Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is a heartless cow

76 replies

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 12:27

Yesterday was my dd's birthday. She died of SIDS at 10 weeks. She would have been 4.
My mum 'phoned a couple of times but I ignored the 'phone as I didn't want to speak to anyone but my DH and other DC that day.
Eventually I picked up the 'phone after she left message after message and she wittered on about a holiday she'd booked and asked me twice why I was being quiet.
Twice I told her I just wasn't in a chatty mood, then said I'd ring tomorrow ( today)
She's just 'phoned to ask if I was Ok as she was worried I'd been so off with her.I said it just wasn't a good day, and she started asking why. I replied that I didn't expect her to remember the significance of the day as she never has before ( despite me telling her 3 years in a row on the day after that I would have appreciated a call even to just leave a message so I know my dd isn't completely forgotten).
her reply " well, I bet you don't remember what date your Grandma ( her DM) died. WTF has that got to do with it? For a start, she obviously twigged what I was on about but thought it was the anniversary of her death, not birth. Secondly, I still don't get the connection. It was DGD's b'day and I was upset, surely not a time to quiz me on when an 84 year old died?
I told her that was the end of the conversation and put the 'phone down; now I'm fuming and crying.
Am I over reacting or was it a callous, thoughtless thing to say?

OP posts:
Original poster
moogster1a · 17/09/2012 17:10

She's very self absorbed. I never ask her for anything, especially in the way of advice / support / sympathy, but it riles that when I specifically asked for one message on one day she both doesn't do it ( I was even writing off the fact that she forgot) but then gets into some weird competitive grieving rather than just saying, sorry, I forgot.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 17/09/2012 17:18

Yanbu, your mum should support you.

I am sorry for you loss xxxxxxx

fluffyraggies · 17/09/2012 17:19

So sorry for your loss moogster Thanks

I don't think it's ANY excuse to say that it isn't a date of importance for her specifically so therefore she can't be expected to be sensitive. It's a significant date for moogster - her own daughter - so it should be significant for her too. Or at the very least she could go through the motions of showing it has significance, for her daughters sake. Not much to ask is it?

How sad OP. I am sorry.

TapirBackRider · 17/09/2012 17:23

YANBU OP.

I'm sorry that she behaves in such a careless and hurtful manner towards you. (((hugs)))

BeattieBow · 17/09/2012 17:46

I don't think yabu OP. Even if it doesn't mean much to her that your dd died (and I can't understand that), then it should still mean a lot to her that you are in pain and need her support.

I'm really sorry about your dd, I can't imagine how painful it must be. Thanks

Jux · 17/09/2012 18:04

Would you consider reminding her a couple of days before? I know you would like her to remember by herself, but it doesn't look like she's going to, and if you were to give her a heads up then you would save yourself being upset by it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/09/2012 18:10

Competitive grieving indeed. I am very sorry for your loss moogster and agree with other posters that losing a parent in their dotage must be nothing like losing a child, especially one so young. My heart goes out to you & YANBU.

lovebunny · 17/09/2012 18:30

tell her you're hurt and that next year you'd like to do something together, to remember your daughter's birthday. then plan a walk by the beach or a visit to a beautiful place, and take a lot of tissues.

this woman loves you. she might not know how to give you what you need. show her. don't assume she doesn't care that you lost your daughter - she might not know how to express her sorrow that her own beloved child has had to bear such a loss.

i am so very sorry for your loss.

kerala · 17/09/2012 18:30

Competitive grieving - dreadful. My friend still cant forget her SIL saying that it was much more upsetting for her to have a miscarriage at 7 weeks than it was for my friend whose beloved father had just died suddenly at 58.

nutellaontoast · 17/09/2012 19:50

It's lovely that some people have only have experience of nice mothers, and are assuming that she is able to support you as you need, but you have been very explicit about what you'd like from her before and I'm not sure that trying to lean on her as per lovebunny's suggestion will actually turn out sunshine and lollipops - leaning on your DP as you're inclined too seems like the right thing.

I do think you should unplug the phone next year.

TBH, you mother sounds like she has a very broad streak of narcissism, if you search this site for "narc mothers" and "toxic mothers" you may find a lot you recognise Sad.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and that your grief has been compounded by an insensitive member of the family.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 17/09/2012 20:08

YANBU at all. So thoughtless and selfcentred of your mother.

