To expect some help around the house/understanding from DH not just help with baby?

[aamia]

So - baby is 6 days old. Birth was okish but have lots of stitches so walking hurts if I do much of it, and I often pull them when sitting down. Very tired still irrespective of amount of sleep (lost a fair amount of blood too and am on iron tablets) and generally just normal new mum stuff.

DH will happily play with baby, change nappies, hold baby etc. That seems to be about it. Oh, and he'll cook - but he's always done that anyway. That leaves me with the following list:

• Cleaning the house (when I came home from hospital the kitchen and bathroom were awful and had to clean those that night before using them!)
• Tidying up (after himself would do!)
• Washing up/putting stuff away
• Organizing washing, hanging up, putting away
• Doing our horses - one of which is his... (he'll hold baby but I have to get them in which involves a fair amount of walking, then I make their feeds, change rugs, make sure they're ok and turn out again)

On top of that, he wants to go 'out' shopping and doing things. I made it to two shops, the horses and for baby's 5 day check yesterday, and felt so awful after all that I didn't even make much sense when trying to talk to anyone! Did have a go at him about that, but all he did was offer to look after baby for a couple of hours while I slept. So this morning I now need to clean up after him, clean kitchen and floor, wash up, tidy the living room and sweep floor, put washing on......

So - AIBU to expect some help with household chores whilst DH is off work on paternity leave????

Right, on my orders, stop doing any work now!

and especially the horses!

Get to bed.
your DH should be doing everything - that includes the horses, the dogs, exercising and cleaning them.

When I was 6 days after birth, I had had iron tablets and several billion stitches too, and I could just about make it downstairs!

stop now.
You will reduce your recovery.

Tell him what to do. make him have his phone on him at all times, and you have yours.
the only things you should be doing are eating, drinking, feeding that baby, taking your tablets and resting

he should be doing everything else.

Nigel you are missing the point I am trying to make. Communication is 100% crucial in a working marriage, if the op can't ask her dh to d xy & z then there is something wrong.
If I was on a 14 hour shift (prior to children obviously) I would leave a list of jobs that I wanted my husband to do. Things like wash my uniform or load the dishwasher. He has never complained about it & why secretly be pissed off with someone for failing to are what needs doing when you could just tell them?

I have asked. I think I need to wear a sign tbh. 'Just because I am physically able to walk around a little, does NOT mean things are back to normal!'

Sounds like shes talking to a brick wall.

Sorry bees, I think you're the one missing the point: namely, that no woman should have to tell a man what needs doing.

A man should know the dishwasher needs loading without having to be told. A man should know his horses need taking care of without a woman telling him.

This is not about different standards of clean or asking for special favours, these are basic household tasks that are perfectly obvious to anyone with a brain. The OP should not have to ask her DH to do them. What's even worse is that apparently she has asked and he still can't be bothered. Tosser.

thebees - not everyone wants to have a managerial relationship with their husband, such as you advocate.

Delegating a task means it is your responsibility to make sure it gets done.

Looking after your wife after she has had a baby is a husband's job.

Tidying up after yourself is the responsibility of everyone over the age of 6.

This man is failing as a husband and as an adult.

And he is ignoring his wife.

Because he is a useless, lazy wanker.

and when he goes back to work, he will still be responsible for the lion's share of the work.

You will be responsible for the changing and feeding and looking after the baby when he's at work, and he will take over at home.

DH went back to work after 3 weeks, and I still felt like death warmed up, and still needed to rest most of the time.
In fact, I think I spent most of that first day on my own wondering how on earth I was going to cope each and every day on my own, and crying.
It wasn't shit, I coped, but only because I put DD down in her moses basket for the 20 minutes it took me to make myself some food, change my underwear (and all that entails), brush my teeth and set myself up on the settee with the remote control.
and as soon as DH came home from work, he took over.

managerial haha funny! Its called communication, something many of you seem to grasp.
I have been happily married for 10 years and both of us know how to talk. If one of us has a gripe we discuss it rather than let it fester and resent each other. So what if you have to ask, if the result is stuff gets done what's the problem?

bees you have back tracked spectacularly since you first posted. You actually told the op she was expecting to much and are now saying its about good communication.
It will be a cold day in hell before I have to ask my dh to do things that need doing in his own house and I do actually expect him to understand that my fanjo is sore after I have pushed out a baby to the point of it tearing and needed stitching up. Hes not that stupid really is he?

bees she has asked. Result is that stuff only gets done when she does it. Ergo, he's a lazy useless twat who thinks he's back in the 1950s.

