To expect some help around the house/understanding from DH not just help with baby?

[aamia]

So - baby is 6 days old. Birth was okish but have lots of stitches so walking hurts if I do much of it, and I often pull them when sitting down. Very tired still irrespective of amount of sleep (lost a fair amount of blood too and am on iron tablets) and generally just normal new mum stuff.

DH will happily play with baby, change nappies, hold baby etc. That seems to be about it. Oh, and he'll cook - but he's always done that anyway. That leaves me with the following list:

• Cleaning the house (when I came home from hospital the kitchen and bathroom were awful and had to clean those that night before using them!)
• Tidying up (after himself would do!)
• Washing up/putting stuff away
• Organizing washing, hanging up, putting away
• Doing our horses - one of which is his... (he'll hold baby but I have to get them in which involves a fair amount of walking, then I make their feeds, change rugs, make sure they're ok and turn out again)

On top of that, he wants to go 'out' shopping and doing things. I made it to two shops, the horses and for baby's 5 day check yesterday, and felt so awful after all that I didn't even make much sense when trying to talk to anyone! Did have a go at him about that, but all he did was offer to look after baby for a couple of hours while I slept. So this morning I now need to clean up after him, clean kitchen and floor, wash up, tidy the living room and sweep floor, put washing on......

So - AIBU to expect some help with household chores whilst DH is off work on paternity leave????

Oh dear Lord - I have just realised you are getting the horses in OP - NO NO NO FFS, you have just had a baby!!

Taking responsibility for running a household IS PART OF LOOKING AFTER A BABY.

Making sure there are clean clothes, buying groceries, keeping a basic level of hygiene, creating a safe and healthy environment for a baby to be raised in - THIS IS PART OF LOOKING AFTER A BABY. Not just cuddling it and taking it out in a buggy.

i think this is a big problem for new mums who have not already got a pattern of shared housework/chores with their husband. They need a partner who will pull their weight and not expect to be looked after like an extra child.

But if you haven't already established a template for sharing work, it's hard doung it with a new baby, when tiredness and emotion are big factors. Do you have a relationship where you generally do everything 'domestic' and is this this something you have agreed between you, and are happy with? Is it just for the time being with a small baby you want help, or do you want things to change longterm?

Whichever, you need to address it now. Otherwise, the times when your husband takes the baby off your hands will simply be time when you get to cook, clean and shop. Even just to keep on top of the basics, I'm not for a moment suggesting you should be 'keeping house' to any sort of high standard atm.

You seem to be doing a LOT of activity for someone with a 6 day old baby.

You do need to think what it is you want him to do, be specific, and be prepared for him to get huffy and sulky when you ask. i.e. you will need to be the grown up.

I know, valium. And that is what is making me sad. Why didn't her partner know before? How did he ever do his own washing?

One of the reasons so many men are so useless around the house is because they have been allowed to be. Disclaimer: of course there are other reasons.

DH can't use our current machine last one was on same programme electronic annd just needed to press start this one needs setting he gets confused over it [gives up]

Try and just ignore the stuff that can be left for now, you have a brand new baby which you and DH should be enjoying. he sounds like he is which is great!

Congratulations

Have you thought about a doula or cleaner for a while?

Oh amd can you get someone to do the horses? take care of yourselfx

If you said my dh can't use a mobile phone, or doesn't know how to use a shower to get himself clean properly or can't get a round in in the pub because he doesn't know how or can't remember. Everyone would think he was a twat or had very specific Sn.

If you replace mobile phone with washing machine, showering with cleaning and getting a round in with going shopping lots of people start thinking its ok! It's fine that a fully grown adult cannot wash clothes in a machine or needs complete and detailed instructions every time from another adult otherwise they get it wrong.

I'd be embarrassed to have agreed to spend my life with such a dimwit to be frank.

Op tell him to do the horses and the cleaning or tell him to find someone to pay to do it. If he's got time to be shopping, he's got time to be looking after the horses. I'd also tell him that I couldn't bring up a child with someone so incompetent if he didn't shape up sharpish. But I'm not being fair probably as he is a man and 'they don't see dirt' aNd now apparently don't realise horses need to be fed and looked after too.

Your stitches aren't going to heal if you are uncomfortable and doing that much activity with the horses, which is very physical; this should be taken over by your DH for the time being.

