Upadate thread, outed IRL.

[catfourfeet]

Hi all,

name changed as my_sis has "found" me on mumsnet.

Prety easy to work out though

Back story

Dh sever amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy 2 years+

He never and I mean NEVER initiates talks about his illness, treatment, therapy etc with anyone, not me, not friends, not members of my family appart from , strangely enough, my_sis.

My dh has, under the "guidance" of mysis _

going to several medical appointments

given my_sis, K, access to his medical notes

attended a mediation meeting with my_sis to help me and DH "as a couple"

organised a second opinion for DH

At Dh's request their conversations are "private and confidential" and he didnt want me to know about all the appointments etc.

Left my young ds ( 7 and 9) unsupervised in mysis car / playing in a car park for an hour whilst she and dh went to an appointment and then mysis lied about how long the ds were alone.

Put dh on a train , on his own , in the middle of the night to go up to stay with my evil sil. He had no idea where to get off or why he was on the train.

Arranged for DH to have his own car. whilst using this car he got lost on the M-way for 9 hours and had to be brought home by the police.

I found out about all this by chance, by luck,by trawling through my DH's phone, i was NEVER told directly my my_sis

Dh has been at hissis for the last 7 weeks._

I have no direct means of contact, I can only leave messages on dh_sis voice mail.

Dh's mobile number has been changed.

I have called day after day after day and get no response.

Dh has not spoken to the dcs in 3 weeks.

Mysis is in contant contact with dhsis and dh.

no one in Dh's family will speak to me.

All his benefits have been tranferred from the family a/c.

He has frozen our all our bank a/c.

my AIBU is

My_sis does not feel that she has done anythign wrong AT ALL and actually thinks that she is "only trying to help".

I am made to feel as though I am the one in the wrong, I am the "evil" one.

Sooooooo, oh wise and wonderful ladies, play devils advocat, show me her side, make me realise that I AM being unreasonable

YANBU at all

They are all totally fucked up and the only one who has any kind of excuse for that is your DH

It's awful for your children, but tell them that their daddy is very very unwell and that is why he hasn't been in touch. In a way it might even be for the best, imagine how worried you'd be if he had unsupervised access to them

Protect yourself and your dc and leave the rest of them to it

I think you have to admit defeat, and put yourself and your dc first.

I'm so sorry!

Cat, can't see how an imca could/would a judgment without discussion with you?
Whatever the back story, and I do remember your previous thread, it does sound like you need to step back from him now; for both your sakes.

hissy by name

the dc's all know excatly whats going on, no secrerts in our house.plain facts .

and, funnily enugh, none of them want to see their dear aunty , I wonder why ???

You can build the relationship with your husband at a later date, because right now he does not want that.

You will be no good for your children if you are left penniless, homeless, destitute because your family/his family have stolen, or siphoned off all of your money.

I think I get where you're coming from

This isn't your fault. His family are chosing to paint it as your fault for their own fucked up reasons - to absolve themselves of blame or to get their hands on his money or some other weird fucked up reasoning which you CANNOT affect. Your sister is an interfering freak.

I can only imagine how bewildering and awful this is for you. And it's not fair, from the start of the illness this has been SO cruel and unfair and unjustified that I can't see how you would even start to rationalise it in your head. You can't assign faults and blames, this god awful thing has happened to your DH and you're powerless and that must be devestating.

But, there is nothing you can do, and assigning fault, whether it's to his sister, your sister or your DH himself is not going to help at all. All you can do is detatch yourself, detach your children from it and make a life for them and you. If there is a miracle and your DH recovers, or breaks away then you can cross that bridge, you CANNOT make that happen, but you could drive yourself mad trying. And your kids need you.

AF and others telling her to forget.....how can you be so heartless?

The OP loved her husband and he was stolen from he by a combination of mental health issues and toxic relatives.

If your child had MH issues and was stolen by your ex would you just "detach detach detach"? Or would you fight for them?

You are being very cruel to someone who is already being beaten down by people who should be supporting her and by the services that are in place supposedly to protect people like her DH when they are vulnerable.

Kick her while she is down why dont you?! Nice, real nice!

AF, you know that you and I normally agree but in this case I think you need to try to be a bit more compassionate.

Cat, can't see how an imca could/would a judgment without discussion with you?

Well he was quite happy to have my sis in the meeting, but would not tell me anything about what was discussed.

