DP calls me selfish for not wanting a second child - is he right?

[BrainSurgeon]

I'm 40. When I was younger, and when DP and I got together 7 years ago, I used to say I would like to have 2 childern, but after having DS (now 4) I could not bring myself to want a second child. For a while I though it was PND, I am now (after other issues) on antidepressants and feel fine, but still not broody. I have thought about it each and every possible way but I really don't want to have another baby.
DP said to me the other day that I'm selfish as I'm depriving DS of a sibling. He thinks it's very important for DS to 1) understand he's not "the centre of the universe", he needs to learn how to share and 2) have some support later in life when me and/or DP are gone.
I take his points but I feel we can make extra efforts to ensure DS is responsible and stays close to his family and friends, rather than me force myself for go through pregnancy and have another baby without really wanting to. DP won't accept these alternatives as viable and I know he will end up resenting me
AIBU?

As for the 'burden of elderly parents' and 'standing around the deathbed alone'. Rather sadly, both my parents died young- however at that time all the members of the extended family supported each other, and the deathbeds were packed.

But when it came to my grandparents- me and my uncle had a HUGE falling out over the will and haven't spoken since. And the solicitor said that she dealt with similar cases everyday!

I agree mardy it often just falls to one person in a big family to sort things out after a death. Big myth that everyone pulls together.

I have awful siblings. I wish I'd been an only child.

Just to clarify quickly - we are not married - not that it matters, we are a very solid loving couple and we talk a lot and intend to spend our lives together

Oh and for the poster who said it's not fair to dismiss his feeling as not being valid - that's not at all what I do.
The main reason I started this thread is because I think his feelings are perfectly valid and I worry I may be the unreasonable one!

So cracker, his over indulging mother was to blame for his selfishness. If he had siblings, perhaps they would have all turned out like that?

Our parents shape who we are and the people we turn out to be, to a great extent, nothing to do with lack of siblings or not.

The OP could be a proper control freak and disciplinarian for all we know. So whilst your experience with your ex is a valid point to bring up on this discussion, it does not prove anything about one-child families, only that our parents shape our personalities.

valium - agreed. My dh has 6 siblings and already they are arguing over inheritance before their parents have died. The forceful greedy ones are land grabbing whilst quiet ones like my dh who just wants to maintain good relations with his siblings are getting the raw end of the stick and being taken advantage of.

But again, I think in the OPs situation this is not a debate about how one-child families operate. Every child, every family and every parent is different.

This is a debate about how on earth their marriage can survive such a drastic move of the goalposts. I have a fear that her dh will keep bringing up their only son to justify his arguments in having a second but really, it's nothing to do with their ds and everything to do with them as a couple.

mardy - Sorry you lost your parents young. I agree with you totally. Also my MIL was 11 years older when she had OH than my DM was when she had me (OH and I are only a year apart). MIL is fitter, healthier and has more get go than the rest of us put together. My DM has had an unfortunate couple of years and seems to be falling apart physically. Age doesn't really come into these things as often as people make out.

rhubarb - you have a really good grip on this!

My DM is one of 9, and there's already squabbles over what happens when the grandparents die. One of my uncles is mentally ill, and most want to ensure he's safe and stable in the house he's always lived in. A couple of them want their share and sod the uncle. Grandparents refuse to do anything nicely to help protect this son. So solicitors have already been involved re the legalities of signing their shares over to the uncle. It all seems so silly to me.

I think you are right Rhubarb - we probably neeed to bring the discussion more around how our relationship will be after such a change.

Bringing DP to accept this is not about DS will be a massive challenge though, as he claims that is the only reason why he wants another child!

Try again: I think it will be very hard, if not impossible, to make DP accept that DS will be fine without a sibling. DP is adamant the only reason why he wants a second child is because that is the right thing to do for DS (hence the use of "selfish" ...)

If you are totally honest and frank with your dp then it will encourage him to lay bare his feelings with you.

Book a babysitter, take a night off and have a heart-to-heart (watch that alcohol though!). Your dh needs to consider:

How will your relationship change with another child.

What if you cannot conceive a second?

What if you have another boy? Or twins?

What if something goes wrong? Because realistically the older you are the more your risks increase for things like Downs Syndrome.

What about your mental health and risks of PND?

Would he consider adoption?

What if you get PND and cannot cope?

What if you end up resenting him and the relationship falls apart?

What if you just say no, how would he feel? What would happen?

What is the deal-breaker here? Your relationship or another baby?

Communication is the only way you can deal with this issue. And I really think that you should book a session with Relate, because they will keep you on track if your dp insists on using your ds as a tool in his argument.

No-one can predict the future, so it's crap to say that your ds needs a sibling. It's a rubbish reason to have another child. You do so because both of you want to create another life, not just because you think your ds could do with a playmate.

I suspect from your op that your dp means that you are selfish for not letting him have another child, rather than not giving your son a sibling.

So i don't think debating whether a child is better off an only or one of many is going to make any difference.

Can you pinpoint which part it is of having another child you don't want to do? Is it being at home? The lack of sleep? Feeling that you might not be able to love another one as much (got a friend who has that one)? Anxiety about some aspect? It might help in one way or another if you can figure that out.

I do feel sorry for your dp, just as i would if it were you that wanted another and he had changed his mind.

