Mum planning long haul holiday week my first baby is due - genuinely not sure if AIBU! Help!

[squeakymac]

Looking for a bit of objective advice please!

Due first baby at the end of January - very excited! DM and I have had a reasonable relationship down the years, wouldn't be super close by any means, but has definitely improved recently, talk regularly etc. She and my dad are excited about their first grandchild.

She casually mentioned that she is looking into going on a planned trip (with a club she is in) to Africa for 2 weeks, the week after I'm due. She said that because the baby is going to be 'tiny' I probably won't need that much help. Wasn't exactly asking me would I mind her going, more probing. I was a bit bamboozled when she brought it up, but did say that I'd appreciate some help around the house at that time, but maybe wasn't clear enough that I would like her to be around, both for a little bit of practical help (but DH is taking a bit of time off work), but also because I want family to share in the whole special experience.

Want to bring it up with her to make it clearer to her that I want her around, but really unsure whether I'm being U!!?? (Also, she travels loads and has done this exact trip before, so not like it's a 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity....)

Thanks in advance!

I found it a little hard that my dad was really I'll when DD was born so my Mum was unable to come. She came when DD was a month old and actually with hindsight this was much much better. I don't think if she had been there immediately after DD was born I would have really noticed those whole first two weeks are a blur. When they did come both DD and I were more settled we got to go for walks, have coffee and really enjoy time with DD.
Obviously this is just my own experience, but at the time I did feel a little like you do now. This is giving you a little bit of the benefit of hindsight.

As it's a club holiday, she's not in charge of dates. And as babies don't don't necessarily turn up exactly when expected (anywhere between 38-42 weeks counts as term, and some babies are earlier) then how much she might miss isn't certain anyhow.

So you might find that she's there for the early days anyhow, and if not I think you might find that her presence a bit later when DH returns to work would be a good thing. And there are hundreds of special days ahead of you throughout childhood.

I think you are having a very normal reaction to the disappointment that once again the closness you hope for is not forthcoming.

I think it is wholly reasonable to mourn that.

However I think love maybe you should consider protecting yourself a little more, by anticipating less closeness than you'd like, so if you get more than expected it is a lovely happy surprise, which is a whole lot easier to deal with than feeling disappointed.

You seem to open door and do your best to make her feel welcome. If she constantly views your overtures as a lack of welcome....there's not a great deal ypu can do about that.

She's your mum, this dynamic is hard, and it is understandable to stick to plugging away at trying to reach your goal of nearness. But there comes a time when the shoe has to be firmly placed on the other foot. It is now her turn to put the legwork in if she shares your aim of pulling closer together, becuase you are going to be very busy with the needs of a little, tiny human and building that maternal relastionship has to become the new priority.

This must be painful.

YADDDNBU . No one in my family would dream of doing that, not for first baby.

Some of the replies on here are very harsh. First babies - actually, all babies- are an unknown quantity. Some are little pudding who happily sleep and feed, others are wailing banshees who despite being lovely will test every reserve you have. And no one knows how they will react to having a baby.

IME you are likely to need all the support offered.

here's hoping your baby is early or late :)

Yanbu! My mum did the same thing and it really hurt that she'd chosen a holiday over being around to support me and being involved in the first few days of her gc's life. She then sulked because my Ils met the baby before she did. We've never had a very close relationship but that was the final nail in the coffin.

Its quite likely that your baby will be born later than its due date so your mum may well be on holiday when the baby arrives.

I totally understand why you feel snubbed TBH.

There is no way either of my parents would have planned a holiday when any of my children were due and we certainly dont live in each others pockets!

YANBU

yanbu. I'm 39 wks with my 1st and as wonderful as my DH is he can't actually know how I'm feeling, but my mum does. Mum has also been coming every week while I'm on maternity leave to do cleaning for me (I can't do it myself due to SPD) and just generally be supportive. She even texted earlier today to let me know she was going to the cinema, so I don't worry if I can't reach her for a couple of hours!!! It's also good to know that if anything happened to DH she is there as a willing and able replacement.

Would the YABU-ers on this thread not consider not booking a holiday if their DC asked them to?

"Without exception, every woman I know with grandchildren has been uncontainably exited as the due date gets closer, and then when the baby's born."

You've not met my mother then Shesparkles.

Not everyone has a decent set of parents. My mother totally RUINED my breaking the news conversation with her TOTAL lack on interest in me, my pg (her first GC) and actually said (after he was born) that she never wanted to be a GM, but that now she was getting used to it and enjoying it. Somehow that bell can never be un-rung in my head. I was pretty much ignored throughout my entire PG, and when she came to the hospital to see me, took my DS's dad down the pub, so I was actually left with LESS visitors than I had before she rocked up. When she visited me at home, she just sat in the kitchen being waited on hand and foot, not actually pitching in to help.

No, I got naff all support, my DSis got the flying visits, the staying over for a few days, the drop everything service.

OP, if you are hurt, TELL her. It may not make any difference to the choices, but if that is the case, you need to learn now that she ISN'T the Mum you can rely on, and to make sure that you don't get yourself into a position when she is all you have.

When you have your own child, you will learn that your own childhood may not have been as perfect as if could have been. I'm hoping that your mum will step up, but i don't sadly think she will.

I'd fly by flapping my own wings to be there for my DS, there is no way I'd ever leave him to be abused, or favour anyone else above him, I'd give him all the support, encouragement and advice I could, if that is what he wanted.

there are threads here to help anyone with mothers like these, the Stately Homes thread is a life line, a great place to sound out things and get perspective.

