To become a young mum (long, sorry)

[bigears22]

I have been thinking about posting this for a while, I'm somewhat of a lurker but have name changed too.

I am 22 and DP is 23, we have been together for three years now and are madly in love have been from day one. DP has a stable, reasonably well paid job. I however am a student coming up to my final year.

I have never had the desire to be in a high flying job, but the degree I am doing will lead me into a professional role, I have no intention of giving it up and will give it my all (I am enjoying it, progressing well- with high marks). In my heart I see myself as a mum and it may sound cheesy but that's what I want to be. The job is to support us.

DP wants children too, there is no pressure from either side and it's a joint decision. He has relatively young parents, I myself did not... Dad 40 and mum late 30's when they had me.

Here's where it gets tricky. If I was to have got pregnant earlier I wouldn't be doubting things but we have been trying to conceive for 2 years for people of our age that's unusual. I have had blood tests that have come back clear and we are waiting to do a seamen analysis. I'm just scared that there will be something wrong with one or both of us. The infertility world is not set up for people of our age. IVF is 23, we would get laughed at if we wanted to adopt.

I am not naive about having children, over the years I have been trusted to look after other peoples children, I know it's hard. There are pros and cons to having children young and there are pros and cons to having them late.

Perhaps this isn't an am I being unreasonable? But, I'm looking for some experiences, comments or ideas.

Please be gentle - but honest too.

I was 24 when I had my first. My sister was 18! So
I didn't feel young!

I have always wanted to foster or adopt a child and when we are finished having our children this is what we will do. You wouldn't get laughed at! It's a massive thing to take a child into your home and love that hold as though they were your own, it's to be comended not laughed at.

However I am sorry you can't seem to conceive although I have known many couple who tried IVF for years and then just fell naturally so you are very young to be thinking you could be infertile forever.

Hope the situation sorts itself out for you - good luck x

you sound amazingly sensible and secure. get babies asap. the younger you are the more likely you are of a successful outcome, i think. when your children go to school you'll have decades of uninterrupted career-time.

23 isn't that young. I have mates who've had babies at that sort of age and they seem very happy.

I do slightly think that if you've gone from home to university and that's it, it might possibly be worth delaying a little to see how it feels to be out in the world? I'm only saying this because when I was 22 and finishing university, I thought I would love to settle down with my then-partner and be domestic, with a nice 'pays the rent' kind of job until we had children.

I did it for a year and it drove me up the wall!

I am pretty sure you should take this with a pinch of salt (because my ex was a total wanker and your partner is someone you've been in love with for three years so I hope and trust he is not!). But I do think maybe a bit of time being outside the university bubble might be good if you are still trying to come to a decision about what to do.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

LRDtheFeministDragon thanks for your experience, I've well and truly had my uni bubble popped before going into it! I've been driven through it by the prospect of a decent job at the end. For two years before uni I worked before at a lower level of the profession I will gain at the end (if that makes sense- trying not to give away too much) I've also been working around uni and living the boring domesticated life bits too! But, if I had read the post I would be thinking similar and definitely think many of the students in my class will be shocked when they finish the degree and unfortunately may have to be pulled out from cowering in the corner

23 isn't really young to become a parent, and there are advatnages to being younger

I would say that in my experience (I am a mum through adoption) most adoption agencies don't consider people under ~24/5. The average age to adopt is about 38, and anything under 30 is a young age to adopt. Most agencies seem to feel that under ~24 is too young, either because they feel you haven't had enough 'life experience' or feel you are too young to give up on ttc. I don't myself think that's in any way always the case, but IME you might have to wait a couple of years if you really wanted to adopt over having biological children. If you do want to have biological children, then go that route first and go as far as you emotionally can down the IVF route. Some people are done after maybe 2 attempts, others will exhaust all conception routes before switching to adoption

Also, if you are younger, IME they would probably want you to adopt a younger child. i don't think my LA would approve an under 25 to adopt a child older than 5

We had our first baby at 23 and would not change a thing about having our kids young. If you can afford it (sounds like you can) then do it. It is lovely now being still young (well in my head not the dcs) that we are younger parents to have some good times with them as teens. I was a stay at home Mum, studied and still young enough to build a successful career now. Do what you feel right for you both, you sound like you will make caring parents.

