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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with ex DP for stopping maintenance

120 replies

TraineeBabyCatcher · 17/09/2012 13:49

Ex dp has ended his contract at work with effect from next month (decision was made months ago) he has decided to go travelling for a while (could be weeks, could be months, I don't know, I suspect latter from what has been said) and has informed me today that that will mean the end of maintenance.

Am I being unreasonable to think seen as he has been planning this for months he could have saved some money to give for ds seen as he won't be working.

OP posts:

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 18:58

Londone - it's paid for the NHS yes. But if she didn't have kids, it would still be paid for the NHS. So what is your point pray tell?

I don't have children, but my course next year will be paid for by the NHS.

And you know why? Because the country needs nurses and midwives. And because when they do start earning the salary does not reflect the amount of time and effort that goes into the job.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/09/2012 18:58

It's also selfish and self indulgent to have a child that you can't support and is only wanted by one parent, which for all we know, could be the case here.

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 18:59

I'm going making fajitas anyway.....

OwlLady · 17/09/2012 19:01

you can't become a father against your own will. The sooner men realise this the better. Me and dh hopefully have educated our sons to take responsibility for their OWN fertility and sexual health

The OP has nothing to do with taxpayers etc, the bloke should be paying for his child he isn't paying for her, maintenance is for the child

It's the year 2012 people

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/09/2012 19:05

I think there are a lot of double standards when it comes to maintainance, men that dont work so cant pay are the devil yet women who dont work and dont financially pay for the child are not vilified in the same way.

Both are not supporting the child so both equally as bad as each other.

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:06

Of course he should be and so should she. It appears as if neither of them thought about financial implications before they merrily decided to procreate.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/09/2012 19:11

My friend is in her final year of a midwifery course, she works her arse off as she has two kids to provide for and failure is not an option for her. She juggles childcare and work and studying because Midwifery is a lot of practical as well as college essays etc.

She is not living off the state or slacking doing what she wants, she's fighting tooth and nail to better herself and provide her children with a bright future and a strong work ethic.

Why didn't she do her learning before kids? Well she fell in love at college married the arsehole who turned out to be an abusive controlling arse. She's now back on track to what she wanted to do and the NHS and the future mothers under her care are all the better for it.

She lives hand to mouth and works really hard really excruciating hours.

Of course she could have decided well I shoulda done my learning pre-children and stayed trapped in the benefits net none of which was her fault given this is not the life she envisioned pre her marriage.

Shit happens.

I feel privileged to know her.

OP I wish you the best in your studies and your future. I hope life puts spectacular opportunity after spectacular opportunity in your path.

TribbleTuckandDismount · 17/09/2012 19:12

Since when did this thread become an attack on the OP?

Socknickingpixie · 17/09/2012 19:14

brilliant we now have benefit bashing going on in the same post that calls going to uni to qualify for a much needed job as 'living a dream' and just the same as naffing off on a jaunt leaving behind your dc.

damned if you do and damned if you dont.

how many times do you need to be told that if a child is here a absent parent has to pay maintainance.you cant just say "ohh no i didnt fancy having one so i would rather not"

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:17

Yet weirdly you can say to the state 'i just fancied having one with no means to pay for it' Mad

akaemmafrost · 17/09/2012 19:19

fuzzywuzzy I presume your friend will also be paying taxes for probably a good 30 years or so when she is qualified and working just like all people who study in order to get a better life and career.

I am really at the attitudes on this thread.

SunshineOutdoors · 17/09/2012 19:21

Wow londonone I hope you never find yourself in a situation where you are unable to make ends meet without assistance.

The op, if I understand correctly, is looking after her child full time as well as studying and working. I think that is something to be admired.

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:21

I don't think anyone has an issue with the op retraining more that we wonder how she can afford to support her child if she isn't earning any money.

Socknickingpixie · 17/09/2012 19:24

for all you know the op works as well as studys you know nothing about her finances other than her ex has decided to go on a jaunt so will be stopping maintainance.
you know nothing about the circumstances of the relationship.and its nothing to do with the issue.

she could be working,she could have been working,she could have paid lots in,equally as such she may not have done.

either way if she is using her money no matter what the source to support her child then thats what shes doing.

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:24

Well she is doing one or the other you can't look after a child full time and study full time unless of course she is carrying the child around with her in the hospital. Maybe she has parents who Offer child care, who knows. All I am saying is I fail to see how someone who isn't earning and has a child is able to support that child . Maybe she has a big inheritance or so
E other source of income and some free child care, if so good on her

Socknickingpixie · 17/09/2012 19:26

how is any of that relivant at all to the actual op?

and yes you can go to uni and work and be a parent thousands of people do it.

SunshineOutdoors · 17/09/2012 19:27

Sorry I mean looking after her child full time as opposed to sharing the looking after of the child with the child's father. So organising any childcare etc.

SunshineOutdoors · 17/09/2012 19:29

I don't know why I'm getting sucked into this.

Op I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Londonone I think you might be.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/09/2012 19:30

A lot of colleges have onsite creche facilities for their students.

OP may have a supportive friends and family network, her child may be with a chidminder or nursery there's a whole host of feasible options.

Having a baby does not mean one must give up lifes aspirations.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 17/09/2012 19:30

I am very happy if any element of the taxes I pay are contributing to the OP studying and getting a better career for herself, which purely from an economic standpoint is cheaper than many years of benefit top ups if the OP has to undertake more poorly paid jobs without the qualification.

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:34

As I just said fuzzy wuzzy!

sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 19:34

"I actually think the time to be a student is before you have kids."

LOL!!! Is this for real???

Come on what the heck is wrong with anyone trying to better their furture , kids or no kids!! Really!!

Lovelygoldboots · 17/09/2012 19:36

A father decides to leave his child for no other reason than for himself and it is somehow the mothers fault and she is selfish. Classy responses I don't think. She has written a short paragraph about her life and this is the best that she can get in terms of support. This has just been an opportunity for a couple of narrow minded posters to air their bigoted views IMO. Shocked.

sunshine401 · 17/09/2012 19:36

However if I was in the OPs shoes I would be VERY concerned about when my Ex would actually be seeing my child!!
More so than the money issue.

londonone · 17/09/2012 19:37

Really sunshine, really! Do you think there is a big money tree?

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