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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dump a new boyfriend if he does nothing for my birthday?

148 replies

ticktockdontstop · 20/09/2012 21:51

We have Been Seeing each other since April. It's my birthday on Monday. He hasn't mentioned anything regarding it until tonight. I have plans with my friends on my birthday day, which he isn't invited to, I said it would be nice and romantic to do something just us on the weekend.
I expect him to maybe suggest dinner or something.
Tonight on the phone he says he has been meaning to ask what I would like for my birthday. I did the polite thing and said that he Didnt have to get me anything. And he said that was good.

I'm a bit upset.
And given that he is a self confessed c
heapskate, I now don't expect anything, but I would never be so rude as to ask for something, if that makes sense.
I think It's quite possible I might not even get a card.

I'm also sad that at this stage you would think he might be making some kind of effort.
Am I being unreasonable/ too precious to dump him over this?

OP posts:

suebfg · 20/09/2012 21:53

I'd wait until Tuesday as he might be planning a surprise. If not, dump him.

rubyslippers · 20/09/2012 21:54

So you said he didn't need to get you anything and he won't so you're upset

He's a cheapskate - that's not good. People who are mean with money can also be mean with their emotions

I think a bit if thought for someone especially in the first flush of a relationship is good - and if he isn't doing that now he never will

ThreadWatcher · 20/09/2012 21:54

If he doesn't buy you gifts now he won't in the future......

Even a cheapskate should buy a gf gifts imho.

I would consider ditching yes.

Casmama · 20/09/2012 21:55

I couldn't be with someone long term who was a cheapskate but also wouldn't say to a partner that they didnt need to get me anything then get all pissed off and dump them if they took me at my word.
By all means dump him if you don't see a future in it but how strong are your feelings a byway if you would dump him over that?

aldiwhore · 20/09/2012 21:55

Um. Wait until your actual birthday and see what you get?? You've been fishing now though, and you've said 'you don't have to get me anything' which could be interpreted as 'please don't get me anything'... so he'll now have cancelled the trip to insert posh place here.

Never ever fish. Wait and see. If you'd not fished, and he did nothing (and knew it WAS your birthday) I'd probably say wait until next weekend, after that and still nothing, dump if it annoys you.

My husband is the kind of surprises. I'm not a fan of surprises unless I know that 'something' is coming... he's a surprise purist. I bit my tongue, practiced my 'you're dumped' speech many many times. Never fish.

YABU. Princess

aldiwhore · 20/09/2012 21:56

My Husband doesn't do 'expensive' so perhaps he's a cheapskate, but his surprises are awesome, and cheap. Not rude!

scarletforya · 20/09/2012 21:59

Good God no, YANBU.

He's a self confessed cheapskate? Automatic non runner OP. P45!

Original poster

ticktockdontstop · 20/09/2012 22:01

I didn't fish.
I don't think he is one for surprises, all the organisation for stuff has come from me really. I think maybe in the whole time we have dated he has organised maybe 3 dates, the other times we just hang out and decide together or I suggest something. He also hasnt brought me any thing, not even a small gift ( not that I expect anything, but just no token of affection at all, nothing more expensive than an ice cream) the whole time.

I'm not materialstic, its not about money, but thought. And I feel hurt about it.

OP posts:

BoomerGold · 20/09/2012 22:01

I don't get anything from my boyfriend for my birthday, and I don't get him anything either. He earns the money, I don't earn anything. This way I don't feel bad if he spends on me and I can't give it back.

Deep down, I'd much rather give and get, even if it's only a card, but I have to accept that we can't afford to spend money on gifts when we have a baby to feed and clothe.

If your fella is well off and he does absolutely nothing, then I'd be a bit hurt but I don't know if I'd dump him over it.

BlueSkySinking · 20/09/2012 22:02

Don't discuss it or think about it till Wednesday when you dump the tight arse bearing no gifts. Don't let it ruin your special day though.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/09/2012 22:02

DH's first Valentine to me (because he hates it and thinks it's shit) was a massive, home made card. It was very strange and quite ugly but I treasure it. It is OK to be cheap and hard-working, lovely and thoughtful. It's not OK to be a cheapskate and mean.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/09/2012 22:03

Don't go out with a cheapskate.

SirGOLDBoobs · 20/09/2012 22:04

I say to people "Oh you don't have to get me anything!" because otherwise I feel incredibly rude. Most people will then say, "Well I want to, so give me an idea", at which point I feel able to make a few suggestions.

Watch and wait... He might surprise you. If not... Well, you haven't been together too long.

Original poster

ticktockdontstop · 20/09/2012 22:06

But really, how awkward is the question ' what do you want for your birthday' with someone you havent dated long, have no idea of budget and know they are tight'

I felt really awkward.

I don't care on cost at all, or even elobrate plans, but some kind of thought, surely he should want to do something lovely for me?

OP posts:

Flojo1979 · 20/09/2012 22:07

Gezz dump him, I'm surprised he's lasted this long.
Clearly, he's just not that in to u.
Even cheapskates make the effort for dates.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2012 22:09

Why say you don't want anything then get all hurt when you think no effort's forthcoming?

Original poster

ticktockdontstop · 20/09/2012 22:13

Because it would be terribly rude to reel off a list of things. Wouldn't it.
Besides, I don't even have a list, I don't want nor expect anything. Ive been a single parent for a long time with noone getting me presents. It's not about presents at all.

OP posts:

Doneinagain · 20/09/2012 22:13

My first birthday with my DH we had been dating for about six months and no he didn't get me ANYTHING...we were students,20 at the time. I gave him three days to make up for his mistake and then told him In no uncertain terms what a jerk I thought he was and how little he must have thought of me not to get me even a measly card before I dramatically walked out. It worked.... Two days later I had some flowers and a lovely thoughtful piece of jewellery.

14 years later and we have been married 8 years. Some people are cheap, some just need a little steering in the right direction. If you don't make your needs clear then you have only yourself to blame when you are treated with less respect than you deserve.

Be honest with him, try and stay sweet and not too upset, and see if he listens. You never know he may surprise you

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/09/2012 22:14

Urgh nothing worse than a cheapskate.

FWIW, DH bought me diamond earrings for Christmas when we had been together 2 months.
I'm not saying that is what your boyfriend should be buying you, but if he was serious about you then a birthday is a good time to demonstrate that. The fact that 3 days before your birthday he clearly hasn't given it any thought at all, is not a good thing.

Original poster

ticktockdontstop · 20/09/2012 22:15

Hes not 20 though, he is 30.

OP posts:

thecook · 20/09/2012 22:17

OP I hope he is planning a surprise love. If you get nothing I would dump. Sorry I have been out with cheapskates and I would not do it again.

ZZZenAgain · 20/09/2012 22:18

couldn't you have said, "Thanks for asking. I'd love some flowers" or something like that?

Viviennemary · 20/09/2012 22:19

He asked you what you wanted and you more or less said don't bother. And he isn't inivted to your celebration on the day. I agree with the folk who said you must spell out your needs clearly. I have learnt this over the years. If I said I didn't want anything then my DH wouldn't get me anything. Which is why I don't say it.

Original poster

ticktockdontstop · 20/09/2012 22:19

It was his nieces birthday two weeks ago, the child was one. He went to the family party ( having never met the child before due to distance) and Didnt take even a card, let alone a present. Hence I think its unlikely ill even get a card.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 20/09/2012 22:19

I can see your point about not asking for an expensive gift though.

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