To become a young mum (long, sorry)

[bigears22]

I have been thinking about posting this for a while, I'm somewhat of a lurker but have name changed too.

I am 22 and DP is 23, we have been together for three years now and are madly in love have been from day one. DP has a stable, reasonably well paid job. I however am a student coming up to my final year.

I have never had the desire to be in a high flying job, but the degree I am doing will lead me into a professional role, I have no intention of giving it up and will give it my all (I am enjoying it, progressing well- with high marks). In my heart I see myself as a mum and it may sound cheesy but that's what I want to be. The job is to support us.

DP wants children too, there is no pressure from either side and it's a joint decision. He has relatively young parents, I myself did not... Dad 40 and mum late 30's when they had me.

Here's where it gets tricky. If I was to have got pregnant earlier I wouldn't be doubting things but we have been trying to conceive for 2 years for people of our age that's unusual. I have had blood tests that have come back clear and we are waiting to do a seamen analysis. I'm just scared that there will be something wrong with one or both of us. The infertility world is not set up for people of our age. IVF is 23, we would get laughed at if we wanted to adopt.

I am not naive about having children, over the years I have been trusted to look after other peoples children, I know it's hard. There are pros and cons to having children young and there are pros and cons to having them late.

Perhaps this isn't an am I being unreasonable? But, I'm looking for some experiences, comments or ideas.

Please be gentle - but honest too.

Um, thats great quoteunquote. Good for you. However, most people probably wont be performing at Glastonbury, under any circumstances!

Actually, the "safe" time, medically, to have children is between 19 and 37, so that is a fairly broad window.
As I said, there is no right time, and it depends on you, and your circumstances.
While I think for some people doing it early is a good idea, there would be no merit in going ahead and starting a family simply because of practical reasons. You have to really be ready for it in your heart, and for some that is 20, for others it's later.

I know for myself I wouldn't have been happy being a parent at 22, and was a much more stressed out person then too.
But, as I said, everyone is different.

"n mine and DP's ideal world the baby would have been born over the summer before returning to the final year."

that was a seriously terrible plan

Fraud I have to agree with AThing.

You started TTC two years ago, at the age of 20, having been together only one year and having three years of university left?

Sorry but you don't seem sensible at all to me.

It's so lovely to hear on MN that there are couples who are madly in love

I don't think 23 is too young.
However, your work life will benefit if you can finish your degree and work for at least a year before getting pregnant - imo.
It is worrying though if you are having trouble conceiving at this age - although on the plus side you have plenty of time to do somethign about it if you need to.
good luck

most people probably wont be performing at Glastonbury

anyone can be a part of the festival, you simply phone up tell them what you would like to contribute in the way of performance, it can be anything just think of something creative,In the past I've made giant insect costumes and had friends help fill them, they give you tickets, vehicle passes, and petrol money depending on how good your idea is(if it is really good you get paid also), the whole point of festivals is they are inclusive, I never been to a festival without being a part of it, so much more fun.

I must be the only person with quite a few friends that are now finding they can't have children, some of which are really beating themselves up over earlier abortions and miss opportunities, I know that a lot of women felt pressured into not having children in their late teens and twenties.

The longer you leave it the greater the gamble, it really depends how important it is to you to have children.

I know that friends who completed their families earlier on have often found that employers like that, as they know that they won't be off on endless maternity leaves, unfair as that might be, there are always pluses to both ways, I've done both, and I know that pregnancies are easier the younger you are.

Yes, I am sure all of that has elements of truth quoteunquote, but given that this is a parenting website, I think the majority would say things along the lines of-yes go ahead, nothing better than kids etc etc.
I am just trying to redress the balance a little bit.
I ended up being a single parent, which many women do-check out lone parents on here to see that sometimes women get left holding the baby with no financial or emotional support.
I hope that wont happen to OP, and I am sure it wont, but when you have children you need to know that you are emotionally strong enough to be able to cope with that, because it does happen.
At 29, I was able, at 21 I know I wasn't, that's all.
Many are, and do a fantastic job, but the reality of having children is not always the rose tinted utopia.
In my situation, my life did have to become boring for a while, because I had no choice but to be home every night.
Because I had travelled extensively, and had a lot of experience that I just couldn't have had as a lone parent, I was grateful that I had done this prior to becoming a mum.

