Upadate thread, outed IRL.

[catfourfeet]

Hi all,

name changed as my_sis has "found" me on mumsnet.

Prety easy to work out though

Back story

Dh sever amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy 2 years+

He never and I mean NEVER initiates talks about his illness, treatment, therapy etc with anyone, not me, not friends, not members of my family appart from , strangely enough, my_sis.

My dh has, under the "guidance" of mysis _

going to several medical appointments

given my_sis, K, access to his medical notes

attended a mediation meeting with my_sis to help me and DH "as a couple"

organised a second opinion for DH

At Dh's request their conversations are "private and confidential" and he didnt want me to know about all the appointments etc.

Left my young ds ( 7 and 9) unsupervised in mysis car / playing in a car park for an hour whilst she and dh went to an appointment and then mysis lied about how long the ds were alone.

Put dh on a train , on his own , in the middle of the night to go up to stay with my evil sil. He had no idea where to get off or why he was on the train.

Arranged for DH to have his own car. whilst using this car he got lost on the M-way for 9 hours and had to be brought home by the police.

I found out about all this by chance, by luck,by trawling through my DH's phone, i was NEVER told directly my my_sis

Dh has been at hissis for the last 7 weeks._

I have no direct means of contact, I can only leave messages on dh_sis voice mail.

Dh's mobile number has been changed.

I have called day after day after day and get no response.

Dh has not spoken to the dcs in 3 weeks.

Mysis is in contant contact with dhsis and dh.

no one in Dh's family will speak to me.

All his benefits have been tranferred from the family a/c.

He has frozen our all our bank a/c.

my AIBU is

My_sis does not feel that she has done anythign wrong AT ALL and actually thinks that she is "only trying to help".

I am made to feel as though I am the one in the wrong, I am the "evil" one.

Sooooooo, oh wise and wonderful ladies, play devils advocat, show me her side, make me realise that I AM being unreasonable

lol !!! Kleptronic

Cat, you do not have any power over what they think, do or say. You do have power over how they affect you and your children's lives. It will do no good letting things go on as they are. You can choose to let them rule your every waking moment, or wean yourself off this calumny and forge a separate life for yourself and your kids. You can choose.

cat, I remember your threads and I'm sorry to say that you will probably just have to move on. Divorce him. Grieve for the man he was. Let your children grieve for the Dad he was.And accept that the man he is is not the same man and that he can't be that Dad. That life is gone.

The sis and the SIL? Cut them off. I don't know the back-story and can't imagine why they are behaving as they are but those relationships are toxic and not worth wasting your energy on.

cat, you have to put yourself and your children first. You can't fight for him but do fight for a good life for your children. That is the best you can do.

Cat, amnesia for 2 years to the extent you mention seems abit much just for a stress reaction I would be thinking that it was a severe mental health problem or something neurological. The thing is with been shut out of everything means you might not know what's going on.
Before this did you have a good marriage,? any past meddling from your sister? any shutting u out of things by ur husband? a close relationship between your husband and sister? any problems with the inlaws? It's just so odd.
But if I was considering divorce I would be reflecting on what relationship was like pre all this starting.
I don't think any of this is your fault I reckon some people enjoy been the main confidant for someone but I don't understand your husband in all this. If u feel he has lost all capacity to make decisions then the sisters are breaking up a family for their own need.

I'm sorry it's turned out like this.

I want to say something, but I don't want to hurt you. What I am going to say is not meant in any nasty way, or meant to bring you pain.

I just think that you need to find a way - god knows how - to come to accept that your husband, your love, the man who looked at you with eyes that said you were his universe - is dead. He's gone. He doesn't exist any more. Someone has crept into his body and is moving around in it, but the man who loved you left a long time ago.

I think only when you can accept that, mourn him and know that when he was HIM - he truly loved you and no matter what other people do now, they can never take those years away from you - can you start to heal and to deal with the practicalities of this situation. And you have to let them have this man that exists today, because fighting for the body of the man who loved you when he was someone else, is destroying you and your children.

I am really sorry you are going through this, I wish you lots of strength to deal with the total shittyness of it all. xx

We have been around and around on this one.

Cut him loose and lawyer up.

He isn't the same person anymore.

Accept that he is gone, don't lose your children as well.

I adore my husband, all that truly madly deeply crap.

But I would throw him under a bus if he endangered my children's well being like this.

Maybe he can't help it, but he has told you pretty loud and clear that he doesn't want you involved any more.

Be done.

Get a divorce and leave them to it.

Why did you ask your sister to help if she is such a twat.
I have a feeling he has told her you are abusing him in these 'private sessions'. The secretive train to sold sounds like someone rescuing an abused spouse.

To sils not sold

I see the diagnosis has changed to amnesia now. That must be an improvement on early onset dementia which was referred to in your earlier threads - at least at some point recovery may be possible.