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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with ex DP for stopping maintenance

120 replies

TraineeBabyCatcher · 17/09/2012 13:49

Ex dp has ended his contract at work with effect from next month (decision was made months ago) he has decided to go travelling for a while (could be weeks, could be months, I don't know, I suspect latter from what has been said) and has informed me today that that will mean the end of maintenance.

Am I being unreasonable to think seen as he has been planning this for months he could have saved some money to give for ds seen as he won't be working.

OP posts:
sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 19:41

Most mature people in education with children are also working!
If they are not they have been working in the past therefore paying tax whats the difference from somone at uni with no children and one with children?
There is NONE both are trying to do somthing with their lives!! To get a better job and earn more money.

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:45

One has themselves to support the other also has kids to support. You get far more support fr the state in general if you have kids

thekidsrule · 17/09/2012 19:46

  • OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Mon 17-Sep-12 18:48:34 Maybe he is bettering himself by traveling. People can learn a lot from travelling.*

and maybe op is bettering herself by furthering her education,which do you think is a better long term gain

and some mentioned they were being selfish

hardly when one is swaning of on a carefree holiday and the other is working and studying her arse of while looking after a child a home end everything else,there is no comparrision

what a ridiculous thing to say

op YANBU good job your son has you as his father sounds like a total waster,wouldnt suprise me if he ends up on some beach in goa stumming a guitar while finding himself Hmm

ThereGoesTheYear · 17/09/2012 19:50

OP YANBU. FWIW I'm happy to pay taxes for retraining LPs. In no time you'll be paying income tax, paying back your student loan, contributing to society through your work.

LondonOne YABU.

OP, your XP is doing nothing for your DS. Not seeing him, looking after him, nor even helping with his living expenses. Whilst he'll be elsewhere whilst you're working 40 hours/week, you still look after him the other 128 hours a week. Big difference between that and your XP having an extended holiday. And whether or not he 'planned' your DS is irrelevant; he fathered a child and he shouldn't expect your DS to suffer for the sake of his extended holiday.

ToothbrushThief · 17/09/2012 19:51

Your axe grinding would be better aimed at parents who have no intention of ever supporting their choice to have children londonone

FWIW I agree that it's not the sole responsibility of a male to support a child. Shame this poor excuse for a father thinks it is the sole responsibility of a woman.

sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 19:51

You do not get alot more of the state if you have children and are in education it is a very hard thing to do!
It may be easier to get your education whilst having no children but l somtimes life is not all black and white!
Parents in education need more support and they don't need people telling them they should not be educating themselves.

susiedaisy · 17/09/2012 19:53

Disappointed by some of the crappy attitudes on this thread, didn't realise we should of all done uni before we had kids, Is there a time limit on education and learning then?? Not everyone had the opportunity to go to uni when they were 'uni age', op as I said earlier your ex is a twat for just ceasing to contribute to your dc upbringing and good luck in uni!Smile

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:55

No time limit on education and learning but there is a limit on state resources

sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 19:57

Yes there is and should be used in the right places which it is not!

susiedaisy · 17/09/2012 19:58

Without education and learning society won't prosper!

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:58

Well we all agree with that!

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 20:02

You keep banging on about 'state resources'. ANYONE doing a midwifery degree does gets if for free and gets financial support. Are you of the same opinion there then.

And look at what she will be contributing to 'the state' when she's qualified and working her arse off as a midfwife.

Well done to you OP. it's a bloody hard degree to get onto as well, yo must have worked very hard. Ignore the small minded people who would prefer you spending your life in a dead end job claiming top up benefits.

Socknickingpixie · 17/09/2012 20:05

london, you could ofcourse start your own thread about state resources rather than continue hijacking the thread of a person who you have no idea as to the extent of what state resourses she uses if any.

susiedaisy · 17/09/2012 20:06

I work alongside student midwives and they earn every measly bit of money they are given, it is a incredibly hard degree and alot do this with having a family and a doing extra bank shifts as well, I have nothing but admiration for them!

