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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to scream and shout 'mind your own bloody business!! My child, my decision

79 replies

drivinmecrazy · 19/09/2012 11:05

Have just had news that my DD1 has got a place off the waiting list of a much sought after local school.
We went to appeal to try and get her a place, although we are catchment always over subscribed.
Have just had a text from my neighbor's daughter. She's 20, training to be a teacher and has far too many opinions about how I raise my DDs for a child with no experience of the real world.
She has texted me saying she spoke to my DD last week who said she wouldn't want to change schools, and I should actually listen to my child!!
School she is currently at is not a good school by any standards, we have always made it clear to DD that while we respect her opinions, she is a chilkd and the next few years of her education are of such importance that we would make those decisions.
Of course she doesn't want to change after just settling, but she's a child surely! isn't it up to us parents to sometimes take thoses tough decisions for her!!
Have also now got a FB message from her Mum, suggesting that I should maybe have waited to talk to DD before announcing on FB. Firstly, my DD has no access to FB, she's 11 FFS! and secondly, all my friends have know how hard we have fought to get DD a place at the new school. Thirdly, I hope that when my DD gets to 15, she's not openly smoking, drinking, swearing and sleeping with her boyfriend at my house!!!
Because current school is good enough for your child, doesn't mean I don't want something more for mine!!
Sorry that turned into a rant, have made neighbors sound like trash, they're not. they are a professional family, but doesn't give them the right to question my decisions about my child
Am incandescent with rage!!!

OP posts:

Tweasels · 19/09/2012 11:08

RuleBritannia · 19/09/2012 11:09

I totally agree with you but why put something that I would consider to be private onto a public forum such as Facebook?

picnicbasketcase · 19/09/2012 11:10

Depending on whether you wish to remain on good terms with them either

a) Ignore any messages or opinions they express and do not respond
b) Listen politely and say 'Mm that's interesting' while hoping they shut up
c) Say 'I don't give a flying shit what you think, I will decide what is best for my child and I want to you mind your own business'

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 11:11

Agree... if you put personal information on something like FB, you're inviting other people's opinions. If you don't want nosey-parkers sticking their oar in, keep private stuff about your family private.

Nancy66 · 19/09/2012 11:11

If your kid was starting primary I'd agree with you

but she's 11 and should have a say.

If she starts a new school feeling uhappy, unlistened to and lonely then she may well under perform....

Longtalljosie · 19/09/2012 11:11

I'm not surprised you're fuming. Given they're neighbours, if you respond as they deserve you may be living with the consequences for years though.

I would just ignore both messages and if they raise it in person I would tell them you were surprised by both messages. And (with a tonne of restraint) leave it at that.

TheCalmingManatee · 19/09/2012 11:12

Maybe they are jealous! It wounds like the DD is a little bit too big for her boots, she is only a trainee teacher, maybe she needs reminding of this.

Tee2072 · 19/09/2012 11:12

Honestly? I think the neighbour is right.

::dons hard hat::

wannaBe · 19/09/2012 11:13

I think at 11 your dd deserves an opinion.

I also think that putting stuff like that on facebook before your dd is even told is wrong.

Sorry. I think yabu.

SoldeInvierno · 19/09/2012 11:15

I would just say "thank you for your feedback" and of course, ignore it. It has obviously nothing to do with them.

Katienana · 19/09/2012 11:15

I think if you wanted their opinion you would ask for it, and I would tell them this.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/09/2012 11:16

I think at 11 you need to listen to your daughter.

We are currently looking round secondary schools with DS for next year - we wil all be making the decision together, after all, DS is the one who has to go there for the net 5 years so he should have some say in it.

I agree with your neighbour....plus putting it on fb is madness anyway!

MoRaw · 19/09/2012 11:17

I don't think it is any of their business. One thing though, their advice that you should listen to your daughter makes sense. Not that you should give in but at least make her feel welcomed in expressing her views and preference on her school choice. Ultimately, you are the parent and have the final say. As you indicated, you have explained to her why she cannot remain at her school of choice and the positive impact that the other school may have on her future.

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2012 11:17

I used to live next door to a girl who was around 6 years older than me and I used to tell her things I couldn't tell my mother. It sounds like you have been very focused on getting your DD into this school. Perhaps you haven't been listening to DD's concerns - perhaps rightly, I do believe that parents know best FWIW - but if she's been talking honestly to the ND-DD and saying she's really scared and worried about changing schools, I can't blame the ND-DD for raising that with you.

Just a thought.

Oh and even if your DD isn't on FB, some of her friends and friends' mums will be and word gets round. I'd hate to have another mother picking my DS up from school and saying 'hear you're off to another school WilsonJr'.

ENormaSnob · 19/09/2012 11:19

Yabu

I think at 11 your dd should be included in decision making when it's about her.

Out of order to fb it before your dd has been informed.

Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 19/09/2012 11:19

Am going with the 'ignore their messages' today.
We have discussed a possible move with DD, she is fully aware of the reasons we feel new school is a better fit for her. She obviously has her reservations, but we have re-assured her. Fortunately she is a child who finds making friends very easy, and is in fact going to be a school now with two of her closest friends from primary, and another friend who will be leaving current school and starting new one Monday
On the question of giving an 11yr old a choice, would they chose the school where she has a strict uniform code, excellent results and endless extra curricular opportunities, or the school where anything goes and pregnancy and drug use is almost the norm?? I know what I would have chosen at 11, thank god my parents never gave me that choice

OP posts:

MrsBovary · 19/09/2012 11:20

I too think you should not have announced on Facebook before speaking to your daughter. If you didn't want to invite opinion, perhaps would it have been better not to have made public in this manner.

EasilyBored · 19/09/2012 11:21

Could it be that the reason the school isn't so great is because active, involved parents feel the need to move their children to another school? I appreciate you want the best for her, but she doesn't want to move, she will have to go through the whole process of making new friends (which is a hard and confusing thing when you're 11) when everyone has already formed their little groups.

As far as your actual AIBU, you're not unreasonable to tell people that she is your child etc, but if you don't want people commenting on your choices, don't chat about them and post them all over FB.

Tweasels · 19/09/2012 11:22

Ready to go in.

Might just be the way your post reads but I think you don't come across well. If you are referring to secondary education it is not right that DD doesn't get a say. What's to say she won't succeed at ths school. Do you not have any faith in her? Everyone wants what's best for their children but believe it or not that includes happiness (and by that, I mean hers not yours).

You're right it is nothing to do with the neighbours, but maybe your DD has confided in this girl and said how unhappy she is.

And seriously, who the fuck puts updates on Facebook about stuff like that? Were you bragging? And absolutely you should have discussed it with DD before you announced it on the Internet. Regardless of whether you intend to listen to her concerns or not.

She'll not necessarily thank you for this in the long run.

sue52 · 19/09/2012 11:23

I think it only right that an 11 year old's opinion about her schooling, however the final decision rests with her parents. You were wrong to announce it on facebook so everyone knew before your DD had a chance to come to terms with the change.

DawnOfTheDee · 19/09/2012 11:24

Honestly, at 11 I would've chosen the strict uniform/excellent results school. The other one would have scared the shit out of me.

EdMcDunnough · 19/09/2012 11:26

I have trouble with grown ups who use facebook anyway.

But I do think your neighbours or friends are being very officious - it's not their decision, it's between you and your child.

Unless she has asked them to intervene, then they ought not to.

aldiwhore · 19/09/2012 11:26

This woman sounds very outspoken, I'm not sure she's wrong completely, but its not her business. Saying THAT maybe there are some words of wisdom there, changing schools at 11yrs old is a massive deal, I'm 38 and still haven't recovered!! (Even though as an adult I understand why my parents made the decision, the child in me still hasn't forgiven my parents for ripping me away from my friends, from a place that I wasn't failing in).

YANBU to be annoyed at how up front this neighbour's daughter has been, but maybe she has information from your dd that you haven't heard.

FB is deadly for this sort of thing, your dd WILL be getting an account soon enough, and could easily view your history... just a thought.

I can't say you are wrong in your decision, because every decision we make as adults is a risk. For example if we got a chance to move to Devon, we'd go and bugger the consequences - it may work out well for all of the family, but one member could suffer more than the other.

I think you DO need to sit and really talk about this withyour dd, so that she completely understands your reasons. Maybe a visit to the school with her is in order, showing her just how much better it is? Maybe even a word with the Head to see if she can attend one of their out of school clubs before she starts so that she can get to know a couple of people with similar interests.

Also, openly acknowledging to your dd that this is a MASSIVE change and that you will support her (either by ferrying her to her old school friend's houses or simply being there for her) through this. You could even apologise to her for the whole timing of it, that you wanted her to start with everyone else but it wasn't possible. Don't slag off her current friends or the school she loves.

I agree that its your choice. You are parent. I also think you need to accept that if she is dead set against the move she will resent you. (I resented my parents, though it was the right decision - and we're still a happy family).

Fillybuster · 19/09/2012 11:28

Would it be foolish to point out that if you don't want your neighbours to have an opinion about the details of your life (and feel they have the right to share that opinion) you should either a) not 'friend' them on FB or b) not share information with everyone on FB?

YAB hugely U to expect to announce something like that on FB and then get pissed off with any negative responses.

YANBU to move your dd to a different school

Startailoforangeandgold · 19/09/2012 11:28

Perhaps your DD has been telling people she doesn't want to change schools because you are not listening to her!

A bit of me would have liked DD2 to have tried for the grammar, it would have been one in the eye for the smug school gate mothers.

However, she didn't want to and will leave her sisters comprehensive with straight As and lots of local friends.

Sometimes what we want, is not best for our DCs.

Moving now will be hard, friendships will have been made and routines learnt.

Please forget how hard you fought for a place at this school, take a deep breath, talk to your DD and consider the whole thing again from where you and she are now.

Oh and feel free to tell me to piss off

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