DP calls me selfish for not wanting a second child - is he right?

[BrainSurgeon]

I'm 40. When I was younger, and when DP and I got together 7 years ago, I used to say I would like to have 2 childern, but after having DS (now 4) I could not bring myself to want a second child. For a while I though it was PND, I am now (after other issues) on antidepressants and feel fine, but still not broody. I have thought about it each and every possible way but I really don't want to have another baby.
DP said to me the other day that I'm selfish as I'm depriving DS of a sibling. He thinks it's very important for DS to 1) understand he's not "the centre of the universe", he needs to learn how to share and 2) have some support later in life when me and/or DP are gone.
I take his points but I feel we can make extra efforts to ensure DS is responsible and stays close to his family and friends, rather than me force myself for go through pregnancy and have another baby without really wanting to. DP won't accept these alternatives as viable and I know he will end up resenting me
AIBU?

Tail.... I believe you probably know me in real life

If that's the case it's fine, and I appreciate your post

YANBU but neither is your DH.

I suspect if the roles were reversed this discussion would be full of people saying how selfish your DH is and hinting that you should take DC and find another man to provide what you desire.

Very difficult situation as there is really no compromise.....

Brains -- I don't think I do know you, as mine are older (and slightly less likely to behave as just described). That's just the feeling I picked up from your posts.

She who whines - your post struck a painful chord with me:

< You really need to realise in your own mind whether you really don't want another child full stop, or whether it is the pregnancy and fear of "getting it wrong". >

I agree, and I've been thinking about this over and over again, as I believe if I had the answer I could explain things to DP a lot better and get rid of the 'selfish' tag.

I just don't know if any amount of counseling will help me figure that one out!

So, LongTimeLurking, are you saing DP is right to call me selfish?

YANBU i am an only child, can't say it's done me any harm, i'm probably more independent as a result, plus i have lost a parent and i've done fine on my own. I have a DS 4 and he is an only child also, my DH however has a brother, they hate each other and haven't spoken for nearly 10yrs and we live 4miles away, so not sure it matters really. You are not being selfish.

No of course he shouldn't be calling you selfish, I am just saying that if the roles were reversed I think there would be more replies in favour of having a second child.

It isn't really a situation where either of you can be called selfish, imo it is just a clash of needs/desires.

Unless he can settle for 1 child or you suddenly get broody I can only see this situation ending badly.

I don't think there is a compromise. One of you has to give in. The thing is, you can't do it with a sword hanging over your head.

DH wanted another child from when DS1 was 8 months old. I was hideously ill throughout my first pg., followed by a week of induced labour..and lots and lots of different issues that led me to say I wouldn't have another child EVER. I was so ashamed of this, but I was very brazen about it. DS1 was then a crap sleeper, I had PND that nearly had me jumping off a bridge, and walking out several times.

I had a little more time on my side, but not much. In the end DS1 was nearly 4 when DS2 was born. DH seriously caught me on the hop and I sort of didn't object to the idea that strongly at that particular moment, and that night he was conceived.

It was another grim 9 months, I was even more ill physically with the second pg., and the only saving grace was an incredibly managed birth, and this one slept. I had terrible PND again, and when DS2 was 2, last year, I left. Only to come back, because I could't leave the boys. Things have changed alot since then... but underlying all of it was my monumental resentment that I knew it was going to be hideous, and I also felt as if my needs were, once again (as always with a mother) way down the list.

The really really great thing to have come out of it is that the boys have always been really "there" for each other. Even among the fighting, they adore each other.

And I adore them. If I was given that Saturday over again, I would not have got pregnant, but I cannot imagien my life without DS2 who I love to pieces.

This isn't saying that having another baby is the answer, but just warning you that it could be as awful as you think it's going to be, and YET might still be OK.

Your relationship is going to be stressed, whatever, and maybe you need for your DP to make some major statement about taking on a phenomenal amount of the early months stuff... think about a few years down teh line.

BTW, I was all geared up to go straight back on the anti-d's as soon as necessary, and it still wasn't soon enough, I should've kept them going during the pg. for longer, or gone back on them at labour.

The only time when it can be a slight issue is the last week or so/delivery..but even then, it's something any obstetrician/psychiatrist will know how to handle.

I am thinking of you and wish you well with this hellish situation. There are ways through, but none of them are easy.

Having a second child is a completely different experience. In some ways you are a much more relaxed parent because you've learnt from last time and actually it's the second and subsequent siblings who benefit the most I think because they have to compete for your attention whereas your first didn't have to. They are the ones who get the hand-me-downs, who are left to cry because you're busy and no longer that inexperienced anxious first parent. The eldest has had you to himself for 4/5 years already.

And no, none of us are perfect. My first is a quiet, shy girl who is teased at school because she is not 'cool'. She has low self-esteem but is thoughtful and loyal and kind. I often wonder if my anxieties caused her low confidence or if she's that way naturally. My son is chatty, overwhelmingly affectionate, very sensitive, grubby, loves anything to do with poo and wee, hates sharing and can be very selfish, loves to get his own way and will sulk, use charm, stubbornness and whinge-power to get exactly what he wants whilst my dd hardly ever asks for anything.

I worry that as a parent I give in to him too much, making it unfair for dd. I worry that I shout too much and use emotional blackmail. I worry that dh favours ds and is drifting from dd as she becomes an adolescent. I worry that ds is spoilt and too dependent on us. I worry that the decisions we made to move around during their early years have unsettled them.

I have many regrets as a parent and even now wish I could turn the clock back and readdress some of the decisions I took.

But I can't and who knows, they may have turned out exactly the same anyway.

I think counselling with help you to come to terms with who you are as a person. It will raise your own self-esteem and help you to deal with what you perceive as your inadequacies as a mother. And it will help you both to understand each other's point of view.

You are very wise, Rhubarb.

I'm an only child and at times terribly lonely as a child. I hate the assumption that all only children are spoilt. My Dad worked 3 jobs to juggle the bills and Mum suffered PND and was on anti-depressants for years. Plus all the car rows and Dad hooting the horn to get Mum out the house. Mum had OCD about checking plugs were out and doors locked.

I was determining to give DD a sibling. I even went through fertility treatment as for some reason I could not conceive without help after DD. The result was DD2 4 years later. The gap is too wide for them to be company for each other and DD2 has mild learning disabilities. DD1 hates her sister with a passion. It breaks my heart.

As for your situation YANBU.

Oh fortified I'm sorry to hear that you poor thing

Rhubarb is very wise indeed and to everyone else for being so supportive and understanding

...not much of an AIBU then...

Fortified. Why does she hate her?