I don't think you're too young at all. I had IVF whrn I was 23, DH was 25.

It's a gruelling treatment, very tiring and stressful, it's easier to deal with if you're younger & have plenty of time left.

A friend of mine had her first cycle of IVF when she was 37, and she felt as though time was against her.

big, oh, well then, go for it! It was the only tiny thing I could think of to suggest, but it sounds as if you've thought of everything and are not remotely rushing into this.

Best of luck.

Another one here saying you're not that young!

Our generation is the first (or possibly second) in which 23 year old women are expected to be irresponsible young whipper-snappers preoccupied with nothing more serious than a Hollywood wax versus a Brazilian. It's bollocks. 23 year olds can and do take tremendous responsibility for everything from family to careers.

My sister married at 18 and had her first at 19. She is a wonderful mother including to a boy with SN.

I married at 20 and fail to see that 20 year olds are anything other than proper adults.

Good luck! You sound great.

Although 23 is not too young to have a baby, you really need to finish your degree first.

It would be very hard to have a baby in the summer then go back to your course, plus the extra stuff you get with pregnancy.

It's a totally personal decision and you seem sensible and its obviously something you have thought about a lot. I'd be inclined to finish my degree before getting pregnant though. I had my first at 19, unplanned, single and had to move in with my parents. Luckily I met my h2b soon after and we now have a dd aswell. I am still a sahm with no qualifications above A level. It's a lot harder to do any of that now I have children.

I was younger than you when I had my first, who is now 22 and loving university,

If I hadn't had him, I wouldn't of had any other children,because I have very serious problems with pregnancy, it then took us over ten years to have another, continuous pregnancies, if we hadn't known it was possible for me to manage it, we would of had to give up,

I think we were brilliant parents first time round, certainly DS1 thinks he had a lovely childhood,

I have so many friends that are not going to have babies because they assumed that they could put it off until their 30s, that just such a gamble, don't risk it, go for it now.

If we had had the children we wanted when we wanted them we would now have an empty nest, quite a few of my friends who completed their families in late teens/early 20s are now kicking up their heels, there are benefits both ways, we certainly didn't miss out on anything having a child earlier on,

the other thing that I think is a benefit from having them early is that you find it easier to adjust your life, lots of my friends are finding it much harder to adjust their lives in their 30s.

having done both having children earlier and later, I would really recommend knocking them at out as early as possible.

I don't think 23 is young, I had my DS at 19 and then waited for him to start school and then went to university. I'd say finish your degree first it is a lot easier without children.

I was 25 when I had my first so don't believe 23 is too young. A couple of years makes very little difference though, and as you say, more options will open up re: fertility treatments if needed.

I would recommend you finish your degree first too, as there are so many changes coming that you may never get the chance to finish and I really think you will regret it.

Whatever you choose, good luck.
:)

Yanbu.

I had my ds at 18, my dd at 20 I'm now 24 and expecting our last baby. In hindsight at 18 I was too young, adored my ds and being a mum but fear gripped his arrival and I struggled a lot without sleep, by 20 I was totally ready and 16mo ds and newborn dd were a doddle. I'm exceptionally happy being a parent, as is dp, he's nearly 3yrs older than me.

It doesn't matter how you become parents or at what age, you seem very sensible and together, good luck :)

I waited till my late 20s, I wouldn't change a thing as I have such a lovely DS :-) and I don't really 'do' regrets IYKWIM. But I do sometimes think I'd have a lot more energy to deal with parenthood if I'd started a bit younger! I was much more fearless and strong at 23, I think you're a great age to become a mum and you also sound like you will be a wonderful parent.

FWIW I know loads of mums who started their families much younger than you and they have loved it and are brilliant mums.

I'd also ignore the 'oh think of all the stuff you'll miss out on', ha, when your DC are growing up and needing you less you'll be young (eg 40s) and have loads of time to enjoy more carefree years then. IMO the joy my DS has brought me and DH is 1million times better than any of the 'fun' stuff you do in your 20s. Plus you'll have loads of years ahead of you once they've flown the nest to develop your career etc. It's up to you what order you do this stuff in and if you feel ready, you are ready.

