because the baby is going to be 'tiny' I probably won't need that much help. Wasn't exactly asking me would I mind her going, more probing. I was a bit bamboozled when she brought it up, but did say that I'd appreciate some help around the house at that time, but maybe wasn't clear enough that I would like her to be around, both for a little bit of practical help (but DH is taking a bit of time off work), but also because I want family to share in the whole special experience.

Want to bring it up with her to make it clearer to her that I want her around, but really unsure whether I'm being U!!?? (Also, she travels loads and has done this exact trip before, so not like it's a 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity....)

Thanks in advance! Smile

OP posts:
GoldShip · 22/09/2012 13:18

Can't believe I've just said that

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/09/2012 13:18

YANBU

Not for the first time I realise I live in a totally different world to a lot of people on mn. Pretty much everyone I know had help from their mothers when they had their first baby.

My mother and my in-laws helped when I had all my children and I was very very grateful for this.

My DH didn't take paternity leave so it was really invaluable.

And when my children come to have children it just wouldn't occur to me to go on holiday when their babies were due.

exoticfruits · 22/09/2012 13:21

Hopefully you won't have the sort of dc on here who is always moaning because they just want time to themselves without mother or MIL, MrsCB.

Of course YANU. Your mother is excited, she isn't going for 2 months and she will see the baby soonish-in the meantime you have DH.

Original poster
squeakymac · 22/09/2012 13:25

goldship I am v laid back about the house but used to have a cleaner before I moved, looking for a new one Blush!

Meant more 'practical' baby-related stuff like how to dress them, how to wash them, watching it when I'm in the loo / shower.... but even more importantly moral support

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 22/09/2012 13:26

I hope not exotic Smile My in-laws in particular were fantastic and with my second child who was in NICU they basically set up home in a nearby b&b for 2 weeks to help out.

Myliferocks · 22/09/2012 13:26

I can't decide whether yabu or yanbu.

I didn't want or have my mum on hand for any of my 5 children. My PIL cme to look after the other children while I was in labour or giving birth but as soon as I got home after the 6 hour discharge they went home and left my OH and myself to it.
I get on really well with both my mum and my PIL's but just didn't want them here.

GoldShip · 22/09/2012 13:26

YANBU then :)

Tis a shame you might not have that support. But least you won't have her fussing! Lots of you and baby time :)

Hope your pregnancy (and birth) go brilliantly!

MsVestibule · 22/09/2012 13:27

Goldship Nor can I. Why did you Confused?

GoldShip · 22/09/2012 13:29

Because from her OP it seemed she wanted her mum more for housework. Since reading her reply I realised I was wrong :)

And I said 'I can't believe' because I'm usually the last person to say get a cleaner.

exoticfruits · 22/09/2012 13:30

The problem seems to be, MrsCB that if grandparents read MN, with all the miserable people who want to police visitors and have time 'to bond,' they won't dare go near!

differentnameforthis · 22/09/2012 13:31

You are being unreasonable. There will be many more special moments in your child's life.

Aside from which, when I had both my daughters I just wanted it to be & dh so I could take it easy & not feel obliged to entertain!

nulgirl · 22/09/2012 13:31

My mum was away when my dd was born. It was a prearranged holiday with my grandparents who were too frail to go alone. I didn't say anything but I was gutted that she chose to be away. We are a very close family and I kept on expecting her to walk through the hospital door.

I know why she did it as my grandparents really needed her but she now says that she wishes that she had flown home for the day (elective csection so we knew the date) . She really regrets not being there and I wish that I had told her that I needed her.

Why don't you talk to your mum and explain how you feel. She may not realise that you want her there.

MsVestibule · 22/09/2012 13:33

Goldship Go on then, I'll let you off this once Wink. And a belated happy birthday to you, too.

GoldShip · 22/09/2012 13:35

Haha much appreciated Wink

Thankyou! Second birthday night out tonight Wine

ovenchips · 22/09/2012 13:43

If it meant your mum wasn't going to be around for the first couple of months then I wouldn't blame you for being disappointed and feeling she was going to miss out.