Shesparkles, you've not met my mil either. She says 'how's the baby?' to my DH on their weekly phone call and that's it. She happily tells people about DD apparently but I dont know where she gets her info from!

YANBU to be disappointed that it won't be just as you imagined ... but it wouldn't be anyway. Babies rarely go precisely according to plan and, however well prepared you are, you're going to be more preoccupied that you anticipate.

YABU to expect your mother to turn down a major holiday due to your baby's expected arrival, I'm afraid. It's a club trip so she didn't choose the dates. We have international phones these days, and even Skype. She'll be around for the weeks preceding and YEARS following the birth, but the club's only going to Africa once.

Please try to be gracious! Best wishes for an easy birth - enjoy your new baby! :)

YWBVU to ask her not to go.

YANBU to feel a little bit sad, but only a little.

I think it would be a little mean to make your mum feel guilty about going away, you might go well over your due date, you might have it early and she will be there anyway,

babies are very easy when tiny, you will manage, they don't do much at first anyway,

let your mum enjoy an amazing opportunity, she will be around from then on, as baby gets more demanding.

I bet the other grandparents on the trip will be very surprised when they hear that the baby's just been born/is still due. There's nothing you can do about it, but is it "normal" behaviour from a mum when daughter having first child? No it's not.

Great post SuoceraBlues

YANBU. My DD is still quite young, but if and when the time comes that she is expecting a baby, there is absolutely no way that I would be out of the country at the time!

Some people on here are being horrible. It's your first baby, of course you want the people you love to be around you and make a fuss of you and share in the experience.

"I bet the other grandparents on the trip will be very surprised when they hear that the baby's just been born/is still due. There's nothing you can do about it, but is it "normal" behaviour from a mum when daughter having first child? No it's not."

VERY good point there MistressIggi!

My mum didn't come and help out until my son was about 2 weeks old. She was much more needed and appreciated at that point than she would have been had she been there from his birth, to be honest.

By then DH had gone back to work, was settled and beginning to heal, and (most importantly) I had already started to find my own groove and confidence---which is really quite difficult to do when you have people in your face from the beginning.

Sorry, but if a dd of mine said that she'd appreciate some help around the house I would feel a bit hurt. Fine if you said you'd like her to be there for YOU, but to imply she was wanted there as the cook/washer-upper sounds awful! That's what partners are there for!

Wish my DM had gone on holiday. She didn't help around the house for the week she stayed with me - she helicoptered and told me what I should be doing in order to manage the housework/cooking etc and bring up a new baby. It was one of the most miserable weeks of my life.

Sorry, but if a dd of mine said that she'd appreciate some help around the house I would feel a bit hurt

Looking at the clues in the posts, I don't think her desire is actually for help around the house, I think it's more for the "normalacy" of a maternal relashionship where her mum would be chomping at the bit to come over and fuss over her daughter and first grandchild and make her feel special by mollycoddling her a bit.

I don't get a "pick up after me" vibe from this OP, more a "please love me back in a way that is less abstract and implied (and more visible and tangible)".

My mum was very good when I was expecting my first. She lives a flight away, so only visited a couple of times during the pregnancy. We booked flights for her to come 3 weeks after my due date, as I wasn't sure how I'd be feeling and she said she wanted to give me space if I needed it. I'd read so many horror stories on here about parents and ils demanding to be present at the birth and all sorts, trust me I felt very lucky!

As it turns out I felt like I could handle a visit sooner, about 2 weeks after the birth, which had been a week before my due date. The first couple of weeks, I was half dressed much of the time, I had a problem with my stitches (sorry) which meant I could hardly walk for a week, and I was trying to get that first poo out of the way. It wasn't the best time for visitors, especially overnight ones. You will appreciate the privacy I think.

I understand you are hurt, and I guess if my mum had announced she was going away at that time I could have felt a bit hurt too, but the practicalities of having people to stay at that time is a nightmare. Look on the bright side I say!

Or, if you feel you will want her around, how do you feel about mentioning to your sister that you're hurt. Myabe she could talk to her, test the water and see if your mum doesn't think you want her there?

Good luck with it all, and congratulations!

As meditrina says upthread
you can't predict right now when your baby arrives so even if your mum didn't go on holiday, there's no saying when you'd go into labour.

Your mum might still be adjusting to the whole idea of you being pregnant, sometimes it takes parents a while to accept you are forging your own family unit in becoming a mother yourself. She may consciously or subconsciously question whether she'll be redundant. You say your parents are excited, dwell on that, stay positive.

I don't think you sound "needy" or PFB. I'd take a deep breath, tell her to go on her travels, the 3 of you will be thrilled to see her & your dad when they get back. Honestly if your DH is taking paternity leave it may be a blessing in disguise if you can snuggle in and get into the new rhythm of having a newborn, forget the housework just rest up.

YANBU - she's your Mum. Your first baby, her first grandchild. However, it's probably best if you accept and move on or it could spoil the whole experience for you xxx

leecoakley as I said I wasn't expecting the conversation when she brought it up (and also jetlagged!) so am now a bit worried that I didn't make it clear enough to her that I'd like more than just practical support, but don't want to be overly demanding now by bringing the issue up again a few days later.

I'm leaning towards just saying to her that I'd look forward to her being around but that its totally her decision to make re. going away.

SuoceraBlues thanks for the thread recommendation I'll have a look. Great advice also.

YABU.

Get a cleaner.