To become a young mum (long, sorry)

[bigears22]

I have been thinking about posting this for a while, I'm somewhat of a lurker but have name changed too.

I am 22 and DP is 23, we have been together for three years now and are madly in love have been from day one. DP has a stable, reasonably well paid job. I however am a student coming up to my final year.

I have never had the desire to be in a high flying job, but the degree I am doing will lead me into a professional role, I have no intention of giving it up and will give it my all (I am enjoying it, progressing well- with high marks). In my heart I see myself as a mum and it may sound cheesy but that's what I want to be. The job is to support us.

DP wants children too, there is no pressure from either side and it's a joint decision. He has relatively young parents, I myself did not... Dad 40 and mum late 30's when they had me.

Here's where it gets tricky. If I was to have got pregnant earlier I wouldn't be doubting things but we have been trying to conceive for 2 years for people of our age that's unusual. I have had blood tests that have come back clear and we are waiting to do a seamen analysis. I'm just scared that there will be something wrong with one or both of us. The infertility world is not set up for people of our age. IVF is 23, we would get laughed at if we wanted to adopt.

I am not naive about having children, over the years I have been trusted to look after other peoples children, I know it's hard. There are pros and cons to having children young and there are pros and cons to having them late.

Perhaps this isn't an am I being unreasonable? But, I'm looking for some experiences, comments or ideas.

Please be gentle - but honest too.

You won't be laughed at if you adopt. Have to say that!

I don't think 23 is all that young, you sound settled and happy so I don't see what's wrong with thinking about the next steps in your lives and if that includes children then thats fine.

You are young enough to take your time though, so don't put yourself under too much pressure.

I would also say (and its personal opinion) that it could be prudent to get your degree finished, and get into a job (mat leave!) as I did things the wrong way round somewhat, had no job, a degree and a baby, no mat leave, and no job to return to... although I liked being a SAHM very much, it was very difficult to find a job (after an extended maternity leave of 8 years!). I'm happy now, but could have made life a lot easier if I'd planned a little better.

Good luck! (I was 29 when I had my first, but still felt young)

I had my pfb when I was 20 - I was married and we had our own house, and my then H was working full time, me part time. We tried for well over a year before I got pregnant, and it seemed like so much longer at the time, everwhere I went there were babies galore and it was awful, like the whole world wanted to rub my nose in it. "They" say that the more you think and worry and stress about it, the less likely it is to happen, and certainly, once pfb was here, I got pregnant in either the first or second month of trying every time.
You have got lots of time, even when it seems like it's already been forever, don't give up hope just yet. I know it's hard, and easier said than done though.

Yanbu and sound like you're thinking it through.

I fell pregnant at 21. Total surprise! We'd been together 3 years at that point and it was on our to do list but not for a few years. Came to having number 2 and after 18 months of trying I went for blood tests and all was o.k. I fell pregnant a few weeks later. It was just one of these things!

Good luck with whatever you decide. I'm happy being a younger mum and console myself with the thought that he'll be 18 and I'll still only be 40 and we can hit the clubs together! Yeah right, like he'll want to be seen with me!!

YANBU. There's nothing wrong with having children in your early twenties, it's not like you're 15. I had DS at 22 and even though it happened in less than perfect circumstances, I loved it and it didn't stop me from working or enjoying my life. It sounds like you are in a loving relationship, with steady income, with potential for an income of your own...sounds perfect.Tbh I don't get the idea that women somehow waste their life if they have children early. If possible, it's great for many reasons- you have more energy, you're still young when they fly the nest, you have the fertility window open for longer should you wish to have lots of them etc etc.

Hope the tests will shed some light on the reason for difficulties in conceiving and you will have a lovely little baby soon

Hello,

I'm in what is completely the opposite boat to you (being somewhat ancient) but I've also been TTC for 2 years and know how rubbish it is when you want something and just can't get it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a young mum at all - you sound lovely, far more competant and together than I was at 22.

If you're having preliminary tests to see why you've not yet conceived, I'd continue having those until something turns up - there are a lot of steps that can be taken before IVF so you may well be 23 by the time those have all been completed.