Inertia - exactly!

OP I suggest you offer your DH the following scenario -

"DH, you have fallen arse-first onto a melon which has had to be extracted with maximum force; you now have a massive, stitched up wound between your legs that hurts every time you move; you've lost blood and are anaemic, you aren't getting much sleep, you are Tired. Now, please go and do all the Hoovering, sweeping, mucking out, etc etc and don't forget to attach a small limpet-mouthed mammal to your nipples at regular intervals."

You need to tell him.

Back in the dawn of history when I had ds1 you were kept in hospital for 6 days even after the most straightforward labour and birth. I'm not necessarily suggesting a return to this but for sure, it gave you some really helpful time to concentrate on yourself and your baby without any pressure to run around at home like a domestic drudge.

You are doing far too much, OP. Your dh needs to do a great deal more than hold your new baby (congratulations!) while you do the hard work. If he can't use his own initiative and get on with helping then write a list of the things that need doing and get him to pull his weight and get on with them. Alternatively, and if this is possible, consider getting paying for a cleaner. But for sure, he needs to be doing the horses at the moment.

I am happy living with good communication. I think she is expecting too much for him to just jump to attention and know exactly what needs doing. A little delegation never hurt anyone.
I have 2 small children age 3 & 5 & i am almost 37 weeks with our third. We would not have survived with out me asking him to do xy& z & he has never complained. what's the problem?

p.s men are not mind readers if your not happy don't huff and puff and get on with it, open your mouth and say it

p.s men are not mind readers

I don't think the OP is expecting him to develop new found skills in clairvoyance. But using his initiative would be a good start and there's no reason why his gender excuses him.

obviously her husband lacks initiative so what should she do. A) carry on doing everything whilst deeply resenting him or B) tell him what he can do to help
Am I speaking Japanese because I really can't see what's wrong with what I am saying? Or maybe I am a push over?

You aren't coming over as a push over, beesknees. Quite the opposite. But I don't see much evidence of people disagreeing with the need for the OP to tell her husband she needs more help. The problem seems to be that he has rather selective hearing.

I just relayed the content of this thread to DH, and he made the comment that it doesn't take a genius to work out what needs to be done in a house, and that when I had just given birth, I wasn't in any fit state to do any housework.
he took it as read that that's what DHs do when DWs have just given birth!

and he was shocked that he's making you muck out the horses!

"We would not have survived with out me asking him to do xy& z & he has never complained. what's the problem? "

you shouldn't have to ask him.

if you're divvying up tasks, then it's "i will do this, this and you can do this, this" but to say "oh, you need to do this" is ridiculous!
he's not a baby, you're just allowing him to be lazy.

Frankly, the fact that you are mucking out horses 6 days after giving birth is deplorable, let alone everything else you are doing.
Your husband is beyond selfish.
You need to stop right now and concentrate on you and baby.
I hate threads like this - makes me bloody mad.

but that's what we do. I look after the kids while you cook etc etc. He takes kids out while I clean. If the op's husband is not listening (i don't get the impression she is pressing the issue) then he needs a huge kick up the arse. But it sounds to me like she is puffing and huffing rather than asking?

One doesn't have to read minds to realise that someone who has just had a baby has a sore fanny and is a little tired.

bees you aren't speaking japanese no but at the begining of the thread you told the op she was expecting to much from her dh.
Maybe re read it and then clarify for the record.

Imo there is a big difference between saying "can you hoover whilst im out today love?" and having to tell your babies father that you are in no fit state to be mucking out stables or traipsing around town after giving birth.

bees also in about 3 weeks when you give birth will you be expecting to continue sharing the household tasks cos im damn sure i wouldnt be.

Men also need to adapt into fatherhood. Don't be afraid to write him a list. His unwillingness to help with the baby could from not knowing how to do things. Why not ask him to hire you a cleaner/pay someone a few bob to muck out the horses? Even if it's for a week, it could just help you have some breathing room.