Also you will not be able to produce much breastmilk (apologies if f/f) if you are using all your energy to do all the housework, especially as the loss of blood from birth needs to be replenished with good food and rest. The iron tablets are supposed to help you recover quicker, but if you are doing too much now, you are going to have a slump and feel very ill, once the happy hormones start to wear off.

Standards will have to slip. Ask your DH to do a few more things and don't tut if they aren't done as well as you'd like. It is great that your DH is so keen to be with the baby, but he needs to cherish you too.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby x

I hate asking for help, I admit that. but and its a big BUT i always feel I can ask my dh to help.
I won't ask externally (my parents/his parents etc) because I feel if people want to help they offer. However when you have a family its your family (his and you) so its expected. Again another big but if you are unhappy with what he is doing then tell him.
I would die a death if my husband just started cooking tea with out being asked to. That's why in my first post I said you were expecting too much. He is not telepathic and if you don't speak up he will think you are managing.
I think after my first I done nothing for a good 6 weeks but I am very good at telling my dh what needs doing as I understand his role changed from being a man to a father and it takes time to adjust. My family offered help with cooking meals (I was wasting away literally) & the house got messy.

I agree thebees lots of negotiation needs to go on, as a baby is a major life changing event. Everyone needs to adapt and try to find fair solutions to deal with the changes to family life sooner rather than later.

greenhill a first baby is a huge shock to the system isn't it? Me and my dh did not realise what a change it would be and it took us ages to adjust. Both parties need to adapt to new roles and its unfair to expect major changes after just 6 days. communication is very very important.
good luck op once you all adapt to the earth shattering first baby its enjoyable and amazing.

thebees Yes, everything you read about a new baby gets thrown out of the window, when your baby doesn't do as predicted, or you are more tired than you ever thought possible.

As I'd had a time pressured, long hours culture job I adapted to the lack of sleep, but I found it difficult not to be autonomous. I wanted to do everything myself and would bicker pointlessly with my DH about how things ought to be done, rather than taking a step back and just being thankful that I didn't have to do everything. I still prompt him to notice mess that can be cleared up 5 years down the line, but try not to sweat the small stuff and negotiate a lot more.

Beesknees, you say that men need telling that the wshing needs to be done ? Who tells you that it needs to be done ? The fairies ?

'I hate asking for help, I admit that. but and its a big BUT i always feel I can ask my dh to help.'

A person pulling his/her own weight is 'help'? Who wiped these mens' arses before they found a person with a vagina other than their mother to do it?

I don't dish out what I can't take myself and someone not pulling their own weight is someone I couldn't be arsed with, tbh.

Seriously, who are these man-children? It's 20-bloody-12 for god's sakes.

Someone "helping" implies that it's not their job, they're just "assisting" with someone else's job. Housework is everyone's job.

Even when he goes back to work OP, you need to agree an acceptable split of chores. DH and I didn't achieve this until he became a SAHD for the summer and I was working 80+ hour weeks, and all of a sudden he realised that just because the other partner is working full time doesn't mean they get a free pass on life-work!

Why the fuck are you mucking out horses 6 days post birth??

Put your pyjamas on, go and sit on the sofa and cuddle your baby. And get your lazy, selfish twat of a husband to deal with the domestic stuff.

thebees you poor woman. I pity you married to such an idiot that can't cook a meal without waiting for instructions. Why should it be such a big BUT that he should involve himself in domestic jobs.

Jesus fucking wept threads like this make me RAGE

no one tells me Nigel I am just saying if her husband isn't pulling his weight in areas she wants then open her mouth and ask.
I am obey of those people who gets on with stuff but if I was struggling (as the op clearly is) I would have no problem in delegating stuff that needs prioritising.

one not obey sorry. my predictive text!!

thebees she said she'd asked but he doesn't seem to take it in

^^ What Alibaba said

Why on earth does the responsibility of caring for horses - which sounds like hard, physically draining work - fall upon the person who this week pushed another small person out of her body, losing both blood and genital integrity ?

How dare he wander round the house being a mess-making, washing -neglecting, horse -ignoring twat while you are struggling to recover?

Just ask him how he'd feel about mucking out horses a couple of days after pushing a watermelon out through his nether regions.

He shouldn't need telling what to do - but clearly he does. I don't know why you are doing all this, and I don't understand how you're not angry at his lack of consideration.

no one tells me Nigel

What a surprise. So how do you manage to work out what needs to be done yet it's fine for a man to be incapable of doing so ?

How do these useless twats entice women to shag them?

And more importantly, how can we have them exterminated?