To expect some help around the house/understanding from DH not just help with baby?

[aamia]

So - baby is 6 days old. Birth was okish but have lots of stitches so walking hurts if I do much of it, and I often pull them when sitting down. Very tired still irrespective of amount of sleep (lost a fair amount of blood too and am on iron tablets) and generally just normal new mum stuff.

DH will happily play with baby, change nappies, hold baby etc. That seems to be about it. Oh, and he'll cook - but he's always done that anyway. That leaves me with the following list:

• Cleaning the house (when I came home from hospital the kitchen and bathroom were awful and had to clean those that night before using them!)
• Tidying up (after himself would do!)
• Washing up/putting stuff away
• Organizing washing, hanging up, putting away
• Doing our horses - one of which is his... (he'll hold baby but I have to get them in which involves a fair amount of walking, then I make their feeds, change rugs, make sure they're ok and turn out again)

On top of that, he wants to go 'out' shopping and doing things. I made it to two shops, the horses and for baby's 5 day check yesterday, and felt so awful after all that I didn't even make much sense when trying to talk to anyone! Did have a go at him about that, but all he did was offer to look after baby for a couple of hours while I slept. So this morning I now need to clean up after him, clean kitchen and floor, wash up, tidy the living room and sweep floor, put washing on......

So - AIBU to expect some help with household chores whilst DH is off work on paternity leave????

its my third baby I bounced back a lot quicker with my second so hoping I do this time.
If I need help I will ask and I am happy with that.
I still maintain that she is expecting too much (in terms of her husband knowing everything that needs doing)
I would refuse to muck horses out after giving birth so is that her husbands fault or hers for doing it?

bees you are being very stubborn now just to make a point. I have recently had my 5th and as I said they were all different in terms of recovery.The last one wasn't easy to "bounce back" from,largely because I had other dc's to deal with but dh had pat leave and took sole charge of the house without any need for me to tell him. I think he looked at my pasty tired face and hobbled walk and realsied I wasnt up to much.

Are you seriously saying that you will continue to share the chores with your dh just after you have given birth because if you do then you are indeed a pushover.
Even if you feel able to run a marathon that time should be spend bonding and establishing feeding etc.

Just stop doing stuff. Look after the little one but sod the housework for a few days. I find that asking 'ooh could you just get me this' every time he sits down is also quite effective.

You pointed out that communication is important and you are very right however there are some things that shouldnt need to be communicated between a close loving couple and allowing time to rest after birth is imo one of those things.

I just think if she took it upon herself to tend to horses straight after giving birth then more fool her.
I will ask for help as and when I need it and I breast feed my kids so understand I will need to establish feeding etc. Difference with my and op is that I can and will ask for help and I will get help from my dh.

p.s I am stubborn because I know when I am doing too much and need help & all I have to do is ask

Well good luck with that then. Maybe after 3 babies though he wont need asking this time

Op life wont stop cos you dont clear up,you will never get this time again so enjoy it and dont do the horses then he will have to.

ledkr I agree the house work is bottom of the priority list after having a baby. My main worry when this baby is born is to have good healthy food available for the family.

before anyone asks, my dh is a shit cook and I will not be delegating that task to him, not unless we all want the trots! lmao

I don't know anything about horses, but I wouldn't let my cat starve if I thought my DH wouldn't feed her (an unlikely scenario as he loves the cat and she is rather assertive!), and horses need more doing than feeding. I don't think the OP can win really -- perhaps the bloke really is clueless enough that the horses would suffer?

OP you need to STOP with the horses and shopping. Dog hair on the floor can be low on priority list. All you need are food, clean worksurfaces and clean (unironed) clothes.
You have asked DH to help (though bees seems to have missed this and finally decided you haven't asked empatically enough). You now need to tell him and show you mean it by not doing it yourself.

FWIW I am with posters who think Dh should not need to be asked/told, but clearly right now the priority is to get him doing. A DH who works a 60 hour week with a SAHM who has taken responsibility for maintaining the house asking for help is entirely different to a 6 day post partum woman whose DH is on paternity leave.

6 days post birth you dont even need actual clothes either some nice comfy pj's will do maybe he'll get the message then that your not fit to be out and about used to be that mothers weren't meant to be out for at least 10 days post birth

wimblehorse I am due to give birth to number three anytime now (37 weeks pregnant)
& I will ask my dh for help regardless of the hours he works. He is self employed btw so probably won't even get paternity leave, unless we want no money for 2 weeks

It's not "helping" ffs!! It's his baby, his house, his horse and his mess. He shouldn't need asking to do his share, nor should he require a gold medal awards ceremony for it either.
I had an easy birth with ds, yet on day 6 I thought I'd stroll into town with the pram and a friend. After 15 minutes I had a 'funny turn' (me, who didn't even know 'funny turns' existed) and had to ring dh to come and get us in the car. Retired to bed for a couple of days. Don't forget that in our grandmothers' day, it was standard practice to have 10 days' bedrest after giving birth. Nowadays we tend to think that because they kick us out of the maternity unit after a few hours, we can nip straight back into the fields and pull up cabbages. Not necessarily.

Yy bees but you're still spectacularly missing the point (on purpose?) that
a) OP has asked and
b) it should be obvious to anyone of any gender with an ounce of intelligence that 6 days post partum with heavy blood loss and stitches should not be mucking out a horse and should offer to do it or just get on and do it. Especially if he is her dh.

clam. I'd completely forgotten I had a "funny turn" a few days after birth when my DM and I went for a walk down the hill with my sleeping baby to look at some bedding plants. As we started to walk back, laden with flowers, I felt sick, dizzy and faint and had to sit down on a low railing as I got tunnel vision, then could not see, for about 15 minutes. We tried not to panic and just waited for me to get better.

OP, please have a sit down and a rest. Enjoy your newborn and stop trying to do everything. Wear pyjamas and make it obvious that you need to recover.

"jump to attention"
"delegation"

These words and phrases imply that they are women's tasks and that husbands and partners are doing their womenfolk is doing a great favour by contemplating them.

Am totally gobsmacked by this thread. I had my first baby almost 23 years ago and even then my DH stepped straight in and looked after us without having to be told what to do. He cooked, shopped, cleaned, washed, ironed etc. I have never needed to give him instructions about any household task in all of our years together. It had always been a partnership, not me as household manager asking him to "help" fgs!

Why on earth are women still putting up with such shite relationships in this day and age? I would be mortified if my sons treated their partners like this - and they would get short shrift from me if they did. And from their dad!