To think my mum is a heartless cow

[moogster1a]

Yesterday was my dd's birthday. She died of SIDS at 10 weeks. She would have been 4.
My mum 'phoned a couple of times but I ignored the 'phone as I didn't want to speak to anyone but my DH and other DC that day.
Eventually I picked up the 'phone after she left message after message and she wittered on about a holiday she'd booked and asked me twice why I was being quiet.
Twice I told her I just wasn't in a chatty mood, then said I'd ring tomorrow ( today)
She's just 'phoned to ask if I was Ok as she was worried I'd been so off with her.I said it just wasn't a good day, and she started asking why. I replied that I didn't expect her to remember the significance of the day as she never has before ( despite me telling her 3 years in a row on the day after that I would have appreciated a call even to just leave a message so I know my dd isn't completely forgotten).
her reply " well, I bet you don't remember what date your Grandma ( her DM) died. WTF has that got to do with it? For a start, she obviously twigged what I was on about but thought it was the anniversary of her death, not birth. Secondly, I still don't get the connection. It was DGD's b'day and I was upset, surely not a time to quiz me on when an 84 year old died?
I told her that was the end of the conversation and put the 'phone down; now I'm fuming and crying.
Am I over reacting or was it a callous, thoughtless thing to say?

YANBU, not at all.

I would have dealt with it differently though. I would have phoned her the day before and reminded her. I understand that you feel she should remember but as she hasn't for the last three years she was always unlikely to remember this year. I don't think it means that she didn't care for your DD or that she doesn't care for you. She is clearly thoughtless and needs managing, but ultimately what matters most is your feelings and you can help her to not upset you. Does she usually remember important dates? My DF still doesn't remember anybodies birthdays, he doesn't use a calender and, I think, he assumes someone will remind him.

Your DM may be sulky and self-absorbed but I presume she loves you and doesn't want to upset you.

I know my suggestion is passive but it doesn't mean I don't think you have a right to be annoyed by your DM?

I am so sorry about you DD.