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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is a heartless cow

76 replies

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 12:27

Yesterday was my dd's birthday. She died of SIDS at 10 weeks. She would have been 4.
My mum 'phoned a couple of times but I ignored the 'phone as I didn't want to speak to anyone but my DH and other DC that day.
Eventually I picked up the 'phone after she left message after message and she wittered on about a holiday she'd booked and asked me twice why I was being quiet.
Twice I told her I just wasn't in a chatty mood, then said I'd ring tomorrow ( today)
She's just 'phoned to ask if I was Ok as she was worried I'd been so off with her.I said it just wasn't a good day, and she started asking why. I replied that I didn't expect her to remember the significance of the day as she never has before ( despite me telling her 3 years in a row on the day after that I would have appreciated a call even to just leave a message so I know my dd isn't completely forgotten).
her reply " well, I bet you don't remember what date your Grandma ( her DM) died. WTF has that got to do with it? For a start, she obviously twigged what I was on about but thought it was the anniversary of her death, not birth. Secondly, I still don't get the connection. It was DGD's b'day and I was upset, surely not a time to quiz me on when an 84 year old died?
I told her that was the end of the conversation and put the 'phone down; now I'm fuming and crying.
Am I over reacting or was it a callous, thoughtless thing to say?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/09/2012 12:29

YANBU - I am sorry for your loss!!

Maybe she was embarrassed and just said that as a defence mechanism because she felt shit that she had forgot??

Hope today is brighter for you.

SweetSeraphim · 17/09/2012 12:29

I do think you're overreacting a little. I can see why she made that analogy - I suppose she's trying to make the point that that's a significant date in her calendar that you don't remember.

It must be awful for you though Sad Really sorry for your loss.

LurkeyLurkerson · 17/09/2012 12:29

Utterly thoughtless.

Thanks for you xxx

rubyslippers · 17/09/2012 12:31

I don't think you're over reacting actually

And the tit for tat re your grandma sounds defensive

Am sorry for your loss Sad

valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:32

What sweet said but have a Brew and some Thanks and I'm really sorry for your loss x

mindosa · 17/09/2012 12:33

This must be an awful time for you. The fact that she is calling you repeatedly when she picks up that something is wrong shows that she certainly does care.

Some people are bad at marking dates, I know I am and maybe your Mum is just bad at that but good at other things?

BarbarianMum · 17/09/2012 12:35

YANBU to be upset and she should have been gentler. But I also agree with SweetSeraphim. I think with loss we all carry around a private calendar of significant dates, sometimes birthdays, sometimes the date of death and sometimes other days like Christmas.

JayEee · 17/09/2012 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 17/09/2012 12:41

Firstly I am so sorry about your dd. Cannot imagine what you went through.

However - I wonder whether You're being a bit harsh - suppose it depends on your normal relationship with your mother.

Obviously what happened is a massive part of you. She is one step removed from it. A generational thing might be playing its part too - I know that my own mother, and certainly her mother deals/dealt with grief in a very different way from me and others of my age.

TwistyBraStrap · 17/09/2012 12:44

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are definitely NBU - of course yesterday was significant and your mum should have respected that.

As someone else said above, remembering your GM's date of death sounded more like a defensive tit for tat than anything else.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange · 17/09/2012 12:44

No you're not over reacting. I'm sorry your mum was so thoughtless.

It makes me so mad how some folk trivialise something so important.

Pooka · 17/09/2012 12:44

And re: remembering birthdays - my pils can never remember birthdays (or at least didn't until they got iPad and calendar). I am just as bad though - try very hard to fix in memory or to keep record from one diary to another, but only have vague idea of month that FIL and mil was born and have mental block re my dad's.

I don't think that her not having the birthdate fixed in her head is necessarily callous.

cbeebiesinducedcoma · 17/09/2012 12:48

That's disgraceful as blunt as it may sound it is not a huge tragedy for an 80+ person to die it's an expected part of life.

I am so sorry about your DD that's tragic, you are not asking her to remember the day she died.

pumpkinsweetie · 17/09/2012 12:48

Thanks for you op, yanbu how thoughtless and to compare to a grandmas death aswell... im utterley speechless.
This was your baby, her grandchildSad
I remember my deceased bro's birthday every year and it is nearly 6 years since he passed.
I would be upset too op

Original poster
moogster1a · 17/09/2012 12:48

it's the fact that for the last 3 years, I've told her the day after that it would have meant a lot to me for her to have 'phoned and left a message. And each year she said how sorry she was and she's put the date in her diary.
having said that in the past I would have thought the least she would have done when she realised was say again, sorry I forgot, are you OK? Not, well I bet you don't know when DGM died.
.
Maybe I'm a bit emotional ( in fact, I know I am)

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 17/09/2012 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire · 17/09/2012 13:05

Yanbu at all. First of all so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. Second of all, it sounds like your mother was acting in a very selfish, hurtful manner. Losing a child is in norway comparable to losing a parent. As horrible as both are, parents go first, it's the natural order. Losing a 10 week old must have been horrendous and she should acknowledge that. Many hugs to you.

DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire · 17/09/2012 13:05

Sorry no way not Norway.

shinyrobot · 17/09/2012 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boringbitch · 17/09/2012 13:10

YANBU

So sorry for your loss Sad

OhSoSimple · 17/09/2012 13:13

YANBU but obviously your mother cares very much with her constant ringing when she picked up you were down.

Perhaps she made that analogy as she got a bit defensive. My mum used to do that sort of thing when she felt annoyed at herself.

Your mum obviously loves you very much. Xxx

lisaro · 17/09/2012 13:15

Maybe originally she was going to say something but you ignored it d
Do she decided you didn't want to talk? On the one hand you tell her you'd appreciate a call and on the other you say you don't want to speak to her and you ignore the phone. How is she supposed to know what's right or wrong? But I do also see you're grieving. So no, on this alone I don't think she's heartless, but can see you're hurt. Hope you sort it for next year.

scarletforya · 17/09/2012 13:15

Oh God, yadnbu. So sorry for the loss of your little darling xx Sad

lisaro · 17/09/2012 13:17

Sorry, don't know what happened there. I was saying maybe she would have said something, but with you not responding she may have felt you didn't want to talk about it.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/09/2012 13:18

YANBU

And even if she was feeling defensive that is no excuse to be so bloody nasty to you at a time when you were feeling fragile anyway. The two things cannot and should not be compared

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx