DP calls me selfish for not wanting a second child - is he right?

[BrainSurgeon]

I'm 40. When I was younger, and when DP and I got together 7 years ago, I used to say I would like to have 2 childern, but after having DS (now 4) I could not bring myself to want a second child. For a while I though it was PND, I am now (after other issues) on antidepressants and feel fine, but still not broody. I have thought about it each and every possible way but I really don't want to have another baby.
DP said to me the other day that I'm selfish as I'm depriving DS of a sibling. He thinks it's very important for DS to 1) understand he's not "the centre of the universe", he needs to learn how to share and 2) have some support later in life when me and/or DP are gone.
I take his points but I feel we can make extra efforts to ensure DS is responsible and stays close to his family and friends, rather than me force myself for go through pregnancy and have another baby without really wanting to. DP won't accept these alternatives as viable and I know he will end up resenting me
AIBU?

He does realise that they could end up poles apart. My own dad hasn't spoke to his brother in 7 years

No, you're not selfish for not wanting another child. I don't get the reproducing so your child can have company thing. In any case, there's no guarantee that they will be support for each other later in life anyway, as being siblings doesn't necessarily mean a bond.

YANBU - how can he expect you to make yourself want another baby? Think about how he would feel if you were desperate for another baby and he wasn't? He wouldn't like it either. As long as you're sensible about parenting your little boy there's no reason why he can't grow up to be a well-rounded adult regardless of whether he was an only child or not. I'm 23 and know several children who didn't have siblings and none of them are especially demanding (ha!). I actually find that they're much closer to their parents and a lot more willing to help them out - I'm not sure if this is because they feel responsible or because they're just very close to them.

You aren't being selfish. You have to carry and birth it. You wouldn't be able to continue taking your tablets if you got pregnant and depending on your level of depression, that could be dangerous for you.

DS can learn to share at daycare, school and interactions with other relatives. And as McHappyPants says, siblings aren't automatically friends.

I can see both sides, if your original 'plan' as a couple was to have 2 children and one parent (mother or father) then changes their mind, I can understand the other parent being disappointed.

However, I don't really see that his reasons for wanting 2 children are valid:

1) understand he's not "the centre of the universe Obviously there are many other ways you can achieve this if he remains an only child!

2) have some support later in life when me and/or DP are gone Again, where's the guarantee that this would happen? They could end up living in different countries, rarely speaking... As an only child he could have an excellent support network of friends, partner etc.

As well as looking at what he sees as the negatives of the situation, how about you both make a list of positives and negatives and compare the two as a starting point for discussion?

Don't think he does Mc Happy.
I have a brother and we never had a good relationship, he will hardly ever be any support for me it's always been the other way around, he caused me and my entire family nothing but heartache

But then DP has 2 siblings and they are quite close, so I reckon he bases his arguments on his own experience

I don't think so.

I think that men underestimate the toll that carrying and having a baby has on you, and the reluctance to spend another two+ years being the centre of a young child's life (which you are. DP is great with DS, I have family around, but the buck stops with me).

I know that I'm thinking very hard myself about going on to have more children (I had previously thought that I wanted a big family), DP is worried about my weight, and the health issues that it might cause and yet would be totally happy for me to go on and have another couple of children - not even considering how dangerous pregnancy and childbirth is.

Only children don't turn into wierd freaks because they don't have a sibling! They're just children - of course they learn to share and all those other things. I love that my DS can have all my attention, that we can go out as a family and not have to cram into a too small car, or worry about the expense of family holidays or keeping everyone together on the train (I'm from a big family, so I see the downsides of that too)

Numberlock that sounds very sensible to me... I should will to come up with some bullet-proof positives, I know there are many

YANBU and your husband is being selfish by trying to force you to undergo another pregnancy. Plenty of people are only children and go through life perfectly happily without becoming spoiled or entitled, or collapsing into helplessness when their parents die. He sounds like he thinks your DS is some kind of Victorian Daughter who will take to her couch and weep if left "alone" one day. DS will have a family of his own by then hopefully. I can think of far more families where siblings either aren't close anyway or drift further and further apart once their parents are gone than I can those who are really close. Once people grow up and have their own family/spouse/children/life partner, their siblings just aren't as important anyway.
Let him resent away - tell him straight, babies aren't playthings, and for you to risk a life threatening pregnancy (ok so melodramatic but every pregnancy runs a risk) just so he can feel better about what your son will turn out like in some hypothetical future, just isn't on. If you and him, parent properly now (as I'm sure you are) your DS will turn out to be just fine. He'll only think he's "the centre of the universe" and not "learn to share" etc if you let him.

This is a toughie. I suspect your dh desperately wants another child and so is using every excuse possible to change your mind, whilst you don't.

There is no right or wrong here. I was one of 6 and my dh one of 7. It was a chaotic household and there is no way I'd have that many. We have 2 children and it's nice. They get on well and play well together. But I know other siblings don't behave quite so well, such as their cousins (another boy and girl) who fight like cat and dog.

As for your ds being lonely, well as you say if you surround him with friends and cousins then you can do something about that. It's true that he won't have to make as many compromises or share. He'll never be short of attention and will be used to having things his own way. He may wish he had siblings as he gets older, he may not.

But a far bigger problem for you is not how your ds will cope, your ds will cope just fine no matter what you decide to do. But as for you two? If you have a baby for your dh you may well end up resenting him and how would that second child cope knowing that you wanted to stop at just one? If you don't have another, your dh will surely resent you for not giving him the extra child he wants.

Have a talk to him. Is he gunning for a girl? How would he feel if you had another boy? What if you tried but couldn't have any more? What if you got pregnant and there turned out to be something wrong with the baby, what would you do then?

Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. Shit happens at times and whilst you may change your mind, you might not even be able to conceive again. Or you might and you may have twins!

He cannot use your son as a tool in his arguments. Your ds is just fine and will always be just fine either as an only child or as a brother of another. There is no guarantee that having another child will improve his life one iota. As as I said, life can be shit at times and he may hate a sibling, they may fight like cat and dog, or simply have absolutely nothing in common.

This decision needs to be taken with just the two of you and your marriage to consider. One of you will have to compromise but if it will lead to a lifetime of resentment then you may have to accept that this could well be a deal-breaker. And that would have an effect on your ds. So do take the time to consider this and talk, talk and talk some more.

He wants another child, you dont. It is a very difficult dilemma.

From a personal perspective, I am an only child, and I hated it.. absolutely hated it, but as I was adopted, there wasnt a lot of choice no matter how much I begged my parents for a sibling.

I can see your husbands side too here. You told him that you wanted more than one child. He saw himself having the family he wanted with you. You have now changed your mind.

I think a lot of calm talking is needed.

Just to say Hanah isn't right about not being able to take antidepressants in pregnancy. I took sertraline throughout bf my dd1, pregnancy with ds, bf ds, pregnancy with dd2and for 2 years while I bf her.

I know this might not be relevant to the OP but didn't want others to think taking antidepressants would stop you having a family.

OP, I don't think you're selfish. When you're done, you're done. I thought I was after ds but wasn't sure enough to be happy with dh getting snipped. Dd2 was a very happy accident and then I knew!

I do worry he feels betrayed as he doesn't understand this 'changing my mind' thing - it's a bit black and white for him, once I said I'll have 2 how can I possible go back on that?

Makes me doubt myself a lot, hence wondering if IABU...

Oh Rhubarb you have soooo hit the nail on the head

Its a tough one....there is no compromise.

I have one DS, we always were going to have more than one child but after DS my DH found the whole baby thing really hard, didnt really enjoy it and then never wanted anymore.

I respected his decision but to be honest I think he was very selfish in not wanting another baby.........all because he didnt want his life uprooted again, he found it hard, hated the crying etc etc.

DS is an only child now and I do feel sorry for him...we have a small family, no cousins near, no grandparents near, times like Christmas hit home to me how much me has missed out on. He is 10 now so I am over the sadness of only having one but I do wish sometimes that DH had been able to see further than the end of his nose on this one.

Like I said, there is no compromise, I can see your POV but I can also see your DH's side to it too.

I'm an only child - i don't miss siblings

I have two only children (big age gap, eldest moved out) They are both happy.

This isnt about the children, HE wants another, but you have to both want them. I think you need to talk it through with him, he cannot expect you to go through PND again, which will be damaging to you and your children, just so that he gets another child. You are not being selfish, but you both need to to be clear and able to move on.

To put it another way, you said you wanted two children before you'd even had one - you had no idea what it was like to have a child, and now you've discovered that you don't really want to do it again.

This isn't like promising to try two sprouts at Christmas dinner, this is 9 months of pregnancy, and a year of completely dependant baby, plus 17 more years of dependant child, of course you should be able to change your mind.

DH is an only child and I really wish he'd had a sibling, he can be incredibly selfish and it's so obvious that its because he never had to share anything as a child.

I'm desperate for another one at the moment, but DH isn't budging. It's making me incredibly depressed and becoming a real strain on our relationship.

Neither of you are being selfish, both of your POVs are perfectly understandable. You really do need to look at every possible scenario and discuss the outcomes to be able to make a choice. But you both have to be open to the other one getting their way in the end, because there isn't a compromise.

My ds is a single child - he is not deprived of anything.

My mother has nothing to do with her brother, so its doesn't always follow that you end up being close.

Oh Betty that sounds sad, what a shame!

What complicates things even further for me is that I wouldn't totally exclude adopting another child. But I can't figure out why! Why would I want someone else's child but not my own!!!

He is NBU to desperately want the second child you originally hoped to have, and to try to persuade you that it would still be for the best. But he is BU to use language like "selfish" and make the conversation nasty.

I know this is such a MN cliche but would you consider counselling to talk through both your feelings, hopefully see each others' perspectives better, and try to make both of you happy with the decision? It sounds like you're not communicating well and while I don't think you "owe" him another child, I do think you owe it to each other to put lots of thought and consideration and compassion (for each other) into your decision

Cracker - my DH is very selfish sometimes but he has 3 siblings......my DS as an only child is very generous and not selfish at all so I dont believe all that only child syndrome toot.

It still sucks though when you cant agree on something as major as this :(

Cracker - people with siblings can be selfish too. I am an only child, i dont consider myself to be any more selfish than anyone else.

DH is an only child and I really wish he'd had a sibling, he can be incredibly selfish and it's so obvious that its because he never had to share anything as a child

Or he might just be selfish by nature?