Personally, I'd get my degree under my belt and find a job I like, that isn't too stressful and that has maternity benefits. Having a baby is such a short period of time in relation to your entire life so it's worth having the other building blocks in place in case that one particularl one doesn't happen as soon as you'd like.

All the best, and good luck.

I had my first at 23 and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would get your degree finished and get a job first, means mat leave, more stability and if you have a hard pregnancy this could really affect how well you do at uni.

I am 25 with a 3.9 year old and due my second in november. I left a career path when pregnant with DD and want to retrain but cant now until atleast next year.

So while I dont think theres anything wrong with being a young mum, dont put so much pressure on yourself just yet. Finish your degree and find employment. It really will make it easier and enable you to enjoy your kids instead of struggling!

YANBU at all, I guess if you do find out now that there is something wrong then you could say you are 'lucky' to find out now rather than using contraception blindly for the next 10yrs and then find out (I hope you see my point here, I don't mean to trivialise). I personally know a couple who had NHS IVF at the age of 23, it worked for them and they have a baby boy so there is no reason to believe there would be any professional resistance if you went down this path. I do hope that your test results are good though and you get what you are looking for.

Regarding your age, I graduated at 21 and am in a professional job (although I am very career minded) I fell pregnant aged 23 when DP and I had been together 6yrs and had DD at 24. I took a very short maternity leave as I always had one eye on my career path. It's a lot to juggle but if your relationship's strong and it's what you really want you'll do brilliantly. DD is now 16mo and i'm considering DC2.

Good luck!

I had my first at 19, halfway through my degree.
It's not easy, but tbh I don't think there's a "perfect" age to have a baby.

wow, thanks for the lovely (and speedy) replies. In mine and DP's ideal world the baby would have been born over the summer before returning to the final year. Less stress, juggling and pressure of the course. But nothing works out how you would like!
I must admit though I am very worried about telling my DM that we are trying to conceive and I suppose that's when I feel immature.

MamaGeekChic I completely agree with you on the masking of contraception. I am very thankful in a sense to be uncovering it early, hanging around the conception boards you realise how lucky you are to be working with your biological clock rather than against it. I must say how thankful I am to those MNetters over there they give amazing advice, I never mention my age though.

You're not that young and you sound like you'd be fantastic parents. And you don't need to tell your mum you're ttc (though dropping some hint about babies might be a good idea if you haven't already) I was 25 when I started ttc and woun't have dreamed of telling my parents!

OP

Being a parent is great, but it can also be tedious, and extremely limiting of anything else you may want to do in life.

Being in the final year of your course at uni, just about to complete nearly 18 years of education is a daunting time. You have been on a conveyor belt in which you have only had to make choices from a limited range of safe option such as exam subjects, and everything else is structured for you. Suddenly the world is your oyster. You can do anything (and still be a mum in 5 or 10 years time)

If you become a mum now the options become much more limited. Why the urgency to to it now, before you've even had a go at finding out what you are capable of?

A "high flying job" vs a job to support you is a bit of a characiture of the options available to you. In your profession there are probably private sector and public sector options, big companies and small ones, different specialisms and directions to go in. You don't know what will spark your potential until you try it. That is much harder with a baby in tow.

Certainly continue to investigate your and DPs fertility issues in case there is a problem, but dont jump into motherhood as the next safe option instead of finding out what you have to offer (and learn) in the adult world.

23 is not too youn - I am your age with a 3.5yr old and 1.5 yr old - you wouldn't get laughed at for wanting to adopt if you went down that route a good friend of mine just adopted 3 month old twins and she turns 21 at the end of the month. It's your choice if your serious about looking at adoption etc don't let your age stop you.

YANBU

There is no one right time for a baby. if it feels right for you then go for it! And there is no need to tell your mum about TTC. The first my mum knew about it was when i was nearly 2 months pregnant! But if she is approaching or just past 60 then I expect she will be very excited to become a Grandmother!

I was 23 when DD was born. DH and I married fairly young, too. Our reasons for bringing our baby plans forward were that my mum was deathly ill and there was a strong possibility that she would die young. Thankfully she's still here and has a grandson now, too.

