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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upadate thread, outed IRL.

109 replies

catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:13

Hi all,

name changed as my_sis has "found" me on mumsnet.

Prety easy to work out though Wink

Back story

Dh sever amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy 2 years+

He never and I mean NEVER initiates talks about his illness, treatment, therapy etc with anyone, not me, not friends, not members of my family appart from , strangely enough, my_sis.

My dh has, under the "guidance" of mysis _

going to several medical appointments

given my_sis, K, access to his medical notes

attended a mediation meeting with my_sis to help me and DH "as a couple"

organised a second opinion for DH

At Dh's request their conversations are "private and confidential" and he didnt want me to know about all the appointments etc.

Left my young ds ( 7 and 9) unsupervised in mysis car / playing in a car park for an hour whilst she and dh went to an appointment and then mysis lied about how long the ds were alone.

Put dh on a train , on his own , in the middle of the night to go up to stay with my evil sil. He had no idea where to get off or why he was on the train.

Arranged for DH to have his own car. whilst using this car he got lost on the M-way for 9 hours and had to be brought home by the police.

I found out about all this by chance, by luck,by trawling through my DH's phone, i was NEVER told directly my my_sis

Dh has been at hissis for the last 7 weeks._

I have no direct means of contact, I can only leave messages on dh_sis voice mail.

Dh's mobile number has been changed.

I have called day after day after day and get no response.

Dh has not spoken to the dcs in 3 weeks.

Mysis is in contant contact with dhsis and dh.

no one in Dh's family will speak to me.

All his benefits have been tranferred from the family a/c.

He has frozen our all our bank a/c.

my AIBU is

My_sis does not feel that she has done anythign wrong AT ALL and actually thinks that she is "only trying to help".

I am made to feel as though I am the one in the wrong, I am the "evil" one.

Sooooooo, oh wise and wonderful ladies, play devils advocat, show me her side, make me realise that I AM being unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:32

ErikNorseman

good post, and ATM its easier to just pretend DH doesnt exist Sad but it the dc's that are suffering.

He could phone them , he could visit , Ive tried and tried but he DOESNT

they feel complety ignored Sad Sad

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 20/09/2012 22:32

I remember your previous threads. Sorry this is still going on. Are you OK though? Compared to your earlier threads, you sound a bit... odd.

Have you taken legal advice? This might be useful:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Mentalcapacityandthelaw/index.htm

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2012 22:33

Detach. Detach, as Erik says.

TheSteveMilliband · 20/09/2012 22:34

Cat fourfeet, capacity for poa is different to capacity to manage finances. Many people can no longer manage money (bills, withdrawals, balancing books etc) but are well able to say "I want x to manage my money for me should I not be able to myself now or in the future". Completely different question. Worth seeing a solicitor or discussing wih his dr.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2012 22:35

Separate yourself from him legally and financially

You can't help him

He doesn't want your help, and you can't make him (short of sectioning him and/or getting him declared unable to protect himself and you seem to think that is unlikely)

At least no more of what is essentially your family money will be siphoned off by the vampires around him

the problem is, your husband is rather enjoying getting the life sucked out of him

the best you can do is make sure you and dc don't get dragged down with him

why won't you do that ? You were advised to do that on your other threads(s)

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:35

hollaatmebaby

I have been surprised at how many timem I think I have come to my breaking point, the "edge" and then I still seem to find that I have just a "bit" more strength, whatever, to call on and I carry on. But I have had quite a few "wobbles" over the past few months and ALL of them down to mysis and Hissis

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 20/09/2012 22:35

While the bank accounts aren't a problem in themselves, what happens if your DH is convinced to take out a loan? Re-mortgage the house? You need to get legal advice and have a block put on anything like that coming back to you.

junowiththegladrags · 20/09/2012 22:37

Have you asked that an independent capacity advocate be appointed?IMCA
Sounds like it may be appropriate in your situation.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:37

anyfucker

I am now detached from him financially , we dont share any a/c and my money is my money.

the house cant be sold untill youngest dc is 18 ( 11 years away)

I am generating income from renting part of the house

I cant calim maintenace as hes only on benefits.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2012 22:38

and tbh, their father or not, I wouldn't want my kids to be spending much time with someone who is in such a toxic situation and doesn't give a shit

if he isn't bothered about seeing them, I would see that as a lucky break tbh

build a life for yourself and your kids

Floggingmolly · 20/09/2012 22:38

Are you serious, your DH also has a manipulative busybody of a sister, who you have also allowed to take over your life? What are the chances of that?
And he's now gone to live with her?
You were advised before to remove your family from these people's influence and take control of your own life; how could you have let things go this far?
Not hugely helpful, but honestly, some of us are the author of our own destruction.

HollaAtMeBaby · 20/09/2012 22:39

OK. Hope you are OK. Have you been drinking this evening? I wouldn't blame you...

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:39

juno

My_sis has already taken him to an advocat, asI cant "get" to him now, not on the ohone, never mind in person I have no chance of actually egttin him to an advocate.

I have neother the time, effort or money to contiue with trying to
"save" him form this situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2012 22:39

can I just ask why you keep putting a _ in front of the word "sis" ?

you can type however you like, but it is actually really distracting

elinorbellowed · 20/09/2012 22:40

Let him go. Put the children first. Good luck.

junowiththegladrags · 20/09/2012 22:40

So you don't know what the advocate decided about your dh's capacity/decisions?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2012 22:42

what is it exactly you keep finding this extra "strength" for ?

joining with your husband and various female family members in fucking your children up ?

let it go

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:42

You were advised before to remove your family from these people's influence and take control of your own life; how could you have let things go this far?
Not hugely helpful, but honestly, some of us are the author of our own destruction.

How am I the one at fault here ???

I tried to keep my dh in his home with his family, I have not "let thing go this far" ALL of these thjngs have been done TO me, I have simply reacted as best I could.

I beegged for help from his family and they refused, flaty refused.

Other than literally throwing him out on the street what was I supposed to do ???

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:44

*can I just ask why you keep putting a _ in front of the word "sis" ?

you can type however you like, but it is actually really distracting*

just though mysis , hissis woudl be easier to read than his sis, my sis

less confusing ???

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:45

anyfucker

joining with your husband and various female family members in fucking your children up ?

I am tryign to KEEP him in contact with his kids, is that "fucking" my children up ????

OP posts:
Haemadoots · 20/09/2012 22:46

SO sorry you are going through this op, why has your dh got amnesia did he have an accident? It does sound like he should be under adult protection as being a vulnerable adult as other poster are saying, can you speak to gp and try to get him to involve social work and police?

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2012 22:46

Forget about him. Really! Concentrate on you. Concentrate on your children.

Write to Land Registry (or get a solicitor to do it) and have a restriction put on your property so that it cannot be sold or be re-mortgaged without your express permission : do this ASAP.

HissyByName · 20/09/2012 22:46

Oh love, i was literally thinking of you all today, god knows why, as hadn't heard from you in ages!

I'm so sorry its going like this, its obscene, but you seem to be doing the best you can.

Tell your dc the truth, that Dad's unwell, and he's with people who are doing this for their own selves, that its not a bad reflection on them.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2012 22:46

you want a serious answer to your question ?

yes

Original poster
catfourfeet · 20/09/2012 22:47

anyfucker

Please explain ????

OP posts:
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