But she might miss nothing (if I understand correctly) or 1-2 weeks at most? Personally I don't think those first few days are this incredible special memory time. I felt like I'd been run over by a lorry and was struggling so much after a traumatic birth and with breast feeding (with my first) that I sort of operated in a dim hinterworld and couldn't really give a shit who was around, as long as DH was.

Once I'd established bf and my body didn't feel quite so mashed, that felt like the special time, and so maybe you could still share this with your mother.

My Dh had paternity leave so we were just all wrapped up together for that time. When he went back to work, god, that would have been a fantastic point for mothers/in laws to zoom in.

So please don't think anything is spoiled. I hope you get to grips with motherhood smoothly and get the support you want at the right time for you. Good luck with everything!

CMOTDibbler · 22/09/2012 13:55

I don't blame you for feeling disappointed - my ils went on holiday (to their villa they spend 5 months a year in) 6 weeks before ds was due, would have been back 3 weeks after his edd. He was born at 35 weeks, so they didn't see him till he was 10 weeks old since they were too tired when they got back to travel to see him. My parents were too frail to come either. And it made me feel like complete shit in the hospital where we were for the week with ds in SCBU that not one family member visited us.
But we coped on our own - dh had saved all his holiday for that year in order to have 2 weeks off to begin with then 2 days a week for 5 weeks

AThingInYourLife · 22/09/2012 14:51

"You sound very needy. Dh, Dmil and Dm - you want them all fussing over you. How do you think single parents cope. ?"

:o

Winner of the daftest ever "how do you think single parents cope?"

:o

Poor single parents, no mothers nor nothin'. They don't know nobody to be excited about their baby :( :o

Hanikam · 22/09/2012 17:12

YANBU. From my own experience it is a taste of things to come. DH and I have done it all by ourselves with virtually no family support. It's normal to expect Granny to help out. It was how our own mothers coped after birth. In today's world it's all different. Families get together for a party, but not for mutual support following death / illness or birth. I suffered a lot of heartache with very similar situation to yours. It's taken a long time to realise my parents priorities are not the same as their own parents were. Very sad, but very common.

skateboarder · 22/09/2012 17:27

Op you say you are not needy. I was not and would say im not needy now after becoming a mum. I was vulnerable though in a way i cannot describe. I wasnt expecting to feel like that but i did. You do not know how you will feel. My mum did a lot of things, many were small but immeasurable (sp). They showed she cared. So i would just say tell her how you feel now.

nannyl · 22/09/2012 17:35

YABU

My mum arrived 2 days before OHs paternity leave finished

i think this worked the best, as 2 weeks in i think we needed her a bit more then than day 1!, also once OH was back at work it was nice to still have someone to bring my drinks and snacks etc as i spent almost all day every day and most of the night breast feeding

(I had a baby who fed every 1hr 45 mins for at least an hour, often nearer 1 hour 20mins, so i had very limited oppertunity to do anything except use the loo and have a drink before starting all over again!)

noblegiraffe · 22/09/2012 17:35

My mother didn't cope after birth with help from her mum, her mum lived in a different country, as did her MIL. Things aren't necessarily different these days.

CPtart · 22/09/2012 17:52

"Help around the house???!!!" How presumptious. Something we certainly never had.
Can't the pair of you get on with it?

BlueSkySinking · 22/09/2012 17:55

If you want help it best for her to arrive the day after DH goes back to work.

Kalisi · 22/09/2012 18:07

I know that in a logical ideal world YWBU for expecting your Mum to drop everything around your due date but I'm with the OP on this one, I would have been absolutely gutted if my parents were not around for the birth\first weeks of my first child ( and tbh wild horses could not have torn my Mother away!!) I probably wouldnt have said anything in your sitiuation but I would be quite upset. Especially considering DS went through a lot of complications as well, my parents were such a rock for DH and I

AnOldieButNotSoGoody · 22/09/2012 18:15

I understand the fantasy of having your mum there in the early days but in realty ime you need space and time with just you and your baby and dh to a degree.

It's exhausting, emotional, very draining and you cry at the drop of a hat.

Let her go with your blessing, get those first hellish few weeks out the way and then have fun on her return.