I recall reading your posts. Sis is a control frea. Freaks me out each time you have updated.

I haven't a clue how you have managed to get so far without losing the plot.

I haven't a clue what you can do but you have support on here. Loads of it.

Enough now. Really, enough.

Your sister, your husband and his family have behaved totally unreasonably towards you and your children, but it's done and can't be undone. Forget about 'grand gestures' because they don't give a shit. None of them, and I'm including your husband in that.

Move on, and try to be happy

the whole situation is a nightmare

toxic sis's coming out of your ears

what poisin do you think they are dripping into your children's ears ?

you are trying to force someone to keep contact with their kids when they don't want to

instead of walking away with dignity, you are hanging onto what exactly ?

I applaud you for getting the financial ducks in a row (although there are possibly more things you could do, if you take the good advice on this thread)

but the rest of it ?

children don't need this shit

they don't need you hacking your hair off as some sort of mad "token" and desperately casting around for another way to "show" these utterly awful people how strong your feelings are

take those strong feelings and channel them into looking out for yourself, and for your kids

and this is my last word here, because this was all said to you before, and you are not listening, you would rather carry on indulging in the madness

catfourfeet I have followed many of yiour threads and knew i had not seen you much here.

I remember another thread where the question of the true extent of Dh and DSis relation was questioned by some posters.

I dont mean to talk out of terms and this is also maybe a little tongue in cheek, If you dont mind (if it is a terrible thing for me to say then do tell me so)..But is it maybe time you maybe time to leave them both to it. You do not need to be treated like a doormat and out cast all the time trying to hold it all together. Cant DH move in with Dsis or something and allow her to take over his care 24 hrs a day. Because what they continue to do to you is pretty shitty.

OP, a further thought.

Have you considered divorcing him?

I know that sounds mad considering my pp but bear with me.

A divorce would mean a total severing of all finances, and it would be laid down in law what would happen re the house etc. As it stands, he could leave his half of the house to anyone he likes (care to take a guess who that might be?) and you might find yourself homeless at some point. In a divorce, his MH abilities will be scrutinised because a court will HAVE to take that into account. A judge can order evaluations etc that your SIL cant control and you will get access to when the results are in. Whatever happens, it will bring the issues he has to attention of the right people.

Its a drastic measure but one that I would ask my solicitor about if I was you.

and this is my last word here, because this was all said to you before, and you are not listening, you would rather carry on indulging in the madness

I am not "indulging in the maddness" , my dh is as much a "victim" here as I am.

its been said that " he's not interested in his kids", but he coudl be told every day , " oh you rang them yester day" and he wont REMEMBER.

funnily enough, bogey, I was going to suggest that she divorce him too

I remember this one. I am sticking to my guns and she's a crazy arsepiece.

I'd get some help on the legal thread to see if there's anything you can do to safeguard... erm... the things that need safeguarding.

have read a little more of the thread now OP, I just posted my gut responce...

So I see others are not far off what I was thinking, so in other words Im saying...LEAVE BOTH THE BASTARDS!!!

bogeyface,

Formal separation would also achieve that, its my next sep , as is residancy status for me so that hi sis dh cant just come and take the kids

Anyfucker, I'm glad you ask as I too found the underscores mildly distracting.

Thats good cat , I hadnt even thought about them trying to get the kids. I just think that divorce (or seperation, are you in scotland?) would protect him as much as you because hopefully a judge wouldnt just rubber stamp it without investigation.

LEAVE BOTH THE BASTARDS!!!

but which two ??? lol

but it does feel like an abusive relationship

yes, and abusive relationships are damaging to young children

erm, that was my last word

^^ that one

I am not sure I understand fully, op's dh is mentally ill and has amnesia, op's sis is manipulating the situation for her own gain? Op is devastated as her dh is being isolated from her and their dc? Posters are telling her to let them get on with it? Am I missing something here, as the posters who are saying this usually give out some very sound and wise advice.

I did mean him and your own sis, but is see his own sis is now getting involved.

no feeling like about it, it is abusive all round and yiu are at the brunt of it. I think it is a terrible sad situation for Op but I think it is now time to divorce and move on and begin to bandage up some of tyhe damamge this is doing to your dcs.

last , LAST word eh !!!!

are you like the spanish inquisition ???

this is my one last word.

Oh no this my sedong last word.

No , no wait, THIS is my last word

Lol