DP calls me selfish for not wanting a second child - is he right?

[BrainSurgeon]

I'm 40. When I was younger, and when DP and I got together 7 years ago, I used to say I would like to have 2 childern, but after having DS (now 4) I could not bring myself to want a second child. For a while I though it was PND, I am now (after other issues) on antidepressants and feel fine, but still not broody. I have thought about it each and every possible way but I really don't want to have another baby.
DP said to me the other day that I'm selfish as I'm depriving DS of a sibling. He thinks it's very important for DS to 1) understand he's not "the centre of the universe", he needs to learn how to share and 2) have some support later in life when me and/or DP are gone.
I take his points but I feel we can make extra efforts to ensure DS is responsible and stays close to his family and friends, rather than me force myself for go through pregnancy and have another baby without really wanting to. DP won't accept these alternatives as viable and I know he will end up resenting me
AIBU?

Chunky you are so right about that - I had no idea what I was talking about when I said I wanted 2. Quite clearly!

Thanks Brainsurgeon - as I said DS is 10 now so I am mainly over it....my life is good, I have a nice job, loads of hobbies and get to do loads of things now as I only have one to think about so in that respect its fine.

I just feel sad for DS though and things like holidays are so much harder as we constantly need to entertain him as he has spent so much time with adults he prefers adult company to kids company so wont use kids clubs or anything like that.

Having said that, I have 2 siblings and hardly ever see them so it doesnt always make you close anyway.

Brainsurgeon, it coudl be the PND that you went through - i have a friend who seriously considered adoption because she simply couldnt face being pregnant again. Saying that she is now pregnant! Maybe you should look into adoption though - if you can offer a loving home to a child, there are few folks who can do that - and they have my admiration.

You could adopt or foster together if he feels that strongly about it? Might be easier in some ways - if you got pregnant now, the age gap would mean that in reality they wouldn't share a thing until they were grown adults.

This is not anyone's fault.

Your conversation with him should start like that. We all have ideals and life plans but these change with experience. I never wanted to have kids and neither did my dh, now we have 2, hey ho.

I think you need to be very very honest and frank with him and be prepared for some very difficult conversations with recriminations.
Yes you did originally say that you would like 2 and he has built his hopes up from there. So you need to tell him why you have changed your mind and how sorry you are that it's happened, but that if you are forced to have another you may end up resenting not just him but that second child.

You also do need to consider the possibility that you may not be able to conceive another or that the baby might have complications or something wrong.

You'll need to listen to him as he's going to be gutted and will try anything to get you to change your mind.

I suggest Relate at this point otherwise the atmosphere could get nasty. At least a counsellor will help to keep you two on track.

What is more important to you both now? Your existing son and your marriage? Or another baby? Either way your marriage might come under so much strain that it collapses anyway. Is it fair to bring another child into that situation?

I do not envy you one bit. Tread carefully, try not to let yourself get dragged into slanging matches and do stress that this is not about the wellbeing of your ds now, this is about the wellbeing of your relationship. The goalposts have been moved, yes that this a bit shit but that's life for you and it's not your fault or his. You are not being awkward for the sake of it and no you won't change your mind. So you need to decide, both of you, how to go forward from here.

"But I can't figure out why! Why would I want someone else's child but not my own!!!"

From what you have said, because it is the pregnancy itself that worries you, rather than raising another child.

Which is a fair enough thing. You didnt know what pregnancy would be like when you started the relationship with your husband and before you had your first child.

What about fostering? Is that something that maybe you could both consider?

Didn't realize I was implying all only children were selfish.

Selfish is probably the wrong word. Because he never had to share or compromise with another sibling, he doesn't know how to do it with a spouse either.

As an only child, I certainly wasnt selfish. I was just bloody lonely as a kid at times like holidays and xmas, as I had no cousins either.

As an adult, when my parents health was failing, and as they died, I also found it very difficult to be the only one who had to cope and make decisions.

BrainSurgeon - that's interesting that you'd consider adoption - it seems to me that it's the pregnancy that you just don't like the idea of, rather than the second child.

I feel similarly I think. I don't know why because I had a super-easy pregnancy (horrible birth, but I'm not traumatised over it), yet I just don't really want to endure it again. I remember the day when I first took a normal walk after having DS, and was able to bend over to do up my shoes again, climb a couple of flights of stairs and not take a break at the end, walk at more than a dawdle and I just felt so liberated. Some people just don't work well with pregnancy I think, and it's just a pity that it's the easiest way to get another child.

I feel sorry for your DH and I feel sorry for you.

I have had two DC and wanted a third but DH only wanted 2, so we settled for 2. Sometimes we joke about a third but I know in my heart it's not a good idea as my babies do not sleep, had reflux and feeding problems. Doing it a third time would kill me quite frankly.

I think you have to put the whole issue of siblings for your DC aside because you just don't know how they will get on. Could be very close, could be indifferent, could hate each other. Your DH should examine your own feelings about wanting more children, not trying to imagine an idyllic sibling relationship. He might well be disappointed!

Is it the pregnancy bit that's puttin gyou off?

See Squeaky - this is what I feel shitty about....Christmas must bore him shitless and also when DH and I die he will have to deal with it on his own. When DH's dad died there were loads of us round his bed, and I remember saying to my DH that DS would have to deal with stuff like that alone!

Cracker, not all only children turn out that way. Ask custy. Her marriage is just fine.
I know plenty of selfish, spoilt people who have been one of 7 and 6.

And for the record, of my 5 siblings I now only have regular contact with 2. One is not allowed to contact me much, another has cut himself off from me completely, and I do mean completely and another blames me for everything in her life that has gone wrong and so contact with her has also been severed.