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 20:09

Exactly Susie. They have to work 38 hours a week, which include days, nights and 12 hour shifts ALL IN ONE WEEK, some people are on call too. This as well as completing assignments, looking after children, travelling and trying to maintain a basic home life.

I don't give a flying fuck, I would rather every single penny of my tax went to women and men like the OP. people who are willing to try, who are willing to work, and who are willing to better themselves. Rather than taking the easy way out.

sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 20:09

The state is currently having to review ALOT! It is down to the state that single parents feel they cannot afford to go back to college/uni . Which is WRONG!
To look at the money issue in depth you would see it is not down to benifits our welfare in this country is actually very good for those in need but it is just so we do not have to live in poverty. This country for some time now has been for making the rich better off and it is slowly but surely coming to light. Parents who are trying to better themselves are the ones doing great!

ToothbrushThief · 17/09/2012 20:09

londonone would probably like all single mothers put into a workhouse (some might liken midewifery training to that tbh)

Strawhatpirate · 17/09/2012 20:12

You are totaly not being unreasonable op ! He is a bounder and a cad! Let him fuck and start a new life in the colonies. I wish you all the best in your studies and hope you become wildly succesful in your chosen field.

sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 20:12

Sorry to anyone else having to read my threds to one person who is not even the OP.
It just gets my back up when people start saying parents have no right to education its aload of rubbish.

flippinada · 17/09/2012 20:14

This thread really shows MN at it's absolute nadir.

The OP posts about her DC's father not paying maintenance and receives a completely unwarranted character assassination, for the apparently hideous crime of planning to study while she raises her child. I mean how dare she try to better herself.

Unfuckingbelievable.

Sparklyblue · 17/09/2012 20:29

OMG, I do not believe the bashing that the OP is getting. Poor you OP.

People come on here for a bit of advice or to let off some steam and they get ripped to bits. Shock

Good for you OP in bettering yourself to give your Son a great start in life. Shame on your ex and all the shitty poeple on here giving you a hard time.

Original poster
TraineeBabyCatcher · 17/09/2012 20:35

Wow I don't know whether to cry, or be happy with some of the responses I have had.
If you would like my life story in full so you can judge me on the correct information then feel free to email me.

In brief me and ex dp were dating for a year, ds is a result of failed contraception. Ex dp didn't want him, then he did, then he didn't, then he did, then he didn't... You get the point.

Childcare is provided by a) child in full time school, b) maternal grandparents, c) paternal grandparents, c) step grandparents

My long term partner is moving in soon so our living shall be funded by his wage, the money I have saved, and any bank work i can do at our local hospital. Plus support from my parents and dps parents. Plus some bursarys which are not much higher than if I didn't have ds. We won't be loaded but we will cope. Some how.

It was not possible to finish my education before ds arrived as he was a suprise. Though it was my plan to do so.

I feel pretty shitty now. Like I shouldn't be doing this. However this is the one and only place I have recieved negative thoughts towards me 'jaunting off to uni' thankfully.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/09/2012 20:40

I never said I think OP is doing something wrong by studying. Obviously, it's a good thing for her to do.

It's the double standard that I don't like. She is doing a good thing, but right now, that good thing isn't working to earn money to provide for the child. Travelling is a good thing too, but right now, that isnt providing for the child either. Financially, the state is providing for the child, so I don't think that when it comes to money, which is the reason op started this thread, that either of them have the moral high ground.

It's the same thing. They are both relying on the state to pay for the child. The fact that one of them is studying and one if them is travelling is largely irrelevant, because neither is paying for the child.

Sarahplane · 17/09/2012 20:41

Yanbu op, your ex is being a twat. Good on you for studying to get a decent career to provide for yourself and your ds. I wish you every success.

Socknickingpixie · 17/09/2012 20:42

op you didnt have to give any of that info at all, some people are just biggoted twats who jump to conclusions based on nothing at all.