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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upadate thread, outed IRL.

109 replies

catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:13

Hi all,

name changed as my_sis has "found" me on mumsnet.

Prety easy to work out though Wink

Back story

Dh sever amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy 2 years+

He never and I mean NEVER initiates talks about his illness, treatment, therapy etc with anyone, not me, not friends, not members of my family appart from , strangely enough, my_sis.

My dh has, under the "guidance" of mysis _

going to several medical appointments

given my_sis, K, access to his medical notes

attended a mediation meeting with my_sis to help me and DH "as a couple"

organised a second opinion for DH

At Dh's request their conversations are "private and confidential" and he didnt want me to know about all the appointments etc.

Left my young ds ( 7 and 9) unsupervised in mysis car / playing in a car park for an hour whilst she and dh went to an appointment and then mysis lied about how long the ds were alone.

Put dh on a train , on his own , in the middle of the night to go up to stay with my evil sil. He had no idea where to get off or why he was on the train.

Arranged for DH to have his own car. whilst using this car he got lost on the M-way for 9 hours and had to be brought home by the police.

I found out about all this by chance, by luck,by trawling through my DH's phone, i was NEVER told directly my my_sis

Dh has been at hissis for the last 7 weeks._

I have no direct means of contact, I can only leave messages on dh_sis voice mail.

Dh's mobile number has been changed.

I have called day after day after day and get no response.

Dh has not spoken to the dcs in 3 weeks.

Mysis is in contant contact with dhsis and dh.

no one in Dh's family will speak to me.

All his benefits have been tranferred from the family a/c.

He has frozen our all our bank a/c.

my AIBU is

My_sis does not feel that she has done anythign wrong AT ALL and actually thinks that she is "only trying to help".

I am made to feel as though I am the one in the wrong, I am the "evil" one.

Sooooooo, oh wise and wonderful ladies, play devils advocat, show me her side, make me realise that I AM being unreasonable

OP posts:
Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 20/09/2012 23:04

I remeber your other threads. No point anybody offering any advice as you always react aggressively and fail to act.

Floggingmolly · 20/09/2012 23:06

All the advice has been given on previous (multiple) threads, op takes absolutely no notice.

HissyByName · 20/09/2012 23:07

It is abusive love, its certainly controlling, and if your h doesn't want rescuing, there's little you can do.

As horrendous a thought as it is, for whatever reason, the vile sisters have got him, and he wants to be there.

The best you can do is limit the damage to your dc, and to you.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 23:07

Op is devastated as her dh is being isolated from her and their dc? Posters are telling her to let them get on with it?

I have TRIED to "get" to him, I cant and its driving me insane,

AS many have said here I MUST put my dc first, and I was just posting to update a bit and jsut to armour myself a bit for the next thing that will no doubt come my way.

If it were jsut me I woudl fight till my last breath for him but I have my 4dc and simply beng a single mum to them and trying to run the business is enough.

I have to just "let it go"

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 20/09/2012 23:07

Haemadadoots unfortunatly this has been an ongoing situation for Op and her family for a long long while now and her Dh although capacity could be questionable by OP, has willingly and through his own choice let this situation evelove. h ehas sadly made many choices and it is so hard to tell which of those are through manipulation and which are born out of genuine choice and preference.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 23:10

All the advice has been given on previous (multiple) threads, op takes absolutely no notice.

Not true, the situation keep changing, things have happened that I would never have DREAMED that my sis and his sis woudl have done to my family.

If dh runs off to his sis in a car provided my my sis every time the kitchen isnt tidy enough then all the good advice int he world isnt goign to stop a 47 year old man going out the door. POA woudlnt help either.

OP posts:
QueenofJacksDreams · 20/09/2012 23:12

Sweetheart I know how you're suffering right now I really do I was your DH luckily for me my DH fought for me constantly and I was an evil bitch from hell to him I truly was to the point I physically abused him I hate myself for what I did now but at the time I honestly couldn't of told you why I did it my head was just so messed up I nearly lost everything and I am so very lucky I didn't but in the end it had to be my choice to sort things out. The same way it has to be his you can't drag him away from his family as much as you need to.

Please think of yourself for a little while and your children don't let him go if you really love him though make sure he knows you will be there for him when he needs you, give him time and space and hopefully he will see these people for what they are.

This isn't his fault but its not yours either. You can't fix him, I'm so sorry for you because I know it must be true hell for you.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 20/09/2012 23:13

I would refuse to allow him back into the house no OP, you do need to and shoupld not continue with this marriage anymore. There is only so much you can take.