PooPoo... I'm afraid you're wrong, DP is all about giving my son a sibling NOT about giving him another child (he doesn't mind boy or girl and chuckles when twins are mentioned )

And I did say in one of my previous posts which bit I think I don't want - it's the anxiety of being responsible for another new life and getting it wrong

It is very selfish of your dh to want a child simply to provide for your first ds.

Having a child is a joint decision that is a demonstration of love and commitment. If he is not taking your feelings into consideration then that is very selfish in itself.

Would he be disappointed if your second turned out to be a girly girl who had little to do with your ds? Would he be disappointed if the baby turned out to have Downs Syndrome? Does he realise that even in a very large family, you can feel isolated and lonely, shut out and unloved?

I would argue that his decision is based on selfish reasons too. I think you may need the services of a professional counsellor however if you want him to realise that because everything you say will be said from the point of view of someone who is just coming up with excuses not to have a second child. In his eyes you are biased and in your eyes he is.

A third person however, is not and may make you both think long and hard about where you stand on this issue both as individuals and as a couple.

The problem with discussing how many children you are going to have (before you have any) is that you have no idea what to expect once you have children. My husband wanted 4, I wanted 2, we ended up with 3!

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think your husband needs to respect your feelings.

I would look at counselling to maybe resolve the issue.

My H and I weren't on the same page about children for many years, as he changed his mind about an agreement we had made at the beginning of our relationship. It was a deal breaker for him, and he went looking for what he wanted elsewhere. I was very resentful about him changing his mind, it felt very unfair.

You need to talk about this as it won't go away.

Circumstances change and this changes people. When you made the decision to have 2 you were making that decision largely in ignorance of what it was like being pregnant, giving birth and becoming a mother. Now that you've been through it you have that experience to help you make a better decision.

It's just one of those things which is pretty tough on the both of you.

Are you sure he's being honest about that though, because he might think (deep down not necessarily consciously) that saying its for your son will tug at your heart strings about it. More then if he said it was for him.

Did you have anxiety with your first?

My time after having my children was very difficult and the thought of going through that again makes me feel ill. Logically though i know that if i did have another one now it wouldn't be anything like before because that series of events couldn't possibly happen again. I relate that feeling to it nonetheless though.

Brains -- I get the feeling that some of your reluctance is because you are beating yourself up about not being the Perfect Parent to your current little boy. None of us are, you know.

Having another child might alleviate some of that feeling even if only by making you too knackered to care as you are forced to realise that some kids just are picky eaters/manic/sleepless, whatever you did in the way of weaning, training or breastfeeding.

Mind you (terminally indecisive, me) adding another child into the mix also gives you the chance to realise that you can't take the credit for the first one's early maths ability/gentle, thoughtful manners, either, as the second one ricochets off the walls yelling 'I'm Mister JetPoo, one two four, seven, BlastOff!'

Rhubs I love and hate your posts at the same time, because you are right but I dread the consequences of what you are saying

Thank you

PooPoo is right. The fact that he chuckles if you mention twins seems to imply that he loves the idea. So he is using your son as an excuse to justify his request. HE wants more kids.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. He clearly wants two children and is upset that you have changed your mind. 2 was his 'plan', iyswim.

but you are allowed to change your mind! As much as he is allowed to not.

However, when it comes to having a child - both parents must want it.

Is it better to bring a child into the world when you know that one of its parents didn't want it and was only having it because of pressure from the other parent or is it better to have one person feeling like they are 'missing' a child?

I sort of know how it feels. We have 2. It had always been our plan to have 3. But our first had a birth injury, then no2 was a surprise 6 months after no1 and they both turned out to have autism. So we decided we couldn't have a third. It wouldn't be fair to the two we had and it would stretch us too thinly.

But I'd be lying if I said it didn't upset me. I feel like someone is missing. I feel there's an empty place at the table where our third child was meant to be. So I think I can understand how your husband feels. But I can also understand how you feel, and how no matter what your plans - something can always make them change.

I think all the two of you can do is talk and talk and talk, honestly, about your feelings and fears.

I think the only way in which your husband could be seen to be being a bit unreasonable is in trying to guilt you into it by using your son. Like you are somehow going to negatively affect your son's life by this. I think that's unfair. Far better for him to cut that out and just admit that he really really wants another child and that's a perfectly valid feeling.

You're more likely to "get it wrong" though with an adopted child as they will most probably already have ongoing issues (unless you are lucky enough to get a baby).

You really need to realise in your own mind whether you really don't want another child full stop, or whether it is the pregnancy and fear of "getting it wrong". If it is the latter, then investigate the possibility of seeing a private councillor about this if you can afford it. Also speak to the doctor about the realistic chances of the PND returning. If there is not much chance of it returning then your experience of pregnancy and small baby will probably be completely different next time round. Don't let fear alone stop you. Seek help.

Your husband will then realise you have seriously considered and rejected the idea of another baby and hopefully will come to terms with it and it wont impact on the relationship. Of course if it is more than fear and anxiety, then YANBU but it would be harder on your relationship.

BS. Sorry mate, really I am.
But it might not have the consequences you dread.
Please please do go to counselling sessions with him. Don't fear the worst until you've talked this through with a third party.

There may well be a happy outcome to this. He might consider adoption for the sake of your relationship. There could yet be a compromise.

I've a feeling that once you understand each others motivations and pov a little better you will start to feel less resentful and will hopefully be open to a compromise.