To expect some help around the house/understanding from DH not just help with baby?

[aamia]

So - baby is 6 days old. Birth was okish but have lots of stitches so walking hurts if I do much of it, and I often pull them when sitting down. Very tired still irrespective of amount of sleep (lost a fair amount of blood too and am on iron tablets) and generally just normal new mum stuff.

DH will happily play with baby, change nappies, hold baby etc. That seems to be about it. Oh, and he'll cook - but he's always done that anyway. That leaves me with the following list:

• Cleaning the house (when I came home from hospital the kitchen and bathroom were awful and had to clean those that night before using them!)
• Tidying up (after himself would do!)
• Washing up/putting stuff away
• Organizing washing, hanging up, putting away
• Doing our horses - one of which is his... (he'll hold baby but I have to get them in which involves a fair amount of walking, then I make their feeds, change rugs, make sure they're ok and turn out again)

On top of that, he wants to go 'out' shopping and doing things. I made it to two shops, the horses and for baby's 5 day check yesterday, and felt so awful after all that I didn't even make much sense when trying to talk to anyone! Did have a go at him about that, but all he did was offer to look after baby for a couple of hours while I slept. So this morning I now need to clean up after him, clean kitchen and floor, wash up, tidy the living room and sweep floor, put washing on......

So - AIBU to expect some help with household chores whilst DH is off work on paternity leave????

I'm with ledkr, my husband isn't an idiot, or a child. He's a grown adult who also lives in this house. He might go out to work, but it's not as if I'm sat on my arse all day eating bon bons. When he is at home it's 50:50 childcare and house work. He helps make the mess, he can help clear it up too.

Agree and I dont thebees with the horses he shouldn't need asking shes at risk of ending up back in hospital if she does heavy work like that, housework DH still doesn't do unless asked [my fault] as it has to be my way.

Every relationship is different I guess but are you seriously saying that 6 days after giving birth a woman should have to say to her partner "can you please see to the horses darling?" Surely not.

The issue here is the timing of things. I have had 5 dc some sections and one very easy quick birth but I seriously dont expect to do much for a few weeks afterwards and I really dont expect my husband who inccidently saw me produce a large baby from my body.to have to be asked to help me whilst I recover,I really dont.

ledkr DH did basics washing etc but not like I did, with DS I was out in 12 hours and he was stopping me do things also made me stay in after DD2 for a day as DS was only 14 months and knew I couldn't sit still.

The horses fair enough but why can't she ask her husband? Is she scared of him or something? Its called communication.
I am sorry but when you have a baby its all about mucking in together, you mind the baby while I cook. You feed the baby while I clean. If you can't ask your husband for help and you are just going to wait for him to muck in then you have serious communication problems. Talk to him

As she mentioned, one of the horses is his horse. Surely she shouldn't have to ask him to look after his own horse?!

she should open her mouth and say something instead of moaning about it here. Like I said a good marriage is based on good communication. Last time I checked men are not telepathic!
If she asked and he said no, that's a different matter

as a house husband, I feel that your DH should be stepping up and doing the majority of household chores, so that you can recover from the birth. My wife tore and had to have 2 pints of blood and stitches. she had to stay in hospital for an extra week and when she came out with out baby I did everything so she could recover and heal.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to do these things, after all if he loves you and your baby he should being doing it anyway without having to be told.
Tell him to pull his finger out and get on with it, the more rest you get the quicker you will recover and then you can share the chore.
At this time all focus should be on the care of you and your baby. he should make it his priority to look after you.
take care, get better soon, and I hope you can sort things out.
Craig

I would say, 'clearly I can't do everything that needs doing round here whilst i'm in recovery. Will you be doing it or do want to employ someone else to do it?'

It's all about mucking in together, oh except I missed that part where her DH pushed a bowling bowl out of his nethers and had to be stitched up afterward.

surely if one partner is recovering then the other takes over physical tasks? without having to be asked?

Thanks for the thoughts :). I'm not a clean freak at all, just would like the floors not to have yesterday's mud/dog hairs etc all over them (dog and horses cause at least sweeping daily downstairs to be rather necessary), the kitchen sides/sink not to be growing forms of plant life, and not to have piles of 'stuff' to fall over in interesting places. Oh, and clothes to wear...

I have asked. I think I need to wear a sign tbh. 'Just because I am physically able to walk around a little, does NOT mean things are back to normal!'

And for reference - when he goes back to work I won't expect anything he doesn't normally do, except a little minding of his own child - but right now, he's at home all day!!!!

Well said, bleeding

If I'm harsh on the OP's DH, it's because I've seen firsthand my own DH take care of everything after my CS so I know it's something men are perfectly capable of, if they want to do it.

YANBU. You need to talk to DH and explain, sounds like he is a bit clueless and has no idea how you are feeling. Get the MW to have a word if you think it will help.

Stop doing the horses and going shopping. By attempting these things you are sending him the message that you are fine to do them.

Oh and congrats on your lovely new baby!

Expecting too much? Are you kidding bees? Even my clueless dh waited on me hand foot and finger after I had given birth and made sure the place was spotless/cooked/did the shopping.

I think you need to spell it out to him OP - as in 'I feel too ill to hoover, can you do it please?' if he says no then you need to have a conversation about employing someone who will and have a big row about why he won't when you are feeling more up to it!

Is there any way you could afford to get a cleaner in for a one off clean if the house is bothering you that much. I've had those one off cleans and they work really well. Better really than a weekly cleaner. A lot of people don't see the cleaning issue as being hugely important. Not just men. And if you do most of the housework he probably doesn't even realise what is involved just for the house to stay reasonable.

I know it is tedious to have to ask and ask and ask. I hate doing this.

Pulling your own weight is not 'helping'.

You don't ask, you tell if he's not pulling his.

The horses? His job. Tidying up after himself? Oh, please.

YANBU.

valiumredhead That is the point I am trying to make. what's the gain in doing everything and stomping round all angry because the husband is enjoying his new baby. Ask him or better still tell him. I am going to sit and feed baby while you see to the horses. Problem solved and no resentment. Resentment breeds contempt

Sorry bees I thought you meant that because he cooks the OP out to be grateful for that alone.

You are not being unreasonable at all, BUT from the sounds of it, he doesn't normally do these things? Why the hell not? Seems crazy to wait until you are physically and emotionally exhausted post birth and then suddenly expect him to stop being pandered to and do what he should be doing anyway. Thing is, you are still doing them which is mental. STOP!

If he suggests shopping again just tell him no you don't feel up to it - good God I was barely out of bed when ds was 6 days old!

valium god no, I just think if you are struggling rather than getting resentful and angry you should speak up. its not good for anyone to brood over things.
But you can't complain in my books if you can't ask, simple. want something doing open your trap

This thread is really sad :(

Why should the OP have to tell her partner how to use a fucking WASHING MACHINE, for the love of God?

bees absolutely!

aamia please listen to ledkr, she speaks sense.

YADNBU

Well no in ideal world no one should have to tell anyone how to use a washing machine Ariel but seeing as the OP does have to, she needs to be very direct and tell him straight out he needs to do stuff and pull his weight.