I appreciate that nowthen thank you. That's why I chose to post on the aibu page, I think there are quite a few non mums that post and lurk I thought I might get a bigger range or responses than on the conception or chat board.

Haven't read all the posts but personally I think you are still quite young to be having a baby if you have the option of a really good job.

I was 23 when I had my dd, best thing I ever did!! The way I look at it when you are old, are you going to look back on your life and regret not having children or not pursuing your career??

Personally, I don't think I will as it may be more difficult but I would be able to finish my degree and get into the career I am aiming for. So I suppose it's not an either or situation so I can't really regret it... I suppose

By the way I was completing my Masters when pregnant and when she was newborn

Proof that it can be done. :)

Indeed it can, I am also a single parent (ex has minimal contact) so if I can do it then anybody can! My dd is 3 now, and I wouldn't change a thing she is an utter joy!

I started ttc at 20 in my last year of uni. Thank god i did, uncovered fertility problems. DS1 arrived at 28 DS2 at 31. who knows what would have happmed if i waited till 30.

Bigears -

I don't think it is necessarily that you are "too young" - I just think that it may not be the best timing. The assumption that finishing your degree means having "gained a profession" seems shaky. It takes more than a piece of paper to be established in a career (although I don't know what your field is so I could be off the mark...).

Certainly I would never hire, or want to consult a professional who was just saw it as 'a living'. I would be wary of hiring a graduate trainee who wasn't flexible, didn't seem particularly interested in the role and was clearly preoccupied with the business of being a new mum.

The first few years of parenthood are hard as becoming a mother changes everything. The first few years in a career are also really hard, and important as you are launching yourself from the structure of education into the real world. It is immensely difficult to do both at the same time, particularly if you are not that excited by your chosen profession.

Maybe you chose the wrong degree, or followed a pathway that doesn't excite you any more. There are decisions to be made about this. There are other options to explore. Having a baby right now means you don't have to make these decisions because it will radically reduce your options.

23 is a great age..it the age we had our first, second at 24, 3rd born 10 weeks ago, I'm 28 now. I was pregnant through an access course and started Uni monday. We will be trying for another, well, now actually (not right now obviously, i'm not that good a multi tasker!) Cant see why it should be so hard, I will be paying my MIL for childcare, (same price as I'd pay a nursery) and juggling buses/trains/school pickups and drop offs... will be fine I'm sure. I see no reason at all why you couldnt make it work if it is what you want, good luck :)

YANBU. In your situation I would keep on TTC and continue to see if you can find out what is causing the delay in conceiving, but at that age I wouldn't rush to have either IVF or to adopt. I wouldn't tell your family just yet either but you might want to tell them once you have finished your degree before you start any fertility treatment. Aim to finish your degree and get a couple of years of work under your belt. If you get pregnant in that time then great, if not time to save some money for fertility treatment. Presumably you have reading the book "taking charge of your fertility".

YADNBU. I desperately want children of my own (DP and I are both 23 and I'm a nanny which is both gleeful and torture!) especially because I have health issues that will likely make it difficult for me later on. I feel exactly the same way you do RE the only thing you want to do is be a parent.

I would say that finishing your degree first would be an idea, as I reckon that could easily get pushed aside once you have a child and you should really just get it out of the way while you can.

Though I'd say you probably are naive about having children... I'd call myself naive about having children and I work with them daily /

Good luck though! :)

OP, my advice would be to concentrate on your degree and get some work experience in your field before you have children. It may be that some time down the road, your DP's job prospects change and you may need to take up the mantle. A degree is good but work experience is far better.

WRT not conceiving so far, well myself and DP had this problem and I got myself checked out showing no probs. When it was up to DP to get himself checked out he chose to speak to his Chinese acupunturist and was given some pills (not sure what they were but the ingredients list was full of semen X, Y and Z). Anyway they worked a treat after nearly 2 years of trying we conceived within a month of him taking them. Interestingly, second time round took one try help at all.

In your shoes I would keep trying to find the reason for your infertility while finishing your degree and getting a couple of years experience in your line of work. Try and be as relaxed as possible about it. At least you have time to play with if there are fertility issues.

We TTC a second child for 4 years. It was really frustrating as lots of professionals are really dismissive about secondary infertility. I really wish now we had started a bit earlier - maybe mid 20's instead of 30. I think I do motherhood better now then had I been in my early 20's and of course we are more secure etc.

Saying that I know lots of top young mums! But I wouldn't have been one.