Predicting how a child will be because of the lack of siblings is a useless exercise and waste of energy.

Where have I said that all only children turn out that way?

squeaky, I reckon it's partly the pregnancy but also the huge responisbility that comes with having a new baby, a new life that I feel I would be responsible for. There are a couple of things I feel I 'got wrong' with DS (food issues and others, won't give details as I think I'm very close to outing myself) and I am beyond frightened that it will happen again or that it could be worse second time round

I think selfish is more a personal trait that doesn't depend on siblings. PGM was exceptionally selfish, she was one of 7. DF is also very selfish, and is an only child. My sister is also exceptionally selfish, and there are 2 of us. Also, sister and I don't speak - to the point where my parents have asked us to talk as they want us to take over legal arrangements and I've said "tell me your wishes and I'll make sure that's what a solicitor gets for you". Goes hand in hand with her selfishness though, they want 50/50 split, she thinks she should get more. Long rambling way of saying siblings don't stop selfishness!

Also I find it very understandable that you don't want to do it again after what you've been through. I also somewhat understand where your oh is coming from too, so you really need to discuss this. Ironically a friend has this the other way, she wants another and he's too she'll shocked. And my oh has adjusted down from wanting 3 to 2 now the realisation has kicked in!

Cracker: "Because he never had to share or compromise with another sibling, he doesn't know how to do it with a spouse either."

You are presuming that his traits come from being an only child. You are not willing to accept that he could just be a selfish person. I don't see how you could possibly know the reasons why he turned out that like unless you are yourself a psychiatrist and have analysed him.

Making statements like that does kinda imply that only children don't know how to share or compromise.

I think you need to chat to some health professionals who can talk to you about the likelihood of the PND recurring. That was bound to have clouded your response to normal baby issues. Talk through your specific ones with the doctor, health visitor and anyone else you can think of with some experience (more than one to get a clearer picture) and get their perspectives on things.

You react and feel differently when under stress and next time you might breeze through everything.

It would be a shame to put your relationship under pressure because of your fear of pregnancy and of doing things wrong. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. We would all do things differently when we look back.

This is a hard and painful situation for you both. I don't think that either of you are selfish or either wanting or not wanting a child.

Yearning for a second child is a very powerful feeling. However postnatal depression is wretched and its understandable that you don't feel ready. However at 40 years old you can't really wait if you as a couple do want a child.

There are threads whether the woman wants a child and the DH doesn't. It is painful having a yearing for a second child and your partner doesn't want another child.

I think its unfair to see your DH feelings as not being valid. However the decision to have a second child is not really something you can compromise on.

If someone could wave a magic wand and guarentee that you would not get postnatal depression would you want another child? There are ways that you can reduce the chances of you getting postnatal depression if you do have a second child. Having a second child is less of a shock and you can plan more. For example you can ask your health visitor for extra monitoring so that postnatal depression is caught sooner.

"You aren't being selfish. You have to carry and birth it. You wouldn't be able to continue taking your tablets if you got pregnant and depending on your level of depression, that could be dangerous for you"

That is not true. (Although I agree you aren't selfish for not wanting a child) It is perfectly possible to take medication while pregnant. It would require careful monitoring from either your GP/ peri natal team.

I agree therhubarb

YANBU, my DP and his sister don't speak, his dad and his sister don't speak, my mum and her sister don't speak! My sister and I speak but only cos we're sisters, we are so different it's unbelievable........we live 90 mins away and we both have children so we couldn't be there for each other even if we wanted to as we both have our own lives which are so different we can't socialise together!
My sister only has one child and he loves playing with my 3 DCs so I can see where your husband is coming from but I do honestly believe later in life it makes no difference!
He can borrow my 3 as they would put him off.....all they do is argue and it drives us mad :-)
Keep being open and honest with him so it doesn't drive you apart, good luck :-)

He has been analyzed. His psychologist agreed that his mother's spoiling him as an only child, and the pressure she put on him, has played a big part in his personality.

FYI, my brother and I have a wonderful relationship and I consider him one of my best friends, for all the people implying that siblings will never ever get along.

Neither of you is being intrinsically unreasonable. You really don't want to go through pregnancy/birth/life with a newborn again, and that is perfectly reasonable. He signed on for the marriage thinking that you were both on the same page about having two children, and now he desperately wants the second child that he had always hoped/expected/planned to have - also perfectly reasonable. The pronlem is that you're married to each other and there's not really any compromise possible. Ultimately wjatever happens ome of you will get yoir own way and the other will either learn to live with it or get eaten up inside.

Your DS, however, will be just fine. There are advantages to being a sibling and advantages to being an only.

my DH is an only child and loves him own company, he is not lonley or a saddo. He likes going to the cinema on his own and will go out to eat on his own ect. So that the moot point nobody knows how a baby is going to grow up or what his or hers personality is going to be like.

I belive a baby should be wanted by both and not just 1 person in a relationship.

YANBU. Who is going to carry the baby to term? Who is going to go through labour? Who is going to feed the baby? Who is going to suffer the majority of the sleep deprivation? Who is going to suffer the impact on their career?

When your DH can answer those questions and the answer is honestly 50% shared, he should have the good manners to accept that this is far from selfish however much he would like a sibling for your DS.

My dp is one of 4; he and his sibs are all quite ruthless, which I put down (in part) to always being in competition with each other for resources (attention, roast potatoes, toys...).

Which is NOT to say that all children with siblings are selfish. Just that having sibs does not guarantee a willingness to share.

Yours is a horrible situation though, OP. I always wanted several children and we were going to have at lesat two; once ds dp provaricated until finally he said one and no more. I'm still quite bitter about that tbh; but know I need to let it go.