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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum is a heartless cow

76 replies

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 12:27

Yesterday was my dd's birthday. She died of SIDS at 10 weeks. She would have been 4.
My mum 'phoned a couple of times but I ignored the 'phone as I didn't want to speak to anyone but my DH and other DC that day.
Eventually I picked up the 'phone after she left message after message and she wittered on about a holiday she'd booked and asked me twice why I was being quiet.
Twice I told her I just wasn't in a chatty mood, then said I'd ring tomorrow ( today)
She's just 'phoned to ask if I was Ok as she was worried I'd been so off with her.I said it just wasn't a good day, and she started asking why. I replied that I didn't expect her to remember the significance of the day as she never has before ( despite me telling her 3 years in a row on the day after that I would have appreciated a call even to just leave a message so I know my dd isn't completely forgotten).
her reply " well, I bet you don't remember what date your Grandma ( her DM) died. WTF has that got to do with it? For a start, she obviously twigged what I was on about but thought it was the anniversary of her death, not birth. Secondly, I still don't get the connection. It was DGD's b'day and I was upset, surely not a time to quiz me on when an 84 year old died?
I told her that was the end of the conversation and put the 'phone down; now I'm fuming and crying.
Am I over reacting or was it a callous, thoughtless thing to say?

OP posts:

DeWe · 17/09/2012 13:24

Sorry for your loss.

Your dm was tactless, but that doesn't mean she is being nasty. Some people don't remember dates, I find dates fairly easy to remember. But I struggle with names. Never can remember them.

My dsis' pfb died at a month old. Sometimes my dp have said things that have caused my dsis much upset. My dm has been also upset when she's realised what she has said, although at the time she rather blundered on in embarrassment.
I also know that there are things that my dsis hasn't noticed that dm has done to try and help/sympathise. For example she wore a very nice furry/cuddly jumper when holding him because it was so soft. She makes sure that she doesn't wear it round dsis. She may have even got rid of it. Dsis hasn't noticed that-but she might remember if dm did wear it iyswim.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/09/2012 13:28

YANBU at all.

It was her own granddaughter. It's not an acceptable situation to not be "good with dates."

WillSingForCake · 17/09/2012 13:31

I'm so sorry for your loss, and YANBU at all. She should remember the date, even if she doesn't want to mark it in any way, her thoughts should be with you and what you want.

Original poster

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 13:33

Lisaro I actually spelled it out to her last year that if she 'phones on the day I wouldn't answer the 'phone as I want to speak to no one but dh and Dc on that day, but that it would be a nice gesture if she were to ring anyway and leave a message to say she's thinking of us.
TBH felt a bit desperate having to tell my own dm that I'd like sympathy on that day and to have to tell her how to give it to me if I don't answer the 'phone.

OP posts:

CheeseandPickledOnion · 17/09/2012 13:35

I'm sorry for your loss, but I do think YABU.

The point your Mum made - horrifically badly imo - was that just as the day her mother died is not particulaly significant to you, nor is the date of your lost childs birthday overly significant to her.

She clearly didn't stick it in the diary, and it clearly isn't of great significance to her. I'm sorry that that hurts you, but I don't think you can expect it to be as significant for everyone else as it is to you.

shewhowines · 17/09/2012 13:41

Your mother didn't have the relationship with your DD that you did. She didn't carry her and nurture her for ten weeks so she is not going to feel as you do. Her response about her own mother was a clumsy attempt at explaining that not everyone feels the importance of some dates for others in the same way. I'm sure she does grieve for her DGD but not in the same way you do.

Her priority is your feelings, and she has demonstrated that she cares by ringing you a number of times.

YANBU to feel as you do but you were understandably overreacting and was probably being a bit U by not telling her immediately why you were quiet and didn't feel like talking so that she had the chance to express sympathy. If you had done that and then she still wittered on about her holiday then, and only then, would she be in the wrong.

My sympathies to you OP. You are hurting but just because your mum doesn't grieve exactly like you doesn't mean she doesn't care. That was why she mentioned your GM. You wouldn't ring her on important dates but I bet you still loved for your grandmother - just not in the same way as your mum. Just a clumsy way of defending her actions. She obviously feels guilty.

ellathefox · 17/09/2012 13:46

yanbu. So sorry for your loss.