Sorry for your loss. xXx

WongaDotMom · 17/09/2012 20:09

YANBU. So sorry for your loss.

toofattorun · 17/09/2012 20:33

Thanks to you for the loss of your child.

I think it was out of order for your mum to bring up the death of an old person. How is that relevant? Your grandmother had her (long) time on earth.

She should remember the date. There's no excuse for forgetting something as important as that.

OutfortheCount · 17/09/2012 21:22

'YANBU at all. So thoughtless and selfcentred of your mother.'

We are all self-centred in grief.
I've lost people and I'm convinced I have suffered more than anyone else in the world. Bollocks, of course.

I can't really see where competitive grieving is going to get you. Don't believe losing a child is worse than losing an 80 year old. They are both horrendous, in different ways.

Your mum sounds a bit clumsy and a bit self-centred and genuinely caring about you. She just hasn't been able to express it (perhaps ever, which might explain your harshness)

Sorry

FairhairedandFrustrated · 17/09/2012 22:47

I am so sorry, I hope your dd had a lovely birthday wherever she may be.

I lost a niece in February of this year, there's not a day passes that I don't think of her, she was real to me.

And as for competitiveness - my sister has cancer, she has lost her hair and our mother said "you're lucky, I wish I had a wig" yes, she's very lucky to have cancer at 32.

holyfishnets · 17/09/2012 22:50

she should remember the date, no excuses.

DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire · 17/09/2012 23:03

outforthecount I'm sorry but I don't care if this is controversial, I think your comment about losing a child not being worse than losing a parent in their 80s is propety out of order. Losing a child must be the worst thing anyone could possibly ever go through. As horrendous as losing a parent is, it is the natural order of life. No parent would want to go before their child no parent should outlive their child. As awful as it is to lose a parent, it is in NO WAY comparable to losing a child.

DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire · 17/09/2012 23:05

Not "property" should have read completely out of order.

ISmellCheese · 17/09/2012 23:13

I lost my Mum in april. Was awful, but no way would i pick that over the loss of my child. Not that we should have to 'pick'!! My Mum would have been the first to rememeber something like that.

I'm so sorry on both accounts OP life is so unfair.

ISmellCheese · 17/09/2012 23:14

*I obviously mean that i would not lose a child above that

griphook · 17/09/2012 23:20

I'm sorry for your loss, x

Yanbu, your mum sounds self centred and completely unaware. You couldn't have been more direct over the years. She should have remembered.

lovebunny · 18/09/2012 01:45

I do think you should unplug the phone next year.
well, yes, that's another tactic you could employ.

Morloth · 18/09/2012 04:49

YANBU.

I don't know what she must have been thinking.

I have a friend whose little girl was stillborn. She would have been 6 this year. Every year I give her a call and send a gift for her birthday.

We are in different countries now and haven't seen each other for 3 years. But that little girl is as important to me as my friend's living children (whose birthdays I also remember and celebrate, as she does my children).

I have lost a parent. It was horrible, I will lose my Mum at some point, I get upset thinking about it, but that is nothing to the spine chilling, hard to breathe fear I experience when I consider losing my children.

We are supposed to out live our parents, we are built for that to happen and to 'get over' it to some extent, the other way round is an abberation and I don't think you ever get over it, you just learn to live with it.

Original poster
moogster1a · 18/09/2012 08:01

I was hoping that she might have said it without thinking as she was embarassed she forgot ( as a few people suggested) and that she might ring back but no such luck.
I was obviously in the wrong to be upset and now she's in a sulk.She'll be waiting for me to apologise for me being so ill mannered towards her.
Fuck it. In the grand scheme of things having a sulky, self -absorbed mother is small fry.

OP posts:
OutfortheCount · 18/09/2012 19:59

Cheese/Empire, that's ok, I know most people would not agree, thank you for views.

I should say I was thinking of all kinds of deaths (not specifically losing an older parent) but I understand mine is a minority viewpoint.

Aside from this, I am thinking that maybe the OP's mum just doesn't know how to help, and this might explain the not talking about it/gabbling about nonsense?

Having various bereavements and 'bizarre' reactions, I have concluded that many people just don't know what the hell to do. It's not excusable and I got very angry about it. But I think it's useful (to me anyway) to think why she's behaving like this, rather than just dismiss her as a cow.

That is not to say that your anger is very justifiable OP, you just want some validation of your feelings and probably a good cry/cuddle.