Becoming a parent (twice) before 27 is wonderful and exhausting. With hindsight and the knowledge that mum wasn't going to die in 2009 despite her best efforts, I would have waited.

That being said I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey to parenthood. Birth or adoption, you will have your baby and no-one will laugh.

hlipop and MakeItALarge Thanks for the success stories of your friends, that's very positive news. I'm glad younger parents are not considered write offs :)

Himalaya thanks for your honesty. I have to say that if I was given a conception enhancing drug like clomid right in the middle of my final year I am likely to question taking it because of the practicalities. I suppose that is what happens when you take control rather that naturally conceive. Like someone posted earlier there is never a perfect time to be a parent and I completely agree.

LittleWhiteWolf Thanks for your post, I'm sorry to hear you went through such a scary time with your mother. You raised another reason for me wanting to have children early, my grandparents were such an important part of my life (they died before I was 12) and I want my children to have as long as possible with theirs.

In the politest way possible, I'm a little surprised at how many younger parents are on mumsnet. In real life I don't seem to spot younger mums about.

I think you sound like you are in a great situation to have a baby. I wouldn't worry about telling your DM about ttc, just supprise her when you get pregnant.

Is it long till you turn 23? I think there are other tests that they could try before the decide IVF is the best option, have you had an HSG? I had one and got pregnant the month after, I would really recomend asking your fertility specialist if you can have one, it will also tell you if your tubes are open. The other thing is an internal ultrasound, have you had one of those?

Depending on your DP's sperm results IUI could be an option for you, I think it differes from regions but I know in some places you are entitled to IUI and then IVF if it doesn't work.

We started ttc when I was 26, it was frustrating that pregnancy didn't come easilly but I also felt lucky that I had so much time to sort out the problems. All the dr's that I met were so positive about our chances becuase I was so young.

Best of luck with everything!

I was married and had Ds by the time I was 23. And yes some people said it was too young and I'd miss out on life.

I had dd at 31 and was told it was too big and age gap and I'd left it too late and I'd miss out on life.

I've quite enjoyed my life thus far
If there was a universal right time for dcs we'd l be doing it. But the only real tight time time to have them is when you do.

22 isn't that young. I had dd at 17, bloody hard work, and isolating. But I had good family support which made it doable.

At 19 I married dd's dad and had ds. I was however divorced by 21 but that's another story and nothing to do with having the children young. Me and XH both love them dearly and he is still involved in their lives.

I think what I'm trying to get at is if it's right for you do it. Nobody else is in your shoes and their own experiences will cloud their judgement. And as others have said, there is no 'perfect time' to have a baby. Just do what you and your partner think is right and enjoy!

As for your mum there's no need to tell her you are ttc if you don't want to. I only told my mum I was ttc dc3 after a second miscarriage and 12 months of trying. Thankfully 3 months later I was pregnant (and this ones a sticky one)

I will be 26 the beginning of next year, with an 8yo, 6yo and a newborn. And I wouldn't change it for the world!

And on the subject of ttc. My DHs sperm tests had just come back all clear and I was in the doctors asking to start testing on me, when the doc did a pg test 'just in case' as it was the day before my af was due. And I got my BFP! I was in shock but sometimes it just takes a little while! Good luck!

(sorry mammoth post)

I was 24, married for 3 months () when I got pregnant with DD. But I had graduated, and wasn't working. It was easy for me to find a job when DD was born, because of my degree.

DSis had her first baby in her last year of university. She was also married and settled. She took a year out and then went back and finished a year later. Then she started up her own business.

Both sides there, and it worked out well for both of us. Whatever happens, things will somehow slot into place for you. Good luck.

honeytea I have only just turned 22 and I haven't had the HSG done yet. The referral to a specialist who will carry out further tests is dependant on Sperm analysis apparently. The doctors have been moving rather slow on the whole subject despite my pushyness, it is awkward scheduling appointments we can both attend too.

I agree with those who mention surprising my mum with a pregnancy that was how I've always wanted to break the news. However, I know how invasive some of the tests can be I've heard people are sedated for some and I can't imagine trying to hide that from my mum, also if we had to go down the ivf route I'm pretty sure you would need all the support you could get.