Good luck!

You wouldn't get laughed at if you wanted to adopt.

They would want to know that you have come to terms with whatever diagnosis that you have been given and that your relationship was strong.

Whilst your mum may be of the opinion that you would be better waiting, as all mums would be, until your degree is finished, i am sure that you needing IVF would change her opinion.

Having to wait, a couple of years, may be a good thing, though.

I am in Liverpool and there has been a pioneering breakthrough in testing the viability in embro's, which will massively increase the chances of a successful pregnancy. This will lead to other improvements being made in IVF treatment as this has added to the knowledge surrounding viable pregnancies.

I would plan to finish your degree, whilst finishing off the tests and making any enquires into IVF or adoption, tbh.

I had my children young and it was lucky that i did, as i had a forced 10 year gap, because of fertility problems.

I used time off as a SAHM, to do extra qualifications and do voluntary work, which added to my CV and practice. Done the other way round, i dont think that i would have been as good at my job and have offered as much as i do, as a mature worker, with life experience.

Lovebunny "when your children go to school you'll have decades of uninterrupted career-time."

This is a huge fallacy. I don't think we should be spreading it.

MN discussions are full of women who have realised that school which starts at 9am and ends at 3:30pm does not give uninterrupted career time, that a seven year old degree with no work experience is worth very little and that their career options are severely limited.

Yes there is no perfect time to have children, and we each have to choose. But I don't think it is fair any to continue to tell younger women that it is easy to pick up your career when your kids go to school.

But you have that interuption whether you have them young or older.

It can work well to have your children younger, depending on the career that you are going into. It depends on how many children you have and how long out of the workplace, paid or voluntary that you are.

It is individual to how much help you have with childcare.

But I don't think it is fair any to continue to tell younger women that it is easy to pick up your career when your kids go to school

I've never had a problem, I think it probably helped,because we had children we had to organise ourselves accordingly, I created a career around the situation, I very much doubt that if I didn't have children I would of set up my own company, it what you make it.

I wish someone had been around to tell me that having a baby and then a gap before you worked is not the end of the world. Women have the advice about career gaps after their degrees coming out of their ears, I reckon. We're always being told to put it off.

I was a young mum at 19 and had a child whilst at university. It wasn't easy, but I did well and there was tons of support in terms of childcare fees, additional parent grants etc. I followed it up with a MSc and further professional qualifications, so I didn't start working at all until the dc started school. I had a ton of energy back then and would study for hours after they'd gone to bed - couldn't do that now!

I think in many ways I do have an advantage over my colleagues my age (early thirties), who are currently stepping off the career ladder to marry and have dc and are having to request p/t hours or flexible working. My dc are secondary aged now and don't need any childcare, which has boosted my career even though I started a little later. I think I had a more relaxed attitude towards parenting as a young parent too, compared to all the mums around me, although that's partly due to the change in attitude towards parenting these days.

I'm slightly overwhelmed by the support and experiences of all the replies. It has really put me at ease, quite therapeutic who knows it might get me that bfp we are after.

What's so interesting is the changing attitudes of society, like mentioned before many people were having children younger its the pressure to put careers before families. Our trouble conceiving has deffinately made me want to tell people planning doesnt always work.

I think-do whatever you want. There is no right time, other than between about 18 and 42 I guess.
Having said that, I wouldn't have given up my early 20's to changing nappies. I had a very wild time in my 20s...
But everyone is different.
Good luck

I had a very wild time in my 20s

so did I, performed on stage a Glastonbury quite a few times as well as lots of other festivals, and many other things, you don't have to sit at home being boring,

out of all of my friends who had babies around about the same time, all have gone on to have on interesting jobs, one a doctor, a few teachers, nurses, midwives, quite a few have their own businesses, engineers,architects endless list, all of us had babies at an age that caused cat bum faces,

all of those babies have gone on to have really interesting lives,all have gone to uni, and on to great things, young mums are great.

I think it about 26 your pregnancy gets marked down as mature, because your body does pregnancy best much earlier,

I think it's very dangerous to advice women to put off pregnancy until later, no one knows what that could cost them, and once the chance has gone it gone for good.