To want to scream and shout 'mind your own bloody business!! My child, my decision

[drivinmecrazy]

Have just had news that my DD1 has got a place off the waiting list of a much sought after local school.
We went to appeal to try and get her a place, although we are catchment always over subscribed.
Have just had a text from my neighbor's daughter. She's 20, training to be a teacher and has far too many opinions about how I raise my DDs for a child with no experience of the real world.
She has texted me saying she spoke to my DD last week who said she wouldn't want to change schools, and I should actually listen to my child!!
School she is currently at is not a good school by any standards, we have always made it clear to DD that while we respect her opinions, she is a chilkd and the next few years of her education are of such importance that we would make those decisions.
Of course she doesn't want to change after just settling, but she's a child surely! isn't it up to us parents to sometimes take thoses tough decisions for her!!
Have also now got a FB message from her Mum, suggesting that I should maybe have waited to talk to DD before announcing on FB. Firstly, my DD has no access to FB, she's 11 FFS! and secondly, all my friends have know how hard we have fought to get DD a place at the new school. Thirdly, I hope that when my DD gets to 15, she's not openly smoking, drinking, swearing and sleeping with her boyfriend at my house!!!
Because current school is good enough for your child, doesn't mean I don't want something more for mine!!
Sorry that turned into a rant, have made neighbors sound like trash, they're not. they are a professional family, but doesn't give them the right to question my decisions about my child
Am incandescent with rage!!!

YABU to post something like that without even speaking to your DD first. It's everything to do with her. Never mind that she doesn't use FB. Would you post about being pregnant before even telling your DH if he doesn't use FB?

YANBU to make it your decision but I really wouldn't word it to her the way you have, i.e. 'You are a child so for the next few years it'll be our decision'. I would have tried to get her to change her mind with gentle persuation by explaining why school X is preferable.

Talk about a Primer on How to Make Mountains out of Molehills.

My dd is 13. Incredibly sensible, very academic and very very bright (the school say so, so it's not just me). When we were going through the options of secondary schools, we found 5 or 6 that we liked and then gave her the choice. That's all. She's at our first choice of school, which is very good but not the best.

I agree with you op. At 11, she will be fine being moved, especially as she makes friends easily.

I would find it hard to ignore neighbours who stuck their oar in as yours are, but you kind of asked for it by putting on fb in the first place. However, sending a text is beyond rude. You have no idea how she questioned your dd anyway. It is quite easy to lead someone to give the answers you think are "right", especially children (even 11 year olds). She could quite easily have said something along the lines of "leaving your friends" or "having to find new friends" which would lead anyone to see a change in more negative terms.

Ignore them though, unless they collar you in RL (the fact they haven't tells you they're just busybodies; if they were truly concerned they'd have talked to you face to face before now).

I'm another one whose parents gave me a choice..... and now I really wish they hadn't. I know for a fact that I would have done so much better if I'd gone to the "good" school.

Looking back now, I feel like my parents didn't care enough to insist. And I feel like I missed out on an education and had fewer opportunities.

I agree with blisterpack though, try to persuade her and make her come to her own conclusion that it's the best decision.

I don't think you're unreasonable to change your DD's school. You have discussed it with her, and yes, you have to do what you think is best.

I do however, think that FB is wrong.

I hope she doesn't tell one of her friends, who says 'Oh yes. I already knew, mum told/showed me from FB.'

She should have been told first, even if she never knows that you FB it.

I'm finding all the assumptions made here hilarious. Where do you get bragging from? If she's 11 she's been at this one school for a few weeks, yes? OK, she might have settled, but it's not like she's been there a year, and 3 of her best friends are going to the new school. Oh yes, and her parents know what's best for her.

OP, you need to just say to your neighbours 'thank you, we've discussed all the issues with dd, and will be supporting her through this transition. We're sure this is the right decision', and if they interfere again (or if they try to counsel her - grr), ask that that mind their own.

You sound as bad as each other, them for unsolicited advice, you for bragging on FB and for saying the school might be good enough for them but not for you.

to the lot of you.

If your DD doesn't know by the time she comes home, some of her friends will by the time she gets to school tomorrow morning. Do you just not get this about social media? You aren't just telling your circle of friends, you're telling their circle of friends, who are telling their circle of friends, etc etc etc.

I think you ought to have told your dd before you told anyone else. She has a right to know, before the neighbours!

That said, it is absolutely right for you to select the school that you think will be better for your child. Naturally, she will be nervous about changing schools, but at 11, I don't think she is old enough to know what is best for herself, in the long run. That's why parents have to make these decisions.

You need to tell your neighbours that this is your business, that you know better than their 20 year old, childless daughter and you would like them to refrain from telling you how to raise your own child. I would block my fb posts from them, so they can't see my updates. You do, to an extent, invite comment, if you post all your business on fb, though.

If you don't deal with your neighbours, they will continue to interfere. I would scale back on contact and not share so much information with them.