Cheese, it should be very, very significant to the op's dm! Thinking that it shouldn't be is completely nuts! It is her grandchild!!

elliejjtiny · 17/09/2012 13:52

YANBU. So sorry for your loss. Your DD's birthday is very important and your DM should have written the date in her diary and either rang and left a nice message or sent a card.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 17/09/2012 14:46

Sorry Ella, but not everyone is the same. Not everyone completely dotes on their grandchildren or lives through them. You can't expect everyone too.

Original poster

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 14:49

cheese I'm not expecting her to dote on her grandchildren, but I still think she was heartless; and from the sounds of it you would have the same sort of attitiude should someone in your family ever need a bit of compassion.

OP posts:

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/09/2012 14:52

Cheese, you think remembering a grandchilds birthday is living your life through them and doting on them, really?

I'd even go so far as to say that it should be even more important to remember their birthdays if they have passed away. I'd think it was the least they could do

TheBigJessie · 17/09/2012 14:55

Your mother was doing a bit of competitive grieving in defence, instead of just apologising. It was thoughtless and unkind.

I'm sorry for your loss.

PeshwariNaan · 17/09/2012 14:57

YANBU. Something similar happened to a close relative in my family and everyone - all siblings, their husbands, DM, DD, etc. remember the date of our DN's birthday and send cards, flowers, texts, etc. Kind of inexcusable that your DM is so callous about her grandchild - I'm really surprised.

I'm also surprised that so many posters on this thread seem to think losing a child is something to get over quickly. In our family the repercussions of losing a family member were felt and remembered by all, not least because we love her mother.

ellathefox · 17/09/2012 15:01

Your argument is ridiculous cheese. Doting gp or not she should remember her dgd birthday.

Moominsarescary · 17/09/2012 15:01

Sorry for your loss, your mum was bloody rude.

Even if the birthday of her dgd is insignificant to her she knows what it means to you, her daughter and she should have made an effort.

I have a feeling I may be on here upset about the same thing next week as I'm not sure my family or dps family will remember ds4s bday.

Original poster

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 15:04

moomin what day is his b'day? I'll think of him and you.

OP posts:

Moominsarescary · 17/09/2012 15:21

Thankyou moog it's the 28th, I know my sister remembers as she said infront of the rest of the family that she's got a little something for the cemetery, so it might have clicked.

He was born really early at 20 weeks, so I think they struggle to think of him as a 'real baby'

SweetSeraphim · 17/09/2012 16:52

Of course he was a real baby to you. My heart goes out to you, but you have told her that you wouldn't speak to her on that date, and yet she still called you a couple of times.... I don't really know what you expected her to do

SweetSeraphim · 17/09/2012 16:57

God I'm so sorry. Am mixing up two posters. Apologies moog - am at work so not concentrating properly

Original poster

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 16:57

I don't really know what you expected her to do
Leave a message of slight support / sympathy like I asked her to do last year.
She wasn't even 'phoning for that. She was ringing to tell me about her holiday.
And "he" was a real baby to me because she lived for 10 weeks as a perfectly normal baby after being born at full term. I would imagine she would be classed as real to the vast majority of people.

OP posts:

Original poster

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 16:58

Xpost.

OP posts:

SweetSeraphim · 17/09/2012 17:01

Do you see what I mean though? Could it be a case of she can't do right for doing wrong, if that makes sense?

I can't imagine how it must have affected you But I think sometimes these situations sort of put you in a place where nobody can do anything exactly how you would like, because you're traumatised so much.

Original poster

moogster1a · 17/09/2012 17:05

But I specifically said to her last year that I would really appreciate it if when her b'day came round again, she would leave a message for me. I told her I wouldn't answer the 'phone but that just knowing she'd left a message would mean a lot to me.
I can't see how I could have been much clearer to her and I would have thought that on just one day she might do something that I said would be important to me.

OP posts:

googleberry · 17/09/2012 17:05

My niece died of menigitis I met her once she was a few weeks old when she passed away, I am not close to my sister in law but I never forget her birthday, hugs to you x x

SweetSeraphim · 17/09/2012 17:07

Well that's fair enough then. You couldn't have been clearer. Is she generally a bit self-absorbed?

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