Haemadoots · 20/09/2012 23:15

Thanks the enthusiastictroll I wondered because of the replies.

Cat What an awful situation :( I hope things improve for you and your children and you eventually get your dh back.

Portofino · 20/09/2012 23:22

i totally agree with AF and others. You cannot help him - he won.t let you. So the best thing to do is separate yourself totally from him. You don't need this - your poor children certaiinly don't.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 23:24

I have an apointmetn with a solicitor on Oct 17th ( earliest I could get) so I can get the ball rolling on residancy order then and financial separation.

DH has made his choices, it just sad to think , and hard to accept, that they are so very selfish, that they show so little carefor his family.

Buuuuut, he has made them, under "influence" certanily, but he DID sign to freeze the bank a/c, he DID sign to exclude me from his medical notes Sad

"my" DH isnt there anymore, "he" might come back, or some of "him" might but for now the man I loved, oh how I LOVED him, is gone Sad

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 20/09/2012 23:29

Sad However I think it is a break through for you that you are accepting this. you need to continue to take the steps to move on from you'r life with dh as it once was and change your life now for the better.

Schnarkle · 20/09/2012 23:36

Unfortunately I think with regards to your Husband and the 2 women, you need to now steel your heart and put your head in control.

He is gone, there are no what if's anymore. You have to secure that house for yourself and your children. Imagine in 11 years time and you find yourself on the kerb because of some scheme cooked up between them. You cannot allow this.

HuggleBuggleBear · 20/09/2012 23:47

This situation just sounds a nightmare. Do u know what is causing his memory problems and personality changes, and how long has this gone on for?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 23:52

Huggle :

2 years in June,

Stress of some sort casued it,

Im tired of fighting, the disease, his moods, his sis , my sis,

my dcs are my priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 23:53

thanks for the advice ladies,

onward and upward,

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 20/09/2012 23:54

None of us know you.... Do we?

However I find it a little odd that 2 adults from different sides of your family ( people who know you very well) are going all out to get your vulnerable DH away from you

I have to wonder.... Why?

We only have your side of the story here. Sorry if you don't want to hear that, but you asked for opinions

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 21/09/2012 00:02

you have done everything you can to help him. you can do no more. now is the time to protect yourself and your assets for the sake of the children.

oh and I liked the underscores...

Original poster
catfourfeet · 21/09/2012 00:04

blackberryice

We only have your side of the story here. Sorry if you don't want to hear that, but you asked for opinions

*However I find it a little odd that 2 adults from different sides of your family ( people who know you very well) are going all out to get your vulnerable DH away from you

I have to wonder.... Why?*

I have asked myself the same , over and over again, Ihave asked friends ( who know me and dh well) to be honest, to say why they think sis and sil are dopign this, I am baffled

buuuut ( and I dont want to say more here in care sis has "found" me) both
have "form" in this area, both like to be in control, both are "never wrong"

I have sopent many , many nights wondering what I have donw wrong, what I coudl chage, do to fix it.

TBH whos right oro wrong its the issue, I just have to get on with my life and put the finger up ( as it were ) ti the lot of them .

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 21/09/2012 00:06

ps

sis and sil know me and dh respectivley but our relationship , nt so much, our friends know US, my sis and his sis dont.

They are both single , childless women interferrign in a marriage and a family.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 21/09/2012 00:12

He's a mentalist. You have been co-opted into a damaging and negative group process. You would do well to completely disengage from all of them.

This is not good for you, not good at all, and you are the only person your children can rely on.

Stay away from them all. Get a divorce. Get some counselling. Don't text, email or phone them, unless it is an emergency. Do legal things through a solicitor. Take care of yourself and your children.

Spend no more time or emotion on any of those people. You are spending yourself on people who don't care about you at all. This is bad for you and your children.

I have some experience of this kind of thing. Let go. Take care of yourself and let go. You have been reaching out on here, asking for justification, asking for condemnation of others, reaching out. You know this is not right. You have asked for help. You can get it. You will be ok. You can do this.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 21/09/2012 00:14

You will be ok. You can do this.

Yes I will,yes I can Smile

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 21/09/2012 00:19

Saying people are single women with no children is not an explanation or reason for anything. I don't think casting aspersions on people in this way is right.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 21/09/2012 00:22

Kleptronic

If you are not married, and do not have chidlren then you do not have the experience of being married, of being a mother to guide you , to inform your choices as to how to act. I am not againct singel childless women, just those who show no compashion for marriage or parenthood.

maybe it came across wrong m sorry,

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 21/09/2012 00:22

Still keep away from them though!