Even if there is no chance of your DD finding out from someone else, it's just not right to have told your daughter's business to all your friends and acquaintances on Facebook before you even told her.

By using PMs and text rather than scrawling all over your FB wall, your neighbours/friends are showing rather more discretion than you have done, OP. Sorry.

I meant to add though, your neighbours had no right to interfere, and sounds like you have made the right decision schoolwise.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I want to tell OP I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to make this decision on behalf of your daughter. I'm slightly aghast at the number of people who would leave that decision to their child! At the age of 11, I desperately wanted to go to my Mum's ols school, for no other reason than that my Mum had gone there. I knew nothing about exam results, facilities, school policies. I sat the 11-Plus without really knowing why I was doing it (no extra coaching or preparation required in those days - I think my Mum told me I was doing an IQ test) and ended up getting into the local grammar school instead. I can still remember my Mum's triumphant face when she got the letter and announced that I'd got in - I burst into tears, ran to my room and sobbed like a baby.

Of course, my Mum got it spot-on - I went to a great school, got decent grades without working too hard, and even met DH there. I've had a lovely life with him, we have three beautiful children, and NONE of it would have happened if my Mum had listened to me at the age of 11. I'm so glad she didn't. One day, your daughter will be glad too.

Good luck!

Just go round there and go BERSERKO

then tell us all about it

You are aghast? really? do you not know how facebook works? If one of your friends comments on your post, or "likes" it, this will, unless they have made their comments private will appear on their "wall" so anyone who is on THEIR friends list will see it. So it is perfectly feasible that one of her school friends will pick this up when at school (they will be checking FB on their phones in break classtime). So yes, its not unlikely that she will find out.

Had she been all for the idea then fine, but now you have put her in a position where she doesn't get to choose when and how to tell her friends as everyone will know before she does.

FWIW i think its a good decision to choose the best school, but in typical 11 year old stylee your DD wont see this so will be upset - you really could, and should, have handled this better.

YABU re Facebook, it's the work of the devil

YANBU about not letting an 11 year old choose her own school, you decide what is best for her right now. My soon to be 11 yo would choose clown college given the choice.

^Am not friends in the slightest with DDs friends so am still aghast as to how you would imagine it would get to DD before she comes home.
As my neighbor suggested, 'maybe' one of her friends will go home for lunch and 'maybe' their mum will tell them the news, and then 'maybe' that friend will relay the news to DD.^

Look, I get that you don't talk to your child, but other parents do talk to their children!

But even if your daughter never finds out about all this, it is still rude and disrespectful to your daughter.

Sorry but yabu, Ive been that 11 year old girl and let me tell you from experience i didnt settle in my supposedly new better for me school, instead i became withdrawn, couldnt study properly and got bullied for being so quiet as i found it hard to make new friends, Im 32 now and still find it hard to have some self confidence and i do put it down to my parents putting me through the upheaval of leaving my friends to go to a new school.

I never wanted to go and to be honest i still blame my parents a bit for doing that to me. At 11 your daughter deserves a say at least, if you can talk her round then fine, but if she is kicking and screaming to stay where she is with her friends, then sorry but why would you do that to your friend.

p.s. why use the school as an excuse for your daughters supposedly drinking and smoking when shes older, surely its down to the parents how your child behaves, nothing to do with the school they go to

Otoh, I too didn't want to move schools (was 14) and considered that my parents were dragging me to the arse end of nowhere (and I'd just got a new boyfriend). Turns out they were right and I was wrong. I made some lovely friends, did well academically and even met my now dh as a result of that move.

The bf that I didn't want to leave behind, slept with my friend shortly after I left!

You can never know for sure how things will turn out - all you can do is make the best choice based on the information you have available at the time.

Your child , your decision.

For what its worth, when my daughter was teacher training we had some 'humdinger' arguments. IMO their heads are filled with all this idealistic claptrap information.

Daughter now in 2nd year of 'real teaching' My how her opinions have changed!!

DD came in from school none the wiser, sat her down and talked to her. She is over the moon. Has phoned her friend who she will be starting with, cue loads of screaming! then phoned other friends already at the school. Only hard job now is to get her to concentrate for her last two days at current school.
Obviously the right decision for all of us.
Now counting down til 7 when I can take DD2s friend home and crack open a very large bottle of wine

Excellent result. am glad she is pleased and it is all working out for you.

People announce deaths, births, school places and farts on freekin' FB, so thats kind of irrelevant.

I would not leave educational decisions to my daughter at 11.

Very pleased she is happy about it, but even if she wasn't, I agree 11 is too young to be in charge of those decisions.

My feeling is that the 20 year old trainee teacher had a 'chat' with your DD which went 'You will miss you new friends when you change schools' and your DD agreed with that!!

You posted information on Facebook that nobody really needed to know.
You have thus placed the decisions you have made for your family under public scrutiny and invited the crazies at large to share their opinion.
That's how it works, why are you so surprised?